Late night indulgences.

So I should already be sleeping since I do have work tomorrow... luckily it is not very early but I know I should still be sleeping already. Consistency and regularity of sleep is so extremely valuable and still a habit I have not properly formed. This is not the purpose of my writing tonight, though, so I'll just leave it at that.

I was recently given the opportunity to perform a song on guitar for an activity at church. I will normally always take these types of opportunities when they arise for a couple of reasons. There ended up being a new reason in the mix of it after reflection of tonight's particular performance. The new reason I would say is the fact that I need to learn how to take praise from others. I have been aware of my ineptitude at accepting compliments from others for quite some time but there is a different element to this particular type of praise.

The performance itself held a couple semi-unique qualities relative to other performances I have given in the past. One was the fact that I was playing guitar alone (not bass guitar.) Two was the fact that I played a piece of music that was completely my own creation (a totally solo writing effort.) I have done similar things in the past but this somehow took a different shape for me this time. It had different value and therefore changed the value of the praise I received from it.

I think that my outward reception of praise might not be so off kilter. What I believe I need work on is how to internalize it properly. It might be hearkening back to my general misunderstanding with how people really see me in the first place. When I receive a compliment or praise I don't really know what people are saying unfortunately. I really do appreciate the gift of a compliment - positive people are totally great examples - and I am sure I just think about things far too much for my own good, but what do people really say to me when they give me a compliment? I feel at a loss with this stuff far too often. (Is there a grammatically correct word in the English language with three o's in it?)

Anyway... I feel like I need practice accepting praise... uh... that sounds sooooo campy. Ha. I am not fishing for compliments here! Ha. Whoops. What I mean is that I need to learn to turn off my analytical mind about the compliments/praise people offer me.

On to other things...

I was thinking about how I am currently interested in a girl I somewhat recently met. I do this kind of thing when I become interested... think about her and all that. I so rarely become interested that I feel like I am learning about the process all over again each time it happens. I think that is normal to some degree since every person is a unique influence on me anyway, but the time factor in the disparity of interested times of my life certainly does a lot too.

So I was thinking that I am pretty sure I am awful at really being able to seperate her socially from the rest of the girls which I am not interested in. It's weird to think that I should be segregating people on purpose but I really think that is something I probably should do. I want her to feel like she is somebody uniquely important to me. I am not "in love", trying to force commitment, or trying to climb into her life uninvited or unexpected. I am simply very interested and I think there must be some way of treating her accordingly

without coming off overly aggressive or, possibly in my case, disinterested. I probably shouldn't think about such things when I am tired.

I feel like I am stumbling around in the dark as it is since I have very little idea what her interest level in me is but I don't think that is the point. I can not say she is disinterested in me just as much as I can not say she is interested in me so I guess it's like a 50/50 shot for now. Pretty good odds from where I am sitting. Ha.

Anyway... I guess this is me baring my ignorance to the world who cares enough pay attention. Thanks for listening. That is all I need once in a while.

Trip to the land of memories... new and old. WARNING - SUPER LONG!

I recently had the privilege to make a one-week return to my beloved California home. It was an adventurous experience in so many ways that I thought it would be a good topic for some writing here.

Thursday -

It was, from the very onset, a somewhat ruckus and crazy endeavor as I made my way down to CA in the middle of a blasting, rainy storm of nearly biblical proportions... okay, maybe not like Noah biblical, more like Washingtonian proportions x 2. It was the worst rain/wind storm I have ever seen as far as I can recollect. I say that in total seriousness. I have never been in such heavy and enduring rain. I had to detour off of I-5 over to Hwy101 and it basically added eight or so hours to my trip down.

In all that time to think, going that slow pace with little to no traffic for a large part of the way, I reflected on many of my CA-based memories with fondness. I kind of felt like I was somehow saying good-bye already and I was not even there yet nor did I have plans that would be keeping me away. I may have shed a tear or two. I can't quite remember since I was pretty exhausted.

Friday -

I finally arrived at 11:30am-ish, barely in time to pick up Wyatt to go to a "Friends of Nora Hunter" lunch at Joe's Buffet at noon. Joe's Buffet is a good place to go if you wanted to go alone just for sandwiches... since it was intended as a social gathering which Nora organized it was ten, no, 11 times better an experience just for the people I was happy to see. Nora, Jeremy, Ryan & Nellie, Ken, Pres and Sister Siefke, Ken, MiLinnda, Wyatt, and Elder Davis(who will die from eating peanuts.) What a treat! Wyatt and Nora shared some friendly words, Jeremy wore his hat and sunglasses, Sister Siefke took pictures, Nellie shared news of a new arrival. And I had only been in town like an hour or something.

I met up with one of my clients and did some video editing work as soon as I got back to Jeremy's. We were pretty productive until I needed to meet up with another client to do some other computer work.

We were also pretty efficient and stayed pretty well on schedule so I could leave to head to the Fairfield Table Tennis Club at the Senior Center to meet up with my friends from the club there and play a little bit. Mike DeWynter, David, Alan, Nat, Tony, Alfredo, Mike Lewis, Mary, Ramon, and a few others all made it. I got to play with Mike DeWynter, who I enjoy playing more than almost anybody else, and was actually able to pull a match out. I had not played more than a couple times since I was last in town but had the advantage of my odd style being odd again since I had not played him in even longer. It was a bit weird not having Boyd there since he was my main practice partner for the last couple or so years.

Adam also showed up to hang out and he, Alfredo, and I headed out to Sacramento to meet up with Matt and a myspace friend Stacy. We got out of the club a bit later than planned so we missed the rollerskating portion of the evening but Matt organized a pretty cool group of people and we all headed over to the Denny's nearby for a bite and some socializing. It was good to meet Stacy as well as Matt's friends Cammy, Mike, and Mike. We all had a pretty lax time and seemed to enjoy each others company. I think Alfredo and Adam even enjoyed it regardless of me and Matt being the only people they new beforehand.

I stopped by with the guys to check out Matt's new place on the way home. A nice little pad.

Saturday -

I woke up early(early like 9am or something) to head to the club again before going to the Oakland Temple to take some pictures after Chad and Emerie's wedding. Got to play a little bit again then said my good-byes and headed out.

Since my timing got kind of messed up to get to the temple on time I decided to head to Red Robin for a meal and to see who I might recognize there. It was really good to see Sue, Ron, and Sonya, and I recognized a few more that I did not know very well. It was a busy Saturday as usual but I had a delightful Fajita Fiesta Pollo Salad in snappy quick fashion. That seems to be my favorite thing to get there nowadays.

I then headed to Concord to pick up a battery charger for my camera. On my way back from Concord I stopped by Alfredo's house to get my bass guitar. It was cool to see his little one, now over 7 months old(maybe older, I can't remember) for the first time. Cute little girl! Their house was pretty nice and back yard was huge.

I went back into town and met up with Cris at the library. It was really good to see his shrunken self for the first time after his return from his mission to the Phillipines. He lost like 60+ lbs over there... and I don't think he plans to look for them. We looked for some audio books at the library for a bit then headed to a late lunch at Hop Hing's. Man, if I could choose only three places to eat on my trip I had just accomplished that after my visit to Hop Hing's.

Cris and I parted when I had to do some more computer work before heading back to Jeremy's to get ready for the reception. Matt came over for a ride and Cris rejoined us as we got lost on our way to the reception. I got my country clubs mixed up but we got there in time for most of the fun stuff.

Tons of delightful faces to see! Lots of friends I did not expect too. Too many to list. I brought my camera along with the idea that I would enjoy taking a few pictures here and there but that idea was sufficiently stifled by the continuing opportunity to visit with old friends. No pictures - no big deal. I have my memories to keep me warm.

I had a few sweet good-byes there since I knew I would not be seeing some of them at church the next day and such. A positively emotional evening.

Sunday -

I got to church on time to give opening prayer but forgot to pick up Adam so went and got him right after the prayer. It was fast Sunday so we got back in the middle of "Fast and Testimony" meeting. It only took a few minutes for the Spirit to prompt me to share my own testimony. A very sweet experience, as was the rest of the meeting. I truly miss my friends there and their encouraging, positive influence on me.

Ernest was teaching Sunday school so I had to stick around for that before heading off to the Solano ward. Ernest has always been one of my favorite teachers and I am quite glad I stayed.

The Solano ward was quite a different experience than I remembered. Many of the old crew were still there but it had a different feeling to it. It was good to see so many of those old peeps too. Bishop Esplin was no longer the Bishop so I did not get to see him unfortunately. I'll have to catch him next time I go down.

I headed over to a friends house to visit for a bit before heading to "Break-the-Fast" at President Siefke's. We had a taco salad main course and tons of brownies for dessert. There were, of course, other things to eat but they are obviously less memorable. Ha. Lots of people showed up and it was good times just like I remembered. I did have the opportunity to get some pictures in this time... also, much like I remembered. We stayed good and long. Maybe a bit too long.

I was going to hang with Adam again but forgot to turn on my ringer in my phone so I missed his call. I went back to Jeremy's and hung with him the rest of the evening. We watched some t.v. and chatted the rest of the evening.

Monday -

I briefly stopped by at my friend house to help with computer issues still unresolved.

I was not aware of the demise of the "Friends of Elder Winnie" lunch so I tried to get the info out on one that I planned which met at Hop Hing's(I really love that place.) Jeremiah, Adam, and President Siefke were the only ones to make it but we had a good meal and a good time anyway. Adam is very apprised of the political scene and I found it inspiring to chat with him on the subject.

I met up with my video editing guy at Jeremy's again and we got to work for the afternoon again. We stayed pretty productive until I had to leave for F.H.E.

We had an excellent lesson on goals from Brother Mears. I am still inspired that I need to be more diligent about clearly defining and reviewing my own personal goals.

We then got letters back from ourselves that were written a year ago in F.H.E.! Awesome! Jimmy said "Hi." to me in my own letter to me. There were quite a few other things I am quite glad I was able to read at that time. What a blessing of timing to be able to have that activity on the only night that I would be in town. We then wrote more letters to ourselves for a year from now. It feels like I should make it a tradition.

A good size crew hung around to socialize for quite a while afterward. We didn't go anywhere for food or anything but had a good chat nonetheless. Once again, like old times.

Tuesday -

I went into work at the office of one of my clients for most of the day. I did not make as much progress as I was hoping. It was good to see the new office though. Things seem to be progressing.

I then headed over to help with some more computer stuff at a friends house. Also not quite as much progress as was hoped for but I am sure they have already gotten it taken care of.

I went home and hung with Jeremy again. Relaxing and slow-paced enjoyment.

Wednesday -

I met up with one of my web clients in the morning. Had a relatively good meeting then headed into my other clients office to check up on things before heading back to WA.

Things were still not in order so I ended up sticking around for a few extra hours trying, unsuccessfully, to get things squared up before I headed out. I might be heading back within the next couple weeks to continue that particular puzzle solving.

I ended up not having the time or availability to get my storage taken care of at all since the rain was already making a fairly sever comeback. I just paid my bill for another month, dropped off a couple things at a friends house, and headed on my way.

I checked the weather report for Shasta, which looked good, so decided to head up I-5 this time. Much to my dismay I was met with a complete mountain closure at the Siskiyou pass on the border, chains or not. Quite a bummer. I had to buy chains for my rental car back in Yreka and I ended up going back to Yreka to have some hot chocolate and a bagel at Denny's. I decided to go to sleep in my car in a hotel parking lot for a few hours then check the mountain report.

Thursday -

I woke up around 4am and headed back up to the pass. In almost comical fashion I was turned around at the top to go back to put my chains back on and as soon as I finished, and I mean within minutes of me finishing hooking the chains back onto the car, they lifted the chains requirement completely. I laughed pretty good at that little scene and am glad I was there to witness it... even though it was happening TO me anyway.

Onward I drove, heading back north to the land of rain and apples. My friend Kevin had some cd's for me at his house in Vancouver so I stopped by his house, just a little west of I-5, and was met by a completely unexpected flash hail storm as I walked from my car to his house. Hail was coming down everywhere and flooding gutters and streets within a minutes time or so. It all lasted about 5 minutes as I picked up the cd's and was basically done when I decided it would be best for me to head out. I didn't want to get caught in

another storm. I had enough of those at this point.

On my way out of town I was amazed to see all the hail covering the streets and everything. Probably half an inch or so.

I didn't end up having any more troubles all the way home. I was surprised to discover, though, when I walked into the house that I apparently was in Vancouver at the exact time that a tornado touched down. Even more surprised later when I found out it was only blocks away from where I was. Who knew? I didn't think to look around for that kind of thing so I didn't actually see it. But I guess I could have. Weird.

So... That is where I must bring things to a close. I did not expect to write so prolifically on this experience. My hamstring hurts so I rather expected this to be a shortened entry if anything. If you have actually gotten this far let me know and I'll reward you with something, really. I am not sure what yet. I'll try to make it good.

And this concludes my first trip report of '08. I loved it!

So... uh... go grab a snack or something. I am sure it has been a while since you have eaten.

Incarnations of the Elusive

Current mood: inspired

I have always wanted to be ________.(fill in the blank)

Some personal examples:

I have always wanted to be able to dunk a basketball with two hands.

I have always wanted to be able to proficiently play guitar and sing at the same time.

I have always wanted to be good at reading books.

I have always wanted to be a morning person(my favorite time of the day.)

I have always wanted to be in good physical shape.

I have always wanted to be able to open my mouth when I know I should(not just to eat food.)

I have always wanted to be the best friend I can be.

I have always wanted to be a totally honest and clear communicator.

I have always wanted to be a good example to others.

I have always wanted to be trustworthy of all people.

I have always wanted to be diligently creative.

I have always wanted to be like my friends, but unique from them.

I have always wanted to be good at schoolwork.

I have always wanted to be poetic in my expression.

I have always wanted to be able to read people well and understand their needs.

I have always wanted to be a good brother to my siblings.

I have always wanted to be totally capable of cheering anybody up.

I have always wanted to be one who does not care about money(whether I have it or not.)

I have always wanted to be in control of my direction in life.

I have always wanted to be well-known of all people(for reasons of clarity.)

I have always wanted to be accurate and precise in all endeavors.

I have always wanted to be a very fast typist.

I have always wanted to be able to see both sides of all equations.

I have always wanted to be loved.

I have always wanted to be a righteous leader.

I have always wanted to be a singer.

I have always wanted to be good at sight-reading piano music.

I have always wanted to be better at coping with other people in physical pain(I don't like, but totally appreciate the doings of what those in the medical profession do.)

I have always wanted to be extremely consistent.

I have always wanted to be myself.

And there are certainly many more.

In all of these thoughts I have only succeeded in achieving to a degree, never fully attaining my perfect idea of any of them, yet still have something to show for them in the light of progress. I am quite thankful for the blessings of my progress in many of them. Regardless of how far away I am from my goal in each I still do benefit from the pursuit itself, as well as the sometimes negligible improvement in any of them in my life.

Most of these take a high level of focus and determination for me to achieve, yet, there they are in my mind... something I would like to be. It is easy to be discouraged about many of them... even more so against the basis of comparison to others. But that is merely a pitfall to be avoided as often as it arises.

So, as I sit in contemplation of the coming year I ask myself a question. What will set this year apart from the rest?

I already know much of the answer lies in the specific direction I am headed at the beginning. It is a plan to become something better, which is not a new plan at all, but this year it is already set apart by the fact that I have carried some momentum into it from last year.

I usually don't bother to make any distinction in the time of a new passing and beginning year but this year I am making an exception.

The one resolution I have this year is to not wait until next new year to make more resolutions. Progress needs to happen regularly and without procrastination! This is a true fact that I so often brush aside, and my hope is that my resolution this year will help me eventually squelch that poor "I'll do it tomorrow" misconception.

I think it should make for a fun challenge.

Thanks for listening/reading/contemplating with me. Y'all deserve a medal.

The time of so many things.

Current mood: peaceful

And by 'so many things' I mean, this is the time of year given all kinds of extra meaning in so many areas of life. Family intensity(for good or bad), capitalistic consumerism, spiritual celebration, and that is hardly scratching the surface.

I might even call it a dangerous time. There is so much our there in life, somewhat amplified at this time of year, that can so easily distract us from what we as living, human beings are seeking that it is quite easy to lose sight of our path to those sought-after things. Life gets really noisy at this time of year and I would like to offer something on the quieter side for your perusal.

Sometimes - I am not sure how often without going back to look - I write blogs here merely for myself in a somewhat selfish need to express for whatever reason prods me at the time. There are other times - probably a more common occurence - that I write blogs here to hopefully build those of my friends here who might read what it is that I write. This also typically holds a somewhat selfish need as I am often repayed in kind by your own words of reflection and inspiration which I do highly value. Today I write for a somewhat different reason.

I am not very into buying people gifts at Christmas time for several reasons. The obvious reason, me being a poor sack, is a large influencing factor here. But a larger contributing idea is that I have lost, somewhere along the way of life, the value of physical worldly things to a large degree. The things of the world that I most enjoy are usually tools (a musical instrument, a camera, a fine-tip mechanical pencil) or things which have value in shaping ones character(an inspirational book, beautiful music, a hug.) These things are either tricky to buy within the time frame of the holiday or difficult to discern in the first place. I will gladly give any of these gifts as I can when I can. Sorry if I can't fit them in when everybody else in the world does.

Regardless... I have recently felt inspired that I should give you all the gift of my personal feelings. This is a place in the time of my life which I hold high value for, and I think that sharing my personal thoughts on it would be closest to the best gift I can even give anyway... and it was only paid for by my personal experience.

I have composed my thoughts into a letter as follows:

Loved Ones,

I am your son, your brother, your uncle, your friend. I come to you at this time in the form of my word, my expression, my love for you. I hope to give you in some part what I have been given. The offer of my service through the blessings of my life, which are numerous, sometimes undeserved and under-appreciated, yet hopefully shared with you as I have made or taken the opportunity. YOU are the purpose of my life.

I know that God lives and loves all His children. I know it through the manifestation of the spirit in my life as it has spoken this truth to my heart and mind. I consider it one of the greatest blessings I have been given in this life! The beautiful perspective I have been offered in this truth truly fills me with happiness as I am surrounded by His great and eternal children every day that I live. I know I do not fully comprehend the expanse of Father's love, and fall short in my appreciation of it all too often, but I do see each of you with a glimpse of His perspective from time to time and I am eternally grateful for that blessing.

I know that Jesus Christ is the one and only Savior of the world and that through His atonement we can become like He is. Many things are implied by this statement when under the meticulous scrutiny of perception combined with intellect and reflection, and I am thoroughly convinced of the truth of these implications as well. I know that in my life as I have exercised the faith necessary in this truth, and acted upon that faith, that I have been changed into something better. I have gained greater self-control. I have excised corruptive and unwanted aspects of my character. The process has brought me peace, relief, and comfort... and I know the same can and will be had by any who truthfully and earnestly do the same. And it all comes by His grace and power to act in our lives as we will allow Him.

I know that the true gospel of God has been restored to this earth in its complete fulness with every necessary and vital piece in it's active order according to His design. His authority is only present in His church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, where the fruits of his Love for his children can be obtained by any seeking them. He glories in the choices of all who come unto Him through this one and only gate leading to true salvation and happiness living with Him eternally.

I know that I carry the weight of these statements in my life. I am bound by my word. Even this meager testimony. I hope that what I have shared here will inspire any reading it in a positive way, indeed towards Christ the only true source of happiness, as I do share this out of my love. This is a significant part of my life which is so often held in reserve unnecessarily. I do apologize for my typical lack of character in this regard. For all my fancy and frivolous talk I unfortunately neglect the truer more tender parts of my expression all too often.

Nonetheless... These are MY words. This is MY testimony. I leave it with you in the name of Him, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, amen.

Sincerely,

Aaron Castillo

Merry Christmas and a grand new year to you all!

The power of a word.

Current mood: peaceful

Suicide.

Taxes.

Terrorist.

Slavery.

Bomb.

Here are a few words that have been given a bit more weight than is typical. You may have even winced a bit after reading one or two of them. A single word can be so entrenched with history or circumstance

that it can, by itself, create powerful and meaningful emotions and reactions in those receiving them. The words I chose at the beginning of this thought almost always have a negative, even somewhat grating,

feeling to the thought of them. Given the right circumstances they could even have an adverse affect on the entire feeling of a day... for multiple people at once, even. And I don't mean the actual interaction with any of the concepts portrayed by the word... just speaking or reading of the word.

Here are a few nice words.

Bunnies.

Hug.

Laughter.

Sunshine.

Window.

And I am sure you all have different reactions than I do to the same words. You might have an adverse reaction to the word 'bunnies' if you have any recollection of Watership Down. You might also have an

adverse reaction to the word 'sunshine' if your pet ant 'Juniper' was once melted under a magnifying glass by a psychotic neighbor kid from down the street... whose name happened to be Sunshine. Likely, for most of you, this is not the case.

Words can sometimes be the auditory form of what you look like to others... as well as to yourself. Words you think about yourself shape your self-image and influence the way you behave. They are also one of

the only ways for a person to gain insight as to the true nature of YOU - the obscure, inherently complex emotions and feelings meagerly channeled into form and stability available for review. YOU are not a

collection of words, however, as they are merely an aspect of your will.

Disambiguation.

Apogee.

Exoteric.

Juxtapose.

Magniloquence.

These are a few of the words I enjoy which are a bit on the far side of the typical vocabulary range. They are generally confusing without useful context or any prior exposure. Not particularly useful words, as

their uncommon nature in a manner dictates, but they do have their place. I don't speak another verbal or written language (at least not in any proficient degree) but the other manifestations of my communication do have meaning nonetheless. It is the same as any and every other person living. We all have a voice (audible or not). All of us have the power of words at our disposal. What are we doing with them? What are we doing with the responsibility we accept by our opportunities to express? Are we careful, thoughtful, and good-willing, or do we spend the strength of our amazing, irreplaceable minds expelling garbage and nonsense? It is a choice.

So... it's time to climb back down.</o:p>

         Peace

                   Love

                              Warmth

                                        Family

                                                  Life

I have been reminded of the passing of my good friend Evelyn over the last week or so. It must be because of this particular time of year since I have not been particularly aware of the actual date very much lately. I have thought of her with fond memories. She was a master of sharing the good-willing, uplifting parts of her with others… a debt which I can never repay her, but for which I am eternally grateful. If I can share but a small piece of that with any of my friends I can only hope to have reflected her example in some part.

Happy holidays to you all! Take the time to notice and I am sure you won't regret it.

Dream Log: 11-21-07

Current mood: optimistic

There were a lot of events that happened which I can not recall before the main portion of the dream took place. I know that somehow I did something which got me sent to some sort of confinement which was not actually prison.

There were two or three friends sent there with me. As we walked around the installation we sort of toured it in an interested sense. It had a sort of theme park kind of feeling. At one point something out of my control happened(I kind of think it was like a lava eruption or some sort of unexpected explosion) and a wooden crate was destroyed. As a result I was somehow held responsible and sentenced to death since that was apparently one of the things I was warned about and told not to do... even though I had no control over it.

After I got back to my confinement area I started contemplating my life and impending death. They would be administering lethal injection within a days time. It made me put harsh review on the things of my life I regretted and feel a bit of sadness for the things I wish I had done but either had not the chance or passed up on the opportunity to do.

I imagined the needle going into my arm in the same way it did in real life a couple nights ago when I took the opportunity to give blood at a blood drive. I also tried to imagine my life ending and it made the sting of those things undone become very present and uncomfortable. I did not want to die yet. And for such a silly reason that I had no control over.

I thought about many of the positive things in life. I thought about my perspective of the gospel and returning to my Father in heaven. I thought about the way I lived life, trying to improve myself daily yet failing so often at my attempts... and still feeling okay because I DID try. I thought about repentance and the positive effects it has had in my life. I thought about the fact that I am a virgin... and was sad I was going to die that way. Ha.

I talked with the doctor guy who came to administer my doom, who was actually quite pleasant, and was able to barter for 20 extra minutes of life by donating two Transformer Action figures to a specific cause... I have no idea what that has to do with anything but it worked. The doctor guy kindly obliged and I went back to my confinement room and as I contemplated the inevitable I decided I wanted to fight it... I wanted to present evidence which would make them(whoever 'they' were) realize the ridiculousness of putting me to death for something out of my control(I am not sure why I did not decide this until my last

20 minutes of expected life)

I layed down on my bed thinking about my rebuttle and somehow fell asleep in my dream... this part is sketchy... I had the distinct thought that I escaped the whole scenario after falling asleep... then in real life I was awake, happy that I was not on death row anymore. I really felt quite relieved. Then I happily went back to sleep. Ha.

Anyway... even though there were lots of things that happened which I can not remember, the middle part of it all was very vivid and distinct in it's feeling. A dream which has at least left an impression on me. It does make me happier about life at the moment and much happier that I am not on death row.

Long overdue(not a library book)

Current mood: good

I had somewhat abandoned this method of expression due to an overly busy work pace and readjustment to a different life. My apologies for this most egregious lack of follow up. I have had many a good thought which needed to find words in this way on several unfulfilled occasions. I will try to do better.

This particular moment sees a semi-related follow up to my last blog's manifestation. Only in the respect that it actually has something to do with the concept of seeking for the significant other in one's life(refer to previous blog entry for clarity).

I have often thought about the way I present myself. The type of persona or presence I like to have. The aspects of ME, the whole and true me, that I am willing to share with others... especially in the pursuit of a relationship with somebody I might be interested in. And in this thinking I have really started to see many glaring issues with my current modus operandi. Look at me... ha... I am soon to be thirty years old. More correctly, (because the age itself has little actual meaning to my statement) I have been available for a relationship(not necessarily ready) for several years. I need to make some changes in my thinking or else I will never find what I am looking for. It obviously has not been working so far!

One of the glaring flaws I became very aware of is the fact that I have been intending to put a partial presentation of myself up for display in the attempt to attract the right kind of girl. Let me explain what I mean here. The 'partial presentation' is basically showing the essentials and that is about it. Essentials like my personality, looks(not exactly intended to attract), and visible important values. I had a somewhat of idealistic view of how a person attracted to me should be attracted to me... by limiting others perspective of me to the few traits that were either impossible to hide(looks) or were crucially integral to knowing a person in and out. The glaring flaw in this would be that I am presenting an incomplete(and therefore dishonest) view of who I am completely... my talents, full interests, my perspectives, etc... all important aspects of me that I somehow considered lesser. I think that this also acted as a bit of a defense mechanism for me but that is a topic for a different entry.

I think I had hoped to find the right girl searching for someone like me who did not need all the other bells and whistles. Ultimately that can still be the case even if I AM presenting my bells and whistles... I just held the fear that the bells and whistles were distracting from the important and foundational aspects and I do not want the important things to be overlooked. I consider myself to have a lot of 'bells and whistles' by the way... to a potentially overwhelming degree. I am not a flashy kind of person but I have an almost

extreme level of interest in more and different areas than I find other people to have. I believe my high level of interest has led me to a high level of skill in many of my interests and it would be easy for people to take me as a cocky or arrogant kind of person if I went around telling people what I can do well at. I know not everything needs to be addressed right away but at least now I think I should take a less evasive approach to the way I put myself out there. I am sure it will take practice to even change my behavior in this way to almost any degree... I have been working at the opposite for such a long time.

This leads me to a second realization I have had about this whole topic. Simply stated I must be harboring some degree of unnecessary fear when it comes to relationships in general. There is the general fear of rejection which many people have... a very normal thing which I strangely do not share very much of actually... the fear I speak of is something more indirect - a bit harder to detect. It would play out in my head something like this: I should ask so-and-so out on a date... BUT - I don't really see any interest on

her part - We are not very similar people in a lot of ways(ridiculous, by the way) - Even though I think she is nice, funny, pleasant to be around, etc... I should not ask a girl out just because I think she is really good looking(also ridiculous, she wants me to think she is really good looking anyway) - And there are a bevy of other excuses I can come up with as the situation dictates. I am really good at this lameness.

Anyway... It is FEAR which causes me to do this. I never realized it before because it always seems like good logic at the time. What it is effectively doing is cutting off the opportunity for me to be proven wrong on any of the assumptions I so easily and so quickly make thereby eliminating the possibility of going through a potentially bothersome or painful situation... also eliminating the possibility of going through a potentially FREAKIN' AWESOME situation. I just forget to see that second possibility usually. Man, I am a dummy. I really need to grow a pair(sorry for the crude terminology but I can't be easy

on myself here)!

So what does this change? Me, hopefully. Now that I can address it as a fear I can realize it is an obstacle I should overcome. It is strange how fears disguised as 'sound logic' can so easily be accepted as okay... or even good. Anyway there has been more about this subject floating around in my head but I have been at this entry a bit too long to really pull them back into consciousness at the moment. Plus I am sure this is as boring as heck for being so long anyway(believe me I am okay with that possibility - this really is more for my sanity anyway). I do hope something positive could be gleaned by any who read this though. A peripheral benefit to the public expression of positive ideas.

Halloweentime coming up!