Stir me up, me.

Current mood: indescribable

I am compelled by self-disgust to write this. Disgust and ugly are very similar words... I just noticed.

I have had a bevy of other, realistically much more important, thoughts bouncing around through my head for the last "x" number of days or weeks. But this one has the substance of emotion and preeminent

consciousness that is often lacking in what I often deem "more important" in my expressed writing exercises. This one if fueled by confusion. THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYBODY SPECIFIC

I am needing to express. I don't even know what I am expressing. I am sure it seems negative from the outside, I did start this whole thing with the concept of self-disgust, but I don't really feel it is a negative thing. I am a person just like the rest of you. I am unique just like the rest of you. I have a different perspective on things just like the rest of you. I am predictable and unpredictable just like the rest of you. I am one of you, you see, and that is the important part.

I share parts of me that you may not have considered... or even thought exist in me. I take the time to share because it fills a need I have that I can't exactly understand or explain. I want people to know me better. I don't want there to be any secrets. Secrets is an even uglier word to me than I care to express right now. Maybe I will blog about it sometime. I would use the word 'hate' before using the word 'secrets'.

I know part of why I want YOU to know me... why it is that I don't want there to be any secrets. I have this semi-abstract notion that the more YOU know me the easier it is for US to communicate. Like it somehow breathes life into understanding each other on higher, better levels. Like it can somehow put us past the level where I can still hurt YOU... like as if that level exists or something. I have ZERO desire to hurt people EVER... but I go about doing it because I, and WE, am flawed. What a bitter-sweet

learning experience.

This is not a self-pity rant. If you feel this is affecting your mood adversely I apologize! Know that I only want the best for you. And please think about that statement. 'You' does mean anybody taking the time to

read this. Plus I am in a much better mood than it may sound like. I am utilizing emotion right now. It is a crucial, purposeful experience I appreciate now and will appreciate even more so later.

Smile inside if you can't do it on the outside. Take the time to share yourself once in a while... it really is quite refreshing.

AGAIN... THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYBODY SPECIFIC AND SHOULD NOT BE PERCEIVED AS SUCH.

By the way... Self-disgust is a manifestation of my pride in this instance.