A divine vision of the future.

I really enjoyed the many different opportunities to learn about the gospel today.  The spirit was strong as the feelings of peace and knowledge seemed freely available to any who would listen.  I think I could have gained so much more just for having prepared better by getting more sleep last night... though, I shouldn't really complain at myself for doing silly things that I certainly do have control over.  My self-mastery of such is certainly lacking but I know I am improving.  The time of tonight's entry is a small evidence of that.

Some of the things I learned today were more of the ways I am flawed and need correction.  I can't say this is ever an entirely pleasant form of learning but it isn't really a bad thing either.  It is always nice to know what I am doing wrong especially if I didn't understand it beforehand.  It's even nicer to get a plan on how to fix those things.

I also learned a little more about the importance and differences between the light of Christ and the Holy Ghost.  It is a deep and rich topic which still bears further examination and pondering.  I won't go into any of it here but I might sprinkle some of it into a different entry I am working on in the future.

I am definitely a different sort of person.  I hear people make statements that sound like they should be quite common to most people that I don't think I have ever really experienced and it makes me realize how far removed from normality I am in some ways.  I realize that this does not make me any more special than the next person(indeed, it probably makes me less appealing to the opposite sex in some ways) but it certainly increases my feelings of loneliness and separation.  Luckily neither of those feelings are very strong for me but they can have their peaks from time to time.  This might be one of the reasons I am so driven to meet and know other people well.

Well, this week is going to be a good one.  I have a decent amount of time on my hands to get many of my personal projects in gear.  I think there will be a different sort of rhythm to it, due to work abnormalities, which I tend to enjoy for the most part.  Plus, the weather is all sorts of unpredictable as usual.  I should be another good week!

Kickin' it with the dudes.

I have definitely been doing too much lone-wolfery over the last several months(probably longer?) for my own good and it has kind of begun to become clear to me over the last few weeks as I have been actually making a little time to hang out with people a bit again.  I really should be doing more to remedy this situation.  All the more positive if I am able to incorporate more female influence into the equation.

I quite enjoyed the folks I got to hang with today.  They remind me of the many positive social interactions and opportunities that build and inspire me.  Just gotta keep up the momentum somehow.

Tonight's entry will unfortunately be somewhat short due to my ridiculous lateness of this entry... but something better will probably come tomorrow.(well... that's the plan, anyway. ha)

A fairly friendly Friday.

I think the general quality level of this particular day was above average and very consistent.  Nothing went wrong in a way that I have any regrets about so that is nice.  I got a few important things done.  The weather was somewhat strange and a little bit fascinating.  People were all kind and easy to share a laugh with.  This is just the kind of day I highly appreciate.

I am taking a bit of a break on the vulnerability kick right now since I would like to be sleeping shortly but it is definitely still something worth delving into again.

I am almost through the first week of my spring break.  Tomorrow looks to be a nice day due to a slightly shortened work schedule.  I am just guessing the weather will be on the slightly odd side again.  I plan to do my business cards.  I'm due for another head shaving too.  All kinds of fun to be had.

The necessity of vulnerability.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Among the many beautifully illustrated ideas presented in this talk I see many elements of my life described with exceptional precision.  Tonight I will just share a couple of these ideas.

I am a person who has a strong sense of love and belonging... and I do believe I am worthy of it. And the reasons for my beliefs in this regard are directly tied to the way I was raised.  Some of it comes from the learned principles ensconced in my heart by the religion I was raised to understand, but the core of it comes from the way my parents treated each other and me as they raised me up from a small child to the person I have now become.

I am highly driven to express my authenticity as a human being, imperfections included. I do fully embrace vulnerability, as it is one of the integral parts of truly honest living.  It is a fundamental act of faith in what I believe is the correct way to be.  I am not perfect in my efforts to even adhere to this personal agenda... but I do try very hard.  And despite my personal enthusiasm for all of this I can not remember for even one second thinking that other people should be doing it my way.  I have always merely thought this is simply the way MY life needed to operate.

There are things in my life that can be described by this motivation.  I bare my testimony in church every month because of this, despite the difficulty of sharing my deepest feelings in a public forum.  I write daily in my journal and blog because of this, despite how my obvious flaws and faults are immortalized in my words.  I laugh freely and openly nearly anywhere at anytime because of this, despite what others my think of me because of this habit which is no doubt annoying to some people - even people I care about deeply.  And, though it happens extremely rarely(only twice or so in the last decade), I am compelled to tell the girls I have feelings for about those feelings for them because of this, despite the expected rejection which has always followed and the generally futile feeling I have regarding the opposite sex(which is definitely the opposite of sex... whatever that is... ha)

This talk is rich with ideas that I would still like to explore and I would love even more the opportunity to hear other people's thoughts on it all as well.  Every idea offered by anyone would be gratitudinously received!

Lessons about myself.

I have quite enjoyed today as a whole, as it has tickled all kinds of fancies from the creative to the laborious, but have truly round the day's icing on the cake in this TED talk that I incidentally stumbled into on my facebook newsfeed:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

It is nothing too fancy or incredibly earth-shattering in its presentation or information.  It goes a long way in describing much of the way I operate as a human being, though, and I've never heard it put so succinctly or clearly in this way before.  I have never been able to give it this much clarity for all my best efforts to do so over the years.  And I consider it a great blessing to have found it at all.

There is a great deal of high quality ideas to be had in this talk.  I would only like to address a couple of them in this particular entry.

I have long felt the importance of vulnerability in my life though I have never quite recognized it as such.  I regularly do things to express who I am as openly an honestly as I feel I can do because I think it allows others to know me better, thereby allowing a greater connection to be formed between me and them.  If you have read any of my past writings on the topic I am sure none of this is any sort of news.  This is apparently one of my ways of expressing my vulnerability.  It seems to be intricately connected to my ability to love and appreciate others, however, which is something I never before supposed to be the case. How enlightening and motivating just that piece of knowledge is!  It also validates much of my reasoning for doing much of what I do in this regard.  Something that I certainly have not needed(as I have not received very much of it anyway... at least in the setting of my blogging endeavors) but something I nonetheless appreciate.(Fun side note - I just noticed that the opposite of "nonetheless" is "all the more" the other day.)

Another thing this talk helped me recognized about myself was the role of shame in my inability to connect with a girl in my attempts to form a meaningful relationship.  I have never really understood it specifically as shame and thought of it more as a fear of hurting others.  I have recently(the last three or so years maybe) begun to move beyond this fear/shame and have still not made any significant connections.  I might be on a good track but it's somewhat difficult to tell.  I guess I just need to keep on pressing forward, continuing to share myself as an expression of my desire to connect, hoping that my worthy, imperfect self will one day be recognized as someone desirable and worth giving a chance to.  That is really all I have ever wanted in the first place anyway.

I hope some of this has been enlightening in a way that helps people understand me better(ALWAYS one of my biggest motivating factors in my writing efforts), but also in a way that helps you understand yourself better!  There is a great deal of highly valuable ideas which are directly spawned of actual principles of truth that anybody can learn to benefit from.

The Best Plaid Plans

Of price and pen
Often go awry...

But that's not what this category is for.  This is the place that I will declare my intent to make something happen in life.  And if they happen to do it in style all the more splendid I say.

So, thus is my quest explained.  Each time I feel prompted to seek future change in my life, and I feel like putting it out on the line, I will create a blog entry to reflect that prompting.  This makes this very description of said category a declaration of intent unto itself.  So now I need to be on my game, eh?

I guess this particular category doesn't need much more explanation than what I have already given it here, but I suppose as time goes on I might update its overall meaning from time to time as the need arises.

Transforming stress into radness.

I can't say that I really did something so appealingly awesome as that... but that's kinda what happened for me today anyway.  I finally got my final grades from both of the classes in question at the end of last term and found them both to be at the grade I wanted.  Coupled with this awesome news was the opportunity to have an excellent band practice before going into work.  There isn't anything quite like a good dose of musical creativity and expression.  Even more so when you are starting to feel like you're actually finding a groove again.

I am almost feeling like I am ready to dive back into my philosophical ramblings here in blog land.  I think it would be good for me to define my labels first so I things can be categorized a bit better as well.  I am creating a body of work that needs to have some kind of organization or it will become more and more frustrating to sort through in the future.

Peering out forward as far as one can
Seeing chilled earth below the lone man
The dust beneath his weathering feet has sewn
An unreckoned past behind his future throne

Not sure where this came from... sometimes a piece of poetry slips out unexpectedly.  I should learn to develop these kinds of things into better, more inspiringly beneficial works.  Sometime when I am much more mentally present, that is.  Ha.