Followed by a swift and unexpected crash.

Something like a swan dive, face first, into a frozen lake... naked. Okay... I just added in the extra parts for comedic drama. It isn't really that bad. I truly did(do) feel something, though, and there is definitely a sting that will likely ripple around in my head and heart for a little while(hopefully just a little.) I can't say she did anything wrong other than being herself. I know she isn't perfect. I know she isn't even particularly good at communicating with me, which is a two way thing, meaning I am not particularly good at communicating with her too. I know her situation is challenging for both her and, if I was ever allowed to be more than a friend, it would be challenging for me since I have little recent relationship experience and even less experience trying to be a parental type person. I know I am basically a screw up in life, which no doubt does not impress her or fit any sort of image she has for what she is looking for in life. Heck, I know all KINDS of things that are wrong with me that she could easily write me off for... I know I am a self-critical person to a somewhat extreme measure... BUT... I know that there's a possibility I could be just the right kind of person for her. That I could be the sort of guy that really makes her life better, that makes her happy, that truly loves her for the right reasons if she even wanted to give me a chance. Which she apparently did not. Maybe didn't even want to. Which is a bummer that I either misunderstood her or she just didn't want to communicate that to me very clearly before. I can assume she wanted to spare my feelings but that doesn't really matter at this point. The point is that I now know she doesn't even want to give me a chance at anything beyond friendship. And I have finally realized that chasing a person with that mindset is not a wise thing for me to do, for both her and my benefit. I will want to spend more time with her, do more for her, give her more of myself while she will not properly appreciate me for any of that. A totally one-sided exchange of energy without reciprocation. And in truth, I'd rather do that than have nobody... but in reality I should not waste my time or hers. She doesn't benefit from what I give her, of myself or otherwise... she only gets a skewed perception of how men treat her. I need more self-respect and that would not be the way to express it. Ugh. What a drain of emotional energy! Look how it has spilled all out into this semi-large, under-appreciated paragraph. I know it isn't a total waste of time, me writing all this down, since expressing challenging feelings generally helps one work through them better... but dang this is somewhat depressing. Ha. Well, at least I have my work to look forward to.