Reminders.

There are certain things in life that really stick with you. There are people, moments, concepts, lessons, colors, smells, smiles... feelings... dreams... that seem to resonate and echo so strongly in one's memory that their impact doesn't seem to fade... there are only times when they might seem to fade because of all the noise in life that tends to crowd in. Sometimes, when you find a lucky bit of clarity and quiet, and the noise becomes a bit muted, and the pain of the unnecessary things falls away into the lingering obscurity, those certain things come back and the impressions of their impact can be felt again... and I consider it a blessing. The memories we cherish, the nostalgia of a past perceived through rose-tint, are always a blessing. Every reminder of the goodness we once enjoyed is always welcome even if some of those reminders only serve to emphasize a loss between then and now. Love and pain are inseparable and this isn't a bad thing... it just is a thing. And sometimes it is a thing that inspires one like me to write about it. I feel inclined, despite what I was lucky enough to already do in life, to say good bye once again. Is it to make a further attempt at some sort of emotional closure? I don't know. But it is something I feel to do even as I sit by myself knowing there isn't a specific response I can receive. Perhaps it is just a moment. Perhaps it is just another step in the process of grieving. I know there will be many more in the future and I look forward to those, too. Feeling is one of the greatest blessings of being alive... to me. Truly.

Family is so important.

If ever there was a more obvious statement made by anybody... this could be it. This is a statement that, without words, is understood by the whole of humanity as a very foundational element of human existence. The more obvious needs met by the family unit(namely those relating to physical survival) tend to reflect some of the other needs(such as emotional, intellectual, social) which should be at least addressed by the family as well. Every person experiences trials in all of these areas on a daily basis and how we deal with, experience, and understand our trials largely stems from what we have learned through our experiences with our family. Certainly, we gain similarly valuable experience from so many sources not related to our family experience but the core of it all comes from our family in some way. The family is part of one's foundation. I am FAR more lucky than I could ever hope to be for the family I am a part of... which generates a constant source of gratitude in my life. I only feel to express my gratitude for their presence in my life at the moment. I feel I can not be more grateful than I am right now. This holiday season has been a great reminder of that.

A different kind of holiday season.

I haven't been as consistent with my entries as I'd like to be lately. Some of it has been work related or schedule related but some of it has been some lingering aftermath of my mother's passing. Emotional challenges are normally the time when I become a more frequent contributor to this cause but I suppose this one has been quite different than any I have experienced before. I don't intend to paint the idea that I have been depressive or functionally out of sorts... I have just lacked the motivation to really dive into this writing for some reason. I know the cathartic value it has for me but I guess I have felt more inclined to linger a bit in the raw, unpolished, somewhat misunderstood emotions I have experienced along the way. I think there is some value to that as well, even if I was not specifically approaching it with that intent. Anyway... It does feel good to get some thoughts out now. I shouldn't be such a stranger to it.

The first break after vacation.

I will be doing some editing but it will otherwise be a day at my leisure. I don't know if I am just a little burned out or I just really appreciate my own free time a little more than usual but I am looking forward to the day. I am looking forward to sleeping in. That'll be nice. I feel the freedom of my future and it all feels very positive so that's a pretty rad bonus, too. Good times to come!

Is there such thing as progress?

Or is it just luck? Or timing? Or perspective? Or simply being a different person? I don't know but I don't really feel like I am any better a person than I ever have been. If anything I'm worse. I'm more tired and apathetic than I used to be. But I do feel lucky for any steps that appear to be progress. Steps are better than sitting on the stairs.

Coming to the end.

It has been a grand, restorative, cathartic jaunt away from what I consider home and work. I have visited many beautiful places, many old and true friends, and soon I will begin my trek back into the life I have chosen. There is already work waiting for me there. It looks to be a good time. But I am certainly in no hurry to find it. I will take a couple days to lazily make my way back, choosing the route along the oceanside over the route through the country. I look forward to seeing what I see. It should make for a pleasant finish to this long overdue, highly needed vacation.