Current mood: numb
I never want to become some sort of mysterious figure, I am far more apt to place my heart on the table than stuff it in a box, so I do not make any of the following statements with any intent to confuse, arouse suspicion, or mislead one's perception. As is usually the case, I write for relief. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders.
My life is not simple. I want it to be. I have a terrible knack for seeing potential, for seeing possibilities, and for filtering much of my vision with a density of positivity and optimism. This works as a two-edged sword, if you would forgive the inadequate expression, because it helps me find the positivity in all things and others around me, at the same time condemning my own lack of follow-through. Self-criticism is important but, as with all things, it must be exercised in temperament. How does one achieve such balance?
Any real change I want to make in myself starts with a change in my desires. I have to seek after something different than what I already have. I want to become a reasonable writer, I want to have an income controlled by my skills and motivation, I want to create a much higher standard of self-control. All steps in the right direction must be small, however, as large steps are harder to reach and always land on shakier footing. This is a concept I could delve into for extended amounts of time but this will suffice. I am tired.
Tomorrow I will be relaxing, stressing, eating, calling people, doing chores, hounding myself, playing games, changing. It will be the only day in existence for me quite like it. It is something special and should never be taken for granted. I will probably do that too.
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