Dream Log: 11-21-07

Current mood: optimistic

There were a lot of events that happened which I can not recall before the main portion of the dream took place. I know that somehow I did something which got me sent to some sort of confinement which was not actually prison.

There were two or three friends sent there with me. As we walked around the installation we sort of toured it in an interested sense. It had a sort of theme park kind of feeling. At one point something out of my control happened(I kind of think it was like a lava eruption or some sort of unexpected explosion) and a wooden crate was destroyed. As a result I was somehow held responsible and sentenced to death since that was apparently one of the things I was warned about and told not to do... even though I had no control over it.

After I got back to my confinement area I started contemplating my life and impending death. They would be administering lethal injection within a days time. It made me put harsh review on the things of my life I regretted and feel a bit of sadness for the things I wish I had done but either had not the chance or passed up on the opportunity to do.

I imagined the needle going into my arm in the same way it did in real life a couple nights ago when I took the opportunity to give blood at a blood drive. I also tried to imagine my life ending and it made the sting of those things undone become very present and uncomfortable. I did not want to die yet. And for such a silly reason that I had no control over.

I thought about many of the positive things in life. I thought about my perspective of the gospel and returning to my Father in heaven. I thought about the way I lived life, trying to improve myself daily yet failing so often at my attempts... and still feeling okay because I DID try. I thought about repentance and the positive effects it has had in my life. I thought about the fact that I am a virgin... and was sad I was going to die that way. Ha.

I talked with the doctor guy who came to administer my doom, who was actually quite pleasant, and was able to barter for 20 extra minutes of life by donating two Transformer Action figures to a specific cause... I have no idea what that has to do with anything but it worked. The doctor guy kindly obliged and I went back to my confinement room and as I contemplated the inevitable I decided I wanted to fight it... I wanted to present evidence which would make them(whoever 'they' were) realize the ridiculousness of putting me to death for something out of my control(I am not sure why I did not decide this until my last

20 minutes of expected life)

I layed down on my bed thinking about my rebuttle and somehow fell asleep in my dream... this part is sketchy... I had the distinct thought that I escaped the whole scenario after falling asleep... then in real life I was awake, happy that I was not on death row anymore. I really felt quite relieved. Then I happily went back to sleep. Ha.

Anyway... even though there were lots of things that happened which I can not remember, the middle part of it all was very vivid and distinct in it's feeling. A dream which has at least left an impression on me. It does make me happier about life at the moment and much happier that I am not on death row.

Long overdue(not a library book)

Current mood: good

I had somewhat abandoned this method of expression due to an overly busy work pace and readjustment to a different life. My apologies for this most egregious lack of follow up. I have had many a good thought which needed to find words in this way on several unfulfilled occasions. I will try to do better.

This particular moment sees a semi-related follow up to my last blog's manifestation. Only in the respect that it actually has something to do with the concept of seeking for the significant other in one's life(refer to previous blog entry for clarity).

I have often thought about the way I present myself. The type of persona or presence I like to have. The aspects of ME, the whole and true me, that I am willing to share with others... especially in the pursuit of a relationship with somebody I might be interested in. And in this thinking I have really started to see many glaring issues with my current modus operandi. Look at me... ha... I am soon to be thirty years old. More correctly, (because the age itself has little actual meaning to my statement) I have been available for a relationship(not necessarily ready) for several years. I need to make some changes in my thinking or else I will never find what I am looking for. It obviously has not been working so far!

One of the glaring flaws I became very aware of is the fact that I have been intending to put a partial presentation of myself up for display in the attempt to attract the right kind of girl. Let me explain what I mean here. The 'partial presentation' is basically showing the essentials and that is about it. Essentials like my personality, looks(not exactly intended to attract), and visible important values. I had a somewhat of idealistic view of how a person attracted to me should be attracted to me... by limiting others perspective of me to the few traits that were either impossible to hide(looks) or were crucially integral to knowing a person in and out. The glaring flaw in this would be that I am presenting an incomplete(and therefore dishonest) view of who I am completely... my talents, full interests, my perspectives, etc... all important aspects of me that I somehow considered lesser. I think that this also acted as a bit of a defense mechanism for me but that is a topic for a different entry.

I think I had hoped to find the right girl searching for someone like me who did not need all the other bells and whistles. Ultimately that can still be the case even if I AM presenting my bells and whistles... I just held the fear that the bells and whistles were distracting from the important and foundational aspects and I do not want the important things to be overlooked. I consider myself to have a lot of 'bells and whistles' by the way... to a potentially overwhelming degree. I am not a flashy kind of person but I have an almost

extreme level of interest in more and different areas than I find other people to have. I believe my high level of interest has led me to a high level of skill in many of my interests and it would be easy for people to take me as a cocky or arrogant kind of person if I went around telling people what I can do well at. I know not everything needs to be addressed right away but at least now I think I should take a less evasive approach to the way I put myself out there. I am sure it will take practice to even change my behavior in this way to almost any degree... I have been working at the opposite for such a long time.

This leads me to a second realization I have had about this whole topic. Simply stated I must be harboring some degree of unnecessary fear when it comes to relationships in general. There is the general fear of rejection which many people have... a very normal thing which I strangely do not share very much of actually... the fear I speak of is something more indirect - a bit harder to detect. It would play out in my head something like this: I should ask so-and-so out on a date... BUT - I don't really see any interest on

her part - We are not very similar people in a lot of ways(ridiculous, by the way) - Even though I think she is nice, funny, pleasant to be around, etc... I should not ask a girl out just because I think she is really good looking(also ridiculous, she wants me to think she is really good looking anyway) - And there are a bevy of other excuses I can come up with as the situation dictates. I am really good at this lameness.

Anyway... It is FEAR which causes me to do this. I never realized it before because it always seems like good logic at the time. What it is effectively doing is cutting off the opportunity for me to be proven wrong on any of the assumptions I so easily and so quickly make thereby eliminating the possibility of going through a potentially bothersome or painful situation... also eliminating the possibility of going through a potentially FREAKIN' AWESOME situation. I just forget to see that second possibility usually. Man, I am a dummy. I really need to grow a pair(sorry for the crude terminology but I can't be easy

on myself here)!

So what does this change? Me, hopefully. Now that I can address it as a fear I can realize it is an obstacle I should overcome. It is strange how fears disguised as 'sound logic' can so easily be accepted as okay... or even good. Anyway there has been more about this subject floating around in my head but I have been at this entry a bit too long to really pull them back into consciousness at the moment. Plus I am sure this is as boring as heck for being so long anyway(believe me I am okay with that possibility - this really is more for my sanity anyway). I do hope something positive could be gleaned by any who read this though. A peripheral benefit to the public expression of positive ideas.

Halloweentime coming up!

Marriage anyone?

Current mood: exhausted

Something occurred to me an hour ago after a customer I was doing work for made a comment.

Joe: "Hey man, stick around and catch a movie with us."

Jim: "Right Joe, like he isn't already in trouble with his wife for being out working so late anyway!"

I did the semi-dishonest thing by not really responding with anything but a fairly ambiguous "Neh." as I looked off to the left, as if to be searching for the end of my job duties at the time. - The thing that occured to me when I left was that I am now old enough that people might assume I am married before assuming that I am not. It is kind of weird to me. I guess my concept of when people get married is somewhere behind the social curve. Something I had never before supposed to the be the case. Stupid media. I am sure it is at fault for this strange misconception.

I know I am far from the epitome of an ideal marriage timeline but I feel obliged to make one statement on the topic. Don't wait! Start looking now! Start trying to get married now! There are few(very few) exceptions in my mind. I know it may not appear like I am personally following this particular mindset but there is always more going on behind the curtain than readily perceivable. For what it's worth.

Hope y'all have a grand 'ol evening!

Congratulations Meg and Devin! Sorry I got stuck working all night... learning more about my social idiosyncrasies. I know this has to be the saddest wedding gift you could have possibly gotten. I'll come up with something better... in time.

And so it begins...

Tomorrow I take my leave of this place and head to Washington for job training in an entirely new field of work for me. It is a bitter-sweet journey long overdue in the progress of my life path but promises to be an excellently positive step toward the future I have been planning for myself. And it should only take a month or so give or take.

It holds a lot of interesting, somewhat peculiar feelings to me as I contemplate this bold endeavor. There are the natural feelings of doubt and anticipation. Excitement, relief, and sadness are sort of lingering around in small portions at their various stages of manifestation and expression. Curiosity and optimistic positivity might be the prevalent feelings I experience, though, and for that I am quite thankful. This direction is certainly calculated to be a life-changing experience for the better.

So I will be back. I plan to continue, in a small degree at first, with my own graphics/media business. I plan to build it into something solid, stable, and self-supporting. It may take years to do but it will be far more possible now having the solid financial foundation of this new job underneath it. That alone is an exciting prospect.

While I am gone I can be contacted at my parents house number or through email. The phone number will be available on my phone message and I would always be happy to hear from you so don't be afraid to call. My parents are cool with it.

So enjoy the summer and I'll see you when I see you... a slightly older person than the last time I saw you.

General Life Update - Call it glu if you like.

Current mood: exhausted

It has been quite a span since I last made any comments here. I have had the inspiration from time to time but neglected to act on it for whatever reason. Sometimes I just let the cooler thoughts sit on the burner for too long.

I am finally settled in my new place. I have been here three, maybe four, weeks and it seems to be working out so far... even if a bit on the hot side during the recent sunny-day barrage... which isn't even that hot by typical Californian standards.

I finally started doing some regular, meaning multiple times a week, physical training of sorts. Running has been the main version lately, although I do other things for variation on occasion, and seems to do a lot for my general life optimism. It is a really excellent feeling... and it is attainable by anyone willing to make the time. So worth it. I could even say it has had a bit of a life-changing effect on me. Although I suspect there are many other factors in play on my behalf.

So I realized I am getting a bit old for some of the young person activities I used to enjoy so much. I did some wrestling yesterday and WOW am I paying for it today, and likely tomorrow. I enjoyed it while it was happening, and I did okay at it considering it has been years since I have really done that kind of vigorous physical activity, but think it would be wise to abstain from such activity without having properly trained my body for that kind of abuse beforehand. And I am not even old by general standards... I guess I am just reckless on occasion.

I think I will keep it short today... I actually want to be asleep very soon and I still have to write in my journal. Plus... I am not sure any of this holds the standard entertainment value I generally offer in this forum. Ha... Like that really matters. Am I competing with myself now?

June is only a moment away.

The maxim of change and unpredictability.

Current mood: optimistic

It is an ever-present, highly dominating feature of life for those who seek for something better. A splendid reality I am regularly thankful to indulge in.

Thirty days from today I will, by managerial dictate, reside in an entirely new environment. I will no longer hold the current position I do as an assisted living employee. There are associated details which are easy to discern as well but on the whole many of the details of this are exceptionally skewed and difficult to portend. It is fascinating to me.

What a fun position I am in! I am unexpectedly optimistic about the whole thing and I am not even really sure why. I can feel the reality of faith in action as it fuels my optimism. Maybe I really am more nomadic at heart than I realize.

Anyway... I thought I would share my excitement here even if only briefly as I should be heading to bed soon. I really have had a different cluster of thoughts to blog about lately, which hold a seemingly larger portion of my energy, but I think I will let it stew about a bit before spreading anything out on the table just yet. Maybe soon though....

Here's to blogging short once in a while! Here, here!

Turning Points and Pavement - Longest Blog Ever!

Current mood: contemplative

So I have a couple days worth of experiences to share. This is sort of out of my typical rendition in this medium but it does seem to follow the more recent trend. Plus it's fun when the time is available.

January 22, 2007: I awoke feeling fairly calm and relaxed. The burdens of the day were still a bit distant and movement came naturally instead of forced. It was nice. And unexpected, you see, for the very dream I was having during the sleeping hours preceding my morning tranquility was quite a different tone... and a VERY powerful, dark tone at that.

A brief summary of the dream: Someone was trying to kill me. I was able to take aways their weapon of choice, effectively stifling there ability to kill me, and in order to prevent further action I felt it best to attempt killing them instead. -- Side note -- I have never had a thought like this before in any dream or waking moment that I can remember. It really seemed like the best alternative to prevent this person from coming back to take my life later -- Anyway... The weapon of choice happened to be a hand-held electric drill. I am not sure how it happened but I started drilling holes in them in various spots of the main trunk of this person's body. I didn't want to outright end their life in some sort of extra painful way so I tentatively kept drilling until it seemed like enough that they would die from it... even if slowly. -- This is all very strange to me too -- Somehow the person wrested control of the drill and escaped my view. This is where the dream gets really tense. Somehow, and I am not sure if it came in a voice or what, I knew that the person was going to live, in spite of their recently accrued flesh wounds, and that they would GET me. I had the distinct feeling it would be very unpleasant and it caused me GREAT anxiety. In another somewhat "lucid" realization during the dream I also came to believe that the situation would not improve if I were to wake up and get out of the dream that way. It was an exceptionally bleak, powerful feeling of despair. I decided to continue life as normal regardless of all this, and even though I could not sense or see this villain in my pursuit, I knew it would not end until I was dead. And yet, when I woke that morning, I felt peaceful and normal, ready for the day ahead.

Now back to reality: I headed into work at an office I currently do work at and did my thing there until lunchtime. Nothing unusual or noteworthy there.

I went to the "Friends of Boyd Winnie Lunch" at Joe's Buffett a bit late. I had a delicious turkey sandwich and some delightful, entertaining conversation with the remaining folks from the crew that were able to make it there also. One highly, trustworthy and particularly knowledgeable friend gave me a brief interpretation of my dream stating that it there is a threat in my life. I am not sure what that threat might be, although I have some speculation I won't go into here, but I find the interpretation to be interesting. I don't really know if it means anything but weird stuff usually intrigues me.

I went back to the office briefly before starting my walk home for the day. I was walking about the time school must have recently let out as there were many junior high aged kids all over the place. My car is broken at the moment so I do a lot of walking and I see a lot of people. I make eye contact with a small percentage of those people, as most of them don't usually look at me when I look at them, and it is uncommon to make any kind of verbal exchange because of that. People are typically a bit too inward, afraid, or distracted to make connections with total strangers on the street. Anyway... I was quite delighted, as I walked, to have a young fellow, maybe 13 years old give or take, actually look up at me, give me a positive wave with his right hand, and a friendly "Hey" or something of the like. He was a fairly normal looking black kid fitting the visual mold for the area.

I was so taken aback by the exchange I almost went back to interview him as to his origin and nature. Who raised such a kid? It really felt out of the ordinary for many, many reasons. It made me feel pretty good that there are still people raising their kids in a positive way in my town. I don't usually see specific evidence contrary to that but there is a big difference between being a good person who has good intentions and being a good person who DOES the good things they are taught.

Dang this is turning into a novel! My apologies to those, like myself, with shorter attention spans when it comes to reading. I doubt I would actually get this far in reading this if I wasn't writing it. No joke. I am pretty sure I write more than I read in life in general.

So further along the trail toward home I made a stop at the DMV to attempt to take care of some really old business. I was delighted to see one of my ping-pong buddies in the waiting area and we chatted and actually enjoyed our normally dismal waste of time before our numbers were called. I got a phone call right when my number was called, I guess, so I confusedly went up to the desk I was assigned to in attempt to figure out what I should do now that I missed my number. The fellow behind the desk, realizing I made a simple mistake, graciously grabbed another number for me so I would not have to go wait in line again. -- My down-note of missing my called number was turned into an up-note of

that fellows kind gesture. -- My up-note was once again reversed once I finally got to my

intended business with the DMV. Holy down-note! I am still pretty miffed about the whole

thing. I won't go into any detail but dang the government is annoying sometimes!

I continued on my way home thinking it would be nice for a little pick-me-up. I stopped at Burger King to get a delicious, medium-size, strawberry shake. This was, however, a ill twist of fate as the shake machine there was currently non-operational. Ah! Two down-notes in a row! Crazy apples I say.

All of this led me to think I should blog about it yesterday but I had too much work to do once I finally got home. There is more to the day I could mention but I already did that in my journal last night. The rest of the night was all pretty good and fun anyway... other than one bite of my burger at J-Box that was strange and hard. But, whatever. Still a good night. Even if I stayed awake entirely too long.

January 23, 2007: I woke a bit undesirably... I did not want to get up that early. Important things called, though, beckoning my responsibility and self-motivation to become someone better than I currently am. I did my morning things and off to the office I went. It was really cold out.

I got to the office with a fresh package of Murrieta cookies to keep me peripherally busy as I did my self-assigned duties for the day. I learned an exceptionally useful, cool function I had formerly been unaware of in a program I use for my work. This made me VERY happy and further excites me about the future of my work and life in general. Pretty cool, eh? So, utilizing this newly found skill-in-utero, I practiced it on one of the projects for my client for the bulk of the time spent at the office before lunch. I think I made good progress on the skill although I am not entirely sure it will be very well utilized in the project at this juncture.

I unexpectedly went to lunch at the mall with a buddy. Unexpected since I was not planning to take a normal lunch break today. I really enjoyed the break though. I am not sure why I bothered even writing about it here.

On my walk home from work I headed to the mall. On the way I found a delightful little flower to take a picture of. It was looking healthy and fresh and I quite enjoyed how much it stood out of it's environment as one of the two or three flowers within the immediate vicinity. I thought I would like to print a few at the mall I liked it so much. I also wanted to test the print quality of the black border printing at the place I like to get my prints done.

I had a nice conversation with the people at the shop while I waited. They were able to get my prints done in a speedy 15 or so minutes and they turned out quite pleasingly good. I should have probably gotten more than five copies. I knew I would be giving them away.

I stopped in at Red Robin to say hi to my old buddies. It was so slow there were only a few people working but it was really nice to get the chance to chat with a couple of them in relative peace. They informed of the employee Christmas party that is to happen tonight and said I should come crash it. I just might if I get the chance.

I wandered over to Office Max to pick up my business card order and a spindle of CD's I needed. I was quite delighted to bump into an old friend who used to work at Red Robin, that I have not seen for about a year or more, and we got to catch up. I might be able to help her find a new job even as she is now looking for something different than Red Robin.

On my way home I made some important calls which I have been putting off without any good reason to do so. I also talked with my Dad for a while and helped him with some various things at home.

While I was walking through an intersection I was almost struck by a car moving about 20 miles an hour or so. The girl was, I assume, blinded by the sun and slid to a sudden stop only a foot or so away from me. I was basically right next to her driver side window when she finally stopped. Luckily I was slightly out of her path because she would have likely nailed me pretty good. I was on the phone with my Dad when it happened and strangely just waived to her and hollered not to worry. It was a pretty intense experience but my heart didn't even really speed up. I was calm and unafraid. It was weird. I just kept on talking to Dad almost like nothing happened.

The experience made me realize something, or perhaps added to something I have recently been pondering extensively, and I formalized it into a few thoughts as I proceeded on my way home.

I made a turning point in life yesterday when I decided not to procrastinate doing things I already know I should be doing. The direction I turned was, in my determination, the most correct direction I could turn as I turned my will and life toward God. I have never turned specifically away from Him but I have long been askew from the direction I already know is the right one. Something I realize is that I will be continually needing to turn myself toward him for the rest of this mortal probation. Even though I think I turned myself completely toward Him I will inevitably lose my focus, find newer perspective of truth, or in some other way lose my course and need to turn myself again... right away! The longer I wait to make the course correction I need to the further away I am from where I need to, and could, be. He has given us time to make these corrections but the devil can easily claim the time we don't make plans for.

So I have been at this lengthy message about an hour and a half. I doubt it really holds that much of substance for the greater portion of it's speculations and recollections. There is, however, excellent truth to behold if the eyes to see it are open. Not a statement of pride but a recognition of the blessings of truth in my life.

I pre-emptively give kudos to any who read everything leading up to this sentence! Well done.