The power of a word.

Current mood: peaceful

Suicide.

Taxes.

Terrorist.

Slavery.

Bomb.

Here are a few words that have been given a bit more weight than is typical. You may have even winced a bit after reading one or two of them. A single word can be so entrenched with history or circumstance

that it can, by itself, create powerful and meaningful emotions and reactions in those receiving them. The words I chose at the beginning of this thought almost always have a negative, even somewhat grating,

feeling to the thought of them. Given the right circumstances they could even have an adverse affect on the entire feeling of a day... for multiple people at once, even. And I don't mean the actual interaction with any of the concepts portrayed by the word... just speaking or reading of the word.

Here are a few nice words.

Bunnies.

Hug.

Laughter.

Sunshine.

Window.

And I am sure you all have different reactions than I do to the same words. You might have an adverse reaction to the word 'bunnies' if you have any recollection of Watership Down. You might also have an

adverse reaction to the word 'sunshine' if your pet ant 'Juniper' was once melted under a magnifying glass by a psychotic neighbor kid from down the street... whose name happened to be Sunshine. Likely, for most of you, this is not the case.

Words can sometimes be the auditory form of what you look like to others... as well as to yourself. Words you think about yourself shape your self-image and influence the way you behave. They are also one of

the only ways for a person to gain insight as to the true nature of YOU - the obscure, inherently complex emotions and feelings meagerly channeled into form and stability available for review. YOU are not a

collection of words, however, as they are merely an aspect of your will.

Disambiguation.

Apogee.

Exoteric.

Juxtapose.

Magniloquence.

These are a few of the words I enjoy which are a bit on the far side of the typical vocabulary range. They are generally confusing without useful context or any prior exposure. Not particularly useful words, as

their uncommon nature in a manner dictates, but they do have their place. I don't speak another verbal or written language (at least not in any proficient degree) but the other manifestations of my communication do have meaning nonetheless. It is the same as any and every other person living. We all have a voice (audible or not). All of us have the power of words at our disposal. What are we doing with them? What are we doing with the responsibility we accept by our opportunities to express? Are we careful, thoughtful, and good-willing, or do we spend the strength of our amazing, irreplaceable minds expelling garbage and nonsense? It is a choice.

So... it's time to climb back down.</o:p>

         Peace

                   Love

                              Warmth

                                        Family

                                                  Life

I have been reminded of the passing of my good friend Evelyn over the last week or so. It must be because of this particular time of year since I have not been particularly aware of the actual date very much lately. I have thought of her with fond memories. She was a master of sharing the good-willing, uplifting parts of her with others… a debt which I can never repay her, but for which I am eternally grateful. If I can share but a small piece of that with any of my friends I can only hope to have reflected her example in some part.

Happy holidays to you all! Take the time to notice and I am sure you won't regret it.

Dream Log: 11-21-07

Current mood: optimistic

There were a lot of events that happened which I can not recall before the main portion of the dream took place. I know that somehow I did something which got me sent to some sort of confinement which was not actually prison.

There were two or three friends sent there with me. As we walked around the installation we sort of toured it in an interested sense. It had a sort of theme park kind of feeling. At one point something out of my control happened(I kind of think it was like a lava eruption or some sort of unexpected explosion) and a wooden crate was destroyed. As a result I was somehow held responsible and sentenced to death since that was apparently one of the things I was warned about and told not to do... even though I had no control over it.

After I got back to my confinement area I started contemplating my life and impending death. They would be administering lethal injection within a days time. It made me put harsh review on the things of my life I regretted and feel a bit of sadness for the things I wish I had done but either had not the chance or passed up on the opportunity to do.

I imagined the needle going into my arm in the same way it did in real life a couple nights ago when I took the opportunity to give blood at a blood drive. I also tried to imagine my life ending and it made the sting of those things undone become very present and uncomfortable. I did not want to die yet. And for such a silly reason that I had no control over.

I thought about many of the positive things in life. I thought about my perspective of the gospel and returning to my Father in heaven. I thought about the way I lived life, trying to improve myself daily yet failing so often at my attempts... and still feeling okay because I DID try. I thought about repentance and the positive effects it has had in my life. I thought about the fact that I am a virgin... and was sad I was going to die that way. Ha.

I talked with the doctor guy who came to administer my doom, who was actually quite pleasant, and was able to barter for 20 extra minutes of life by donating two Transformer Action figures to a specific cause... I have no idea what that has to do with anything but it worked. The doctor guy kindly obliged and I went back to my confinement room and as I contemplated the inevitable I decided I wanted to fight it... I wanted to present evidence which would make them(whoever 'they' were) realize the ridiculousness of putting me to death for something out of my control(I am not sure why I did not decide this until my last

20 minutes of expected life)

I layed down on my bed thinking about my rebuttle and somehow fell asleep in my dream... this part is sketchy... I had the distinct thought that I escaped the whole scenario after falling asleep... then in real life I was awake, happy that I was not on death row anymore. I really felt quite relieved. Then I happily went back to sleep. Ha.

Anyway... even though there were lots of things that happened which I can not remember, the middle part of it all was very vivid and distinct in it's feeling. A dream which has at least left an impression on me. It does make me happier about life at the moment and much happier that I am not on death row.

Long overdue(not a library book)

Current mood: good

I had somewhat abandoned this method of expression due to an overly busy work pace and readjustment to a different life. My apologies for this most egregious lack of follow up. I have had many a good thought which needed to find words in this way on several unfulfilled occasions. I will try to do better.

This particular moment sees a semi-related follow up to my last blog's manifestation. Only in the respect that it actually has something to do with the concept of seeking for the significant other in one's life(refer to previous blog entry for clarity).

I have often thought about the way I present myself. The type of persona or presence I like to have. The aspects of ME, the whole and true me, that I am willing to share with others... especially in the pursuit of a relationship with somebody I might be interested in. And in this thinking I have really started to see many glaring issues with my current modus operandi. Look at me... ha... I am soon to be thirty years old. More correctly, (because the age itself has little actual meaning to my statement) I have been available for a relationship(not necessarily ready) for several years. I need to make some changes in my thinking or else I will never find what I am looking for. It obviously has not been working so far!

One of the glaring flaws I became very aware of is the fact that I have been intending to put a partial presentation of myself up for display in the attempt to attract the right kind of girl. Let me explain what I mean here. The 'partial presentation' is basically showing the essentials and that is about it. Essentials like my personality, looks(not exactly intended to attract), and visible important values. I had a somewhat of idealistic view of how a person attracted to me should be attracted to me... by limiting others perspective of me to the few traits that were either impossible to hide(looks) or were crucially integral to knowing a person in and out. The glaring flaw in this would be that I am presenting an incomplete(and therefore dishonest) view of who I am completely... my talents, full interests, my perspectives, etc... all important aspects of me that I somehow considered lesser. I think that this also acted as a bit of a defense mechanism for me but that is a topic for a different entry.

I think I had hoped to find the right girl searching for someone like me who did not need all the other bells and whistles. Ultimately that can still be the case even if I AM presenting my bells and whistles... I just held the fear that the bells and whistles were distracting from the important and foundational aspects and I do not want the important things to be overlooked. I consider myself to have a lot of 'bells and whistles' by the way... to a potentially overwhelming degree. I am not a flashy kind of person but I have an almost

extreme level of interest in more and different areas than I find other people to have. I believe my high level of interest has led me to a high level of skill in many of my interests and it would be easy for people to take me as a cocky or arrogant kind of person if I went around telling people what I can do well at. I know not everything needs to be addressed right away but at least now I think I should take a less evasive approach to the way I put myself out there. I am sure it will take practice to even change my behavior in this way to almost any degree... I have been working at the opposite for such a long time.

This leads me to a second realization I have had about this whole topic. Simply stated I must be harboring some degree of unnecessary fear when it comes to relationships in general. There is the general fear of rejection which many people have... a very normal thing which I strangely do not share very much of actually... the fear I speak of is something more indirect - a bit harder to detect. It would play out in my head something like this: I should ask so-and-so out on a date... BUT - I don't really see any interest on

her part - We are not very similar people in a lot of ways(ridiculous, by the way) - Even though I think she is nice, funny, pleasant to be around, etc... I should not ask a girl out just because I think she is really good looking(also ridiculous, she wants me to think she is really good looking anyway) - And there are a bevy of other excuses I can come up with as the situation dictates. I am really good at this lameness.

Anyway... It is FEAR which causes me to do this. I never realized it before because it always seems like good logic at the time. What it is effectively doing is cutting off the opportunity for me to be proven wrong on any of the assumptions I so easily and so quickly make thereby eliminating the possibility of going through a potentially bothersome or painful situation... also eliminating the possibility of going through a potentially FREAKIN' AWESOME situation. I just forget to see that second possibility usually. Man, I am a dummy. I really need to grow a pair(sorry for the crude terminology but I can't be easy

on myself here)!

So what does this change? Me, hopefully. Now that I can address it as a fear I can realize it is an obstacle I should overcome. It is strange how fears disguised as 'sound logic' can so easily be accepted as okay... or even good. Anyway there has been more about this subject floating around in my head but I have been at this entry a bit too long to really pull them back into consciousness at the moment. Plus I am sure this is as boring as heck for being so long anyway(believe me I am okay with that possibility - this really is more for my sanity anyway). I do hope something positive could be gleaned by any who read this though. A peripheral benefit to the public expression of positive ideas.

Halloweentime coming up!

Marriage anyone?

Current mood: exhausted

Something occurred to me an hour ago after a customer I was doing work for made a comment.

Joe: "Hey man, stick around and catch a movie with us."

Jim: "Right Joe, like he isn't already in trouble with his wife for being out working so late anyway!"

I did the semi-dishonest thing by not really responding with anything but a fairly ambiguous "Neh." as I looked off to the left, as if to be searching for the end of my job duties at the time. - The thing that occured to me when I left was that I am now old enough that people might assume I am married before assuming that I am not. It is kind of weird to me. I guess my concept of when people get married is somewhere behind the social curve. Something I had never before supposed to the be the case. Stupid media. I am sure it is at fault for this strange misconception.

I know I am far from the epitome of an ideal marriage timeline but I feel obliged to make one statement on the topic. Don't wait! Start looking now! Start trying to get married now! There are few(very few) exceptions in my mind. I know it may not appear like I am personally following this particular mindset but there is always more going on behind the curtain than readily perceivable. For what it's worth.

Hope y'all have a grand 'ol evening!

Congratulations Meg and Devin! Sorry I got stuck working all night... learning more about my social idiosyncrasies. I know this has to be the saddest wedding gift you could have possibly gotten. I'll come up with something better... in time.

And so it begins...

Tomorrow I take my leave of this place and head to Washington for job training in an entirely new field of work for me. It is a bitter-sweet journey long overdue in the progress of my life path but promises to be an excellently positive step toward the future I have been planning for myself. And it should only take a month or so give or take.

It holds a lot of interesting, somewhat peculiar feelings to me as I contemplate this bold endeavor. There are the natural feelings of doubt and anticipation. Excitement, relief, and sadness are sort of lingering around in small portions at their various stages of manifestation and expression. Curiosity and optimistic positivity might be the prevalent feelings I experience, though, and for that I am quite thankful. This direction is certainly calculated to be a life-changing experience for the better.

So I will be back. I plan to continue, in a small degree at first, with my own graphics/media business. I plan to build it into something solid, stable, and self-supporting. It may take years to do but it will be far more possible now having the solid financial foundation of this new job underneath it. That alone is an exciting prospect.

While I am gone I can be contacted at my parents house number or through email. The phone number will be available on my phone message and I would always be happy to hear from you so don't be afraid to call. My parents are cool with it.

So enjoy the summer and I'll see you when I see you... a slightly older person than the last time I saw you.

General Life Update - Call it glu if you like.

Current mood: exhausted

It has been quite a span since I last made any comments here. I have had the inspiration from time to time but neglected to act on it for whatever reason. Sometimes I just let the cooler thoughts sit on the burner for too long.

I am finally settled in my new place. I have been here three, maybe four, weeks and it seems to be working out so far... even if a bit on the hot side during the recent sunny-day barrage... which isn't even that hot by typical Californian standards.

I finally started doing some regular, meaning multiple times a week, physical training of sorts. Running has been the main version lately, although I do other things for variation on occasion, and seems to do a lot for my general life optimism. It is a really excellent feeling... and it is attainable by anyone willing to make the time. So worth it. I could even say it has had a bit of a life-changing effect on me. Although I suspect there are many other factors in play on my behalf.

So I realized I am getting a bit old for some of the young person activities I used to enjoy so much. I did some wrestling yesterday and WOW am I paying for it today, and likely tomorrow. I enjoyed it while it was happening, and I did okay at it considering it has been years since I have really done that kind of vigorous physical activity, but think it would be wise to abstain from such activity without having properly trained my body for that kind of abuse beforehand. And I am not even old by general standards... I guess I am just reckless on occasion.

I think I will keep it short today... I actually want to be asleep very soon and I still have to write in my journal. Plus... I am not sure any of this holds the standard entertainment value I generally offer in this forum. Ha... Like that really matters. Am I competing with myself now?

June is only a moment away.

The maxim of change and unpredictability.

Current mood: optimistic

It is an ever-present, highly dominating feature of life for those who seek for something better. A splendid reality I am regularly thankful to indulge in.

Thirty days from today I will, by managerial dictate, reside in an entirely new environment. I will no longer hold the current position I do as an assisted living employee. There are associated details which are easy to discern as well but on the whole many of the details of this are exceptionally skewed and difficult to portend. It is fascinating to me.

What a fun position I am in! I am unexpectedly optimistic about the whole thing and I am not even really sure why. I can feel the reality of faith in action as it fuels my optimism. Maybe I really am more nomadic at heart than I realize.

Anyway... I thought I would share my excitement here even if only briefly as I should be heading to bed soon. I really have had a different cluster of thoughts to blog about lately, which hold a seemingly larger portion of my energy, but I think I will let it stew about a bit before spreading anything out on the table just yet. Maybe soon though....

Here's to blogging short once in a while! Here, here!