The summer is hot... it puts me to sleep sometimes.

Current mood: good

I guess wearing a lot of clothes makes the temperature go up. I slept little last night to account for a great deal of my drowsiness... but hey... the heat is a factor. The afternoon is often a time of excessive relaxation. So how did I end up here?

I face a time in my life not too unlike many other I have faced. This is in the respect that I have come to a realization that I need to make some sort of major change in my life. I need to re-prioritize. Mostly it is a matter of finance but there are other important aspects which need adjustment. I have been indecisive and unmotivated get anything started for far too long. What a terrible track record. Maybe something will change soon.

So today begins a new week. What is new? Certainly I feel differently now than I have before about the near futures possibilities, but this type of feeling is not something new. The general optimism is almost the same, in fact, and I wonder why that has not produced the expected results in the past. It is not entirely unfounded optimism, based on where I now stand in life, but it does sometimes seem a bit... off. Anyway... I still call it new. I am going to do and learn things this week which I have not before done or

learned. I am going to meet people unlike any I have ever met. I will create something I have never before conceived of... artistically, habitually, socially. And even if the differences in all these ways are not very drastic they are real, and important, and influential to the rest of my future. It all starts with the small things we are comprised of anyway.

The weather is cooling off quite nicely.

I hide much... I have hidden much... I will hide much

Current mood: numb

I never want to become some sort of mysterious figure, I am far more apt to place my heart on the table than stuff it in a box, so I do not make any of the following statements with any intent to confuse, arouse suspicion, or mislead one's perception. As is usually the case, I write for relief. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders.

My life is not simple. I want it to be. I have a terrible knack for seeing potential, for seeing possibilities, and for filtering much of my vision with a density of positivity and optimism. This works as a two-edged sword, if you would forgive the inadequate expression, because it helps me find the positivity in all things and others around me, at the same time condemning my own lack of follow-through. Self-criticism is important but, as with all things, it must be exercised in temperament. How does one achieve such balance?

Any real change I want to make in myself starts with a change in my desires. I have to seek after something different than what I already have. I want to become a reasonable writer, I want to have an income controlled by my skills and motivation, I want to create a much higher standard of self-control. All steps in the right direction must be small, however, as large steps are harder to reach and always land on shakier footing. This is a concept I could delve into for extended amounts of time but this will suffice. I am tired.

Tomorrow I will be relaxing, stressing, eating, calling people, doing chores, hounding myself, playing games, changing. It will be the only day in existence for me quite like it. It is something special and should never be taken for granted. I will probably do that too.