It feels like time...

Current mood: mellow

What does that even mean, anyway? Ahhh... but I have a thought.

Every now and then I get an almost tangible sense of time. Tangible in a way that is mostly a sort of physical feeling in my head. A sort of light-headed dizziness or something... it is difficult to describe. It is something real, though, and compelled me to enter this creative outlet rather comfortably. It is a nice feeling. The feeling can be compared to the feeling you get when you have just undertaken a task or activity which was planned out in some way sometime prior. It is a feeling coupled with the sense of purpose or accomplishment in such an endeavor. I think it is strange that I would have this time-oriented feeling, amongst my typically dominant feelings of time-constraint, since it is a feeling of ease. Maybe there is something deeper encompassing this concept which I am not currently seeing in correct perspective.

These last few weeks have been quite colorful, filled with a high density of timing issues to be solved, and little area for relief to fall back on. If you know me at all you know that I failed in many, many of my attempts to wrangle this scheduling beast. But you would also know that I tried very hard and actually did succeed on some of the more important break-points. I am sure the latter is less visible to anybody but me but I guess that is my nature. I am quite internally oriented in my goals for progression. Anyway, things are nonetheless quite good in life right now. For that I am extremely grateful.

I am making progress... in an almost tangible way.

Table tennis is a very challenging sport... I love a good challenge!

Today I played in a table tennis tournament hosted by the Sacramento Table Tennis Club in Rosemont High School somewhere in east Sacramento. I played in three different divisions, the earliest starting at 11:15am, the latest starting at 4:30pm. Even though the actual playing of the sport is the most exhausting aspect of it, I can not emphasize the truly harsh nature of the secondary role as table tennis spectator.

I literally watched thousands of points played today. Of those thousands, I intently focused on a high percentage of them. I am not a scientist by profession but I have to think that the excessive, nearly continuous engagement of my mind and visual sense for such a long period of time is a highly fatiguing situation. Combine that with my poor seating posture on a gym bleacher, lack of regular food consumption, little personal interaction with others, and little change in activity other than the three events I played in personally. To add another aspect to this, in all of the six matches I played I only won one of them... in other words, I also added the stress of personal dissatisfaction to this insidious array of stressors. Now I know I have not painted any of the positive aspects relative to this experience, I hold those in reserve for another time, but does this sound as difficult as one would think it would be? Does it sound confusing as to why I would even want to participate in such a thing?

So I had a somewhat new thought sometime today. I am not too sure why I ran down this line of thinking given the environment I was in at the time but I can see it's relevance.

There is sensory perception of things in a realistic, consistent, physical order. My thought today had to do with what people do with those perceptions. It goes something like this: "People hear and see only what they want to hear and see... What people hear and see is typically skewed by their internal, or intellectual, interpretations." This concept applies quite universally. I, for obvious reasons, saw much application in the context of table tennis. I know, however, after thinking about it for a moment I see how it aptly applies to many more ideas. If I was not so tired right now I might go into further depth on this topic. I find the topic of perception quite rich.

My apologies for the sudden exit... my eyelids seem to be taking turns in the off position.

I was told I look "Bohemian" today...

Current mood: relaxed

I guess I have to look like something.

I have had some conversations on the topic of stereotypes with several various people throughout the years. I am not particularly focused on the subject but the dynamics and social implications are fascinating to me. Because I do not, atleast concsiously, try to follow any particular trend, group, political party, fashion motif, media puppet, or otherwise group-classified style of living, it leads me to question where I fall in to the social scheme of things. Most people I know and have ever met somehow fall into a fairly identifiable stereotype of a sort, usually many different ones, and even though I know I must fall into some stereotypes myself, I do not readily see what they are. More than that, I am highly interested in what stereotypes other people see me falling into. How am I socially perceived? Part of the difficulty in thoroughly exploring this topic comes from my, and I am sure many others', misunderstanding of what a stereotype is, as well as how it relates to various important social dynamics and what those dynamics are. On top of that there are many different aspects of stereotypology (I just made that up... it might actually be a word... I mean in the world outside of my own head) such as the visual, habitual, linguistic, economic, social, gender, economic, religious, psychological, and I am sure many more I can not think of at this time, which can all variously be associated with any given stereotype to whatever degree. Just looking at the possibilities can be somewhat mind-numbing. Does this seem too complicated for something so seemingly trivial? What is "Bohemian" anyway?

I have to say... Self-identification is a crucially important quest for a person's ability to gain self-control. Internal self-control creates external self-success.

The summer is hot... it puts me to sleep sometimes.

Current mood: good

I guess wearing a lot of clothes makes the temperature go up. I slept little last night to account for a great deal of my drowsiness... but hey... the heat is a factor. The afternoon is often a time of excessive relaxation. So how did I end up here?

I face a time in my life not too unlike many other I have faced. This is in the respect that I have come to a realization that I need to make some sort of major change in my life. I need to re-prioritize. Mostly it is a matter of finance but there are other important aspects which need adjustment. I have been indecisive and unmotivated get anything started for far too long. What a terrible track record. Maybe something will change soon.

So today begins a new week. What is new? Certainly I feel differently now than I have before about the near futures possibilities, but this type of feeling is not something new. The general optimism is almost the same, in fact, and I wonder why that has not produced the expected results in the past. It is not entirely unfounded optimism, based on where I now stand in life, but it does sometimes seem a bit... off. Anyway... I still call it new. I am going to do and learn things this week which I have not before done or

learned. I am going to meet people unlike any I have ever met. I will create something I have never before conceived of... artistically, habitually, socially. And even if the differences in all these ways are not very drastic they are real, and important, and influential to the rest of my future. It all starts with the small things we are comprised of anyway.

The weather is cooling off quite nicely.

I hide much... I have hidden much... I will hide much

Current mood: numb

I never want to become some sort of mysterious figure, I am far more apt to place my heart on the table than stuff it in a box, so I do not make any of the following statements with any intent to confuse, arouse suspicion, or mislead one's perception. As is usually the case, I write for relief. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders.

My life is not simple. I want it to be. I have a terrible knack for seeing potential, for seeing possibilities, and for filtering much of my vision with a density of positivity and optimism. This works as a two-edged sword, if you would forgive the inadequate expression, because it helps me find the positivity in all things and others around me, at the same time condemning my own lack of follow-through. Self-criticism is important but, as with all things, it must be exercised in temperament. How does one achieve such balance?

Any real change I want to make in myself starts with a change in my desires. I have to seek after something different than what I already have. I want to become a reasonable writer, I want to have an income controlled by my skills and motivation, I want to create a much higher standard of self-control. All steps in the right direction must be small, however, as large steps are harder to reach and always land on shakier footing. This is a concept I could delve into for extended amounts of time but this will suffice. I am tired.

Tomorrow I will be relaxing, stressing, eating, calling people, doing chores, hounding myself, playing games, changing. It will be the only day in existence for me quite like it. It is something special and should never be taken for granted. I will probably do that too.

I write sort of cryptically...

Current mood: contemplative

Or so I have heard it said. Maybe cryptically is not a very accurate description. I am not sure how to put the sentiment I received into words more specific to the message. This particular incarnation of my thoughts is brought about by my recent frustration with the communication breakdowns which seem to frequently occur with me, and my minor epiphany related to said occurrences.

Let me first start a little in front of my point.

I am as direct and honest a person as I can be. I try not to use deceit of any type. I know I am not fully aware of myself, and do not claim how I am sending messages to be anywhere near perfect, but I do try. Cutting out sarcasm is one of my primary goals in communication. Sarcasm - is never direct, usually makes light of something potentially serious, is always misleading to those who are not well-associated with the user of it, takes little commitment and less responsibility, is sometimes used to belittle others often without the victim realizing it, is often a cowardly form of communication, is used to establish false superiority, intellectually or otherwise. The list goes on and on. It is no wonder I am so opposed to this. My recent epiphany is somewhat related to this.

In communication there are always two parties. The party sending the message and the party receiving it. The responsibility for correct communication falls on both parties equally. The short explanation for this concept is simply that, the sender is responsible for what is expressed because it is that persons initiative to send the message, the receiver is responsible for validating the reception of it because of that persons initiative to receive the message. There is certainly much more which could be explored in both short answers, but that would, at this time, distract from the current message I am trying to convey.

I will paint the statement relative to my epiphany in a fairly simple equation. I send messages which are direct = I expect to receive messages which are direct. I know that not every person holds my standards of communication, idealism, and morality. I know that some people do not care to be understood. Naturally there are many factors which frustrate my comfort with this equation. I do not disregard those with a different view on this topic, I simply do not adhere to those views. I can not, in this context, live or conform to other peoples rules or lack thereof. If they want to make a statement, lacking the inclination to communicate efficiently, they have to live with the consequences of the potential confusion created by their poor choices of communication. I have to live with the consequences of the potential confusion created by my misunderstood choices of my communication. If somebody makes a statement to me, regardless of the way they have chosen to communicate in the past, I will, more often than not, take it as a direct statement. This means I try not to add or subtract anything from their statement. Anything implied, intentional or not, will be left out of my interpretation. I try to communicate using direct statements with any implications and I expect the same. As stated before I want to be direct, honest, and avoid all possible deceit.

I think I have given reasonably sufficient backbone to my line of thought on this subject. Obviously there is much more which could be discussed on this topic, it is a vast, complex area of concept and application. This, however, is where I must currently lay this topic to rest. I need to be off doing other things right now anyway.

Is it comedy?

Am I a "Blogger"?

This is the type of place I would be more inclined to place my emotional baggage... I think that is what I will do here. Sure I might include a few notes of the mundane and even a little less than standard. I like to write... I have a thing for the English language. I have a thing for communication. I must admit I like the sound of my own voice, written down included. Thus begins the end? Thus ends the beginning.