Walking into Change

Current mood: optimistic

It would not be something I think happens very frequently. Truly making change in one's life generally takes purposeful effort and energy to produce. There are plenty of circumstantial exceptions such as losing an arm in an accident, the diagnosis of a disease, the death of someone close, but that is not what I am addressing here.

Today I took the opportunity to take a walk. I love walking. I am fairly aware of the benefits I derive as I walk, since I have spent a great deal of time doing it, but am glad to be reminded of, and affected by, those benefits as often as I do.

The largest natural benefit I find is the opportunity to ponder and reflect in a distinctly open time frame. When I know I will not be able to do anything else for a given period of time(however long it takes to get wherever it is that I am walking) it seems to allow for more freely introspective examination of the things in life that I intend to improve. This can potentially be a dangerous time as well if the initial feelings are pessimistic or negative - which can basically lead to stewing, self-deprecating ideas, and all kinds of elevated negative emotions - but I am generally optimistic in my approach and find that I often have refreshed and invigorated motivations about life in general by the time I arrive. Often the positivity will linger for quite a while afterward even.

The expected natural benefits of walking - health, getting from point "A" to point "B", self discipline - are also important and ought not to be overlooked.

Today's walk was well timed I think. At least in respect to other things that are going on in my life. I have been working to become a better person, to change specific things in my habits and character, and lately been able to see some success in a few of those goals. I have been working on some of them for only a few months. Some of them, however, have been in my list for years. I think the walk today gave me the opportunity to recognize that I have been able to make some progress, even if only a little, on a few of those fronts and it was suddenly encouraging to realize it.

Beyond that I had an additional thought on the concept. Everybody has this ability, opportunity, and responsibility as well. If you want to make change in your life, do it... because you can... because you will if you decide to try... and it does take work, patience, reflection, and correction. I have never made the right plan on the first try, anyway, but I do enjoy the learning process of making new, and hopefully improved, plans.

So, today I walked into a change in my life... and I am quite grateful for the opportunity. I know it is a somewhat rare event for me.

Late night indulgences.

So I should already be sleeping since I do have work tomorrow... luckily it is not very early but I know I should still be sleeping already. Consistency and regularity of sleep is so extremely valuable and still a habit I have not properly formed. This is not the purpose of my writing tonight, though, so I'll just leave it at that.

I was recently given the opportunity to perform a song on guitar for an activity at church. I will normally always take these types of opportunities when they arise for a couple of reasons. There ended up being a new reason in the mix of it after reflection of tonight's particular performance. The new reason I would say is the fact that I need to learn how to take praise from others. I have been aware of my ineptitude at accepting compliments from others for quite some time but there is a different element to this particular type of praise.

The performance itself held a couple semi-unique qualities relative to other performances I have given in the past. One was the fact that I was playing guitar alone (not bass guitar.) Two was the fact that I played a piece of music that was completely my own creation (a totally solo writing effort.) I have done similar things in the past but this somehow took a different shape for me this time. It had different value and therefore changed the value of the praise I received from it.

I think that my outward reception of praise might not be so off kilter. What I believe I need work on is how to internalize it properly. It might be hearkening back to my general misunderstanding with how people really see me in the first place. When I receive a compliment or praise I don't really know what people are saying unfortunately. I really do appreciate the gift of a compliment - positive people are totally great examples - and I am sure I just think about things far too much for my own good, but what do people really say to me when they give me a compliment? I feel at a loss with this stuff far too often. (Is there a grammatically correct word in the English language with three o's in it?)

Anyway... I feel like I need practice accepting praise... uh... that sounds sooooo campy. Ha. I am not fishing for compliments here! Ha. Whoops. What I mean is that I need to learn to turn off my analytical mind about the compliments/praise people offer me.

On to other things...

I was thinking about how I am currently interested in a girl I somewhat recently met. I do this kind of thing when I become interested... think about her and all that. I so rarely become interested that I feel like I am learning about the process all over again each time it happens. I think that is normal to some degree since every person is a unique influence on me anyway, but the time factor in the disparity of interested times of my life certainly does a lot too.

So I was thinking that I am pretty sure I am awful at really being able to seperate her socially from the rest of the girls which I am not interested in. It's weird to think that I should be segregating people on purpose but I really think that is something I probably should do. I want her to feel like she is somebody uniquely important to me. I am not "in love", trying to force commitment, or trying to climb into her life uninvited or unexpected. I am simply very interested and I think there must be some way of treating her accordingly

without coming off overly aggressive or, possibly in my case, disinterested. I probably shouldn't think about such things when I am tired.

I feel like I am stumbling around in the dark as it is since I have very little idea what her interest level in me is but I don't think that is the point. I can not say she is disinterested in me just as much as I can not say she is interested in me so I guess it's like a 50/50 shot for now. Pretty good odds from where I am sitting. Ha.

Anyway... I guess this is me baring my ignorance to the world who cares enough pay attention. Thanks for listening. That is all I need once in a while.