The power of friendship.

Today I learned of a friend's passing and again I feel the pain of loss with a certain sting. I would not say I was as good a friend to him as I could have been but I did feel the bond of brotherhood as someone who shared many personal moments with him, helping him with his emotional challenges from time to time, and sharing the friendly jab at my unattached relationship status. He was more perceptive and wise than most understood and definitely sought to do good to those around him with a pure motivation and purpose. He was quick to smile and unafraid to laugh heartily. He was an example of persistence and a true disciple of that which he believed in. And, despite the cliche nature of this statement, the world has lost a great person... and I don't mean just my world.

You can never be compared to a kiss from a rose on the grey... you are so much more than that.

Rest in peace, brother.
Rex Willis Christofferson
April 15, 1991- January 20, 2018

Doing the work that isn't work.

I love what I do which can get me in trouble from time to time. Not "trouble" in the normal way of thinking about it... more like "trouble" in the way that just isn't necessarily beneficial to me. The experience of doing it sometimes feels like payment enough even though I should get paid for my time. It's a tricky thing for sure. I guess the love of what I do is definitely not a bad thing despite all that. I just know I should be a bit more aware of being taken advantage of when it happens.

Turnabout?

I can't claim to even feel like I understand what is happening with her but she seems oddly inviting to me whenever I ask to see what she's up to over the last few or so days. I don't know if she has sort of changed her mind about me or if she just feels relief about whether or not she's leading me on, knowing that I don't believe she was acting that way which now means she doesn't have to worry about leading me on anymore... which could just be me overthinking it... as usual. Anyway... it's nice to see her smile more and seem to feel more comfortable than before. I'll just be happy with the seeming changes and go with it for now. Maybe I'll even see if she's interested in chatting about it(which seems like a certain mistake) just to actually see if I have any clue about things at all. Ha.

Rolling right along.

I'm down to 20-something of my last days before my fortieth birthday. It's a little bit weird, strange-feeling, and a tiny bit sad all at the same time. I'm staying productive but I think I could stand to be a bit more focused. I am saddened by my lack of a significant relationship in my life despite my abundance of so many other good things... maybe because of said abundance. I don't get to share my life with the woman I will build my future with. It might be a little strange to be feeling the tick of time in this way since I expect to have so much life ahead of me... but I don't enjoy being solo guy nonetheless. Life is good, though. I shouldn't really complain. I should be honest and if I do complain that's fine, too. That's all just part of the emotional scenery, I suppose.

Better to have liked and lost.

I was thinking I was being wise by trying to avoid a situation where I might develop feelings for someone who has written off that possibility in return. I was being a wuss. Screw avoiding the pain. Sure it'll make me complain about things ever once in a while(like yesterday) but that's WAY better than the alternative... not feeling anything for anybody. What a waste of life that would be. What a waste of life that has been! Life is pain but life is also love and I am a far better lover than I am at being apathetic... which is actually just being pathetic. So, back in the ring I go. Bring your punches and pain and loss you punk! Mine is an ammunition of a different kind.

The ever elusive "connection."

Finding myself at the lame end of another female rejection(don't suppose there's any other end to that, actually) I am naturally somewhat frustrated with myself. She doesn't feel a connection with me which is certainly not anything to blame her for. It's just a frustrating thing because I don't know why I would feel a connection with her... doesn't a connection imply both sides being involved? What the hell am I connecting to if she isn't connecting back? I don't get it. I don't really even have a good guess at the moment. I guess I'm just venting. I'm glad my feelings had not gotten too entrenched and this is more of a personal annoyance with how feeble I feel because of this sort of misunderstanding on my part. I feel extremely(maybe too much) confident in pretty much every other area of life... and this one just breaks me down. I don't mind being humbled by life's challenges in general... I can pull myself through just about anything... but having had essentially zero success in this area of life has only taught me how futile it is for me to even try. But still I do. The the wall I have been endlessly banging my head into doesn't seem to show a scratch but maybe my head is tougher for having done it. Maybe that's how it all starts? I just need a sufficiently damaged skull(metaphorically speaking, of course) to somehow attract the right woman. At this rate I'll be 80 before I figure anything out... if I figure anything out. Yay for ridiculous patience! Boo for being such a picky idiot!

2017 - A Year in Review - The Year of Mom's Passing

This year has been slightly more roller-coastery than most. The highs were reasonably high, reaching greater achievements in my career than ever before, but the lows were as low as they have ever been for me which is nothing of small remark. The year could be called a "bad" year when considering the loss I have experienced... and I wouldn't blame anybody for giving it that sort of label. However, I will call it a year of learning about life and death... the year that changed my life in so many ways. Whether it is a "good" or a "bad" year might only be determined by what comes next. What will I become because of it? What will I become in the wake of this year's challenges?

The early months of the year started strong. I helped kick off the production of a podcast as well as starting work on the production of a low budget feature film which basically absorbed a full month of my time by itself. I was also called in to help with a couple pilots for Screaming Flea which was very rewarding and challenging and fun. Between work I was doing for SFCM(Screaming Flea Creative Media) and all the other projects I was involved with I only took one or two days off until sometime in the middle of the year... which was when life started taking a turn for the unexpected.

In late July/early August my business as well as the company I worked for both essentially disappeared from my life. Both of them were complicated situations that I am still not entirely sure what to do about. It was also at this time that I dove into the VFX and color work for the final push on the feature I had helped shoot earlier in the year. We were trying to meet a basically impossible deadline so I went into the editing "cave" at the directors house to crank on it for basically all of my waking hours, every day of the week until it was complete. I enjoyed taking a couple days to join the family reunion out on the peninsula but did not enjoy the beginning of the end for my sweet mother as she suffered a heart attack the night I left to get back to work. I went to the hospital to be supportive for a day or two but as soon as it was deemed she would likely survive I delved back into the "cave" to press onward with my work. It was incredibly trying at times but, after countless hours and revisions and fine-tuning, we finally completed the work in late October. During this time Mom had to head back to the hospital to deal with complications, head to a care facility when she showed improvement, then head back to the hospital where her body's complex array of issues eventually overcame her and she passed away from this life onto the next. I have never experienced such pain... something that lingers and resurfaces from time to time still... and might never disappear completely.

I needed a break... from work... from the pain... from thinking... from life. I didn't want to run away from the trials emotionally but I didn't really know how to deal with them, either. We convinced Pops to go stay with my sister and her family from Thanksgiving through Christmas so I took that as an opportunity to get away and drove him down there. I got to visit a bunch of great friends and relax and shoot a bunch of scenic footage and just be a normal person again. I visited Utah and briefly visited my old stomping ground in Northern California before coming back to Washington. I had some work I needed to get back for then I headed back to Utah for Christmas and to pick Pops back up. It was a great way to wrap up the year. The incredible level of peace and calm and quiet and solitude and nature were absolutely healing to my soul.

Now... I am back at home... home with Pops and my oldest brother. We are good for him as he needs the companionship. I haven't been working much yet but I will find plenty to do soon enough. This year has so much potential on the horizon and I intend to make the best of every opportunity. I started writing this entry days ago and, as one might expect, I had some trouble getting through the recounting of my mom's challenges. I intend to be more regular in my writing habits here again, though, and this is where I kick things off. Better late than never... and, as exemplified and stated so simply by my mother before her passing, "love is the answer."

Rest in peace, Mom. 2018 already misses you... almost as much as I do.