Counting down to freedom.

Current mood: indescribable

In this case freedom more specifically relates to ability... or lack of disability.

I have never been one to accept things from others. I think this particular trait of mine is pretty consistent all the way across the board. I don't take compliments well, I don't take charity from others well, I don't take things from people(their belongings and such), I just don't do the receiving end very well in general. I am sure pride is somewhat involved but I know there is something else at work here.

I think a lot of it has to do with my inadequate understanding of possession and ownership mixed with the misunderstanding of motives and intentions of others. I know I need help in all areas of my fragile, often chaotic life but I still have difficulty putting it all together. Maybe I am thinking too hard about the whole thing.

So I was playing softball recently...

We all know a softball is not soft and that there can be such thing as too competitive. I always want to do well in whatever endeavors I take on so I usually try to put forth my best effort. Sometimes my enthusiasm can hurt others in the face... sorry Chris... sometimes it can hurt me in the leg... yowza! But I love the oxymoronically named sport nonetheless. Even though the pain I currently experience is really not fun at all. It gives me a new perspective, recognition of the vast blessings I enjoy, and tweaks my concept of when good will return... like as if it ever left. I am always saddened when I recognize this last concept in others. "The grass is always greener..." or some such nonsense. What a tragically powerful lie! Wake up! Open your eyes! Open your heart! There is no time for pity!

I have been having some really up and down days for the last several weeks. I can not attribute it to much other than my general human inconsistency. It does not bother me that much, I know it's all about learning and progression, but I do wonder what has caused it to be more distinct lately. I think my fundamentals are lacking. I think my focus is askew. Something.

So if you can't tell I am a bit out of my element. I hope there can be something found here that might be even just a bit helpful to somebody. My direction through this short narrative has been a bit erratic but at least it has been fun to write... and somewhat therapeutic.

Oh... and by the way... sunburns, allergies, and pulled hamstrings don't mix well... but I ain't complainin'... I find it rather amusing. You should see me try to climb into a car.