Yule notice that I tend to write a lot from time to time.

Current mood: jolly

It has been a nice, lazy Christmas day indeed. I slept in a decent amount of time... I had a nice ripe dream falling out of unconsciousness into the waking smells of bacon and eggs... it was a nice transition indeed. The nice, Christmasy kind of transition that might even be worthy of a ribbon or a medal... in a strange, wake-up-out-of-a-nice-dream-togo-eat-delicious-breakfast kind of competition. I think this all sounds stupendously silly... but so what, it's Christmas! Yeah!

Anyway... I wrote a holiday letter this year, similar to my personal tradition which I started last year, and I thought I would share it here in my blog again. It includes more of my years overview than it did last time so I hope it helps to keep y'all a little more informed on my happenings and such if you happen to be interested. It has been an excellent year indeed so I hope it isn't too long or anything.

Holiday greetings,

This might get to people after Christmas but I've decided that's okay since the information isn't going to change much in the couple of days difference anyway. If this offends you please stop reading now... pick up your phone, and give me a call... I'll do what I can to ease the overdue holiday disappointment you must be feeling. Or I'll send you a cookie. A cookie that my mom made. It'll be delicious. Never mind that... I'll just eat the cookie. This is my Christmas letter to y'all for 2008. I've decided to combine a brief update of my year with my current thoughts of my testimony. I hope it's not too boring or strange! (since we all know how strangely boring I can be... ha.)

The year began with a couple trips to California and a pulled hamstring from playing basketball thinking I was about ten years younger and in the best shape of my life(a very flawed thought indeed.) All a bunch of fun in retrospect since trips, and physically painful experiences, often are. I had a decent amount of graphics work to keep me relatively busy so things seemed to be rolling along nicely, other than the hamstring thing... a ding ding... chicken wing... ha.

My work with Dish Network, as well as the needs of my main graphics client at the time, unexpectedly tapered out and I was out of work for an annoyingly long time(maybe about a month) due to the confusion about what was happening to the work. I started working at Kits Cameras part time just to get something at all, luckily already knowing that I would like the work anyway, and have happily enjoyed my tenure there since March as a salesguy/picture printer. It really feels good to feel like I can help people with something I know pretty well and actually get paid to do it. It has been a great blessing in my life for sure! Plus, I get discounts.

In late February or so, under the suggestion of my brother I picked up an inexpensive digitizer pen tablet for my computer. It's like a pen that makes it so I can more naturally draw on the computer... and I love it! I have become inspired to work on my illustration again. It is not only therapeutic but I think it actually looks pretty decent. I never knew I could do what I have been doing with it. I might even get to be pretty good at it if I am able to stick with it.

The summer started off with a Regional Young Single Adult Conference which was a lot of fun for the whole gang. I made a cartoon for the film festival which did pretty well so that was a fun experience and a lot of hard work well worth the effort. Throw in a few or so weddings that I got to either video tape or photograph, with lots of social interaction among friends on the weekends in a fairly typical summer kind of way, and the start of a brand new branch that meets about two minutes from my house, and I would call it a good summer indeed.

The fall started off a bit rough and I was not able to get started at Tech School as planned but I'll hopefully get that going in the spring, so I guess patience was the key ingredient to consume around that time. I was called to be the first counselor in the Elder's Quorum presidency of the new branch and have found it to be a great complement to an already great church going experience there. We have AWESOME leadership and loads(miniloads?) of cool people in our little unit of 50 or so, give or take. My scripture study, prayer, and focus on the temple have continued to bless my life in immeasurable and totally appreciated ways throughout this year and has been only better enhanced as I have enjoyed the opportunities of service in this new branch. It has so much awesome potential!

I enjoyed getting into costume for Halloween as the Skele-Tin Man and had a lot of scratching heads around me as people tried to figure out who was actually behind the silver facepaint. Thanksgiving was good to spend with the family and it was actually a nice transition into the retail madness that takes over the holiday spirit shortly thereafter. It's a good thing I really enjoy my work. I haven't had a reason to complain about it yet. Just days ago, on December 10th, I was blessed to have the opportunity to receive my endowments and make the related covenants in the temple. It has been something I have sought after in my life for quite some time and found it to be a thoroughly enjoyable and enlightening experience. There is so much to be learned there! I look forward to a life of service there as I seek to follow my Savior's plan for me.

I know Jesus, the Christ lives. I know He loves me, and every other person who has ever lived. I know that He somehow performed the only possible act which enables mankind to return to live with Him and our Father in heaven, the atonement, which all may if they will, partake of in completeness and humility. I know that the words of the prophets found in scripture are the Lord's words to man outlining His plan for us, illuminating our spirits with the necessary truth to be able to return to Him as well as be happier people. I know that He teaches us through His prophets today, as well as in days past, and that through them He guides and directs the progress of His church on earth, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know that the gospel was restored by the Lord's guidance through the prophet Joseph Smith in these, the latter-days, and that it all was put into motion through an answer to his prayer as a young boy as he inquired about which of all the churches he was to join. I know that prayer is and essential and powerful element in one's life if it is consistently, humbly utilized in all things and that we will always receive answers to them. We can learn to better understand God's will for us, and those in our stewardship, if we will diligently act in faith on this principle. I know that faith is a real, and vital part of coming to know ALL truths of the gospel. I know that the trials we face are individually tailored to us for our benefit and improvement. I know that we can be blessed with actual hope if we pray for it even when we don't feel like we deserve it. I know that obedience to the commandments we have been given, as well as to the covenants we have made, always leads us to the greatest blessings available to us, and our power to further choose the positive consequences associated to any given commandment is increased. I know that Satan is real and truly, negatively effects our lives if we allow him to. He seeks our eternal destruction and tirelessly works to that end... he never gives up, which is why we too must never give up and endure to the end. I know that through the power of the atonement I will become a better servant, brother, son, friend, and future husband as I actively seek to apply it to all aspects of my life... that He will make me into something better than I could ever become through any other way... that I can one day return to live with Him. And I sincerely hope to see all of YOU there with me! YOU are the reason this earth was created by Him, therefore YOU are the reason I am here doing what I do. YOU need to know that! YOU are the greatest of all God's creations!

I thank you all for sharing your lives with me in whatever degree you have! You have helped me to become what I now am as the Lord has worked through you in so many ways. I know you all at many varying levels, from those I have recently met through to the family members who have known me longer than I have known myself, and you are all important to me. That is just the way God has designed this mortal existence to be and I thank you for joining me for the ride, from time to time. I love you all a great deal - truly one of the greatest blessings given me of the Lord - and hope for your greatest happiness and success in life. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all that you do and are!

This is merely a moment in time for us all. The Christmas holiday season of 2008. It will be gone in a blink if we don't take the time to think about what it really means to each of us individually. The focal point of it all, the reason we do what we do at this time of year, is a very personal, individual thing. May we all come to know Him better. May we have the courage and faith to commit, or recommit, ourselves to putting Him at the center of our lives. These things I leave with you, in the name of Him, my Savior Jesus Christ, amen.

I hope this Christmas has been an excellent one and that the new year to come treats you all kinds of good aplenty! Life is too good for just me to be having all the fun!

Dream Log: 12-3-08

I should have typed this out as soon as I woke up but I have other priorities which I am trying to adhere to with better consistency so this took the back seat this morning. Some of it kind of came back to me a moment ago so I thought I'd write it out since I think it's kind of amusing.

The whole dream took place outdoors, mostly in a generic forest sort of setting then at a lake surrounded by hills. The basic premise of the dream was that I was trying to escape from THE grim reaper... who was grim... and had a very strange way of reaping. He sort of had a personality. He would talk to me as well as somebody he was sort of working with(I have no recollection of any details about that person) as he was coming to get me in his strange getting fashion. I say strange because it was unclear how, or even what, he was actually going to do to me. Was he going to kill me? Was he going to just grab me and take me somewhere... wherever he delivers the dead or something? Was I actually going to die at all? It never seemed clear to me.

So I forgot to mention that I am the Hulk in this dream - that's a new one for me. I don't remember specifically being green or angry but I just know that I am the Hulk. I'm really big and tough. As I am running away from Death guy I come to the edge of the lake. There is someone there important to me. Like I either need to do my heroic responsibility and save him/her(unknown... I kind of think it was a fat guy I've never met before) or at least bring the person along as if they were particularly useful to me for some other reason.

So I tuck the person under one of my huge arms(I think I must be like 10ft tall or so) and jump over the water to get away from Death guy's new special attack he decided to use against me. It's this tiny little projectile that he seems to control through the air with his mind. I am afraid of it because I think it will kill me if it touches me - I guess that's what I thought that the attack was supposed to do.

It follows me as I am jumping away(Hulk jumps are really far... although mine aren't quite like the ones in the first Hulk movie with Erik Bana and Jennifer Connelly) the little projectile hits me in the right side sort of behind my ribs like a weird little kidney punch. It just pushes into me but doesn't seem to really be doing anything other than the discomfort of something pushing into you there... which is not bad, but definitely uncomfortable anyway. I also notice what the little object is as I am trying to grab and pull it off - It's a tiny, little, squishy human heart! Weird! Compared to my huge Hulk size it feels about as big as a small pear. I grab it with my hand and try to crush it but it's too squishy and really hard to move around since it still seems to be in Death guys mental control. So I just hold it for a little while and continue trying to jump away to safety.

That's all I really remember of the dream. Oh, there is somewhere in the dream a half-submerged Volkswagen Microbus... It was sort of a light blue/sky blue color with a white roof. I think I used it as a jumping off point in the middle of the lake but I don't really remember.

Anyway... I thought this dream was entertaining to reflect on. I hope it doesn't make me seem insane now. Ha.

The Perception of Responsibility - The Responsibility of Perception

I have made mention of this topic before but addressed it in a different way last time. I was more specific to address the aspect of perceived age last time but I think the aspect of responsibility is more directly relevant to both the situation I addressed then as well as the one I will mention today. In neither instance is there any particularly profound occurrence from which I have been inspired to write out these rambling thoughts, but I find the instances amusing anyway.

I was walking home from my morning errands today and remembered that a Ted Brown Music just opened up near my house so I thought "Cool... I should go check that place out on my way home... it's hardly out of the way." ... and thus it was. I have been wanting to learn how to play the cello for a while now and thought it might be good to check out rental prices and such. Man, cellos are cool! It will be great fun! So that was my mindset as I wandered into the store.

I was immediately greeted by a middle-aged gal who worked there with the typical "Thanks for stopping in, if you would like help with anything just let us know"-type of greeting. I glanced at a couple cello-like instruments as she was going through this canned, albeit personal, introduction and decided to chat with her before browsing around the store.

I started by asking her what the cost of renting a cello typically runs. She asked me what size cello and I responded that I didn't know that there were different sizes, that I was new to this kind of thing. She then asked about my child and school, or something along those lines, as if I could have a child which might be starting lessons or music class or something. And I realized that I must look, or act, like the parent of a child old enough to be starting music lessons. How weird is that? Probably not that weird really, but I am not used to being categorized as somebody in that way... not that I think it is a bad category to be in. I would rather like to think of myself as being in that category but I guess I feel that I have so many steps to take before getting there that I was somewhat taken aback by her apparent misperception.

Ultimately I realize I am always making changes in life as I strive to become something better than I was yesterday, yesterhour, yesterminute, and that my own self-perceptions don't always change to adapt accordingly. It's not an entirely bad thing but it can tend to leave me living in a past that no longer exists except in my head. So I think I need to start seeing myself in a more responsible, mature light since it is something I have been diligently working to change in my life for quite a while. All those motivational speaker types would be telling me to be projecting ahead(positive self-speak) anyway so I guess it is good advice for a reason.

So... if you happen to see any of my kids running around needing an instrument to start learning, just let me know. I know just where to go to get things started... even if I am not doing so well at getting the things started which lead to their existence. Ha.

Controlling the Ins and Outs

I have recently realized that there is a very critical component of life that is not very clearly defined for me. It probably never became defined because I did not pay it much heed when it was being presented me in it's many various forms. It is something that starts as a young child when your parents tell you to put your toys away or finish eating your dinner. It continues into the school years with the elements of homework, school athletics, or other extra curricular activities which involve some level of effort, some level of energy expense. And for some of us, those like myself which seemed oblivious to the importance of these learning periods, we are forced to learn many of these lessons in the golden era of decision making following the life of supported living as we move out of the nests of our rearing, spreading what little wings we have formed up to that point of progress. Certainly there is something there... The wings do exist in some shape and size... I did not completely crash into the ground below unprepared to meet it. But in some ways my poorly developed wings have not yet the strength to lift me up again until I build some significant strength and endurance. It is a matter of organization combined with focus.

Mere recognition of the facts does not necessarily define it. In this particular case I believe the actual implementation of controlled organization becomes its own definition. I think this is the case partly because it is something that, once realized, is specific to the way I see things, the way I experience organization, which is something unique to each person. We all have different forms of energy, forms of necessary input and output to organize and control.

I take a look at my computer desk for an example:

All around it lays the clutter of papers, cds, dvds, and various little trinkets and tools. Every single item holds some sort of significant meaning to me or I would have just thrown it away long ago. They all have varied importance and, regardless of how mundane or seemingly insignificant any one thing may seem, I still assign some sort of value to each greater than the equivalent of garbage sitting in a garbage can... which would at least be out of my way visually and physically.

If I had already implemented a system of organization to deal with every various item which exists on my cluttered, visually distressing desk area each piece would have been properly sorted, assigned it's necessary value, and placed accordingly wherever they would belong to that system. The dross would simply not have a place among the cream.

I need to create some stable, realistic form of organization for my life. I already have many working components which have brought me to where I already stand... I actually AM organized in many aspects of importance. It is the little things which need to be addressed and implemented. It almost seems painful.(sort of like this whole blog probably has been. Ha)

Well... My energy for this topic is running thin. I do have quite a few ideas still swirling around which I feel are quite relevant but I would rather let them stew a while to see if they can be transformed into the impetus which puts my desire in motion.

Plus... I'd rather be planning my Halloween costume... that seems WAY funner right now.

A Morning in Spanaway

He first noticed the bird, there among a flock of a different kind. Starkly contrasting his adopted brethren, his white-grey coat seemingly betraying the apparent feeling of comfortable inclusion among them. The memories of his truer family long forgotten, he sensed his future with unperturbed optimism. You see, he was one of them. A wandering, nomadic, hunter seeking for his next meal, the next repetitious, often cursory, ritual bent on survival... yet always the hope of something more lingers. He travels with this largely unguided crew of fellows, a light among the darks, sensing his hopes can become something more substantial than survival... Is it truly survival without hopes anyway?

Emotion vs Logic: Round 1

This is an incredibly complicated and very difficult-to-internalize area of thinking. I would attribute some of the challenge to the fact that I attempt to conceptualize this all in a basically logic-based type of thinking... which I guess tends to be a bias on the concept before trying to render it in any other fashion. Also, the medium of writing generally needs to be rendered in a logical fashion when it is utilized in this technical form of introspection anyway. Emotion is generally found floating in the artistic/poetic/real-time/less-controlled forms of writing anyway. Indeed, they both have their place.

So I have thought a lot about this subject lately and for the last couple months in general. Much of it has come as I have experienced unexpected, or simply powerful, emotional states from time to time. Some of these experiences have been born of trials and others have found life in the positive and peaceful times. All of this has been incredibly edifying and delightful to examine as I have found stability in the broader perspective I feel I have gained through it all.

In one of the more pronounced emotional moments of anxiety/distress/pain I was feeling incredibly emotionally influenced. I could feel the feeling pervading every part of my body but it seemed to be extending out from my core, reaching upward through my chest into the central parts of my shoulders and head. I disliked the feeling itself but more than that I disliked the other negative feelings it seemed to generate... or recruit. Little, generally benign, ideas of confusion or self-doubt began morphing into, and indeed becoming a part of, the greater initial emotion. Basic logical counterparts to all this confusion were quickly obscured and entrenched by the rapid change and confusion of the emotional landscape I was experiencing. Somehow the clear understanding of the fact that I still had a logical foothold on the whole thing was still available to access in my decision making processes about how to deal with it all. The unanswered question, however, was determining how I could make use of that still-useful, seemingly available foothold. I wanted to suppress the undesirable emotional melee through logical reasoning and pull myself out of that seemingly oppressive, even confining state of being.

I started out with the idea that if I were to recognize, or create, enough logical bridges surrounding the situation which initially caused this whole episode that the leverage necessary to bend my emotional state back into shape could be had. In a somewhat formulaic manner I saw it somewhat like this(I am by no means a mathematician/programmer by the way): If X(number of logical bridges) > Y(various selfdoubts/confusions multiplied by anxiety/distress/pain) is true then overall control of the being is directed by logical means. It made enough sense to me at the time but lacked an important component of the resolution process. Merely directing the being, while importantly addressed, was not the end product of the formula. What comes of the emotional component in the formula?

This will end round one of my current speculations for now since I have a bit of a social life to attend to at the moment and the distraction certainly detracts from the efficacy and attention necessarily devoted to either one. I plan to continue with round two soon. I hope this hasn't been too boring... It certainly is a very dry topic to tackle. Well... Maybe I am just a bit dry in my tackling of it. Sorry about that.

My photo-clicking finger should be hurting...

But it isn't... I guess I have a pretty buff finger. Or some sort of a long-distance/marathon runner-type of finger. I guess that might make some sort of sense since it does get fairly regular exercise in the pluck-and-strum activities of my guitar practice on a fairly regular basis.

So this weekend was somewhat of a blur, but indeed a delightfully whirl-windish, big smiles and laughs, type of blur. Just the kind of thing one hopes for when visiting old friends. It was powerfully hot weather at times but perfectly comfortable with a well-padded temperate breeze most of the rest of the time. It really takes a fairly obstinate prearrangement to feel as if leaving the place is the desired course to take once the time has come for my return to normal life.

Thank you to all who were participants in my splendid weekend excursion! I look forward to to my next similar such experience... whenever that time comes.