Current mood: calm
I am in the day. Sitting here in the home of my parents remembering the time, lingering on the simple, pleasant feelings of the past. I have a grand sense of family and self which I am not often privileged to enjoy as I generally reside far from any of the strong reminders found here. It is a fantastic blessing.
I have had a high number of powerful, personally relevant emotions and thoughts that I have not taken, or created, the opportunity to properly explore or express lately. I have instead turned inward. I have stifled them. I have withdrawn from my self-prescribed standard of truthful expression. I have twisted, bent and mutilated them as I have tried to eject the unfamiliar, unpleasant ones from me. This inappropriate form of rejection has corrupted them and further frustrated me as it is quite unhealthy and typically outside my personal intention. I am trying to change this.
So, in my muddled array of seemingly disconnected thoughts, I am still here. I am still the same changing, overly introspective, highly self-critical, fellow I have ever been. I am seemingly lodged in the middle of a transitionary moment of my life instruction. How well am I listening to what is being taught? I don't feel I am doing very well at all right now... maybe I am storing these experiences to be gleaned from in the future. Maybe to create a retrospective foundation needed for the particular trials found in that particular moment to come.
I have been feeling a bit of the emotion take the shape of a lyric or two so I thought I would go with it to see where I stand. It is sort of an exercise for me that I wish I would do more often.
I have a soul
it lingers in sorrow
Spoken like the doomsday prophets of tomorrow
Mine is a trial
In silence I bear it
The mask seen is comedy, the tragedy I wear it
Subdue the self
Seer darkness with light
Learning to strangle the pride beyond my might
Enduring pain
It swells and recedes
Waves roll,crash and break, repeating my misdeeds
Chorus:
Lift my eyes up
Push my hands out
Carry my burden with yours
Bring me the peace
Take off my chains
Clothing my soul with the stars
Perhaps this all sounds fairly depressing in light of the the current season. I do not want pity. I merely felt inclined to open up a piece of myself out of a feeling of obligation to my personal code of honesty. I do not think this justifies in any way any wrong doings I have done to anyone. This is my therapy. I do apologize if any of this offends.
On a side note: I am quite sad that James Brown is dead. I really am.
In conclusion... I hope you all had as splendid a Christmas day as I have had. Many have sent me well-wishes which I have not returned even though I am quite grateful for them. Thank you!
I hope the new year is every bit as good!
Wandering in the northern country...
