Ludichristmas

Current mood: full

I must first apologize for not making time to record this one as I had intended but it has been a long day... maybe next time.

It is sometimes the pure, honorable intentions which drive a person to feed the mass consumerism grip of the traditional societal path at this time of year. Those people are brave, sometimes heroic, pillars of strength exemplifying the nobler intentions of this typically mis-figured holiday. I am greatful for those people. I am somewhat distressed by the other side of the equation.

I think a lot of it is a sort of mutated emotional frenzy. A bunch of loose triggers and randomly moving targets with some fairly potent ammunition in the chamber. If you work in, or relative to, the retail field you probably have a good idea what these concepts are in the empathetic, personal sense. I have been in the thick of this many holiday seasons and still do not really understand it completely. I doubt I even have the capacity to understand it as I am not much of a consumer... but here I sit in my ranting fashion typing away my unappealing complaints to a friendly, obscure crowd.

It is probably apparent but I think it should be stated anyway - I enjoy getting my thoughts out in this way. Written expression is a very different, vitally important method of relief for me. I have so much going on in my head, that I often wish I could display, that a lot of good ideas are already being wasted by my naturally flawed memory retention. The decay of good ideas does not appeal to me. So here it is. Here is the current, barely adequate, fill of the internal workings of my brain.

What is it that compels me to create? I realized at a somewhat young age that I don't like to read... most things. It is rare that I feel the need to input any particular type of information through the medium of reading as far as books and stories, the more common forms of information. It probably sounds strange but I don't believe I have completed reading even more than 20 books in my entire life. I have an idea why. I think it has to do with my more natural inclination to create. Now I can not say that I have written more books than I have read... nothing that specific. But taking all of my particular creative endeavors into account I would have to say that I have definitely spent much more time creating things than merely taking them in. I am a visual artist, a musical artist, some form of a writer, a non-specific craft builder, a relationship builder, a verbal communicator. I really enjoy all of it. What does any of this mean? I do not have a simple explainable thought to answer that question. What does it mean to you? Do you have a similar personal feeling about yourself?

So I hope that non of this is taken as a knock at Christmas. I understand the human nature of the holiday brawl I have been a witness to lately. It is sort of a big unseen pressure point on society in general. I have marked my interest in such things before.

I am quite enjoying the relaxation of imminent peace for the next two days, my typical days off, and upcoming weeks as my work will be tapering down to a near halt. Post-holiday anti-consumerism is a welcome relief to the mind, even at the danger of the stability of my pocketbook.

To all, I hope the best holiday conceivable. To each, I expect the pleasant self-satisfaction attained of their individual giving efforts to be inspirational and uplifting. To the down-trodden, I have been in the thick of it and have come out of it a stronger person and I share the knowledge that I know you will too. I am so grateful to know of my Savior's love for me, a horribly flawed individual, as well as the entire human family. This is what I celebrate. This is my joy.

Learning to communicate - Part 1

I think the "part 1" of any multi-part message usually contains the "thesis statement" of said message. I think I am about to really miss the point on that one because this is shooting from the hip tonight. Just a warning.

So I have been trying to figure out how to write in a more accesible manner... or write in a way that accurately reflects the message I am trying to convey, yet still be understandable to the casual observer. A big problem I face in this regard is that the way I communicate verbally and the way I communicate in writing is quite different. When comparing the two I appear, to some, like two separate people almost entirely. I do understand the disparity is quite confusing, and in all reality would prefer there be as little difference as possible, but am seemingly unable to close the gap between the way I write and the way I talk. Fun times.

Anyway this whole thing is sort of a self-analytical personal exploration of the way I communicate in general. I think I will probably come back to this specific topic with a generally regular frequency since I am sort of "obsessed" with improving my communication skills and find myself thinking about ways to improve it often. This particular post is sort of intended to just get the ball rolling on my part. I plan to try

something different next time, which should prove to be very interesting in practice, by actually recording a narrative in a sort of impromptu fashion as I try to convey whatever message I am intending to post here. I may even post up an .mp3 link for it or something.

On to other things...

Today is the first anniversary of a good friends passing and I thought I would post a small memorial comment or two... or three.

My friend meant more to me than she ever realized and always made me feel like I meant more to her than I could ever understand. This is not one of those gimmicky, poem-type statements but a statement of truth. When the news of my friend's passing entered my consciousness I almost immediately felt emotionally broken for reasons I did not, at the time, understand. As things started to settle, in my mind and heart, I realized that part of my sorrow was expressed in the selfish need for the pure love so richly offered by my friend, which I often took for granted. She was truly a one-way street of real, sincere affection, always offering and never taking. It was a sometimes a frustrating battle in our relationship, as I often tried to drive the wrong way down that street, but never a battle fought there without both sides victorious. Even I think that last statement sounds cheesy but I know she would not have it any other way. She always enjoyed the pure, natural honesty of people regardless of its form.

So much has happened this short year in passing. My life has taken many unusual turns which I would never have expected, sitting back in that bygone perspective. I have thought about her many times between then and now, usually with fondness deserved and cherished. I am not one prone to live in the past, but I am one who never wants to forget it. So I think I have grown quite a bit in many positive ways... and I think she would be happy for me on a few of those marks. And when will all of this sentimentality change? I do not care really. Perhaps I will feel compelled next year to run through this again. Maybe at that time I will feel something totally different.

So here's to her! Cheers! My good friend. One of the best friends I have had the pleasure to know, to share with, to serve with, to love. I am sure she would laugh at my strange attempt to build her this digital monument. This is just not her style. But I am compelled nonetheless and I am certainly glad for doing it.

Evelyn Josephine Cotton

July 24, 1972 - December 11, 2004

Piece be unto you, my friend.

Holiday mirth and joy all the rest!

A new definition, a new discovery.

Current mood: tired

Sometimes there are a few things I think I have a pretty good grasp on. I consider myself to be a fairly capable fellow in many respects. I think it is becoming clear to me how false that thought really is, though, and it seems to be a hard lesson to learn. I feel like I am repeating myself in this crazy little cycle of thought... maybe I am.

I have recently discovered a distinct lack of self-discipline in my life. Not in all things but very visibly, to me at least, in certain fundamental and key areas of my life. The way I handle certain things related to stress and anxiety, the way I format my daily schedule, the way I treat my diet and need for exercise, just to name a few. Most of this realization has come under the recognition of the difference between habits and discipline.

I am an exceptionally habitual person by nature. I have a wide variety of interests, generally positive in nature, which draw most of my time to whatever degree they demand individually. I do them mostly because I make some sort of strange decision that they have a highly imbalanced level of priority for my time. ie. Play as much ping pong as possible, read as much photography information as possible, and so on. Doing things in this way is usually nice for the rapid improvement of the given areas of interest. This is, however, ultimately bad for my need to have greater self-mastery and self-discipline due to my basic surrender to personal passions rather than the dedicated, self-aware direction imposed by careful planning in standard moderation. Habits might be a form of self-discipline but ultimately become a form of ease and relaxation as they constrict the practice of choosing something over ones desire... for good or bad.

What a load of garbage! This all makes sense in my mind but I am sure it is not worth the time of trying to ground applicable concepts out of my fragile, barely contiguous thought processes. I should not have sat down to my computer in this tired state. My mind is like a playground full of hundreds of bouncing balls, similar color and size, unendingly bouncing to and fro, surrounded by a small fence that all the little kids are peering over, waiting to grab their favorite ball that bounces too close for them to resist... those little thieves... I never said they could do that.

My triple-pillow bed configuration calls to me softly... I must not resist for to do so would be silly.

Words of the Wandering

reckoned by the parts inside

to the place prepared for me

often hollow, filled with pride

far and distant I will flee

purpose carefully composed

swinging hinges oft' distract

swaying underneath the blows

of a path unseen, intact

follow suit or redirect?

promises are not so telling

lingering on indirect

blinding river, raging, swelling

taken on the ride of training

to the place perceived undone

sense and freedom lost and waning

pulled aside as they have won

quick divergence quick repeated

non a stranger to this one

slow refocus claims the treated

polished placement stands alone

brought upright and re-created

i have wind to find a home

made anew and vindicated

support from the only One

peering through the cracks of sin

harvesting the treasures here

witness to the greatest win

triumph borne in simple fear

down the path is taken well

not the whimsy of a glance

whispers of the future swell

into songs of former chance

A brief disclaimer about me.

Current mood: mellow

I have heard it expressed that I am sort of a difficult to understand blogger. The question was posed to me recently: Is the way you talk or the way you write more how you actually think? Answer: I feel that the way I write more closely emulates the way I think. There are many emotions and thoughts I have which are very difficult or impossible to express through words, and certainly there are things I express better in my verbal/physical communication, but I think that the careful composition of any given written expression better illustrates my fuller, more direct thinking patterns. I know there is much related to this matter which I am not taking into account but this is sufficient for my current purposes of explanation and exposition. I think it is a good question. I am sure my blogging can be very misleading as to how I seem in regular life. I never want to be misleading.

If you have been a victim of my often confusing methods I do apologize. I try to do what is right... and only succeed once in a while.

What is a halloween?

Current mood: dorky

p.s. The DeBussy I am listening to is by Paul Crossley not Catherine Collard. The Paul Crossley version was not available to choose for some reason. Also, in this particular case, the "p" in "p.s." means pre instead of post. I apologize if this offends you... hey, at least I made the font smaller.

Again... what is a halloween?

I think it is something personal.

It is a specific segment of time which forces socially dependent people to make a choice... will I, or will I not?

It is something akin to a natural disaster... some people step up to the plate, some people send condolences, some people just do not care. I think it is somewhere in these concepts to which I am greatly attracted. I enjoy the defining moments in whatever form they appear. Those times when a real aspect of a person's character are displayed, whether in a visual way or something a little less obvious, my interest often burgeons to near capacity. I am, as is probably quite apparent, a highly visual person down to the very center... this, however, does not always preclude my ability to be sensitive in a variety of other fashions. What else can be seen in the opportunity (<this word is always a pain to spell, I need to make a mnemonic device for myself, suggestions would be nice) to make such an important decision? Do you also see the subtlety of the decisions involved in costume undertaking?

I was null of activity in this regard last year at this time. I have less of a purpose than I would typically feel this year, but enough of a purpose to have fun with it all. I will be watching to see who else, and how else, those around me act or react. I am sure this would be assumed but I think that by stating it I may have an effect on what actually does happen and I am curious to see what that will be, if anything. I like to be a social scientist. Is there a real-world term for that?

Sometimes I float with the environment of my recent history. Sometimes I fill purposes long before designed by my eternally scheming machinations... although not typically of an evil nature. Sometimes the whimsical and unpredictable are the first priorities in my execution. Sometimes, a bit frequently for my taste, I leave myself in a state of confusion far from the peace of consistency and order. But such is life!

I breathe in. I breathe out. Sometimes I hold it in... and do not notice until several seconds have passed. I love breathing. I am so grateful I get to do it thousands of times a day.

Weekend rising.

Current mood: good

So begins the weekend with purpose yet unrelated to this commentary specifically. I have a plan, among many, which will bring me closer to completion in a few of my personal endeavors. The concept of planning is a fairly overlooked tool in my life on an unfortunately regular basis. I have started to see different aspects of my life which would greatly benefit from consistent utilization of said tools.

There is a difference between a plan and a goal. They are related to each other, each having there own separate place, but I often put plans behind the importance of goals. I know I have a inclination to revel in spontaneity, which I think can still coexist with planning, but without planning one gives a level of control to outside influences instead of retaining a more internal center of control. I know there is already so much of my control given to outside influences that I should learn to implement planning into a more regular form of my function. I know I would be a happier person if I did this. Does it seem strange that I do not consider myself to be much of a planner? Take some time to consider how little you actually control in your own life and a lot of aspects of non-control start to come to the surface.

As one might notice I have been listening to a new album a lot for the last two days. In it is a quality music I am very inspired by. It satisfies many areas of critique in my musical mind. I know it is not perfect. I know much of it is very affected by my current musical tastes. I know I will find more in it which I love, and I know I will find more in it which I do not like very much. It makes me want to play more music on the various instruments I am associated with. It makes me want to create something beautiful... a little visual, a little auditory, a little emotional. I am fixed on the rich, powerful influence of music in my life. It is a great part of my life, yet it is not a factor which defines the whole me. It is a model of my passions. I have many. Music is only one of them.

I know I am jumping topics but I have another thing on my mind...

Maybe the topics are somewhat related if you dig a little...

Or a lot...

Have you ever had an influence on anything which was noticeable publicly, distantly, vicariously, or through something which was otherwise unaffected by your influence? An example of what I am saying in my own life has been the various advertisement projects I have worked on as a graphic artist/designer. A product I helped to design was once given to me as a special gift by a very dear friend, whom did not have the knowledge of my involvement of the creation of that gift before giving it to me. Can you imagine the strange feeling that such an occurrence would instill in a person as it did me? Lately I have gotten a small dose of something akin to this. It is different, as the situation is quite different in general, but it is still a feeling I enjoy. I think it appeals to my need for validation as a creative individual in some way. I am not too sure how but something in that statement rings true to me. I am sure I will research that idea more later.

I enjoy my friends. I enjoy my work. I enjoy my opportunities. My bed is looking quite enjoyable right now, too, which I apologize for even mentioning this lame excuse for my departure here. I shall have to try writing here with more time and presence of mind next time.

Smiling people are ALWAYS more attractive... even the sinister villain types.

It feels like time...

Current mood: mellow

What does that even mean, anyway? Ahhh... but I have a thought.

Every now and then I get an almost tangible sense of time. Tangible in a way that is mostly a sort of physical feeling in my head. A sort of light-headed dizziness or something... it is difficult to describe. It is something real, though, and compelled me to enter this creative outlet rather comfortably. It is a nice feeling. The feeling can be compared to the feeling you get when you have just undertaken a task or activity which was planned out in some way sometime prior. It is a feeling coupled with the sense of purpose or accomplishment in such an endeavor. I think it is strange that I would have this time-oriented feeling, amongst my typically dominant feelings of time-constraint, since it is a feeling of ease. Maybe there is something deeper encompassing this concept which I am not currently seeing in correct perspective.

These last few weeks have been quite colorful, filled with a high density of timing issues to be solved, and little area for relief to fall back on. If you know me at all you know that I failed in many, many of my attempts to wrangle this scheduling beast. But you would also know that I tried very hard and actually did succeed on some of the more important break-points. I am sure the latter is less visible to anybody but me but I guess that is my nature. I am quite internally oriented in my goals for progression. Anyway, things are nonetheless quite good in life right now. For that I am extremely grateful.

I am making progress... in an almost tangible way.

Table tennis is a very challenging sport... I love a good challenge!

Today I played in a table tennis tournament hosted by the Sacramento Table Tennis Club in Rosemont High School somewhere in east Sacramento. I played in three different divisions, the earliest starting at 11:15am, the latest starting at 4:30pm. Even though the actual playing of the sport is the most exhausting aspect of it, I can not emphasize the truly harsh nature of the secondary role as table tennis spectator.

I literally watched thousands of points played today. Of those thousands, I intently focused on a high percentage of them. I am not a scientist by profession but I have to think that the excessive, nearly continuous engagement of my mind and visual sense for such a long period of time is a highly fatiguing situation. Combine that with my poor seating posture on a gym bleacher, lack of regular food consumption, little personal interaction with others, and little change in activity other than the three events I played in personally. To add another aspect to this, in all of the six matches I played I only won one of them... in other words, I also added the stress of personal dissatisfaction to this insidious array of stressors. Now I know I have not painted any of the positive aspects relative to this experience, I hold those in reserve for another time, but does this sound as difficult as one would think it would be? Does it sound confusing as to why I would even want to participate in such a thing?

So I had a somewhat new thought sometime today. I am not too sure why I ran down this line of thinking given the environment I was in at the time but I can see it's relevance.

There is sensory perception of things in a realistic, consistent, physical order. My thought today had to do with what people do with those perceptions. It goes something like this: "People hear and see only what they want to hear and see... What people hear and see is typically skewed by their internal, or intellectual, interpretations." This concept applies quite universally. I, for obvious reasons, saw much application in the context of table tennis. I know, however, after thinking about it for a moment I see how it aptly applies to many more ideas. If I was not so tired right now I might go into further depth on this topic. I find the topic of perception quite rich.

My apologies for the sudden exit... my eyelids seem to be taking turns in the off position.

I was told I look "Bohemian" today...

Current mood: relaxed

I guess I have to look like something.

I have had some conversations on the topic of stereotypes with several various people throughout the years. I am not particularly focused on the subject but the dynamics and social implications are fascinating to me. Because I do not, atleast concsiously, try to follow any particular trend, group, political party, fashion motif, media puppet, or otherwise group-classified style of living, it leads me to question where I fall in to the social scheme of things. Most people I know and have ever met somehow fall into a fairly identifiable stereotype of a sort, usually many different ones, and even though I know I must fall into some stereotypes myself, I do not readily see what they are. More than that, I am highly interested in what stereotypes other people see me falling into. How am I socially perceived? Part of the difficulty in thoroughly exploring this topic comes from my, and I am sure many others', misunderstanding of what a stereotype is, as well as how it relates to various important social dynamics and what those dynamics are. On top of that there are many different aspects of stereotypology (I just made that up... it might actually be a word... I mean in the world outside of my own head) such as the visual, habitual, linguistic, economic, social, gender, economic, religious, psychological, and I am sure many more I can not think of at this time, which can all variously be associated with any given stereotype to whatever degree. Just looking at the possibilities can be somewhat mind-numbing. Does this seem too complicated for something so seemingly trivial? What is "Bohemian" anyway?

I have to say... Self-identification is a crucially important quest for a person's ability to gain self-control. Internal self-control creates external self-success.

The summer is hot... it puts me to sleep sometimes.

Current mood: good

I guess wearing a lot of clothes makes the temperature go up. I slept little last night to account for a great deal of my drowsiness... but hey... the heat is a factor. The afternoon is often a time of excessive relaxation. So how did I end up here?

I face a time in my life not too unlike many other I have faced. This is in the respect that I have come to a realization that I need to make some sort of major change in my life. I need to re-prioritize. Mostly it is a matter of finance but there are other important aspects which need adjustment. I have been indecisive and unmotivated get anything started for far too long. What a terrible track record. Maybe something will change soon.

So today begins a new week. What is new? Certainly I feel differently now than I have before about the near futures possibilities, but this type of feeling is not something new. The general optimism is almost the same, in fact, and I wonder why that has not produced the expected results in the past. It is not entirely unfounded optimism, based on where I now stand in life, but it does sometimes seem a bit... off. Anyway... I still call it new. I am going to do and learn things this week which I have not before done or

learned. I am going to meet people unlike any I have ever met. I will create something I have never before conceived of... artistically, habitually, socially. And even if the differences in all these ways are not very drastic they are real, and important, and influential to the rest of my future. It all starts with the small things we are comprised of anyway.

The weather is cooling off quite nicely.

I hide much... I have hidden much... I will hide much

Current mood: numb

I never want to become some sort of mysterious figure, I am far more apt to place my heart on the table than stuff it in a box, so I do not make any of the following statements with any intent to confuse, arouse suspicion, or mislead one's perception. As is usually the case, I write for relief. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders.

My life is not simple. I want it to be. I have a terrible knack for seeing potential, for seeing possibilities, and for filtering much of my vision with a density of positivity and optimism. This works as a two-edged sword, if you would forgive the inadequate expression, because it helps me find the positivity in all things and others around me, at the same time condemning my own lack of follow-through. Self-criticism is important but, as with all things, it must be exercised in temperament. How does one achieve such balance?

Any real change I want to make in myself starts with a change in my desires. I have to seek after something different than what I already have. I want to become a reasonable writer, I want to have an income controlled by my skills and motivation, I want to create a much higher standard of self-control. All steps in the right direction must be small, however, as large steps are harder to reach and always land on shakier footing. This is a concept I could delve into for extended amounts of time but this will suffice. I am tired.

Tomorrow I will be relaxing, stressing, eating, calling people, doing chores, hounding myself, playing games, changing. It will be the only day in existence for me quite like it. It is something special and should never be taken for granted. I will probably do that too.

I write sort of cryptically...

Current mood: contemplative

Or so I have heard it said. Maybe cryptically is not a very accurate description. I am not sure how to put the sentiment I received into words more specific to the message. This particular incarnation of my thoughts is brought about by my recent frustration with the communication breakdowns which seem to frequently occur with me, and my minor epiphany related to said occurrences.

Let me first start a little in front of my point.

I am as direct and honest a person as I can be. I try not to use deceit of any type. I know I am not fully aware of myself, and do not claim how I am sending messages to be anywhere near perfect, but I do try. Cutting out sarcasm is one of my primary goals in communication. Sarcasm - is never direct, usually makes light of something potentially serious, is always misleading to those who are not well-associated with the user of it, takes little commitment and less responsibility, is sometimes used to belittle others often without the victim realizing it, is often a cowardly form of communication, is used to establish false superiority, intellectually or otherwise. The list goes on and on. It is no wonder I am so opposed to this. My recent epiphany is somewhat related to this.

In communication there are always two parties. The party sending the message and the party receiving it. The responsibility for correct communication falls on both parties equally. The short explanation for this concept is simply that, the sender is responsible for what is expressed because it is that persons initiative to send the message, the receiver is responsible for validating the reception of it because of that persons initiative to receive the message. There is certainly much more which could be explored in both short answers, but that would, at this time, distract from the current message I am trying to convey.

I will paint the statement relative to my epiphany in a fairly simple equation. I send messages which are direct = I expect to receive messages which are direct. I know that not every person holds my standards of communication, idealism, and morality. I know that some people do not care to be understood. Naturally there are many factors which frustrate my comfort with this equation. I do not disregard those with a different view on this topic, I simply do not adhere to those views. I can not, in this context, live or conform to other peoples rules or lack thereof. If they want to make a statement, lacking the inclination to communicate efficiently, they have to live with the consequences of the potential confusion created by their poor choices of communication. I have to live with the consequences of the potential confusion created by my misunderstood choices of my communication. If somebody makes a statement to me, regardless of the way they have chosen to communicate in the past, I will, more often than not, take it as a direct statement. This means I try not to add or subtract anything from their statement. Anything implied, intentional or not, will be left out of my interpretation. I try to communicate using direct statements with any implications and I expect the same. As stated before I want to be direct, honest, and avoid all possible deceit.

I think I have given reasonably sufficient backbone to my line of thought on this subject. Obviously there is much more which could be discussed on this topic, it is a vast, complex area of concept and application. This, however, is where I must currently lay this topic to rest. I need to be off doing other things right now anyway.

Is it comedy?

Am I a "Blogger"?

This is the type of place I would be more inclined to place my emotional baggage... I think that is what I will do here. Sure I might include a few notes of the mundane and even a little less than standard. I like to write... I have a thing for the English language. I have a thing for communication. I must admit I like the sound of my own voice, written down included. Thus begins the end? Thus ends the beginning.