Nothing like a little winter cleaning.

Current mood: satisfied

This is a somewhat unusual occasion for me. To decide I am going to do some cleaning and actually get most of it done. This typically does not happen because I am so easily distracted by the smallest things. Plus... I often make my plans in the wrong way to begin with.

I have been pondering the concept of decision versus the concept of desire for the last couple of days. It is almost always the case that my desire is fairly high to do just about anything which needs doing. The concept of decision is the necessary component added to desire which makes anything happen. That is the fairly simple explanation of it. And my simple fault with the whole process is that I usually assume that I will be naturally compelled to do that which I desire. It is true that it will, and does, happen that way every once in a while but only usually because of outside influences. So where was the decision made? When I decided to allow something else make up my mind for me... which is an extremely easy thing for me to do since I actually enjoy serving others. This is, however, detrimental to my personal progression when my outside influences are not in line with my own personal goals, which invariably they tend not to be. Plus it is somewhat weak-willed if I am putting my decision making into the hands of anything other than myself. Non of this precludes the need for good influence, nor does it discount the need for guidance, both of which are vitally important.

So I desire to do good things. I decide to do specific things among the multitude of choices in order to create a positive path reflecting my desire. I make adjustments to both my desire and decisions, based on the experience gained of good and bad judgement relating to both, and the guidance and positive influence of things aligned with my goals. Ultimately I must continue to make decisions, though, because they are crucially integrated into the whole process. I mostly say this for me. I need to remind myself of this more often. It is not, nor was it ever intended to be, an easy thing. How awesome is that?!

I am grateful I get to do some of the things I plan to do every once in a while. Sorry again... I did not set up my recording stuff. I will do it next time... You'll see.

Ludichristmas

Current mood: full

I must first apologize for not making time to record this one as I had intended but it has been a long day... maybe next time.

It is sometimes the pure, honorable intentions which drive a person to feed the mass consumerism grip of the traditional societal path at this time of year. Those people are brave, sometimes heroic, pillars of strength exemplifying the nobler intentions of this typically mis-figured holiday. I am greatful for those people. I am somewhat distressed by the other side of the equation.

I think a lot of it is a sort of mutated emotional frenzy. A bunch of loose triggers and randomly moving targets with some fairly potent ammunition in the chamber. If you work in, or relative to, the retail field you probably have a good idea what these concepts are in the empathetic, personal sense. I have been in the thick of this many holiday seasons and still do not really understand it completely. I doubt I even have the capacity to understand it as I am not much of a consumer... but here I sit in my ranting fashion typing away my unappealing complaints to a friendly, obscure crowd.

It is probably apparent but I think it should be stated anyway - I enjoy getting my thoughts out in this way. Written expression is a very different, vitally important method of relief for me. I have so much going on in my head, that I often wish I could display, that a lot of good ideas are already being wasted by my naturally flawed memory retention. The decay of good ideas does not appeal to me. So here it is. Here is the current, barely adequate, fill of the internal workings of my brain.

What is it that compels me to create? I realized at a somewhat young age that I don't like to read... most things. It is rare that I feel the need to input any particular type of information through the medium of reading as far as books and stories, the more common forms of information. It probably sounds strange but I don't believe I have completed reading even more than 20 books in my entire life. I have an idea why. I think it has to do with my more natural inclination to create. Now I can not say that I have written more books than I have read... nothing that specific. But taking all of my particular creative endeavors into account I would have to say that I have definitely spent much more time creating things than merely taking them in. I am a visual artist, a musical artist, some form of a writer, a non-specific craft builder, a relationship builder, a verbal communicator. I really enjoy all of it. What does any of this mean? I do not have a simple explainable thought to answer that question. What does it mean to you? Do you have a similar personal feeling about yourself?

So I hope that non of this is taken as a knock at Christmas. I understand the human nature of the holiday brawl I have been a witness to lately. It is sort of a big unseen pressure point on society in general. I have marked my interest in such things before.

I am quite enjoying the relaxation of imminent peace for the next two days, my typical days off, and upcoming weeks as my work will be tapering down to a near halt. Post-holiday anti-consumerism is a welcome relief to the mind, even at the danger of the stability of my pocketbook.

To all, I hope the best holiday conceivable. To each, I expect the pleasant self-satisfaction attained of their individual giving efforts to be inspirational and uplifting. To the down-trodden, I have been in the thick of it and have come out of it a stronger person and I share the knowledge that I know you will too. I am so grateful to know of my Savior's love for me, a horribly flawed individual, as well as the entire human family. This is what I celebrate. This is my joy.

Learning to communicate - Part 1

I think the "part 1" of any multi-part message usually contains the "thesis statement" of said message. I think I am about to really miss the point on that one because this is shooting from the hip tonight. Just a warning.

So I have been trying to figure out how to write in a more accesible manner... or write in a way that accurately reflects the message I am trying to convey, yet still be understandable to the casual observer. A big problem I face in this regard is that the way I communicate verbally and the way I communicate in writing is quite different. When comparing the two I appear, to some, like two separate people almost entirely. I do understand the disparity is quite confusing, and in all reality would prefer there be as little difference as possible, but am seemingly unable to close the gap between the way I write and the way I talk. Fun times.

Anyway this whole thing is sort of a self-analytical personal exploration of the way I communicate in general. I think I will probably come back to this specific topic with a generally regular frequency since I am sort of "obsessed" with improving my communication skills and find myself thinking about ways to improve it often. This particular post is sort of intended to just get the ball rolling on my part. I plan to try

something different next time, which should prove to be very interesting in practice, by actually recording a narrative in a sort of impromptu fashion as I try to convey whatever message I am intending to post here. I may even post up an .mp3 link for it or something.

On to other things...

Today is the first anniversary of a good friends passing and I thought I would post a small memorial comment or two... or three.

My friend meant more to me than she ever realized and always made me feel like I meant more to her than I could ever understand. This is not one of those gimmicky, poem-type statements but a statement of truth. When the news of my friend's passing entered my consciousness I almost immediately felt emotionally broken for reasons I did not, at the time, understand. As things started to settle, in my mind and heart, I realized that part of my sorrow was expressed in the selfish need for the pure love so richly offered by my friend, which I often took for granted. She was truly a one-way street of real, sincere affection, always offering and never taking. It was a sometimes a frustrating battle in our relationship, as I often tried to drive the wrong way down that street, but never a battle fought there without both sides victorious. Even I think that last statement sounds cheesy but I know she would not have it any other way. She always enjoyed the pure, natural honesty of people regardless of its form.

So much has happened this short year in passing. My life has taken many unusual turns which I would never have expected, sitting back in that bygone perspective. I have thought about her many times between then and now, usually with fondness deserved and cherished. I am not one prone to live in the past, but I am one who never wants to forget it. So I think I have grown quite a bit in many positive ways... and I think she would be happy for me on a few of those marks. And when will all of this sentimentality change? I do not care really. Perhaps I will feel compelled next year to run through this again. Maybe at that time I will feel something totally different.

So here's to her! Cheers! My good friend. One of the best friends I have had the pleasure to know, to share with, to serve with, to love. I am sure she would laugh at my strange attempt to build her this digital monument. This is just not her style. But I am compelled nonetheless and I am certainly glad for doing it.

Evelyn Josephine Cotton

July 24, 1972 - December 11, 2004

Piece be unto you, my friend.

Holiday mirth and joy all the rest!

A new definition, a new discovery.

Current mood: tired

Sometimes there are a few things I think I have a pretty good grasp on. I consider myself to be a fairly capable fellow in many respects. I think it is becoming clear to me how false that thought really is, though, and it seems to be a hard lesson to learn. I feel like I am repeating myself in this crazy little cycle of thought... maybe I am.

I have recently discovered a distinct lack of self-discipline in my life. Not in all things but very visibly, to me at least, in certain fundamental and key areas of my life. The way I handle certain things related to stress and anxiety, the way I format my daily schedule, the way I treat my diet and need for exercise, just to name a few. Most of this realization has come under the recognition of the difference between habits and discipline.

I am an exceptionally habitual person by nature. I have a wide variety of interests, generally positive in nature, which draw most of my time to whatever degree they demand individually. I do them mostly because I make some sort of strange decision that they have a highly imbalanced level of priority for my time. ie. Play as much ping pong as possible, read as much photography information as possible, and so on. Doing things in this way is usually nice for the rapid improvement of the given areas of interest. This is, however, ultimately bad for my need to have greater self-mastery and self-discipline due to my basic surrender to personal passions rather than the dedicated, self-aware direction imposed by careful planning in standard moderation. Habits might be a form of self-discipline but ultimately become a form of ease and relaxation as they constrict the practice of choosing something over ones desire... for good or bad.

What a load of garbage! This all makes sense in my mind but I am sure it is not worth the time of trying to ground applicable concepts out of my fragile, barely contiguous thought processes. I should not have sat down to my computer in this tired state. My mind is like a playground full of hundreds of bouncing balls, similar color and size, unendingly bouncing to and fro, surrounded by a small fence that all the little kids are peering over, waiting to grab their favorite ball that bounces too close for them to resist... those little thieves... I never said they could do that.

My triple-pillow bed configuration calls to me softly... I must not resist for to do so would be silly.

Words of the Wandering

reckoned by the parts inside

to the place prepared for me

often hollow, filled with pride

far and distant I will flee

purpose carefully composed

swinging hinges oft' distract

swaying underneath the blows

of a path unseen, intact

follow suit or redirect?

promises are not so telling

lingering on indirect

blinding river, raging, swelling

taken on the ride of training

to the place perceived undone

sense and freedom lost and waning

pulled aside as they have won

quick divergence quick repeated

non a stranger to this one

slow refocus claims the treated

polished placement stands alone

brought upright and re-created

i have wind to find a home

made anew and vindicated

support from the only One

peering through the cracks of sin

harvesting the treasures here

witness to the greatest win

triumph borne in simple fear

down the path is taken well

not the whimsy of a glance

whispers of the future swell

into songs of former chance

A brief disclaimer about me.

Current mood: mellow

I have heard it expressed that I am sort of a difficult to understand blogger. The question was posed to me recently: Is the way you talk or the way you write more how you actually think? Answer: I feel that the way I write more closely emulates the way I think. There are many emotions and thoughts I have which are very difficult or impossible to express through words, and certainly there are things I express better in my verbal/physical communication, but I think that the careful composition of any given written expression better illustrates my fuller, more direct thinking patterns. I know there is much related to this matter which I am not taking into account but this is sufficient for my current purposes of explanation and exposition. I think it is a good question. I am sure my blogging can be very misleading as to how I seem in regular life. I never want to be misleading.

If you have been a victim of my often confusing methods I do apologize. I try to do what is right... and only succeed once in a while.

What is a halloween?

Current mood: dorky

p.s. The DeBussy I am listening to is by Paul Crossley not Catherine Collard. The Paul Crossley version was not available to choose for some reason. Also, in this particular case, the "p" in "p.s." means pre instead of post. I apologize if this offends you... hey, at least I made the font smaller.

Again... what is a halloween?

I think it is something personal.

It is a specific segment of time which forces socially dependent people to make a choice... will I, or will I not?

It is something akin to a natural disaster... some people step up to the plate, some people send condolences, some people just do not care. I think it is somewhere in these concepts to which I am greatly attracted. I enjoy the defining moments in whatever form they appear. Those times when a real aspect of a person's character are displayed, whether in a visual way or something a little less obvious, my interest often burgeons to near capacity. I am, as is probably quite apparent, a highly visual person down to the very center... this, however, does not always preclude my ability to be sensitive in a variety of other fashions. What else can be seen in the opportunity (<this word is always a pain to spell, I need to make a mnemonic device for myself, suggestions would be nice) to make such an important decision? Do you also see the subtlety of the decisions involved in costume undertaking?

I was null of activity in this regard last year at this time. I have less of a purpose than I would typically feel this year, but enough of a purpose to have fun with it all. I will be watching to see who else, and how else, those around me act or react. I am sure this would be assumed but I think that by stating it I may have an effect on what actually does happen and I am curious to see what that will be, if anything. I like to be a social scientist. Is there a real-world term for that?

Sometimes I float with the environment of my recent history. Sometimes I fill purposes long before designed by my eternally scheming machinations... although not typically of an evil nature. Sometimes the whimsical and unpredictable are the first priorities in my execution. Sometimes, a bit frequently for my taste, I leave myself in a state of confusion far from the peace of consistency and order. But such is life!

I breathe in. I breathe out. Sometimes I hold it in... and do not notice until several seconds have passed. I love breathing. I am so grateful I get to do it thousands of times a day.