I guess the process of purging the lesser thoughts of my recent rejection starts with the time to accept my loss. Along with that time comes the realization of so many possibilities, usually increasing the pain and overall confusion, but I tend to think this revelatory process is a positive part of the healing. I will move forward without her in my future, as this is what life demands, but the pain is not only in this thing. Some of the pain comes in realizing that I had to give up. I had to willingly relinquish my pride and throw in the towel on the matter. That is a pain of a different kind.
I have never been one to let things go lightly. I know how to meter the bad with the worse but I have still never become comfortable with a crumby half-hearted effort. This is, perhaps, why I have such an immense disdain for confusion... it jumbles up my efforts beyond recognition as such sometimes. All the more disappointing to learn about my venerable disgraces after the fact!
I really need to stop being so self-critical. Even though I prefer to take the blame instead of dishing any her way.
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