He will always reach out.

I have had a fairly dramatic slump in my attitude over the last several days or more. It has certainly felt quite a bit odd as it is a fairly uncommon thing for me to have something like this last as long as it has. I have not even had a feeling it would be turning up anytime soon so you can imagine my surprise when it all got quite turned around today.

Nothing dramatic in how it turned around, though, as it was simply a good dose of testimony, a feeling of the spirit, and the pleasantries of awesome friends that really did the trick. I suppose my heart must have finally come to the point that it would be more receptive to this kind of positivity because I really was not expecting it at all.

And I am blessed to recognize the source from whence these wonderful blessings stem... and I am thankful.

Hiking in the mountains.

Even small mountains are magnificent places to go. The effort one spends, the nature one sees, the peace one can feel are all excellent examples of the good that can come from hiking in the mountains. I am certain there are few things more majestic in life.

Today I got to go hiking with some of my lengthiest friends. They helped me to realize a little bit better my place in the world. I have been forgetting my value a bit lately and the reminder was really quite valuable... even more so because of the timing.

Music is love.

Because it defies almost any encompassing description in much the same way love does. Perhaps they actually are the same thing, simply manifest in different forms, and they truly can have the same effect on a person. Maybe I just like thinking about things that I don't really understand... which probably explains why I think about women all the time. Ha.

No good thinking.

I have had a decent day by most standards but I have certainly been fighting the mental/emotional war of loneliness and depression for the last few or so hours. I am not sure if it is something chemical or what but I seriously feel like I am being punished for my idiocy as of late and this seems to be a very effective form of punishment.

Not to be a 'negative norman' or anything... just expressing the reality of life. Everybody has their down days, even me. I probably refrain from expressing them in my blog writing more than they actually occur, so perhaps my ratio of good to bad days seems kind of skewed, but I do try to be as honest as possible in my writing... and today honesty is kicking me in the face.

Anyway, I look forward to sleep for more reasons than I normally do tonight. Mostly I look forward to escaping myself as soon as possible.

This whole gay marriage thing.

Before I make any introspective statements on this topic I feel inclined to be very clear about my own stance on this topic. I am against gay marriage equality. I believe in accordance with what my faith deems to be the truth. I believe in accordance with what my personal logic deems to be the truth as well.

This is a very hot topic as of late and it is something I think has had a far more polarizing effect on the people I am regularly exposed to than I would have expected. And it seems that very few people actually sit on the fence about this... or maybe the fence sitters are so totally silent I am just not detecting their feelings on the topic one way or another.

I personally do not feel that I need to defend my stance on this topic. I could argue for or against it at length, with most people who are interested in doing so, but I really do not see how that would help anything. Admittedly my arguments are fairly simple but they do not need to be complex to be important or meaningful.

I have nothing but love for people who consider themselves to fall under the LGBT categories in one way or another. The challenges they face are far beyond anything I would ever be willing to undertake intentionally. I will gladly befriend and support them in everything unrelated to acting out in the behaviors related to those sexuality and gender-based self-identifications. I see them as an equal in their human role as my brothers and sisters and they deserve as much respect from me as every other person on the planet.

So, in short, get loving them as much as you love everyone else... something I will continue to do... which means I will never support gay marriage.

More long days.

Work and recording and school and more work and home. And I suppose this is how my Tuesdays will go this term. Not that I will always fit recording into the mix but it probably wouldn't hurt to do with some regularity.

In many ways I think this will increase my productivity. I can also fit some extra homework and freelance work in as well. And, maybe once in a while(possibly more often than I am willing to admit), I will get some disc golfing in as well.

Yep, this should be a good term.

Eccentric teachers are fun.

Even if they are a bit out in left field. I think they make the learning experience memorable and that is always a good thing.

My classes this term look to be good ones and my schedule looks quite conducive to me creating some fairly high quality work. I still haven't been to my third class yet but I know the teacher and the topic and it is definitely one I will enjoy to the utmost. The next ten weeks should be quite fun.

Plus, as if school wasn't pleasant enough, the weather was quite a pleasure to behold today. All kinds of sunny with a good dose of the picturesque clouds that I always enjoy. Nice!

Ostracized in a typically safe place.

I can not imagine there being a person that would like to feel like that place where they belong is no longer the safe haven of those particular feelings. This is especially true in a church setting where one goes to be uplifted by the many like-minded friends and associations found there.

Today I felt like I was assaulted in that very setting. I am sure there were good intentions behind the particular "assault" but I am really quite confused what those good intentions were truly in the service of... they did not feel like they were intended for my benefit. When my age was raised in question, immediately followed by the remark that there are 18-year old girls who also attend the branch, I have to wonder what was being insinuated... that I am a predator? That I am a bad example? That I simply don't belong there because of our assumedly disparate life situations? This is a very puzzling and disheartening sort of accusation(if that is what it was). I am having a difficult time seeing what positive spin could have been intended or applied to such a comment.

Indeed, I recognize the potential dangers of being in a branch/ward as a 35-year old with girls so much younger than myself. I am occasionally attracted to them. I tend to think this is a natural thing, however, and not something worthy of ostracism. Yet, despite my personal ideas that there is nothing wrong with being attracted to somebody that age, I have never intentionally done anything to illicit the distrust of any girl in the branch for any reason. I treat every girl with the same respect and friendship they treat me with. I will not cross any lines for my personal interest if I think it will disrupt a girls own positive experience in the branch. So, where does this personal attack on me come from? Ignorance, an overly protective motherly sense, or something I have overlooked entirely?

I could wax for hours on the topic of ageism and how little the age difference between two people actually means in the setting of a relationship, as friends as well as the more committed forms(boyfriend/girlfriend). The purpose of my writing here was not to address those ideas, however, and was more to the point that I think people who do not understand a person's situation in life need to be more sensitive about why things are the way they are. Simple, unobtrusive probing is usually a much better way to start.

I am sure this is teaching me about ways I should improve my own approach to others as well... which I guess is something I should be grateful for.

Work is a wonderful diversion.

Especially when it is in the service of friends. It can be fun, rewarding, and beneficial all in one swipe... sort of like three birds with one stone, I guess.

The tooth hole has a lot of healing to do but I think it is making a good start at it so far. The pain is still there but I think it is improving(lessening) ever so gradually.

The dentist actually called, from his personal phone, to see how I was doing today. That is far above the call of duty for his occupation but I am quite thankful such excellent people exist in the world today. I am especially thankful that I was led to meet him, even if it is only for a simple business relationship. His example is still inspiring to me in a powerfully positive way.

Is it actually like pulling teeth?

Because, if it is, I would tend to think it is not all that hard to do. At least that is what I would think after today's tooth-pulling experience. I found it to be relatively easy, actually. Something I look forward to repeating as soon as I can afford it.

I am quite glad for a kind, competent dentist as well. He seems to be right on point in every way I care about. And he treats me like a normal person even though my mouth hygiene might suggest otherwise. Ha.

I am still a bit curious as to why pain medication is somewhat weird with me. It never seems to have as strong an effect for me as it does with most other people. I truly think I am somewhat resistant to the effects of medication somehow. Not something I would prefer in times like these but I guess it is what it is. At least they are working enough to keep me sane.

Dental experience.

If I was smart enough to figure out a way to go to the dentist before now I would have been happy to do it. I have never really had a bad experience with dentists generally speaking so I don't know why they get such a bad rap. I guess people are afraid of the pain or something like that. I am more afraid of the pain I will continue to be in if I don't go so today's visit was quite a treat.

My dentist greeted me with a handshake. This was not expected but was quite appreciated. He was probably somewhere around my age. A very nice fellow. I look forward to him taking my tooth out tomorrow, as strange as I am sure that sounds. Ha.

More recording time is good.

I think the process of creating music is often more fun than performing it. The activity is actually quite different in many ways even though it is sometimes essentially the same thing. I guess the difference is the audience... a microphone in a box versus a crowd of people(or even just one person).

I wonder where I tend to perform better? It seems to be thematically quite different in my mind and I think I perform differently in any case. I wonder if either performance is technically better or if it just suits the particular situation better or worse.

I enjoy it like I enjoy writing, listening, and analyzing music. The creative art of music is just all kinds of fun no matter how you slice it!

Laughing with friends.

In truth, whenever I laugh and anybody else, no matter who they are, is laughing with me automatically seems like a friend to me. I suppose this probably makes it so that whenever I laugh with people I already consider friends all that much better than before. Super good, even. The beautiful moments of life.

Getting some good things done.

It always makes a day way better! Work usually has that effect even if the work is not particularly important but the effect is bumped way up when it is. Today was one of those days where I actually accomplished several things that needed doing so I guess this is my self-congratulatory post for actually being smart for once.

I should probably reward myself with ice cream or something. Ya... I'll do that tomorrow! Boom!

The friendliest people around.

They are a necessary element to my emotional survival. I can be down on myself all day and they still make me feel like somebody important. I guess it is my role among them which makes me feel this way... somebody who appreciates and cares for them as well.

Tooth pain is no fun.

I am in that "cares very little about anything at all" zone right now... I am definitely a wuss when it comes to coping with a headache induced by what seems to be an infected toothache. It's a little disturbing that I am not really sure what I should do about it... but I am tired and feel sick and think sleep is the next best thing to do... so I'm gonna go do it now. At least I can dream of nice things! Yeah!

Working for friends.

It doesn't really feels like work most of the time. I am glad I have so many friends that are willing to ask me for help. This is one of the things in life that are truly joyful activities for me. I am glad that my efforts toward becoming somebody people would ask for help have 'paid off', so to speak.

An encouraging day.

It is definitely nice to hear that somebody appreciates you and hopes the best for you. It is the sort of compliment that has a genuine feeling to it that definitely builds my self-worth in a positive way. I would like to hear this sort of thing from a girl, even more so one that I am attracted to, once in a while... since it would make all my hard work to somehow become a person of value seem all that much more worth it. But I am quite happy to get it from any source, anytime.

I guess these are the kinds of thoughts I used to think people kind of grew out of. As if self-worth was something that people just conquered at some point when they got old enough. I am starting to realize more and more that age doesn't really bring that sort of thing as much as it simply offers a person more perspective and experience in how to deal with those sorts of challenges, perhaps a little more proficiently than the more youthful perspective tends to. The challenges just start to take different forms and angles so that we can learn new ways to overcome them, I guess.

Finals schminals.

I have not felt so relaxed about finals week... maybe ever. It might not be a very healthy attitude to scoring well in my finals projects and tests but I guess it probably doesn't hurt to do once in a while. I guess I will see how I am feeling about it next term. Ha.

My role as a friend.

Sometimes I am glad for the opportunity to simply be a friend to just about everybody I meet. When it comes to girls it is definitely something I prefer in most circumstances as it is just about the only way of interacting with them that I feel like I can do with any sort of positive quality or capability. My proficiency with being a friend pretty much always sends me permanently into the "friend zone", however, and even though I am not interested in a serious relationship that does not start as a solid friendship, I am starting to think more and more that making the transition into a more comprehensive "friend zone + boyfriend zone" sort of relationship might not be the way to go... if it is possible at all. Oh, the curse of my over-analytical stupidity! Ha.

Tonight I was reminded of all these thoughts due to my pleasantly(and highly appreciated) friendly interactions with a girl who I once had some feelings for that gave me the boot a little while back(I scared her away would probably be a better way to put it) but was still willing to remain friends at least. It took some time to reorganize my emotional state into something that could competently handle this sort of "friend zoning" disappointment(which is the only thing that ever happens to me anyway so it really isn't anything new). I am still attracted to her, though, so it never truly disappears I guess. I'm glad I don't have any strong feelings for her at the moment, though, because life doesn't need to be any more complicated for me right now. Being attracted to more than one girl, both of which who do not return that sort of attraction, is plenty of a challenge for me as it is.

All of that said, I am glad they both seem to think of me as a good friend. I am really not interested in complicating either of their lives with the likes of me in any other way anyway(an admittedly very weird sentence to say, even in my mind). Here's to hoping my attractions are able to find somebody who is actually attracted to me back... like, say, sometime within the next decade or so would be nice. Ha.

Crunchy time.

Yep... that time of the term. When all of my procrastination comes tromping into life with big ol' footsteps, making thunderous racket all day... and I question to myself incessantly about why I did this again. Oh, the silly times of poor time management skills!

Boom!(to my head)

I need to wake up and get to sleep at a better time.

The crappy sleeping habits I have kept lately are definitely making life unreasonably annoying at times. Being tired makes my ability to do the things I need to do exponentially more challenging which leaves me in an almost perpetual state of self-frustration. It is definitely a downward spiral kind of effect, too.

Tonight I actually feel lucky that I am quite tired right now. I know I have a lot to do that I could be doing into the wee hours of the morning but I think the increased productivity I might experience tomorrow because of the increased sleep I will be enjoying tonight will definitely outweigh the lack of work I could be doing anyway. The shortened formula to describe what I just stated in that last sentence would be this: Extra Sleep Now = More Work Tomorrow > More Attempted Work Now. Well, it is something like that, anyway.

Shooting guns is tons of funs.

I really took me back to my childhood in many ways. A very nostalgic and happy activity. Now my brain is shutting this entry off way early... whoops!

The value of music.

It brings joy to each person in such a wide variety of ways. For me it is a pleasure just to play it, an honor to perform it, and a blissful event just to listen to it. I am even more excited to share it with others, whether it is my own music or not, and to offer them a piece of the joy I have had through and because of it. Music is a many-splendored thing, indeed!

Doing the right things once in a while.

Every day I have a somewhat general plan of the things I need to get done with a bit of the motivation and intention on following through with many of those things. There are always a few things, though, which I know need doing but also tend to carry the expectation that I will probably not follow through on them for one reason or another.

It becomes all the more important when I am somehow smart enough to set a specific commitment to follow through with something because the chances of accomplishing said task seem to increase to nearly 100%. It is as if the act of scheduling a committed time for the thing is all I need do to ensure it will be done.

I guess this is why I might be reluctant to create such commitments on a more regular basis. I think it might actually shift the challenge of certain goals to the act of committing more than the act of doing. I kind of feel like I have been sort of subconsciously aware of this but, in any case, I think it helps to be aware of it now. I can attack a different challenge to see if I can improve my life results. Groovy.

Not enough sleep in the day.

Especially when there is so many things to be done! I want naps all the time now. Especially like the one I am about to take before going to work in a few hours. Ha.

Short journal entry FTW!

Learning to enjoy the bitter.

As I have been following the prescribed "fake" medication for my anthropology class I have learned a couple things worth noting.

1. An entire packet of tropical punch Kool-Aid mixed into 8 ounces of water basically turns into something that pretty much looks exactly like blood. It's a very deep red and kinda thick in its consistency. I bet it might even leave a scab sort of thing behind if you let it dry out.

2. Fruity Tic-Tacs are nothing more than tiny, delicious candy. Though, no matter how delicious they may be, they have little effective power in cutting the bitter potency of the blood-like Kool-Aid.

3. Strangely, and I really did not expect this to happen, I am starting to actually like the ultra-bitter Kool-blood-Aid somehow. I don't know if it is because I am simply adapting(whether consciously or not) or if it was never actually that bad in the first place. I think it might be possible my mind told me it was awful to begin with so I just believed it and had a tremendously difficult time drinking the stuff in the beginning.

I suppose none of this really means anything of significance to most people but I felt like it needed to find a place in the annals of my history so here it is. I only have 4 more days of this stuff anyway. I should probably write up a final report when I am done to see if there were any further adaptive changes on my part. Maybe that is what would better justify this entry in the first place.

Women on the mind.

Which, even though it feels like I am no closer to claiming anyone's affection, it does feel better to be attracted to anybody rather than my more common feeling - that I am somehow broken for not being attracted to anybody... which only emphasizes the feeling of loneliness. At least, if I am thinking fondly of any woman that I have some regular contact with, I am more motivated and optimistic about life.

There could certainly be better things about it... like if I was ever lucky enough to be attracted to somebody who is mutually attracted to me. But I guess that is not for me right now. Maybe I'm not worthy of it, or I'm not ready, or I am supposed to be alone or something. Ugh, that sounds depressing. Maybe this is one of those things where I have to accept God's will that I might not be healed, so to speak. At least, maybe not yet. I don't know.

Anyway, I am glad to have lots of future left to look forward to. Somewhere in there I think there might be a girl for me. Even if I don't know how that will ever happen. One of my greatest challenges of faith I guess.

10 hours of sleep is definitely awesome.

I am not saying that it has been years since I slept that much in one night but I really don't remember the last time that it happened and boy was it awesome. It kinda makes me jealous of all the people that are able to do that kind of thing on a more frequent basis, though I am also simultaneously sad for all the time that is wasted sleeping. It has always been a love/hate relationship for me.

I love it because it feels great to get enough sleep. Getting enough sleep is a stepping stone to many other awesome things in life. A clear-thinking mind is definitely one of the best benefits and the list goes on from there.

I hate it because I almost always feel that I can be getting more stuff accomplished during the time I am essentially doing nothing during any time I am sleeping. It doesn't have to feel so bad if I am able to manage my time better but I don't really do that very well so it will just go on feeling like a waste of time for now.

All of that said, I really enjoyed my 10-hour break from life last night. And luckily I will get almost 8 hours tonight!

Good people make life awesome.

Because without them I would be hardly inspired to do anything good myself. I would simply be going from one failure to the next without any need to find the successes.

Moving back into my bedroom.

I think I have not actually 'lived' in a bedroom since I lived in California. Sure I have had one where I've kept my stuff and slept on a regular basis but I have not had one that I have had any desire to do anything in other than just that. I have preferred to be out with the people of the house when I am doing my activities of whatever sort. Now, having moved back into the bedroom I am technically renting, I will resume my life within the confines of my meager space much more often. It will be a very different experience I am sure.