I am but a man.

Current mood: mellow

I am... that I am.

Never perfect, never less.

I am what I am.

A trial in the days of tribulation.

I am what I feel.

Simple, selfish, sometimes satisfied.

I am the inside motions.

Leave them for the taking.

I am a quiter.

Only by result, never intent.

I am lonely.

The choices of the solitary.

I am a rampant, raging flash.

The pieces scattered about.

I am quite unseen.

Where do I linger?

I am boisterous and bold.

Taken as is needed.

I am a runner.

Heavy footsteps and heartache to match.

I am watching.

Not always aware of my surroundings.

I am into it.

Peace, happiness, tangible emotions.

I am a source.

Built with a desire to give.

I am right handed.

And always seeking balance, symmetry.

I am the sovereign of my will.

Fighting to defend borders of my serenity.

I am strong.

As only I am allowed.

I am of a cherished family.

Worldly wealth and riches lacking.

I am a purveyor.

Make it known from there to here.

I am a rambler.

As it may be perceived around.

I am patient.

Precious commodity to the world.

I am whispering.

When I have something important to say.

I am with my friends.

Souls to bring life and laughter.

I am of an artists touch.

Sharing the pieces in to out.

I am far away.

Unsatisfied and hard to see.

I am intelligence.

Seeking wisdom to guide me.

I am baffled and muted.

Leasing the tools of clarity and presence.

I am a craftsman.

Locking the powerful parts together.

I am aware of my time.

After it has echoed in my mind.

I am misunderstood.

Induced of imperfect communication.

I am without warning.

Unpracticed, fearless, unrelenting.

I am predictable.

Little change to confuse results.

I am loud.

In subdued white laughter.

I am what is around me.

Subjective, conformist, fallible mediums.

I am wrong.

Underprepared and without pressure.

I am of a great responsibility.

The future of infinite possibility.

I am a brother and son.

Ties that bind eternally.

I am alive in freedom.

Choices between right and consequence.

I am callous.

Whimpering untollerated.

I am unattractive.

To the ignorant and apathetic.

I am victorious.

Each step in the right direction.

I am still.

Dedication to revelation and understanding.

I am not you.

Unique, purposeful, full of potential, similar.

I am shaped by experience.

Past, present, and future.

I am happy.

Loving, together, and struggling.

I am optimistic.

Lacking fear not reality.

I am here.

I am but a man.

I am Aaron Michael Castillo forever.

I giggle with glee.

Current mood: amused

I am a deceptively large person I think. I am also a deceptively small person. "How can this be?" you might be asking yourself. Well I have a lot of evidence to support this, some of it even validated by technically respected sources, and it makes me smile pretty big inside my head... slightly below the surface of my skin. Sort of in the back of my throat in the top of my mouth. Ya... and also in the dizzy spot right in the very center of my head.

Exhibit A: I am only 5'8 and 3/4" tall. Did you think I was taller? Many people tell me that is what they thought almost every time height questions enter a conversation. I don't wear particularly large-sole shoes either. I am not sure what causes this particular misconception... maybe it is my tall forehead... which leads me to Exhibit B.

Exhibit B: I have a deceptively large head. I don't recall my exact hat size but most of the time anyone puts one of my hats on they are surprised to find it swallowing their entire head top and some of their ears. I usually get to laugh at them for their smaller head size with a hearty "Ha! Look at that tiny noggin!" And it sometimes makes me giggle even... I make myself laugh far too often for typically sane people to understand. Although it usually is not outwardly observable because of this fact. Plus I dig the feeling of laughing inside my head. It is a different kind of good feeling.

Exhibit C: I weigh just under 180lbs on most days of the week. My guess is that this seems a bit surprising to you as well. I am pretty dense compared to the standard person who appears my size. I am pretty sure the extra weight is mostly in my massive stomach which holds several large-sized meals at any given time. Most people eat small meals I guess. It is just a matter of perspective anyway. So here is a technically verifiable fact you could even check out yourself if you know where to look: My current BMI is right around 26.1, which classifies me as one who is considered overweight! HA! I am overweight! HA HA! That is soooo funny to me... oh... ha... What a good inner-smile I get out of that one. Just thinking about it... ah... whew!

Exhibit D: My arm span is roughly 6'1" in length. Yep. That makes me sort of like a monkey/ape type of person. Plus I jump high, enjoy climbing in trees, and laughing loudly in public(usually not simultaneously) but don't let that scare you away. I try not to be overbearing and I won't usually pick bugs out of your hair. I super avoid killing bugs on purpose... especially to eat them.

I am sure there are more examples of how my size is often miscalculated by most people, but I will leave the rest for you to realize on your own. I am sure non of this really matters to you anyway. I just like a good inner-laugh and I thought I would share one of my inner-laugh triggers. Good luck finding your own!

Farewell all. Even in Fairfield or not.

Santa Cruz is splendiforous... so sayeth I.

Current mood: refreshed

I must apologize for not telling anybody that I would be in Santa Cruz for a week. Oops. Really. I don't get my messages in almost any form very reliably due to various reasons but I have about five minutes to write a blog... or rather... a minor update.

So I realized the other day that I have a lot of fun teaching kids. I have always know that I enjoy being around them... but I never really realized I was not one of them until this week I guess. It is certainly a different feeling when you get the concept of the responsibility that comes in teaching the younger generation. It really means something different when you realize that they look up to you and are actually trying to glean something from you. Wow! Wow.

So take a few moments to soak that in. Really. Maybe it will even suit you as it has me.

Be back to the 'field soon y'all.

I have a personal assignment... wanna help me with it?

Current mood: relaxed

I semi-recently decided I would attempt to construct a sentence where each successive word in the sentence began with each successive letter of the English alphabet. I am only somewhat handy with the English language and set some rules for myself for this little exercise, in attempt to stretch my thinking and have a greater challenge, hopefully improving myself in the process.

Rule #1: Avoid consulting any form of word reference for ideas or help. - This rule was eclipsed when I wanted to avoid stepping on Rule #2 and could not think of any X words which filled that particular function of the sentence structure properly.

Rule #2: Don't use the easy X words like xylophone or x-ray(not really a word anyway) even if it can fit easily into the sentence.

Rule #3: Try to make it grammatically reasonable. - I am decent enough at grammar to be dissatisfied with something that sounds clunky and annoying. English majors would eat my sentence up with red-ink soaked teeth but I am shooting for the spirit of the exercise, not the letter(pun intended). (I love puns by the way... even bad ones... which, contrary to the disdain of popular culture, is not the case of every pun... be realistic, if you laugh it's funny)(Sorry about the excessive use of parenthesis)(Should I have used a footnote in this case? Someone please tell me if they know)

Rule #4: It does not necessarily have to make logical sense but if it can be poetic or meaningful that would be a plus.

So enough of the rules. Here is my third or fourth draft... a work in progress.

Any

Boy

Can

Do

Everything

For

Girls

Hearts,

If

Just

Knowing

Love

Means

Never

Overanalyzing

Past

Quarels,

Realizing

Silently

The

Underlying

View

Within

Xanthone

Yellow

Zealousness

I am not even sure if I put the commas in the right place, I did not previously know what xanthone meant, but altogether I think it turned out alright. It can always improve, though, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

*BLOG BONUS SECTION*

Some of you are aware I do this kind of thing for fun once in a while and I will award "Coolness Points" to whomever is able to construct correctly the most words consecutively in the last personal assignment I made for myself. It was the one where I constructed the longest two-letter word sentence I could come up with. I never did finish that exercise since I was not able to properly end the sentence once I got past the 12 word mark. My computer that had the file with my progress crashed, taking with it many precious files, but I can still remember the first 12 words. That particular exercise also had several specific rules which I can send to anybody interested in giving it a whirl. Fun stuff to do if you have a boring job or happen to be easily distracted by your own thoughts regularly. Focus is like a precious commodity sometimes.

So have fun all. A weekend you have not yet experienced is approaching quickly and I bet it will be chock-full of splendidness and mirth. Who says mirth is a holiday-only experience?!

The simple concepts of a binary existence.

Current mood: tired

I have been pondering the basic nature of the struggle between good and evil lately. It has crossed my mind on several occasions over the last few weeks as I have attempted to discern how to make positive changes in my life. I have quite enjoyed the simple, basic truths I have sort of stumbled into as I have done this... and it is a fairly unexpected area to still be finding any of the little nuggets of delight that I have been finding lately. What an awesome blessing! The human mind is a splendid thing indeed!

In other news:

I got a lot of overtime on my last paycheck. I doubt I will see any paychecks like that one ever again at my current job... they have a really big issue with overtime so I guess I need to somehow avoid the overtime from now on. I really would rather be working between 30-35 hours a week so I could be developing my own business ideas with more energy. To create something for me. All this work is driving my desire to play way up. In a lot of areas, too. I have been thinking a lot about music, ping pong, girls, and video production... not at all in that order(I would rather keep the order ambiguous anyway) and I quite enjoy being more motivated about all of them. Work is good for so many things.

I should keep this short. Sleep irregularity is a critical flaw I have difficulty maintaining. I must encourage positive sleep habits whenever possible. So why did I start writing this so late in the first place?

Do not forget to eat your vegetables, thank the people who open doors for you, and use your right turn signal when planning to make a right turn soon. Not exactly tips... but little bits of seemingly trivial, yet important information to know. Just thought I would part by sharing a piece of my increasingly sleepy mind. Zzzzzzzz.... Zzzz.... ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Counting down to freedom.

Current mood: indescribable

In this case freedom more specifically relates to ability... or lack of disability.

I have never been one to accept things from others. I think this particular trait of mine is pretty consistent all the way across the board. I don't take compliments well, I don't take charity from others well, I don't take things from people(their belongings and such), I just don't do the receiving end very well in general. I am sure pride is somewhat involved but I know there is something else at work here.

I think a lot of it has to do with my inadequate understanding of possession and ownership mixed with the misunderstanding of motives and intentions of others. I know I need help in all areas of my fragile, often chaotic life but I still have difficulty putting it all together. Maybe I am thinking too hard about the whole thing.

So I was playing softball recently...

We all know a softball is not soft and that there can be such thing as too competitive. I always want to do well in whatever endeavors I take on so I usually try to put forth my best effort. Sometimes my enthusiasm can hurt others in the face... sorry Chris... sometimes it can hurt me in the leg... yowza! But I love the oxymoronically named sport nonetheless. Even though the pain I currently experience is really not fun at all. It gives me a new perspective, recognition of the vast blessings I enjoy, and tweaks my concept of when good will return... like as if it ever left. I am always saddened when I recognize this last concept in others. "The grass is always greener..." or some such nonsense. What a tragically powerful lie! Wake up! Open your eyes! Open your heart! There is no time for pity!

I have been having some really up and down days for the last several weeks. I can not attribute it to much other than my general human inconsistency. It does not bother me that much, I know it's all about learning and progression, but I do wonder what has caused it to be more distinct lately. I think my fundamentals are lacking. I think my focus is askew. Something.

So if you can't tell I am a bit out of my element. I hope there can be something found here that might be even just a bit helpful to somebody. My direction through this short narrative has been a bit erratic but at least it has been fun to write... and somewhat therapeutic.

Oh... and by the way... sunburns, allergies, and pulled hamstrings don't mix well... but I ain't complainin'... I find it rather amusing. You should see me try to climb into a car.

New jobs are full of surprises!

Current mood: good

And if I could make another statement more rhetorical than that one I would probably keep it to myself... once rhetoric, twice ridiculous.

I have finally taken off the shirt of a Red Robin server for the last time, and have proceeded to make some progressive steps in my life by taking on a new job which more appropriately suites my need to move forward in life. It is a cut in hourly rate but a big boost in hourly accumulation... and, most importantly, I will shortly be eligible for benefits as a full-time employee at Office Max. Hooray for corporate America! Hmmmm.... I am sure you will not likely hear anything like that coming from me again anytime soon. Anyway, my job title is technically "Desktop Publisher" in the "Print and Document Services/ Copy Max" section of Office Max. I generally love doing graphic design and this job offers me the opportunity, as the job title does not necessarily imply, to stretch out my creative endeavors within the very setting that is paying me to do it. What a sweet bonus that is. And I have been doing it for 15 working business days now.

This story has many predecessors, and I am sure many to follow, which will basically illustrate a general idea of little consequence to most casual observers. What is contained within it is not particularly specific, or even generally interesting, but I did come to some fairly strong emotional disarray as one of the two main characters in it. I have basically recovered today but I did have to sleep that one off... very unusual for me.

On to story number one:

It was a mild, easy-paced evening of leisure and relative non-stress... or... I was at work and it was slow. Typically there are two options in such a situation. Option #1 encourages a person to relax the hours away doing little and feeling little. A general waste of time other than the acquisition of funds at the advantage of poor scheduling or unforeseen business malady. I occasionally take the low road of Option #1 as it does have the certain appeal of ease and self-indulgence. I do not, and never will, promote laziness, inactivity, or non-progression, however, and will usually strive to take advantage of Option A... or any other challenging, fulfilling Option. Option A encourages the positive atmosphere of creativity and inspiration by making games where non superficially exist, usually in ways that are not readily perceivable by the potential few patrons or other uninformed co-workers present. Option A also includes the general drive to make better the experience of all involved in whatever way possible. This description of Option A is fairly loose and is intended to leave much room for personal translation and application. And thus ends my first exceptionally verbose and semi-unimportant tangent.

So as I was trying to engage into Option A mode and doing fairly well, regardless of lacking resources, and a pleasant middle-aged woman came into my part of the store where my manager and I were keeping somewhat busy, immediately posing the question "Who here is good at unusual requests?" or something very close to that. Appealing to my sense of problem solving, and recognizing the opportunity to potentially improve someones day by accomplishing something for them they have not been able to do up to this point, I immediately announced my reply which basically put me at the helm of what turned out to be an extremely easy task. She was looking for acid-free or lignin-free paper which was light blue in color for a project she was working on. Curious about what lignin was I struck up a conversation that rambled all around various different topics of a somewhat eccentric or unusual persuasion. I am almost always interested in these types of things as they often present very new areas of learning exploration and thinking. She taught me how to count binary using my hands, among a few other interesting concepts I was able to follow up on in my own study time later that night. Anyway it was all quite interesting and edifying and then quite suddenly and unexpectedly she reacted very harshly toward me, calling me a jerk and informing me she no longer wanted to speak to me, after I laughed at a small mistake she had made while we were conversing. I laughed out of empathy for her dismay while she apparently took it as something completely different... ultimately this is the point of my story... My good intentions of trying to help, in whatever method I do, was very easily turned into something destructive and ineffective by her misunderstanding of my actions. Several minutes later, after she was finished with her work, she left without a word and in a seemingly bitter mood. I felt terrible the entire rest of the night. Not because I laughed at her but because I offended her at all. I was a large contributing factor in her poor Office Max experience. What a terrible feeling it is to offend someone, intentionally or not.

I know I am not entirely at fault for all that occurred there. I know any number of things, good and bad, could have happened in that little slice of time I have emphasized here. I know that all communication has two responsible parties involved. I still, unfortunately, abbreviate my encompassing description of the whole event with the simple, lacking statement "I have been misunderstood my whole life" in my somewhat lackluster reliance on an Option #1-type of mentality. And it is just so easy to do so.

Anyway I expect I have offended many others without knowing it and for that I must apologize. I never intentionally offend anyone.

So ends story number one. Did you learn anything? I did... in semi-comprehensive retrospect.

I had a good day at work today. No follow-up stories or anything unusual. And even though it is a Saturday, and I will not typically work on a Saturday, I am glad I worked today. Good times.

If you ever want to learn how to count in binary or what the definition of lignin is feel free to ask. I am not an expert on either topic but I can be somewhat informative and would enjoy the conversation.