The pain of loss. Part 1 of ∞.

It is already late. I am already tired. But I still feel it is important to start the internal discussion and to share a bit of it now... the pain of loss is fresh enough to take physical form at the moment. It is, of course, a predominantly emotional experience... but the ache in my heart feels much more than an expressed emotion... my physical heart very literally hurts. My mother, the co-creator of my body, has left this mortal plane and with her departure I am wrecked. I am not entirely sure how frequently or for how long I will delve into this subject... but this is where it is right now. And tomorrow will be something new, as the process of healing, experiencing, understanding the powerful and intense event of loss and I might just continue along in this vein again the next time I write.(which I expect will be sooner than my recent consistency would suggest.)

Life will change.

And it will definitely be difficult. The challenges of emotional adjustment will definitely be the most difficult for us all but I expect it to be the most severe with Pops and I am somewhat tentative to speculate about how we will work through it all. It will be painful. Something unknown to any of us to this degree... but we will endure. And we are thankful for the incomparable blessing of Mom's life and her character and everything she is. I will keep my thoughts short for now, as I am not currently caught in the roil of emotional torrent I expect to come after she passes but this helps to break the ice a little and for me, and how I will need to work through the challenges of her loss, I will need this sort of therapy to help carry me through it with any sort of success.

I didn't intend for the canvas to actually be blank, though.

The gaps between the entries have been annoyingly lengthy lately. I'm still not done with this editing chore and am rarely in a reasonably energetic mood to put much more than my hand-written entry into the books at the end of each day. I think we are getting close to wrapping it up, though. Then my brain will find at least an ounce of normalcy and I will resume my daily(ish) routine of this writing/thinking/sharing endeavor.