Lots of work this week!

And even though I haven't been paid for several of my recent jobs yet, it feels good to have a decent chunk of money lingering on the horizon. Plans, plans, plans. I might be a bit of a spending fanatic but I think I am almost over the hump of critical mass for gear to really get things moving on the freelance front. It's exciting. I should be a bit tempered since I know a lot of it has been luck and I won't always have so much to do but I'll take it for now.

The nebulous plans of creativity.

I am at a spot in life where I don't feel particularly tied down to what I am doing. I love my work but I feel like I could basically be doing it anywhere. It gives me ideas about going on the road and trying to find work as I go. I wouldn't call my current car the most reliable sort of vehicle but I imagine it could get around well enough. Anyway, it's all a very vague notion at this point but it seems to be rattling around in my head more and more lately.

The boringest day.

I don't like the slow days spent in the "cave" whether I'm busy editing or not. Hanging around in the house all day just isn't very healthy. It's a bit of an emotional drain. At least my next several days are booked up with the good stuff. Whew!

The expansive challenge of comedy.

I have recently been watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and have enjoyed the interesting exchange of ideas and insights they offer on the world of humor and comedy. It does in many ways rekindle my interest in creating more comedy in my expressions, whether through written, spoken, or interactive mediums. Obviously, unless you have the comedic sense of a robot, I have not done much of that sort of thing in this post but I might start taking stabs at it relatively soon. And failure stabs are just the sort of thing I expect but also the sort of thing that can tend to improve the craftwork quality if paid attention to.

Communication is a practiced endeavor.

And the less I write the less I am inclined to write. As if my actual creativity to do so diminishes somewhat. So, thinking this, I am at least a little more motivated to write more again... for now, anyway. I want to be better at the things that seem important in life and communication is definitely one of those things. I'd also want to improve my skill at finding a quality woman but I am not even sure how to practice that. Ha.

Getting out and about.

I like traveling around and seeing life. It is good to be among people and enjoy the beautiful weather and enjoy a good meal here and there. It almost feels like the Spring is actually here. It's a nice thing. Life is always better with nice things in it.

A semi-normal weekend.

Which is not a bad thing. It's nice to relax a bit and forget about some of the bigger responsibilities of life. I have a good looking week ahead of me, too. It should be a reasonably productive go at things.

Busy week. Slow weekend.

But maybe only for one day. I might have lots to do tomorrow. It was nice to kind of have the day off today, though. I got my binge on for sure. A good unwind sort of day. I need to do these more often. I can't even really remember what it was like to have weekends(or any two consecutive days) off with any regularity. How weird that would feel nowadays!

Things seem somewhat back on track.

And I am getting things done as I should. I am not a big fan of editing work since it is so easy to get distracted while doing it here at home but I've made some decent progress this weekend nonetheless. I have a solid week of work ahead of me and I look forward to cranking it all out and getting ahead of things for the coming months.

What is my life like?

Meaning, what is the substance of my life? I think it's a good life but it seems a bit out of the ordinary. Sure, I've had my struggles but I think I have largely avoided just about any dramatic tragedy for pretty much my whole life. Some of that is just luck but I am starting to wonder if I am also dodging the bullets in a somewhat subconscious way? I have had the thought that I might be avoiding serious relationships with women to avoid the pain that comes with them... but I wonder if that might also extend to the realm of regular life as well? Is it easy to stay in my current life track, complaining about my solitude from time to time, since I am largely floating through things as one who is praised on a daily basis for all the things I do well, all the people I try to serve, all the the conflict and challenge I avoid? Sure, I am always trying to improve myself by attempting to do things that stretch my skills and test me as a person, and that has some valid meaning in the perspective of a life with substance, but I think I have largely been avoiding important female relationships as well. And I think they are the things that could potentially bring my life closer to that of the more typical and still substantial life. I am missing that component of fulfillment, love, acceptance, strength, and interdependence as well as missing all the conflict, drama, pain, and betrayal, those things which truly create substantive change in one's life and character. I should try harder to overcome my fear, recognized or not, to at least engage in some sort of meaningful relationship somehow. I need to play that stupid game better. I need to play it at all.

Pain and anger are the only things to cling to sometimes.

And it makes me incredibly sad. There is no end to my personal grief about the way my father holds fixed to these poisonous tenets with the stubborn tenacity beyond even that of the ever incredulous honey badger. And I use that metaphor with all the maximum emphasis I can muster still feeling like it falls far short of the actual level of stubbornness he exhibits. It seems to me a form of bondage he is simply and utterly incapable of breaking free of. It seems to me a literal part of his character, immovable, unshakable, impenetrable, deeply infected like a disease wrapping around every system of his mind, body, and soul, warping his character and being as it conforms to the disease's fear of reality... that IT is the enemy. I feel hopeless nearly to the inverse degree that IT thrives in his system. I love my father and I continue to fight but I have yet to truly feel ANY progress in ANY direction away from the only direction IT moves him. There are very few things in life that I have ever felt so similarly helpless to cope with and NONE that surpass it's ultimate and frustrating level of annoyance. And even labeling all of this with the type of hyperbole I have laid out simply feels epically inadequate to the truth of the situation. My heart aches. Such are the challenges of life. And I will continue to fight for as long as I can because I love my father deeply.