Re-emerging Value in the Secret Self

 But I wouldn't say it's so secretive by intention... more because of it's nature. The nature of the emotional, creative, internal world of feelings is essentially only perceived as much as it is expressed. The future me, and hopefully the future relatives of me, might best get to know me by the more internal things that I express. Sure, the rote recollection of my daily routine can surely reveal a fair bit about the way I operate but personality and character is much better understood in the creative cracks of my intended communications. So here I/we am/are.

I do feel a little trepidation in doing this again. Am I committing to more regular activity here by doing this now? Maybe. I know I would like to and there is distinct value in doing it... but I seem to recall making this rally cry many times in the past... and not following through for very long. So, maybe there is a bit of a slow start and some expected intermittentcy(I made that word up. Actually feels pretty good) that takes a bit of the edge off? I know the value of truly committing but I am not sure I am ready to step up to it yet. But I am happy to give it a passable go.

So, here we/I go!

2021 - A Year in Review - The Accumulation of Life

I am currently sitting in Covid quarantine, I am not sure how many days in(maybe 4?), and am finally feeling like putting the yearly review entry together. Luckily for me the illness has been relatively mild with a minor fever for a couple or so days, lots of congestion, slight shortness of breath for about a day, general body aches, sleep challenges(which may not have been caused by this), lack of appetite, a little dizziness here and there... nothing beyond a basic cold, really. Just a bit on the extended side for sure. I'm still kicking out the phlegm in high volume.

So... starting at the beginning.

The year began in a flurry of busyness as I was working on the Nova feature with Dana and the crew down in Texas. Our team was small but mighty and we really put some great effort into our little creation and had some great fun along the way. I got to go meet the Austin arm wrestling team and practice with them a couple times which is always cool and got about a week off before the next big project started elsewhere in Texas later that month.

Moving into the next project I was quite enthusiastic and optimistic for a great experience. Toward the end of January, as we settled in at the location in Terlingua, a collection of challenges started to boil up and in ways definitely unexpected. The weather went kinda whacky, with the great Snow Storm of 2021 taking out the entire Texas power grid and ultimately closing down our production a few days earlier than planned.

Along with the physical challenges of the weather, I was also hammered first by the loss of my childhood friend's Mom(just before my birthday), followed by the loss of a podcast personality I had grown very fond of(Around the NFL) around February 6th, and the final blow being the loss of my father on February 13th. Wow... so heavy. SO heavy. It was quite an emotional challenge to attempt to cope with for quite some time. It was so cold in the world in so many ways.

I drove back home to Washington and life was a blur for a while. I know we decided to sell Pop's house and was basically moved out by May. Cleaning and organizing that place until we were out was a crazy sort of whirlwind in its own way. I know that I started doing some work here and there. Maybe started shooting Hoarders by then?(I don't remember)

I moved in with Chad in Renton and really saw a huge lifestyle change in so many ways. I became super busy with work which basically went solid until the end of December. I flew down to Texas in July to shoot some pickups for Nova, then work on the color grade for a couple weeks. I flew all over the country shooting several episodes of Hoarders. I also got to shoot a fun short film during the record heat wave that hit Washington, which was a challenge but fun as always!

In the Fall I was able to participate in a couple or so fun arm wrestling tournaments in various places. I also got to see the whole week of the World Table Tennis Championships in Houston, TX with Boyd and his crew. During that week we got to play a little in the "Fan Zone" along with seeing many of our old favorite players, usually in coaching positions. I also got to meet my favorite of all time, Kim Taek Soo when we were out to dinner and the entire Korean National Team sat down at the table next to us. So cool!

December was my month of rest(after a couple weeks of work) and I really enjoyed several moments in it. The Washington States Arm Wrestling tournament was super fun. Our coach got to participate in a 4-way battle(didn't win any matches but pulled well) then he won the divisions of the tournament after that. I got to pull with one of the Australians that came(he killed me) but that was fun. I travelled down to Elisa's for the holidays and got to play a bunch of table tennis at the Salt Lake Club with Boyd and the crew. Tons of fun all around and a great way to end the year!

In conclusion, how does one size up the year as a whole? It definitely was a landmark in the timeline of my life. Losing a parent(especially the last remaining parent) is an experience with such incredible emotional impact... something that truly can't be understood until it becomes a reality. And even then, it seems somewhat incomprehensible to me still. The profound effect they have in one's life... in my life. I am now a different creature in an unexpected way.

Relief in the Form of an Old Flame

 What an unexpected but amazing turn! She reconnected with someone she has known for a long time and simply didn't know how to tell me what had happened. Obviously I am sad for this turn of events as I was really looking forward to getting to know her better but I am utterly ecstatic that she actually told me what happened and my confusion has been totally quelled! I am now totally convinced that confusion might be the thing that most affects me emotionally out of anything I experience in the dating realm. Well, loss and confusion combined, I suppose. It was a bizarrely disturbing experience.

Now I feel totally unburdened by the weight of my apathetic melancholy. It's a pretty awesome feeling, really. Life resumes as it always has and I look forward to what the fates have in store for me again.

An odd bit of depressive hangover.

 I slept somewhat fitfully, I think, and the strangeness of my dream(which I'd rather not go into right now) actually woke me up about an hour before my alarm. The subject matter of the dream seems totally unrelated to my recent emotional disturbance so it was a bizarre way to kick things off for the day.

I got to my work, did the things I needed to, and even felt somewhat productive throughout the day but it all came under the unusual(for me) emotional note of general apathy and a somewhat somber mood. I still feel it, even now. Like a dull, listless humdrum has blanketed my being. It's a very weird feeling to me, truly quite foreign I have to say. In the past, I have typically slept off almost any of the feelings I expressed in my ramblings yesterday. Maybe this event has stung me deeper or in a different way than I have realized. Maybe just being older and going through it has added a different layer. Maybe I need something else to really heal from this properly. I have been ghosted before but maybe the lack of closure this time is something different? I know I am not truly apathetic to what has happened(why would I be compelled to write anything here in the first place?) but I do have a certain feeling permeating within me right now and it definitely has that apathetic feeling to it... or maybe it's just a pathetic feeling?(word play still in tact, I suppose.)

I guess I'll see if I sleep it off tonight. I have another early work day tomorrow. Should be decent. Maybe things can get straightened out in my brain and heart by then. Or, if not both of them, maybe one of them can find a bit of peace? That would really be nice.

The filled life deflated by a single action.

 I am not good at finding my person in life. The one I can truly share my life with. The one I can one day grow older with. The one, it seems, who doesn't actually exist.

I often write here as a catharsis to alleviate or transform my emotional state where possible. I am obviously feeling the sting of rejection once again and despite its general prevalence in my life it never feels any less disparaging.

In this case... I think it feels worse than normal for a couple main reasons(as well as several smaller reasons I probably won't explore very much.) Reason number one is that I was beginning to raise my expectations and hopes about where it could lead. We have not even talked on the phone but things were moving and progressing little by little and seemed to be headed the right direction. I know I am a very slow mover but our life situations seemed to necessitate slow moving anyway and it is possible it was again too slow for her. I only say "possible" because I am forced to speculate... leading me to reason number two... I was "ghosted" by this woman. Possibly the worst of all possible ways to break anything off. Literally the last communication from her was a "loved your video" response to a video I recently made that I sent her the link to. The video was essentially just a super simple piece of artwork that I put together that I thought she might enjoy. So, what am I supposed to think happened between that response and zero responses after? It is so utterly confusing to me that it depresses me quite a bit. Enough that it inspires me to vent here. It feels childish doing this, in some ways, but I know there is some wisdom in expressing painful emotions and I hope that by doing it here there is also something positive that can spin its way out of it all. Questions like "What went wrong?" and "Could I have done something different to invert this outcome?" are naturally driving my thoughts and emotions at the moment. They seem impenetrable and essentially impossible to answer without having any real feedback from her. This is the nature and pain of the "ghosting" experience. Instead, some more productive questions should now arise... what do I do to improve myself because of this? What do I need to change about myself that will inspire someone in the future to take that chance on me to truly develop that real connection we both mutually seek? Honestly they basically feel redundant to me, though. I have essentially spent my entire adult life trying to improve myself to become the kind of person someone would want in their life. I know I have many flaws but I know I have many strengths, finely developed and improved over many years. I have so much to offer... and nobody I am genuinely attracted to has yet given me the chance. What a silly vicious circle. What an unnecessarily long, probably annoying to read paragraph. Ha.

Things are going quite well in life beyond all of this. It's really quite bizarre how good everything else can be going yet it can all feel so worthless when exposed to this sort of thing. My logic says I'm still in great shape, that I have only good things to look forward to, so that's at least a little comforting. I don't know when I should start looking again but I really don't like this feeling. I don't even know if I should attempt to control these emotions or if I should just continue pretending they don't affect me... or neither?

I will say that I truly believe I was written off without being given a thorough chance. It somewhat inspires me to put something like a youtube channel together just for easy access to my personality. I know I have so much to offer and I think it all simply gets overlooked. What a waste.

A certain kind of numbness.

 I will remain in this home for a little more than a week... and then I will be somewhere else. It is not an easy thing. In a way it might be one of the hardest things for me.

I have lived in relative comfort for so long. I have essentially been coddled by this comfort and softened to the realities of life. I was once quite accustomed to moving nearly every six months on average. My life was simpler and easier to transport, much out of necessity but also because I did prefer simplicity and lacked the funds to properly disrupt that anyway. Now... I have a massive, disorganized pile of life that needs to be dealt with.

I know it will be good that something is done. I will basically be looking at so much of the history of my life to make decisions about any of its potential value. I expect there will be much of it simply stored for later examination but I really want to just throw away most of it and not have it lingering around anymore. The call of the minimalist beckons to me but I am uncertain of my resolve to heed it. It has a positively appealing allure... and a subtle, mysterious threat of regret lurking with it.

Anyway... it all begins tomorrow morning... as early as I can command my faculties to engage and conquer.

Self-Identification.

 It is a life long, ever-changing perspective. And for some(many it seems) it is fairly easy to understand. I, however, have never felt there were many stereotypes, categories, or labels that really felt like a good way to describe me... until quite recently. I had never even heard the term before maybe a few days ago. And even though I have only seen a few descriptions of it so far, they have all been quite accurate to a degree that is almost astonishing to me. So... am I a Sigma male? Is there actually such a thing in the first place?

I won't go down the lists I have seen here but, oddly, most of what is shown on the lists I have seen is extremely accurate. Some places online call this whole thing "pseudo science" or hokey but when something seems to be so accurate I tend to think there is some credence to the whole thing. I have loosely tried to define myself many times in the past and have almost reflected perfectly many of the stated Sigma traits exactly. It's definitely a weird thing but in an odd way it actually feels somewhat useful to me. Self-identification can be a powerful tool, I believe.

Anyway... I plan to explore this concept more to better understand how any of it can apply to me. Somehow, better understanding feels empowering and I look forward to what sorts of thing that can improve in me. As always, a better way of life is definitely the goal.