And so it begins...

Tomorrow I take my leave of this place and head to Washington for job training in an entirely new field of work for me. It is a bitter-sweet journey long overdue in the progress of my life path but promises to be an excellently positive step toward the future I have been planning for myself. And it should only take a month or so give or take.

It holds a lot of interesting, somewhat peculiar feelings to me as I contemplate this bold endeavor. There are the natural feelings of doubt and anticipation. Excitement, relief, and sadness are sort of lingering around in small portions at their various stages of manifestation and expression. Curiosity and optimistic positivity might be the prevalent feelings I experience, though, and for that I am quite thankful. This direction is certainly calculated to be a life-changing experience for the better.

So I will be back. I plan to continue, in a small degree at first, with my own graphics/media business. I plan to build it into something solid, stable, and self-supporting. It may take years to do but it will be far more possible now having the solid financial foundation of this new job underneath it. That alone is an exciting prospect.

While I am gone I can be contacted at my parents house number or through email. The phone number will be available on my phone message and I would always be happy to hear from you so don't be afraid to call. My parents are cool with it.

So enjoy the summer and I'll see you when I see you... a slightly older person than the last time I saw you.

General Life Update - Call it glu if you like.

Current mood: exhausted

It has been quite a span since I last made any comments here. I have had the inspiration from time to time but neglected to act on it for whatever reason. Sometimes I just let the cooler thoughts sit on the burner for too long.

I am finally settled in my new place. I have been here three, maybe four, weeks and it seems to be working out so far... even if a bit on the hot side during the recent sunny-day barrage... which isn't even that hot by typical Californian standards.

I finally started doing some regular, meaning multiple times a week, physical training of sorts. Running has been the main version lately, although I do other things for variation on occasion, and seems to do a lot for my general life optimism. It is a really excellent feeling... and it is attainable by anyone willing to make the time. So worth it. I could even say it has had a bit of a life-changing effect on me. Although I suspect there are many other factors in play on my behalf.

So I realized I am getting a bit old for some of the young person activities I used to enjoy so much. I did some wrestling yesterday and WOW am I paying for it today, and likely tomorrow. I enjoyed it while it was happening, and I did okay at it considering it has been years since I have really done that kind of vigorous physical activity, but think it would be wise to abstain from such activity without having properly trained my body for that kind of abuse beforehand. And I am not even old by general standards... I guess I am just reckless on occasion.

I think I will keep it short today... I actually want to be asleep very soon and I still have to write in my journal. Plus... I am not sure any of this holds the standard entertainment value I generally offer in this forum. Ha... Like that really matters. Am I competing with myself now?

June is only a moment away.

The maxim of change and unpredictability.

Current mood: optimistic

It is an ever-present, highly dominating feature of life for those who seek for something better. A splendid reality I am regularly thankful to indulge in.

Thirty days from today I will, by managerial dictate, reside in an entirely new environment. I will no longer hold the current position I do as an assisted living employee. There are associated details which are easy to discern as well but on the whole many of the details of this are exceptionally skewed and difficult to portend. It is fascinating to me.

What a fun position I am in! I am unexpectedly optimistic about the whole thing and I am not even really sure why. I can feel the reality of faith in action as it fuels my optimism. Maybe I really am more nomadic at heart than I realize.

Anyway... I thought I would share my excitement here even if only briefly as I should be heading to bed soon. I really have had a different cluster of thoughts to blog about lately, which hold a seemingly larger portion of my energy, but I think I will let it stew about a bit before spreading anything out on the table just yet. Maybe soon though....

Here's to blogging short once in a while! Here, here!

Turning Points and Pavement - Longest Blog Ever!

Current mood: contemplative

So I have a couple days worth of experiences to share. This is sort of out of my typical rendition in this medium but it does seem to follow the more recent trend. Plus it's fun when the time is available.

January 22, 2007: I awoke feeling fairly calm and relaxed. The burdens of the day were still a bit distant and movement came naturally instead of forced. It was nice. And unexpected, you see, for the very dream I was having during the sleeping hours preceding my morning tranquility was quite a different tone... and a VERY powerful, dark tone at that.

A brief summary of the dream: Someone was trying to kill me. I was able to take aways their weapon of choice, effectively stifling there ability to kill me, and in order to prevent further action I felt it best to attempt killing them instead. -- Side note -- I have never had a thought like this before in any dream or waking moment that I can remember. It really seemed like the best alternative to prevent this person from coming back to take my life later -- Anyway... The weapon of choice happened to be a hand-held electric drill. I am not sure how it happened but I started drilling holes in them in various spots of the main trunk of this person's body. I didn't want to outright end their life in some sort of extra painful way so I tentatively kept drilling until it seemed like enough that they would die from it... even if slowly. -- This is all very strange to me too -- Somehow the person wrested control of the drill and escaped my view. This is where the dream gets really tense. Somehow, and I am not sure if it came in a voice or what, I knew that the person was going to live, in spite of their recently accrued flesh wounds, and that they would GET me. I had the distinct feeling it would be very unpleasant and it caused me GREAT anxiety. In another somewhat "lucid" realization during the dream I also came to believe that the situation would not improve if I were to wake up and get out of the dream that way. It was an exceptionally bleak, powerful feeling of despair. I decided to continue life as normal regardless of all this, and even though I could not sense or see this villain in my pursuit, I knew it would not end until I was dead. And yet, when I woke that morning, I felt peaceful and normal, ready for the day ahead.

Now back to reality: I headed into work at an office I currently do work at and did my thing there until lunchtime. Nothing unusual or noteworthy there.

I went to the "Friends of Boyd Winnie Lunch" at Joe's Buffett a bit late. I had a delicious turkey sandwich and some delightful, entertaining conversation with the remaining folks from the crew that were able to make it there also. One highly, trustworthy and particularly knowledgeable friend gave me a brief interpretation of my dream stating that it there is a threat in my life. I am not sure what that threat might be, although I have some speculation I won't go into here, but I find the interpretation to be interesting. I don't really know if it means anything but weird stuff usually intrigues me.

I went back to the office briefly before starting my walk home for the day. I was walking about the time school must have recently let out as there were many junior high aged kids all over the place. My car is broken at the moment so I do a lot of walking and I see a lot of people. I make eye contact with a small percentage of those people, as most of them don't usually look at me when I look at them, and it is uncommon to make any kind of verbal exchange because of that. People are typically a bit too inward, afraid, or distracted to make connections with total strangers on the street. Anyway... I was quite delighted, as I walked, to have a young fellow, maybe 13 years old give or take, actually look up at me, give me a positive wave with his right hand, and a friendly "Hey" or something of the like. He was a fairly normal looking black kid fitting the visual mold for the area.

I was so taken aback by the exchange I almost went back to interview him as to his origin and nature. Who raised such a kid? It really felt out of the ordinary for many, many reasons. It made me feel pretty good that there are still people raising their kids in a positive way in my town. I don't usually see specific evidence contrary to that but there is a big difference between being a good person who has good intentions and being a good person who DOES the good things they are taught.

Dang this is turning into a novel! My apologies to those, like myself, with shorter attention spans when it comes to reading. I doubt I would actually get this far in reading this if I wasn't writing it. No joke. I am pretty sure I write more than I read in life in general.

So further along the trail toward home I made a stop at the DMV to attempt to take care of some really old business. I was delighted to see one of my ping-pong buddies in the waiting area and we chatted and actually enjoyed our normally dismal waste of time before our numbers were called. I got a phone call right when my number was called, I guess, so I confusedly went up to the desk I was assigned to in attempt to figure out what I should do now that I missed my number. The fellow behind the desk, realizing I made a simple mistake, graciously grabbed another number for me so I would not have to go wait in line again. -- My down-note of missing my called number was turned into an up-note of

that fellows kind gesture. -- My up-note was once again reversed once I finally got to my

intended business with the DMV. Holy down-note! I am still pretty miffed about the whole

thing. I won't go into any detail but dang the government is annoying sometimes!

I continued on my way home thinking it would be nice for a little pick-me-up. I stopped at Burger King to get a delicious, medium-size, strawberry shake. This was, however, a ill twist of fate as the shake machine there was currently non-operational. Ah! Two down-notes in a row! Crazy apples I say.

All of this led me to think I should blog about it yesterday but I had too much work to do once I finally got home. There is more to the day I could mention but I already did that in my journal last night. The rest of the night was all pretty good and fun anyway... other than one bite of my burger at J-Box that was strange and hard. But, whatever. Still a good night. Even if I stayed awake entirely too long.

January 23, 2007: I woke a bit undesirably... I did not want to get up that early. Important things called, though, beckoning my responsibility and self-motivation to become someone better than I currently am. I did my morning things and off to the office I went. It was really cold out.

I got to the office with a fresh package of Murrieta cookies to keep me peripherally busy as I did my self-assigned duties for the day. I learned an exceptionally useful, cool function I had formerly been unaware of in a program I use for my work. This made me VERY happy and further excites me about the future of my work and life in general. Pretty cool, eh? So, utilizing this newly found skill-in-utero, I practiced it on one of the projects for my client for the bulk of the time spent at the office before lunch. I think I made good progress on the skill although I am not entirely sure it will be very well utilized in the project at this juncture.

I unexpectedly went to lunch at the mall with a buddy. Unexpected since I was not planning to take a normal lunch break today. I really enjoyed the break though. I am not sure why I bothered even writing about it here.

On my walk home from work I headed to the mall. On the way I found a delightful little flower to take a picture of. It was looking healthy and fresh and I quite enjoyed how much it stood out of it's environment as one of the two or three flowers within the immediate vicinity. I thought I would like to print a few at the mall I liked it so much. I also wanted to test the print quality of the black border printing at the place I like to get my prints done.

I had a nice conversation with the people at the shop while I waited. They were able to get my prints done in a speedy 15 or so minutes and they turned out quite pleasingly good. I should have probably gotten more than five copies. I knew I would be giving them away.

I stopped in at Red Robin to say hi to my old buddies. It was so slow there were only a few people working but it was really nice to get the chance to chat with a couple of them in relative peace. They informed of the employee Christmas party that is to happen tonight and said I should come crash it. I just might if I get the chance.

I wandered over to Office Max to pick up my business card order and a spindle of CD's I needed. I was quite delighted to bump into an old friend who used to work at Red Robin, that I have not seen for about a year or more, and we got to catch up. I might be able to help her find a new job even as she is now looking for something different than Red Robin.

On my way home I made some important calls which I have been putting off without any good reason to do so. I also talked with my Dad for a while and helped him with some various things at home.

While I was walking through an intersection I was almost struck by a car moving about 20 miles an hour or so. The girl was, I assume, blinded by the sun and slid to a sudden stop only a foot or so away from me. I was basically right next to her driver side window when she finally stopped. Luckily I was slightly out of her path because she would have likely nailed me pretty good. I was on the phone with my Dad when it happened and strangely just waived to her and hollered not to worry. It was a pretty intense experience but my heart didn't even really speed up. I was calm and unafraid. It was weird. I just kept on talking to Dad almost like nothing happened.

The experience made me realize something, or perhaps added to something I have recently been pondering extensively, and I formalized it into a few thoughts as I proceeded on my way home.

I made a turning point in life yesterday when I decided not to procrastinate doing things I already know I should be doing. The direction I turned was, in my determination, the most correct direction I could turn as I turned my will and life toward God. I have never turned specifically away from Him but I have long been askew from the direction I already know is the right one. Something I realize is that I will be continually needing to turn myself toward him for the rest of this mortal probation. Even though I think I turned myself completely toward Him I will inevitably lose my focus, find newer perspective of truth, or in some other way lose my course and need to turn myself again... right away! The longer I wait to make the course correction I need to the further away I am from where I need to, and could, be. He has given us time to make these corrections but the devil can easily claim the time we don't make plans for.

So I have been at this lengthy message about an hour and a half. I doubt it really holds that much of substance for the greater portion of it's speculations and recollections. There is, however, excellent truth to behold if the eyes to see it are open. Not a statement of pride but a recognition of the blessings of truth in my life.

I pre-emptively give kudos to any who read everything leading up to this sentence! Well done.

Dream Log: 1-19-07

Current mood: hopeful

It was a very long, semi-epic dream.

Early in the dream it seamed to be set historically in the distant past of the Americas. Before any foreign influence had come to it's shores. This is not entirely correct, however, since it was not explicitly described as such. A feeling similar to that setting was presented in some way. I am not even sure how that is the case or if I am even describing it clearly enough to be understood by anybody but myself.

I was part of a semi-tribal society. I had a semi-dark skin and the overall appearance somewhat similar to a native american. I lived in a house which was quite anachronistically modern, as were all of the houses of my town, not far from a large river which ran against the base of a large cliff over hang. The cliff stood maybe 50 or so feet above the water and was not a sheer drop off but more of a steep incline of roughly 75° or so. Early in the dream I stood on top of the cliff looking out over the river, watching over my town on the opposite side. The day seemed like a late summer afternoon. The ground was mostly a dirt brown color with a bit of grass here and there. Sparsely scattered clusters of medium sized, Washington-style trees and foliage filled it all out.

While I stood on top of the cliff I became aware of a oncoming presense of unwanted foreigners approaching. I do not remember specifically seeing them as they approached but somehow knew they were coming and needed to warn my town. I went back over the river to my town and most, if not all, of the people there were in their houses and difficult to warn, so I think I shouted the warning as I ran back to my family's house. The architecture of the housing somewhat resembled the fictitious architecture found in the XBox game called The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind as did the general layout of the town as a whole. By this time it was getting quite dark out, and my family was sleeping or basically inert as I went into the house to get them so we could flee. It was quiet and dark as I quickly moved through the house starting from the lowest floor and working my way up to the top floor gathering my children.

As I got to the top floor some of the intruders had come to my front door and where about to come into my house. Strangely, it was all still quiet and dark so I directed my children and wife to secretly escape through a door in the back of the house while I dealt with the intruders at the front of the house. I gave them instructions to go to a specific safe place that I would meet up with them later at, and sent them on their way.

The intruders were all white-european with a somewhat viking look to them. They were sort of inept at chasing me. I can't recall exactly what I did with them other than knocking one of them down. I basically kept their attention for as long as I could so my family could distance themselves from danger. I somehow lured them around inside my house then secretly slipped out a different part of the house so I could also escape. Unfortunately I had not gotten very far before the intruders had realized I had left the house and

immediately resumed pursuit. It always seemed to be that there were always two of them throughout this whole dream even though there were conceptually many more that I was not dealing with directly.

They followed me to the other side of town where a pond-sized fountain of water was. I was too fast for them to catch on foot so they decided to go get into some motor vehicles in attempt to catch me. I was quite dismayed at the strangely anachronistic nature of having any kind of motor vehicle at that time and even made notice of it in my thinking during the dream. It seemed like a sort of "lucid dream"-type of thought to have... I remember thinking "those cars seem a little too advanced for this time period... I wonder where they got them?"

As they were speeding toward me I quickly ducked into a small corridor in between to houses at the last moment before they would have struck me with their vehicles. One was driving a car I can not picture at this time, and the other was driving a motorcycle. They spun around to try to continue their pursuit and this time as they where driving by I was able to knock the motorcycle one off his bike. I quickly commandeered the motorcycle for use in my attempted escape.

It was a small, red, mid-late eighties model Honda or the like. I started driving it around on the grass and was having difficulty getting any speed out of it. I felt like I was re-learning how to drive and was trying different techniques as I tried to build up speed to ditch the other guy in the car. I was driving around in between buildings and on the grass so the car could not directly follow me. I was still unable to really make any distance between us since he could drive the car around a building almost as fast as I could drive in-between them.

I eventually made it out to the edge of the town and started down the dirt road leading out of town. There came, from the direction I was headed, another one of the intruders driving another car slowly my direction. The guy in the car behind me was a reasonable distance behind me but was gaining ground since my motorcycle was still slower than his car. The end of my dream came after I had turned off the dirt road to avoid the oncoming intruder and started across a grassy area but I don't remember any of it being very significant or startling... I think I just woke up normally.

There was, as is almost always the case, more to the dream which I can not really recall any more but I think this encapsulates the bulk of it pretty well.

I initially felt like letting this dream go but decided to write it down somewhat spontaneously. Very little of it seems very important to me now, and really doesn't seem like it could even be important to me or anybody in the future, but I enjoyed writing it down non the less.

On a different note...

Life is pretty good. Things have sort of calmed down for me emotionally. I have started the process of learning to forgive myself for being an idiot. I say "started the process" because I can not say that I have actually gotten it figured out, but rather because I realize the need for it and even the comfort that comes by doing it, even for the little things.

I am sort of getting closer to my goal of better sleeping habits. I have cleaned up my bedroom enough to think it seems like a bedroom again... as opposed to a junk-explosion hole filled with the debris of my organizational ineptitude. My finances are sort of shaping up a bit, as my business is sort of falling into a better pattern of consistency. I am learning to find hope again... A key element to reclaiming peace. I am socializing more. Things are better.

I just realized that my list of positive changes is pretty big. And even though they are individually not very seemingly profound I think I should see it all as cause for celebration. Maybe I will throw myself a groovy party when no one is looking. Ya, that sounds like a great idea.

Anyway... this is becoming extraneously long. My bad.

I will likely continue my rambling in my talk during sacrament meeting at church tomorrow. I am expected to fill at least fifteen minutes give or take. Should be quite fun I think.

A thought and a lyric. Not something likely.

Current mood: calm

I am in the day. Sitting here in the home of my parents remembering the time, lingering on the simple, pleasant feelings of the past. I have a grand sense of family and self which I am not often privileged to enjoy as I generally reside far from any of the strong reminders found here. It is a fantastic blessing.

I have had a high number of powerful, personally relevant emotions and thoughts that I have not taken, or created, the opportunity to properly explore or express lately. I have instead turned inward. I have stifled them. I have withdrawn from my self-prescribed standard of truthful expression. I have twisted, bent and mutilated them as I have tried to eject the unfamiliar, unpleasant ones from me. This inappropriate form of rejection has corrupted them and further frustrated me as it is quite unhealthy and typically outside my personal intention. I am trying to change this.

So, in my muddled array of seemingly disconnected thoughts, I am still here. I am still the same changing, overly introspective, highly self-critical, fellow I have ever been. I am seemingly lodged in the middle of a transitionary moment of my life instruction. How well am I listening to what is being taught? I don't feel I am doing very well at all right now... maybe I am storing these experiences to be gleaned from in the future. Maybe to create a retrospective foundation needed for the particular trials found in that particular moment to come.

I have been feeling a bit of the emotion take the shape of a lyric or two so I thought I would go with it to see where I stand. It is sort of an exercise for me that I wish I would do more often.

I have a soul

it lingers in sorrow

Spoken like the doomsday prophets of tomorrow

Mine is a trial

In silence I bear it

The mask seen is comedy, the tragedy I wear it

Subdue the self

Seer darkness with light

Learning to strangle the pride beyond my might

Enduring pain

It swells and recedes

Waves roll,crash and break, repeating my misdeeds

Chorus:

Lift my eyes up

Push my hands out

Carry my burden with yours

Bring me the peace

Take off my chains

Clothing my soul with the stars

Perhaps this all sounds fairly depressing in light of the the current season. I do not want pity. I merely felt inclined to open up a piece of myself out of a feeling of obligation to my personal code of honesty. I do not think this justifies in any way any wrong doings I have done to anyone. This is my therapy. I do apologize if any of this offends.

On a side note: I am quite sad that James Brown is dead. I really am.

In conclusion... I hope you all had as splendid a Christmas day as I have had. Many have sent me well-wishes which I have not returned even though I am quite grateful for them. Thank you!

I hope the new year is every bit as good!

Wandering in the northern country...

Stir me up, me.

Current mood: indescribable

I am compelled by self-disgust to write this. Disgust and ugly are very similar words... I just noticed.

I have had a bevy of other, realistically much more important, thoughts bouncing around through my head for the last "x" number of days or weeks. But this one has the substance of emotion and preeminent

consciousness that is often lacking in what I often deem "more important" in my expressed writing exercises. This one if fueled by confusion. THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYBODY SPECIFIC

I am needing to express. I don't even know what I am expressing. I am sure it seems negative from the outside, I did start this whole thing with the concept of self-disgust, but I don't really feel it is a negative thing. I am a person just like the rest of you. I am unique just like the rest of you. I have a different perspective on things just like the rest of you. I am predictable and unpredictable just like the rest of you. I am one of you, you see, and that is the important part.

I share parts of me that you may not have considered... or even thought exist in me. I take the time to share because it fills a need I have that I can't exactly understand or explain. I want people to know me better. I don't want there to be any secrets. Secrets is an even uglier word to me than I care to express right now. Maybe I will blog about it sometime. I would use the word 'hate' before using the word 'secrets'.

I know part of why I want YOU to know me... why it is that I don't want there to be any secrets. I have this semi-abstract notion that the more YOU know me the easier it is for US to communicate. Like it somehow breathes life into understanding each other on higher, better levels. Like it can somehow put us past the level where I can still hurt YOU... like as if that level exists or something. I have ZERO desire to hurt people EVER... but I go about doing it because I, and WE, am flawed. What a bitter-sweet

learning experience.

This is not a self-pity rant. If you feel this is affecting your mood adversely I apologize! Know that I only want the best for you. And please think about that statement. 'You' does mean anybody taking the time to

read this. Plus I am in a much better mood than it may sound like. I am utilizing emotion right now. It is a crucial, purposeful experience I appreciate now and will appreciate even more so later.

Smile inside if you can't do it on the outside. Take the time to share yourself once in a while... it really is quite refreshing.

AGAIN... THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYBODY SPECIFIC AND SHOULD NOT BE PERCEIVED AS SUCH.

By the way... Self-disgust is a manifestation of my pride in this instance.