Current mood: tired
Sometimes there are a few things I think I have a pretty good grasp on. I consider myself to be a fairly capable fellow in many respects. I think it is becoming clear to me how false that thought really is, though, and it seems to be a hard lesson to learn. I feel like I am repeating myself in this crazy little cycle of thought... maybe I am.
I have recently discovered a distinct lack of self-discipline in my life. Not in all things but very visibly, to me at least, in certain fundamental and key areas of my life. The way I handle certain things related to stress and anxiety, the way I format my daily schedule, the way I treat my diet and need for exercise, just to name a few. Most of this realization has come under the recognition of the difference between habits and discipline.
I am an exceptionally habitual person by nature. I have a wide variety of interests, generally positive in nature, which draw most of my time to whatever degree they demand individually. I do them mostly because I make some sort of strange decision that they have a highly imbalanced level of priority for my time. ie. Play as much ping pong as possible, read as much photography information as possible, and so on. Doing things in this way is usually nice for the rapid improvement of the given areas of interest. This is, however, ultimately bad for my need to have greater self-mastery and self-discipline due to my basic surrender to personal passions rather than the dedicated, self-aware direction imposed by careful planning in standard moderation. Habits might be a form of self-discipline but ultimately become a form of ease and relaxation as they constrict the practice of choosing something over ones desire... for good or bad.
What a load of garbage! This all makes sense in my mind but I am sure it is not worth the time of trying to ground applicable concepts out of my fragile, barely contiguous thought processes. I should not have sat down to my computer in this tired state. My mind is like a playground full of hundreds of bouncing balls, similar color and size, unendingly bouncing to and fro, surrounded by a small fence that all the little kids are peering over, waiting to grab their favorite ball that bounces too close for them to resist... those little thieves... I never said they could do that.
My triple-pillow bed configuration calls to me softly... I must not resist for to do so would be silly.