Living in my head.

It has kind of bobbled around in my thoughts over the last few days or so that life is predominantly experienced in our minds more than anywhere, or anyway, else. SO much of what we do is simply thinking about what we actually WILL do. I would guess that it is probably around 99% or more of our waking hours being spent in general thought. I know that probably sounds dramatic but when one stops to consider how long it actually takes to do the things they are doing, as well as how much thinking means nothing without the action to accompany it... it seems less and less dramatic.

Anyway, I'm too tired to give this idea a proper go for now... maybe another time, I guess.

Trading away myself for a different self.

The topic of my recent 48-hour film contest short film was one which might be closer to my heart than I previously assumed. Much of the outwardly obvious comparisons seem pretty easy to spot... the core of the matter, though, was something I think I even overlooked as it was being written all the way up to today.

I have basically been contemplating what aspects of myself I would be willing to trade away if it were somehow able to guarantee getting a wife. Strangely, even though I think of this as one of my strongest features, I was thinking that my intelligence(however much that seems to be... whether actual value exists there or not) would be one of the first things I would willingly trade away. It certainly has a lot of benefits in many life applications but it also seems to be one of my personal features which may be responsible for my currently single status in the first place. Given my personal feeling on the topic of my intelligence I suppose it would seem like a pretty obvious first casualty.

Anyway, I'm glad I can't actually do what I have been considering tonight. The gravity of such an ethical/moral dilemma is definitely more than I can appropriately weigh in on. I am fairly certain I would probably make a pretty severe mistake if I were given the opportunity. Ha.

Stuck in the wrong gear.

But at least I feel like I am moving. I kind of don't really know exactly where the wheels are pointed but the motion seems important. I really need to throw my head back in the driver's seat.

Beyond all that I am inclined to mention that I have felt the sting of loneliness a little more than normal lately. I think it comes from the unrequited feelings I have recently discovered mixed with my motivation to progress in life. Since neither are normally part of my focus in this sort of form I tend to think they are working on me emotionally in a very different way... makes me think my usual lack of these motivations are what have kept me from feeling lonely all these years. Wow, what a crummy self-defense mechanism!

Long day of film work.

I think I work better when planning is involved... that said, I do enjoy improvising a glob of ideas from time to time. And I think I do okay at it, too.

Time heals some wounds.

Which I think might be more correct than saying time heals all wounds. Some wounds might be forgotten, lost, or become painless... but the effects of some wounds are irreversible. That said, however, I feel like I have not dived too far out over any insurmountable lines. I have merely tripped on a few hard rocks and have stumbled a bit further forward than is comfortable. It feels like she still considers me a friend.

Teaching a class who teaches me in return.

I think this is something that is generally known to be consistently true but is ofter overlooked as a secondary, or even peripheral, benefit to teaching. I personally think it is one of the best opportunities related to teaching. It is something that lifts, inspires, and motivates me every time I have the chance to teach.

The learning and knowledge gained in the preparation of a lesson would probably be my other favorite feature of teaching... which makes it sound like teaching is a purely selfish endeavor for me... but that is not quite the case. I am exceptionally thrilled to see the progress of my students, as well. Though, because it is such a difficult thing to discern in any meaningful way, I can't say it is a consistently present motivating factor.

Anyway, this week should be a good one. I have a great deal of things to accomplish in so little time!

Kickin' it with the guys.

I am glad finals week is fully over and I was quite happy to take advantage of a full relaxation-style Saturday today! I slept in(after my early work shift), I played some disc golf with my boys(or dudes, or guys, possibly men. ha), and chilled in front of a television for some non-thinking and entertainment. It was quite the positive dose of post-finals non-pressure. Just the way to wrap things up for the week!