I Should Always Be About My Purpose

 As it is the thing that drives the most consistency in life. But this begs the question... what IS my purpose?

I know that I will continue to pursue film making. I am lucky enough to also make it my career but is IT my purpose?

I will continue practicing my art, training for arm wrestling, playing disc golf, squeezing a bit of ping pong in, writing creatively and technically, and a bevy of other things that seem to add value and direction to my life... but are ANY of these things my purpose? Maybe...

But all of it means very little if I am never able to find a quality woman to start a family with. Sure, I can share my time, energy, and opportunities with my friends, family, and the world at large... which does serve A purpose... but is that truly MY purpose?

No. My future FAMILY is my purpose. I should always be about THAT purpose.

The Pain of Improvement

 And I think it might always be worth it... but is that actually an unhealthy opinion?

Some people say "no pain, no gain" as if it is the main way to level up in life. Obviously that can't be the only way and maybe it can't even always be the most efficient way but it does seem to work, doesn't it?

I love arm wrestling and I guess I love the pain that comes along with it. Maybe that means I'm sadistic but I think it means I love living. And, as the Dread Pirate Roberts so succinctly declared, "Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." Might as well turn the pain into success in a fun sport!

Illness is a strange gift.

 I guess by reducing the normal scope of daily responsibilities it can feel like a nice break. Healing is its own responsibility, after all, and it's pretty easy to neglect self care a lot of the time.

It always reminds me of the health-related things I am grateful for. Especially since I am so infrequently ill that I generally forget what illness even feels like, most of the time.

It is one of the important contrasts in life for so many other reasons, as well. A bit of understanding of how things can vary in perspective, incentive, motivation, self-awareness, patience, energy-level, desires, and so many other things.

A truly needed experience for sure.

What is profound?

 I guess it's always something different to different people... or even something different at different times in life.

Maybe it's the thing all artists are seeking to find in their work. I know I am seeking to be inspired by it, at least.

Perhaps a thing's depth is indicative of an earned excavation. Or maybe it represents the accumulated end of all the collaborative steps leading to it.

A reward for one's patience and persistence... without either of which diminishes its quality. Take the time to build every step toward that ultimate goal. Even the seemingly unrelated steps are an important part of the journey.

My Efforts to Build a Better AI Me

 There have recently been incredible advances made in the creation of AI functions that can emulate many aspects of humanity. So incredible that the Turing Test used as a sort of de facto qualitative assessment has been claimed to be passed with flying colors without any great degree of resistance to the claims. AI art has come incredibly far in the last year but wouldn't quite pass that sort of test for me at the moment but I would not be surprised for it to reach that point anytime in the near future.

One of the interesting features of the process of creating these AI systems is the need to train the system on data it is intended to emulate. And, as I am an aging man still wanting to start a family of my own someday, I do recognize the need for me to find a woman quite a bit younger than me if she is expected to be able to still bear children naturally. When looking at the logically expected end-of-life scenarios one in my position could encounter you tend to realize that my wife and family will likely face a good number of years without me before they pass along to the next life themselves. It could be decades, even. And in many respects it would be largely because I was responsible for getting things started so late in my own life. What a bummer... but could I possibly do something to ease the pain of my loss? This is where the idea of seeing if an AI version of me could do some of my work while I am gone. Obviously it could never truly replace me but couldn't it do something to help? And training it on as much of the "me" data I could possibly train it on would seem to be ideal.

Am I a madman for thinking about all this stuff? Maybe. But I also don't mind a decent motivating reason to get back to my creative writing habits here in the old blog. It has been too long since I've done this with any regularity. Hopefully I can prioritize it better going forward!

Re-emerging Value in the Secret Self

 But I wouldn't say it's so secretive by intention... more because of it's nature. The nature of the emotional, creative, internal world of feelings is essentially only perceived as much as it is expressed. The future me, and hopefully the future relatives of me, might best get to know me by the more internal things that I express. Sure, the rote recollection of my daily routine can surely reveal a fair bit about the way I operate but personality and character is much better understood in the creative cracks of my intended communications. So here I/we am/are.

I do feel a little trepidation in doing this again. Am I committing to more regular activity here by doing this now? Maybe. I know I would like to and there is distinct value in doing it... but I seem to recall making this rally cry many times in the past... and not following through for very long. So, maybe there is a bit of a slow start and some expected intermittentcy(I made that word up. Actually feels pretty good) that takes a bit of the edge off? I know the value of truly committing but I am not sure I am ready to step up to it yet. But I am happy to give it a passable go.

So, here we/I go!

2021 - A Year in Review - The Accumulation of Life

I am currently sitting in Covid quarantine, I am not sure how many days in(maybe 4?), and am finally feeling like putting the yearly review entry together. Luckily for me the illness has been relatively mild with a minor fever for a couple or so days, lots of congestion, slight shortness of breath for about a day, general body aches, sleep challenges(which may not have been caused by this), lack of appetite, a little dizziness here and there... nothing beyond a basic cold, really. Just a bit on the extended side for sure. I'm still kicking out the phlegm in high volume.

So... starting at the beginning.

The year began in a flurry of busyness as I was working on the Nova feature with Dana and the crew down in Texas. Our team was small but mighty and we really put some great effort into our little creation and had some great fun along the way. I got to go meet the Austin arm wrestling team and practice with them a couple times which is always cool and got about a week off before the next big project started elsewhere in Texas later that month.

Moving into the next project I was quite enthusiastic and optimistic for a great experience. Toward the end of January, as we settled in at the location in Terlingua, a collection of challenges started to boil up and in ways definitely unexpected. The weather went kinda whacky, with the great Snow Storm of 2021 taking out the entire Texas power grid and ultimately closing down our production a few days earlier than planned.

Along with the physical challenges of the weather, I was also hammered first by the loss of my childhood friend's Mom(just before my birthday), followed by the loss of a podcast personality I had grown very fond of(Around the NFL) around February 6th, and the final blow being the loss of my father on February 13th. Wow... so heavy. SO heavy. It was quite an emotional challenge to attempt to cope with for quite some time. It was so cold in the world in so many ways.

I drove back home to Washington and life was a blur for a while. I know we decided to sell Pop's house and was basically moved out by May. Cleaning and organizing that place until we were out was a crazy sort of whirlwind in its own way. I know that I started doing some work here and there. Maybe started shooting Hoarders by then?(I don't remember)

I moved in with Chad in Renton and really saw a huge lifestyle change in so many ways. I became super busy with work which basically went solid until the end of December. I flew down to Texas in July to shoot some pickups for Nova, then work on the color grade for a couple weeks. I flew all over the country shooting several episodes of Hoarders. I also got to shoot a fun short film during the record heat wave that hit Washington, which was a challenge but fun as always!

In the Fall I was able to participate in a couple or so fun arm wrestling tournaments in various places. I also got to see the whole week of the World Table Tennis Championships in Houston, TX with Boyd and his crew. During that week we got to play a little in the "Fan Zone" along with seeing many of our old favorite players, usually in coaching positions. I also got to meet my favorite of all time, Kim Taek Soo when we were out to dinner and the entire Korean National Team sat down at the table next to us. So cool!

December was my month of rest(after a couple weeks of work) and I really enjoyed several moments in it. The Washington States Arm Wrestling tournament was super fun. Our coach got to participate in a 4-way battle(didn't win any matches but pulled well) then he won the divisions of the tournament after that. I got to pull with one of the Australians that came(he killed me) but that was fun. I travelled down to Elisa's for the holidays and got to play a bunch of table tennis at the Salt Lake Club with Boyd and the crew. Tons of fun all around and a great way to end the year!

In conclusion, how does one size up the year as a whole? It definitely was a landmark in the timeline of my life. Losing a parent(especially the last remaining parent) is an experience with such incredible emotional impact... something that truly can't be understood until it becomes a reality. And even then, it seems somewhat incomprehensible to me still. The profound effect they have in one's life... in my life. I am now a different creature in an unexpected way.