Ludichristmas

Current mood: full

I must first apologize for not making time to record this one as I had intended but it has been a long day... maybe next time.

It is sometimes the pure, honorable intentions which drive a person to feed the mass consumerism grip of the traditional societal path at this time of year. Those people are brave, sometimes heroic, pillars of strength exemplifying the nobler intentions of this typically mis-figured holiday. I am greatful for those people. I am somewhat distressed by the other side of the equation.

I think a lot of it is a sort of mutated emotional frenzy. A bunch of loose triggers and randomly moving targets with some fairly potent ammunition in the chamber. If you work in, or relative to, the retail field you probably have a good idea what these concepts are in the empathetic, personal sense. I have been in the thick of this many holiday seasons and still do not really understand it completely. I doubt I even have the capacity to understand it as I am not much of a consumer... but here I sit in my ranting fashion typing away my unappealing complaints to a friendly, obscure crowd.

It is probably apparent but I think it should be stated anyway - I enjoy getting my thoughts out in this way. Written expression is a very different, vitally important method of relief for me. I have so much going on in my head, that I often wish I could display, that a lot of good ideas are already being wasted by my naturally flawed memory retention. The decay of good ideas does not appeal to me. So here it is. Here is the current, barely adequate, fill of the internal workings of my brain.

What is it that compels me to create? I realized at a somewhat young age that I don't like to read... most things. It is rare that I feel the need to input any particular type of information through the medium of reading as far as books and stories, the more common forms of information. It probably sounds strange but I don't believe I have completed reading even more than 20 books in my entire life. I have an idea why. I think it has to do with my more natural inclination to create. Now I can not say that I have written more books than I have read... nothing that specific. But taking all of my particular creative endeavors into account I would have to say that I have definitely spent much more time creating things than merely taking them in. I am a visual artist, a musical artist, some form of a writer, a non-specific craft builder, a relationship builder, a verbal communicator. I really enjoy all of it. What does any of this mean? I do not have a simple explainable thought to answer that question. What does it mean to you? Do you have a similar personal feeling about yourself?

So I hope that non of this is taken as a knock at Christmas. I understand the human nature of the holiday brawl I have been a witness to lately. It is sort of a big unseen pressure point on society in general. I have marked my interest in such things before.

I am quite enjoying the relaxation of imminent peace for the next two days, my typical days off, and upcoming weeks as my work will be tapering down to a near halt. Post-holiday anti-consumerism is a welcome relief to the mind, even at the danger of the stability of my pocketbook.

To all, I hope the best holiday conceivable. To each, I expect the pleasant self-satisfaction attained of their individual giving efforts to be inspirational and uplifting. To the down-trodden, I have been in the thick of it and have come out of it a stronger person and I share the knowledge that I know you will too. I am so grateful to know of my Savior's love for me, a horribly flawed individual, as well as the entire human family. This is what I celebrate. This is my joy.

Learning to communicate - Part 1

I think the "part 1" of any multi-part message usually contains the "thesis statement" of said message. I think I am about to really miss the point on that one because this is shooting from the hip tonight. Just a warning.

So I have been trying to figure out how to write in a more accesible manner... or write in a way that accurately reflects the message I am trying to convey, yet still be understandable to the casual observer. A big problem I face in this regard is that the way I communicate verbally and the way I communicate in writing is quite different. When comparing the two I appear, to some, like two separate people almost entirely. I do understand the disparity is quite confusing, and in all reality would prefer there be as little difference as possible, but am seemingly unable to close the gap between the way I write and the way I talk. Fun times.

Anyway this whole thing is sort of a self-analytical personal exploration of the way I communicate in general. I think I will probably come back to this specific topic with a generally regular frequency since I am sort of "obsessed" with improving my communication skills and find myself thinking about ways to improve it often. This particular post is sort of intended to just get the ball rolling on my part. I plan to try

something different next time, which should prove to be very interesting in practice, by actually recording a narrative in a sort of impromptu fashion as I try to convey whatever message I am intending to post here. I may even post up an .mp3 link for it or something.

On to other things...

Today is the first anniversary of a good friends passing and I thought I would post a small memorial comment or two... or three.

My friend meant more to me than she ever realized and always made me feel like I meant more to her than I could ever understand. This is not one of those gimmicky, poem-type statements but a statement of truth. When the news of my friend's passing entered my consciousness I almost immediately felt emotionally broken for reasons I did not, at the time, understand. As things started to settle, in my mind and heart, I realized that part of my sorrow was expressed in the selfish need for the pure love so richly offered by my friend, which I often took for granted. She was truly a one-way street of real, sincere affection, always offering and never taking. It was a sometimes a frustrating battle in our relationship, as I often tried to drive the wrong way down that street, but never a battle fought there without both sides victorious. Even I think that last statement sounds cheesy but I know she would not have it any other way. She always enjoyed the pure, natural honesty of people regardless of its form.

So much has happened this short year in passing. My life has taken many unusual turns which I would never have expected, sitting back in that bygone perspective. I have thought about her many times between then and now, usually with fondness deserved and cherished. I am not one prone to live in the past, but I am one who never wants to forget it. So I think I have grown quite a bit in many positive ways... and I think she would be happy for me on a few of those marks. And when will all of this sentimentality change? I do not care really. Perhaps I will feel compelled next year to run through this again. Maybe at that time I will feel something totally different.

So here's to her! Cheers! My good friend. One of the best friends I have had the pleasure to know, to share with, to serve with, to love. I am sure she would laugh at my strange attempt to build her this digital monument. This is just not her style. But I am compelled nonetheless and I am certainly glad for doing it.

Evelyn Josephine Cotton

July 24, 1972 - December 11, 2004

Piece be unto you, my friend.

Holiday mirth and joy all the rest!