Words of the Wandering

reckoned by the parts inside

to the place prepared for me

often hollow, filled with pride

far and distant I will flee

purpose carefully composed

swinging hinges oft' distract

swaying underneath the blows

of a path unseen, intact

follow suit or redirect?

promises are not so telling

lingering on indirect

blinding river, raging, swelling

taken on the ride of training

to the place perceived undone

sense and freedom lost and waning

pulled aside as they have won

quick divergence quick repeated

non a stranger to this one

slow refocus claims the treated

polished placement stands alone

brought upright and re-created

i have wind to find a home

made anew and vindicated

support from the only One

peering through the cracks of sin

harvesting the treasures here

witness to the greatest win

triumph borne in simple fear

down the path is taken well

not the whimsy of a glance

whispers of the future swell

into songs of former chance

A brief disclaimer about me.

Current mood: mellow

I have heard it expressed that I am sort of a difficult to understand blogger. The question was posed to me recently: Is the way you talk or the way you write more how you actually think? Answer: I feel that the way I write more closely emulates the way I think. There are many emotions and thoughts I have which are very difficult or impossible to express through words, and certainly there are things I express better in my verbal/physical communication, but I think that the careful composition of any given written expression better illustrates my fuller, more direct thinking patterns. I know there is much related to this matter which I am not taking into account but this is sufficient for my current purposes of explanation and exposition. I think it is a good question. I am sure my blogging can be very misleading as to how I seem in regular life. I never want to be misleading.

If you have been a victim of my often confusing methods I do apologize. I try to do what is right... and only succeed once in a while.

What is a halloween?

Current mood: dorky

p.s. The DeBussy I am listening to is by Paul Crossley not Catherine Collard. The Paul Crossley version was not available to choose for some reason. Also, in this particular case, the "p" in "p.s." means pre instead of post. I apologize if this offends you... hey, at least I made the font smaller.

Again... what is a halloween?

I think it is something personal.

It is a specific segment of time which forces socially dependent people to make a choice... will I, or will I not?

It is something akin to a natural disaster... some people step up to the plate, some people send condolences, some people just do not care. I think it is somewhere in these concepts to which I am greatly attracted. I enjoy the defining moments in whatever form they appear. Those times when a real aspect of a person's character are displayed, whether in a visual way or something a little less obvious, my interest often burgeons to near capacity. I am, as is probably quite apparent, a highly visual person down to the very center... this, however, does not always preclude my ability to be sensitive in a variety of other fashions. What else can be seen in the opportunity (<this word is always a pain to spell, I need to make a mnemonic device for myself, suggestions would be nice) to make such an important decision? Do you also see the subtlety of the decisions involved in costume undertaking?

I was null of activity in this regard last year at this time. I have less of a purpose than I would typically feel this year, but enough of a purpose to have fun with it all. I will be watching to see who else, and how else, those around me act or react. I am sure this would be assumed but I think that by stating it I may have an effect on what actually does happen and I am curious to see what that will be, if anything. I like to be a social scientist. Is there a real-world term for that?

Sometimes I float with the environment of my recent history. Sometimes I fill purposes long before designed by my eternally scheming machinations... although not typically of an evil nature. Sometimes the whimsical and unpredictable are the first priorities in my execution. Sometimes, a bit frequently for my taste, I leave myself in a state of confusion far from the peace of consistency and order. But such is life!

I breathe in. I breathe out. Sometimes I hold it in... and do not notice until several seconds have passed. I love breathing. I am so grateful I get to do it thousands of times a day.

Weekend rising.

Current mood: good

So begins the weekend with purpose yet unrelated to this commentary specifically. I have a plan, among many, which will bring me closer to completion in a few of my personal endeavors. The concept of planning is a fairly overlooked tool in my life on an unfortunately regular basis. I have started to see different aspects of my life which would greatly benefit from consistent utilization of said tools.

There is a difference between a plan and a goal. They are related to each other, each having there own separate place, but I often put plans behind the importance of goals. I know I have a inclination to revel in spontaneity, which I think can still coexist with planning, but without planning one gives a level of control to outside influences instead of retaining a more internal center of control. I know there is already so much of my control given to outside influences that I should learn to implement planning into a more regular form of my function. I know I would be a happier person if I did this. Does it seem strange that I do not consider myself to be much of a planner? Take some time to consider how little you actually control in your own life and a lot of aspects of non-control start to come to the surface.

As one might notice I have been listening to a new album a lot for the last two days. In it is a quality music I am very inspired by. It satisfies many areas of critique in my musical mind. I know it is not perfect. I know much of it is very affected by my current musical tastes. I know I will find more in it which I love, and I know I will find more in it which I do not like very much. It makes me want to play more music on the various instruments I am associated with. It makes me want to create something beautiful... a little visual, a little auditory, a little emotional. I am fixed on the rich, powerful influence of music in my life. It is a great part of my life, yet it is not a factor which defines the whole me. It is a model of my passions. I have many. Music is only one of them.

I know I am jumping topics but I have another thing on my mind...

Maybe the topics are somewhat related if you dig a little...

Or a lot...

Have you ever had an influence on anything which was noticeable publicly, distantly, vicariously, or through something which was otherwise unaffected by your influence? An example of what I am saying in my own life has been the various advertisement projects I have worked on as a graphic artist/designer. A product I helped to design was once given to me as a special gift by a very dear friend, whom did not have the knowledge of my involvement of the creation of that gift before giving it to me. Can you imagine the strange feeling that such an occurrence would instill in a person as it did me? Lately I have gotten a small dose of something akin to this. It is different, as the situation is quite different in general, but it is still a feeling I enjoy. I think it appeals to my need for validation as a creative individual in some way. I am not too sure how but something in that statement rings true to me. I am sure I will research that idea more later.

I enjoy my friends. I enjoy my work. I enjoy my opportunities. My bed is looking quite enjoyable right now, too, which I apologize for even mentioning this lame excuse for my departure here. I shall have to try writing here with more time and presence of mind next time.

Smiling people are ALWAYS more attractive... even the sinister villain types.

It feels like time...

Current mood: mellow

What does that even mean, anyway? Ahhh... but I have a thought.

Every now and then I get an almost tangible sense of time. Tangible in a way that is mostly a sort of physical feeling in my head. A sort of light-headed dizziness or something... it is difficult to describe. It is something real, though, and compelled me to enter this creative outlet rather comfortably. It is a nice feeling. The feeling can be compared to the feeling you get when you have just undertaken a task or activity which was planned out in some way sometime prior. It is a feeling coupled with the sense of purpose or accomplishment in such an endeavor. I think it is strange that I would have this time-oriented feeling, amongst my typically dominant feelings of time-constraint, since it is a feeling of ease. Maybe there is something deeper encompassing this concept which I am not currently seeing in correct perspective.

These last few weeks have been quite colorful, filled with a high density of timing issues to be solved, and little area for relief to fall back on. If you know me at all you know that I failed in many, many of my attempts to wrangle this scheduling beast. But you would also know that I tried very hard and actually did succeed on some of the more important break-points. I am sure the latter is less visible to anybody but me but I guess that is my nature. I am quite internally oriented in my goals for progression. Anyway, things are nonetheless quite good in life right now. For that I am extremely grateful.

I am making progress... in an almost tangible way.

Table tennis is a very challenging sport... I love a good challenge!

Today I played in a table tennis tournament hosted by the Sacramento Table Tennis Club in Rosemont High School somewhere in east Sacramento. I played in three different divisions, the earliest starting at 11:15am, the latest starting at 4:30pm. Even though the actual playing of the sport is the most exhausting aspect of it, I can not emphasize the truly harsh nature of the secondary role as table tennis spectator.

I literally watched thousands of points played today. Of those thousands, I intently focused on a high percentage of them. I am not a scientist by profession but I have to think that the excessive, nearly continuous engagement of my mind and visual sense for such a long period of time is a highly fatiguing situation. Combine that with my poor seating posture on a gym bleacher, lack of regular food consumption, little personal interaction with others, and little change in activity other than the three events I played in personally. To add another aspect to this, in all of the six matches I played I only won one of them... in other words, I also added the stress of personal dissatisfaction to this insidious array of stressors. Now I know I have not painted any of the positive aspects relative to this experience, I hold those in reserve for another time, but does this sound as difficult as one would think it would be? Does it sound confusing as to why I would even want to participate in such a thing?

So I had a somewhat new thought sometime today. I am not too sure why I ran down this line of thinking given the environment I was in at the time but I can see it's relevance.

There is sensory perception of things in a realistic, consistent, physical order. My thought today had to do with what people do with those perceptions. It goes something like this: "People hear and see only what they want to hear and see... What people hear and see is typically skewed by their internal, or intellectual, interpretations." This concept applies quite universally. I, for obvious reasons, saw much application in the context of table tennis. I know, however, after thinking about it for a moment I see how it aptly applies to many more ideas. If I was not so tired right now I might go into further depth on this topic. I find the topic of perception quite rich.

My apologies for the sudden exit... my eyelids seem to be taking turns in the off position.

I was told I look "Bohemian" today...

Current mood: relaxed

I guess I have to look like something.

I have had some conversations on the topic of stereotypes with several various people throughout the years. I am not particularly focused on the subject but the dynamics and social implications are fascinating to me. Because I do not, atleast concsiously, try to follow any particular trend, group, political party, fashion motif, media puppet, or otherwise group-classified style of living, it leads me to question where I fall in to the social scheme of things. Most people I know and have ever met somehow fall into a fairly identifiable stereotype of a sort, usually many different ones, and even though I know I must fall into some stereotypes myself, I do not readily see what they are. More than that, I am highly interested in what stereotypes other people see me falling into. How am I socially perceived? Part of the difficulty in thoroughly exploring this topic comes from my, and I am sure many others', misunderstanding of what a stereotype is, as well as how it relates to various important social dynamics and what those dynamics are. On top of that there are many different aspects of stereotypology (I just made that up... it might actually be a word... I mean in the world outside of my own head) such as the visual, habitual, linguistic, economic, social, gender, economic, religious, psychological, and I am sure many more I can not think of at this time, which can all variously be associated with any given stereotype to whatever degree. Just looking at the possibilities can be somewhat mind-numbing. Does this seem too complicated for something so seemingly trivial? What is "Bohemian" anyway?

I have to say... Self-identification is a crucially important quest for a person's ability to gain self-control. Internal self-control creates external self-success.