Bedtime? What is that?

My sleeping has gotten all out of whack this last month and I do not seem to get any stretches of sleep longer than four or five hours lately. I take a lot of one and two-hour naps at all kinds of random times during the day so I can maintain a little bit of sanity but it definitely needs to change. I really need to get better at going to bed much earlier so that the nap after my morning shift would be more of an optional bonus rather than a necessary maintenance action.

So, why is it that I am still awake? Ha. I do not really know the answer to that question, other than the blessed fact that I do not have to work this morning like I normally do. Too bad I do not actually get to sleep in and take advantage of the non-shift Saturday morning. Whoops!

Normal shift times are good.

And they are even better when I am aware of them beforehand. Ha. I do enjoy me a good catnap before actually getting to it, though, so I am not really complaining. It is more poking like fun at my own misfortune, I would say... which was hardly misfortune in the first place.

Holy super crazy busy time, man! It was definitely the hardest I have seen it be in my recently upgraded position as a tug driver. I felt quite inadequate for the first hour or two of the shift and I hope to be more effective than that next time. Crunch time is a good way to put it. Get-on-the-ball time is the way I feel about it.

Next week should be something quite a bit more relaxing. Another three-day weekend that I will get to take full advantage of in a different state, even. Gotta get me some good practice of all kinds in. Photography, ping pong, and fun-having.

Resuming the original pace.

Work is a strange and wondrous place full of lights, packages, people, machinery, and even more planes, now that the peak season has transitioned back to the non-peak. I think I have a good deal more learning to do and it seems like it should be a fun, challenging path on through it. I really dig my new job.

The unexpected journey to the Unexpected Journey.

If you liked the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I expect you will like The Hobbit. It was a technically upgraded production, with a fun story, good acting, good music, and lots of good fun. Having been a fan of the book one might think the unoriginal elements that were added to the movie might put an old fan off a bit. However, as a student of cinema, I totally understand and even enjoyed the new additions and found them to be a nice way to add a minor element of surprise that would be difficult to manufacture in any other way.

Giving a personal remark on the new "High Frame Rate" technology, I was quite delighted and impressed by it. I did not find it distracting as much as I found it awesome in general. The computer graphics even seemed enhanced by the whole esthetic.

I think I will give this movie an 11 out of 14. A solid cinema experience I would be happy to repeat multiple times.

34 Christmases Down, ∞ More to go!

Here, again, we arrive at the time of the year when I decide to spill out a bit of documentary about the life I have experienced since last I undertook this particular endeavor. I hope I don't run through too many words as dryly as I am often prone to do... this is, after all, intended to be more for the people of my life that actually care about me more than it is for my own self-indulgent satisfaction of expression(because I do actually enjoy writing about myself, in a somewhat narcissistic way... I guess... I think it's fun to examine my own life, so sue me! Ha).

Starting with a comment about life at the present, I will say this: Life has never been better! And now I will write the strange tale of the year that led up to that particular statement.

The early part of the year was nothing too fancy or unusual. School was on par, work was moving smoothly along, and my social life was in roughly the same shape is usually is. There was an unexpected moment of girl interest that was pleasantly motivating for the brief time that it lasted(which has been sadly rare in my life over the last several years) but life in general was moving right along as usual so you'll hear no complaints from me. Good times always come with bad times, they say.

Then, in early March, life gets pretty interesting. My Pops had himself a birthday heart attack/stroke and nearly found his one-way ticket to the other side. It was a challenging time for the whole family. It was a solid reminder of the fragility of life, the impermanence of things we often take for granted, and the true value of the people we love.

I was also invited into a band called Bes around that time of year. I get the distinct privilege of playing(and I use that word to its fullest sense) the bass amongst a delightful array of harmonic musical expressions. The band leader is a refreshingly motivated fellow who loves to get out there and perform a lot so we have made quite a few trips(probably a dozen or so) into the world to display our musical wares ever since we joined forces. It is a great opportunity to improve an art I have too often overlooked over the years. Beautiful music is a beautiful thing to experience.

Rolling on into the summer time things seemed to be returning to "normal" as much as life declares it as such. This was a very short-lived moment, however, as I very unexpectedly lost my awesome job as a driver's ed instructor(I was fired because I forgot to pay off a fix-a-ticket, which I fixed... but forgot to pay off) and simultaneously came down with some sort of illness which made itchy, painful blisters appear all over my hands for a couple weeks or so. The doctor I saw didn't really know what it was but the medication he prescribed seemed to have a slowly improving effect on it which made it go away, for the most part. This was a tremendously rough spot in life which extended out for a month or two or three, as it was quite difficult to find any suitable replacement work and my finances took a fairly massive blow to the face.

It took about a month or so to find some part-time work at the school that I attend, but it is a great job for many reasons even though it does very little to match up to the money I was making at my prior job. Through the people I have met there, and the sheer nature of being at the school much more than I normally am, I have been led to many opportunities I would not have found in any other way. Opportunities which might shape my future in a more positive way than I might have every found at my prior job.

One example of the great opportunities I mentioned would be the help of the career services folks who led me to my second part-time job at UPS. If you know anything about UPS you know it is a great company to work for and, after a year of working there, I will get full benefits at no extra cost even though I am only a part-time employee. This is tremendously awesome since I have not had any benefits for well over a decade and I definitely feel the need to have them! The hours never conflict with anything else I would like to do in life(school, another job, play, etc) and if I am diligent and hard-working I can see staying there long enough to pay off all my student loans before moving on into my chosen profession.

Another example is the opportunity to help form the "Digital Media Production Club" at the school centering around the program of study I am in for the degree I am studying to obtain. Through this opportunity I have already established great connections to people in the industry(which is almost more important than the education itself) and will definitely make many more important connections as we reach out to improve the student body who is interested in taking advantage of what the club can offer. I am quite excited to see what can become of this club and expect many great things in the year to come.

It has been a fairly challenging year. I have been on more of an emotional roller coaster than I am used to experiencing but would not really have it any other way. The things I have learned are a tremendous blessing and the benefits of surviving such challenges definitely outweigh the costs. The people of my life have been the greatest support a person could hope to have! I am quite selfishly happy to have you all in my life! My heart simply feels inadequate to contain all of the love I feel for you all!

I testify that we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father who is highly invested in each one of His children, despite what we may think about His involvement in our lives. None of us can stray beyond His unending love for us. He NEVER gives up on us, even though He alone knows exactly where we have decided we are heading, even if that direction is directly away from Him. He can, and will, send us all help he is allowed to send us if we ever make ANY attempts to find out way back to Him. I am so grateful for this knowledge and hope you all can come to know it as I do, if you do not already, as it is one of the greatest blessings of my life. My love for you is a blessing from Him above and I hope I can do better in my attempts to express that love to you in the future!

Thank you all for being you! Merry Christmas and I hope your new year is as splendid as you need it to be! Big-time digital hugs to you all!

Warmest regards,

Aaron M. Castillo

Ungrateful and self-centered.

I think I have pushed myself far to much into "me" mode over the last decade or so when it comes to holiday giving. What I mean by this is the simple fact that I rarely buy gifts for anybody for Christmas and I generally cite it as a financial burden I can not afford. I have also cited it as a personal aversion to the commercialization of the holiday, which I do feel somewhat justified in, though the other idea, that I would prefer to make the gifts I give, is really the greatest reason for the lack of giving that I tend to exhibit.

This year, because I am still struggling to recover with my financial obligations after having lost my job in the summer, I could have been much more aware of the time commitments necessary to create some good gifts for the important people in my life and actually been much a much more giving individual. I have failed tremendously in this endeavor, sadly, and am only really noticing this too late to produce anything substantial in time for the holiday time frame. Good thing the holidays are not the only time I can offer a gift to those I care about.

So... I need to get on the ball. Make it happen. Give much more of myself than I have grown accustomed to giving. Become a better, more charitable me.

Being tired is a real thing.

Especially since I was dissuaded in my normal attempt to do my online writing last night because of it. Things are back on track, though, so I really should not be making anything big out of it.

I really enjoyed singing a solo today. I have played solos before, on bass, guitar, and mixed with vocals, but have never just plain sung a solo without any accompaniment. It was a challenging but good experience. I would like to do it again sometime. I think I can improve greatly at it which might be a good thing.

A measurable increase in cupcake technology.

I do not know how it is possible but cupcakes have certainly ascended beyond the role of a mere, dainty dessert over the last couple or so years. I suppose much of it would have to do with the abundance of cupcake specialty shops that have opened up which have naturally spurred a bevy of competitively inspired improvements. That said, however, I suppose my vision of cupcake potential used to be blurred by my myopic view of what they simply appear to be. Luckily, my perspective was changed today. I was serendipitously invited to partake in a cupcake experience which exposed to me the potential of quality that lies beneath its simply framed conceptual exterior. It was the best cupcake ever translocated into the amply-sized portal of my mouth, and it was an experience I will not soon forget.

Getting the hang and a new perspective.

I have mentioned it before but it has been a while so it bears repeating I would say... a new workplace begins to visually change as more time is spent working there. Sometimes it is a very transformational sort of change. The easily recognizable changes are expected as responsibilities change, but there is still something that happens in the common areas as well. The size of things just seems to get smaller somehow. I wonder if there is some sort of eternal principle that would describe this idea better.

Every bit of learning.

They are all valuable. I think I overlook the importance of diversity in learning from time to time. I notice the benefits of such diversity whenever I have a class that integrates many different degrees at once and we all seem to teach each other about ourselves. It helps me to see the differences between us but, and I think in many ways more importantly, it also helps me to see our mutual similarities. Always a good lesson to be reminded of in life.

The broken 12-year cycle.

I have voiced my distaste(pun always intended) for the emancipation of recently ingested foodstuffs at least once before, typically citing it is the most undesirable natural bodily function I experience in life. Said distaste is usually elevated to the most vile status of something that is literally "hated" with the intent and fervor which itself falls short of my truer feelings on the topic. A sad inadequacy I am unsure can ever fully be rectified in this life.

It is, therefore, painfully(pun still intended) obvious that I did, in living reality, experience this heinous and detestable act at one(thankfully the only) point during this day, exiling the day as a whole into the chaotic realm of unwanted delirium, barely rescued in its status as a day by the five or more excellent, and wholly contradictory, experiences I was pleased to enjoy nonetheless... even if marred by the preeminent catastrophe's potency of vile treasure.

And now, having expelled this lumbering mass of word chunder, I must lay my mind at ease and retire to the place of potent quality in restoration and removal. My bed beckons gently as a beacon through the fog is silent, intermittently illuminating this day's escape.

Finals week mayhem.

In all the good ways you might not expect. It is an unexpected meeting, or exemplary praise, or the chance to serve the unknown heroes of yesterday. It is also nice to have a nice hot cup of apple cider at the end of it all. A metaphorical exclamation point, I would say.

Tomorrow is an early start time at work so I should have gone to sleep half an hour earlier than the time that I normally should have gone to sleep... which was something like four hours ago... ugh. Fun ugh!

A brand new week.

Though, this is not a very new concept. Nor is my recollection of redundancy. But it is still fun to think about anyway. It kind of seems like a pleasantly easy way to recognize the optimistic perspective in life. This is always a good thing.

It is the last finals week of 2012, as well. I am finally staring down the last 6 or so terms of my first degree(with the possibility of obtaining more in the future) and it feels like I have a lot of work to do yet. My prospects for work are not exactly terrible but they certainly are not exactly evident, either. It is a good motivational thought to carry around, I suppose. Those loans will not pay themselves.

Finals are work.

And even though I seem to run into this pretty much every time they role around, I am always somehow surprised by how little time I seem to leave myself to create a quality product that I can be happy with. It could be that I am simply increasing my expectations of myself, or that I am just too thoroughly talented at procrastinating in an almost subconscious way, but I tend to think it is annoying that I do not really understand how it seems to happen so consistently anyway.

Maybe I simply thrive on pressure more than I realize.

Stumbling through finals projects.

I suppose it should not surprise me that when I really start to get down to the nuts and bolts of my projects that they always find the will to resist me at all ends possible. It is in this, perhaps, that I should have full expectation of consistency in all things worthy of one's best efforts. Life begins to find a path or true, important resistance when I start to see this sort of function as an assumed premise, rather than the unexpected surprise.

Or something like that.

Reaching outside the box.

I really enjoy the resources available at my school. Between the experience of the teachers and the usability of the equipment, the quality of the learning experience is pretty much right where I would like it to be... because it can improve... and I might have the opportunity to help facilitate some improvement.

I believe the "digital media production" club will be a great outlet for useful experience and personal improvement and I feel it can improve the overall school experience for everyone who chooses to involve themselves in just about any capacity. Though I feel that results can also directly scale in tandem with the amount of investment that any student is willing to put forth. The possibility IS there. And an exciting possibility it is!

Deeper thoughts than me.

I think it is always enjoyable to watch, or read, some of the creative and intellectual works of the world. I am not entirely sure why I usually find them inspiring, especially since they can sometimes seem a bit over my head, but I suppose that the little moments of understanding feel like learning at the same time and that is always cool. Plus, it is nice to delve beyond the surface of some things on occasion.

Easing into things one box at a time.

I think I have gotten the best job I could get at the best time I could have gotten it. The way the flow of work changes during the peak part of the holiday season is actually beneficial to my learning opportunity in my new position. In many work situations it might be better to just be thrown into the fire, so to speak. However, a position such as mine, given its inherently dangerous nature, might be better learned in less than fiery conditions. I am thankful for it.

Sometimes, many times, timing is everything.

The wheels of progress.

They are definitely the coolest when they've got some sweet, shiny rims on 'em. I am not sure what that would be, metaphorically speaking, when I am thinking about the goings on at school. I am attempting to establish a new D.M.P. club and I think it could be one of the most potently positive endeavors I could have helped to start. The effectiveness of this endeavor will certainly be the judge of that, I suppose.

I look forward to the introductory meeting next week. It will be interesting to see how well my optimism lines up with reality over the next couple or so months as things start to evolve into being. It is a wonderful opportunity, indeed.

Workin' the work.

I really like seeing how people work in their respective job environments. Job shadowing just about anybody is a highly interesting activity for me. I am not entirely sure why but I can postulate a few reasons.

1. It is interesting because I like to see behind the scenes, so to speak, and watching people work really gives me that sense of illumination about things I could only guess at beforehand.

2. You tend to learn about the character of a person through how he or she functions in his or her position. In a way, it is like improving my relationship with that person, no matter the sort of relationship we have already developed. Even if it is merely on an acquaintance sort of level.

3. It kinda feels like mini-spying. Who doesn't think it's fun to spy? Not me, that's who!

So, I should try to job shadow more often just for the good times like these, if for no other reason. And there are, of course, many other reasons anyway. At least, that is how I see it.

Rockin' the house... or, cafe, rather.

It is nice to accent an otherwise splendid week with a solid performance behind the strings. The audience was responsive and generous with their kindness. I felt like I was generally in the groove with pretty much every song for most of the time(though it could still improve for sure). It was all followed by pleasantries with the onlookers and a tasty caramel hot chocolate for our labors. Ah, the sweet taste of personal success.

We have another show coming up in a couple weekends which I hope does just as well at minimum. I think we can improve a good note or two and hopefully find a new fan or two in the process!

Still getting my feet wet.

It is a good feeling to do better each day. Especially in the realm of my responsibilities and work stuff. I really like to feel like I am valuable to my employer. They do put money in my pocket, after all.

Tomorrow I might get a more loose leash in my new position. It is kinda scary, considering the work environment, but I think I can do a good job... eventually. I just hope I don't jack anybody up, other than myself, if I make any mistakes. That would be no bueno!

Wrapping up the tough stuff.

I love the feeling at the end(or in this case near the end) of every term when all the hardest work is complete and I am then left to wait for a grade. I have a lot of steam to blow off and my brain is able to relax a little. It will take a combination of play and more play to really let it go but I think I can do it. Some ice cream will probably help, too.

Making a club... not a sandwich.

I am quite delighted by the prospect of building a functioning digital media production club at our school and really seeing it benefit the school as a whole. It is a definitely a very big task if it is to be done well but I definitely have the desire and motivation to put forth a great effort to make it happen. Plus, I am glad that I am not on my own in this endeavor as I have a couple good teachers on board to help out.

Things are still in the planning phase but the plans seem solid. The groundwork can be laid out over the next couple or so weeks and by next term I think things can really start to function with some quality efficiency. I look forward to seeing what we can produce!

Who wakes up at midnight?

Apparently, it's me. Though, to be totally honest, I don't think I have ever done that before in my entire life. It was a strange experience, I really have to say.

Thus... Today has been a long day. Plus, I missed my online entries for yesterday... whoops! And now, despite my efforts to actually be a better writer than I was yesterday, I am probably gonna poop out early on this entry too. Some sort of digital pooh, I guess... stuck underneath my keyboard. Ewww.

Well... tomorrow should be extra awesome. So that'll be nice. Hooray for tomorrow!

Crazy cool opportunities.

This was the best work day I can think of experiencing in quite a while for several reasons:

Firstly, I was given a semi-promotion at my UPS job to become a functioning part of the team in a way that I was literally thinking during the shift that I would really like to become. It seems like it will be good for me in a lot of positive ways and, hopefully, I will be a greater benefit to the company through it as well. Though, to be honest, I was not really thinking about the company as much when I was considering how positive it could be to get that position. I am so grateful for the opportunity!

Secondly, I was able to really learn a lot about my potential future career by having the opportunity to shadow working professionals, who are already a part of said career path, who were so kind as to let me help and learn from them all day. It was a tremendously insightful and inspiring and edifying experience! Plus, I got a free sandwich out of the deal. I really need to make sure I continue to work my hardest for them over the several remaining weeks that I get to work with them.

So... I am pretty psyched about life right now. It is definitely something to be thankful for!

Jazzin' up the place.

Playing music in public places is fun to do. Part of it is because I like to listen to the music and part of it is because I like the art of performance. I certainly am not so skilled at the latter but I also really enjoy practicing to somehow get better at it. Even when the temperature is up a little too high.

I did not, however, get enough of my homework done today. I have gobs of homework that need doing as soon as possible. Tomorrow is my personal deadline and I really need to stick to it for once. I know it can be done... I just need to DO IT. So ya... that is my plan for tomorrow. Boom.

Responsibility of creativity.

Sometimes I am compelled to learn and improve so fiercely that I am equally compelled to help lift the level of those around me just to increase the opportunity of my own learning and improvement. It almost seems strange in someways but it certainly seems enjoyable to me in most regards. I do enjoy helping others a lot.

This kind of mentality has gotten me into a position of undeclared leadership, which will lead me to carry a lot of weight in the future as I attempt to build the digital media production club at school, and even though I expect a certain level of failure I similarly expect a good level of success. I really look forward to the experiences altogether.

The beautiful success of friends.

I am thoroughly overjoyed by the success my friends experience, more especially when I am able to help in the process, even if only a little. I have generally enjoyed the experience of vicarious blessings for most of my life, as I am far more focused on the lives of others than I am on my own, and even though I have become somewhat self-focused over the last few years I am still quite thrilled to see good people move up in the world. It is yet another tremendous blessing I am so grateful to enjoy!

Hitting the fan... with my face!

Which is pretty much how this part of every term feels, now that the crunch for finals projects and stuff is already upon me. Actually, it is a little earlier this term since my Art History class is a couple weeks ahead of the curve. Oh, the fun!

Will I make it through it all in one piece? Sure. Will I like it? Probably not while it is happening. What will I think about it after it is all said and done? Some of that depends on how I perform, and other parts of it will leave a profound sense of accomplishment stirring in my bones. Pushing my way through a brick wall tends to do that kind of thing for me.

Day one... again.

In a good way, even. I think this is a mindset that, though it could take some time to get used to, could help me focus on the right things in life with far more consistency than I am prone to doing generally. It is, after all, the truth of life, correct?

Today IS the first day of the rest of my life. Tomorrow will be that as well. And on with the next ad infinitum. Oh, the blessings of time!

The first day of the rest of my life.

I think that idea might be somewhat of an oxymoron... or maybe a conundrum... I am not too sure, either way. In any case, today feels like the beginning of something new. Not tremendously different, but new, nonetheless. This is the way every day should feel, in all reality.

I like to be optimistic about life as a whole. I know I fall short in that desire in certain areas of life(like my ideas about finding a girl) but I actually am optimistic about pretty much everything else. School keeps me learning, work keeps me bill-paying, sports keep me semi-healthy, and music keeps me full of creative motivation. One day(and hopefully it is not just "one") I will likely be optimistic about the girl stuff but I guess I just have to be patient about it for now.

This will be a tough but good week. Mostly because of school stuff but nothing I can not handle in general. This is a small piece of my optimism.

Planing the disc.

I feel like there could be some sort of life metaphor likened to the act of getting a better thrown disc to level out and fly flat. I really have no idea what it could possibly be so I guess I will just leave it alone for now.

I really enjoyed disc golfing today because I feel like I made a pretty good break-through in my technique/style. It is all just baby steps I guess but I think each noticeable step is pretty significant no matter the size. At least I am sure that can have some sort of life metaphor parallels.

So... onward and upward, I suppose... or onward and forward... really far.

Black and blue Friday.

Even though I did not work at any given point during the day I still participated in the "Black Friday" insanity through the simple purchase of something on sale online. No, I did not have to stand in any physical line under looming possibility of my own bodily detriment. I did, however, miss a good sale that I would have liked to taken advantage of. Meh. Better luck next time, I suppose. I can take my lumps like a man every now and then.

And that was the hardest part of my day. I certainly could claim that four or so hours in the cold rain was rough but the fact is that I chose to be out there. And it was fun, even! I like flinging discs around a lot, I suppose.

Now, it is back to work for me. My paycheck really missed the last two days of non-work but I can not really complain. It is all good in any case.

The gift of gratitude.

I am grateful for the sincere feeling of gratitude I have when I consider the bounteous blessings with which I am blessed.

I am grateful for the challenges of improvement in every area of life which I am lacking the level of skill I one day hope to have.

I am grateful for the diversity of people and the knowledge that we share a great level of commonality despite our vast differences.

I am grateful for the verbally unspoken warmth of my family's love.

I am grateful for a break in the pace of things where I get to basically sit and think about things mundane as well as things important or interesting.

Sideways rain.

It has been a while since I have experienced this kind of elemental extremity, so I certainly can not complain for any real reason, but whoah was it something else this morning! My pants were soaked for hours after my shift. I definitely need to wear my snow pants next time.

Thus,

I am grateful to own snow pants to make my life warmer and dryer.

I am grateful to have cool teachers that really seem to care about me and my actual learning.

I am grateful to enjoy a game or two with good friends.

I am grateful for a day off once in a while... even two days off, once in a while, are nice.

I am grateful to learn more and more about the career I am pursuing on a daily basis.

Gratitudial duty.

I am grateful that I am quite exhausted right now and look forward to the bed as if it is a good meal... which it might be... for my mind.

I am grateful for the feeling that I often get good deals when I shop for things even if the reality is that I am not getting such good deals... I may never know whether I am or not but that does not really matter.

I am grateful that my poor little car has been so faithfully reliable for as long as it has. I really need to give him an oil change as soon as possible.

I am grateful for new things to learn at work every day I am there. It is always that way when a person is new to a job, but I think the variety of things to learn at my newest job is quite extensive.

I am grateful for my semi-efficient creativity and ability to find seemingly good ideas about potentially challenging and complex problems. The puzzles of life are meant to be solved in pieces.

Gratitude week begins.

I am thankful for tons of cool friends who like to eat lots of free food with me.

I am thankful for a splendid art history class that reminds me about the importance of prayer.

I am thankful for my job and all the awesome things it helps me look forward to.

I am thankful for the ability to think a lot and express some of those thoughts with a little clarity once in a while.

I am thankful for music and riddles and optimism, not necessarily in that order or even bundled together in that way.

I am thankful that it was not even hard to think of at least five different, important things that I am thankful for right now.

The homestretch into Thanksgiving week.

Maybe I would call this the anchor lap. Shouldn't be too tough since midterms are over now. Though I know I certainly have a good amount of work cutout for me in a couple of my classes, anyway.

Going from a simple, easy, non-day, into a straightforward, non-lethargic, piece of time. Probably does not sound too fun but I think it will be just dandy!

Rain the old man away.

Today I opted to skip the Turkey Bowl excitement because of the cold, rainy weather and it made me realize that I am probably starting to get to that point in life where my age is actually a factor. I am sure it actually has been a factor for quite a while but mentally I have not really yielded to my body's protests very much over the years... which is probably why my back is not very happy with me right now. Ha.

So, despite my decision to skip out on what is normally a very fun activity, I had a good day with some friends anyway. All kinds of good in a totally different way.

Time and a half is my friend!

I just found out that every hour after five hours in a shift is overtime(I worked almost seven hours today). Score! My paycheck will be slightly happier... which is nice since that is "Black Friday" and whatnot. So, I guess this is the good news of the day for me.

Beyond that, I am quite past my bedtime and my eyes are pretty heavy so I suppose I will cut this entry even shorter than normal for me. Whoops.

Sleeping with the lights on.

Sometimes I catch myself walking through life in a bit of an auto-pilot mode wondering what the heck I have been doing for so long... it is usually a stirring revelation that I tend to forget the importance of fairly quickly. Today has not actually been one of those times, though, it feels like it could have been if I were paying better attention. Maybe today was one of those moments in between that could serve as a reminder anyway.

Midterm mayhem.

I am glad to be through the testing part of midterms week but still a bit trepidatious about the homework I have left to complete before Friday night. The sad fruits of procrastination, I am loathe to say. I am definitely going to eat a big ol' bowl of ice cream when I am done with that stuff. I don't even care if it's on sale or not by the time I need(yes, I am using the word "need") to go buy it. Yum!

Rush into zombieness.

The day was, in general, a pretty typical day. All of that changed, however, when my band mate called me up and invited me to a Rush concert. Against my better judgement I decided it would be my evening activity in lieu of the sleep that would be revitalizing me at the moment. I thought "hey, free Rush tickets should not be passed up"... or something to that effect. Tomorrow I might think something different.

The Monday non-blues.

It is always a nice thing when Monday's are relatively easy. This is mainly because I know the next couple or so days will be somewhat challenging by comparison.

I have to say, if I have not said it before, that I am actually quite glad for my daily commute. It is a grand and peaceful moment of contemplation and planning that I am not sure I would find in any other way. I often have lots of ideas to sort through about all kinds of projects and plans for the future. Of course, and somewhat frustratingly, I produce a veritable crop of good intentions which are never realized by my diligence, or lack thereof. But, to some degree, this is certainly not the worst thing ever either. I do drive quite a bit... which means I get to plan quite a bit. I suppose it is simply a matter of planning time/doing time ratio imbalance. Either way, I am glad for the opportunity.

Rolling into midterms week again... for the nth time.

I few more days more and the midterm week will officially be bygone and my stress level will diminish a small piece or two. I have a crumb-load of work to do by then but I suppose that is nothing new by any stretch. Tomorrow morning is a plan for work done-getting time. The day will be filled in by several more of those as expected. Focus is the key to the whole melee. Though, I am sure it needn't be explained in such a flurry of strange, disjointed phrases as these of this paragraph.

Life is a many splendorous thing. That's what I heard once, anyway. I'll agree to it from my perspective. Glad to be a participant on such a regular basis!

Rolling with the shoot.

Today was the second day of my big shoot and it was quite a learning experience. There is SO much to do and doing it all on your own would basically be impossible. I am so glad to have the help I have had.

I think we made a pretty good dose of progress today. The weather was beautiful, though certainly on the cold side, and it made for some excellent shots. I look forward to seeing what happens with the footage in post production.

Cold on the knees.

Winter has come into town with rip-roarin' fashion on its boots. Shooting the production still rocks my socks. Hearing and heaven are not too far from the truth. The weekend is as long as the lines between it. Murky metamorphosis just for fun.

Annual Piemas festivity.

Since today was basically a non-non-work day, except for the brief pie-laden exploration of a couple or so hours ago, I will keep my remarks brief and to the pie-tipped point.

I enjoy uncommon, friendly gatherings, the smiles and funny quips, with the sweet smells of the holidays wafting through the air. I am glad for such grand folk in my life and equally glad they open the door to me from time to time.

Long day accomplishment.

These longs days are definitely a challenge and every time I survive the entire span of one I need to be proud of myself. Tomorrow will definitely be a collateral challenge but it will certainly be much more manageable than today's experience was. Well... that is the expectation, anyway.

The steepening hill.

So... four more years of increasing social trials. I suppose for those who make it out the other side of it alive will be made stronger for having survived it... but that number of fair folks will certainly be smaller. I hope I am blessed enough to be listed among their ranks. I am certainly glad to have survived the first four years... even if only by the skin of my teeth. The thin skin of my teeth.

Building motivation.

It feels like it is something that literally needs to be constructed in my life in order for it to have the proper effect. I certainly have the general desire of finding a suitable companion but it is not, in and of itself, actual motivation. I wonder why I have not really noticed this before?

So, I am all kinds of talk, when it comes to what things should be done. Where is my walk, one might ask? Somewhere lost in the wasteland of my gaping mindscape I suppose. There could be worse places for it, I suppose.

We be jammin'.

And it is just all kinds of fun and a few kinds of games as well. The challenge is certainly there and I have a long way to go before I expect to feel proficient as well. I am not really sure how we are getting by as well as we are but I am grateful the audiences have been so kind.

PLUS, it is daylight savings and I get to sleep a little longer than expected. Who doesn't think that is totally awesome?!

Hooking into hobbies.

I am enjoying disc golf more and more these days. I guess it comes with the increase of enjoyable shots and the further expectation of better shots to come. It is a very natural path of progress in any endeavor, I suppose, but, as with pretty much any sport, the feeling of performing something well also has a physically positive manifestation to associate to the emotional ones that come with improvement. I apologize for laboring through such a simple concept with such verbose expressions.

I look forward(as is basically perpetual with me anyway) to all kinds of things that life is sending my way. I am certainly blessed beyond my worthiness for them!

Learning about hazardous materials.

Today I learned how to be a safer employee. Despite the material having a very dry quality to it I was still able to maintain a useful enthusiasm without much difficulty. My body, lacking the proper level of restful awareness, had a few other things in mind at a couple different points but I think it went pretty well overall. I suppose I will know how certified I am tomorrow when we get our tests back.

Straight from class.

Due to the timing of the class I am currently in, and how much later it runs beyond my intended sleeping schedule, I feel inclined to do my writing now before I get home and have to consume some of my valuable time once I am there before going to bed. I hope I have the ability to actually lay an interesting thought or two down despite these circumstances.

I have to say that I really enjoy ethics class(which must obviously be recognized as the class that I am currently sitting in) for several reasons. I like the lively, generally intellectual conversation. The personalities are an interesting mix. The conceptual theories are generally relevant. It is all kinds of fun stuff.

I feel like I should probably get back to the act of participation in my education now... so, I will have to be off now. Better luck next week!

Day one of many to come.

I think I am going to like it at "brown". It is oozing all kinds of stability and future positivity. I know the work is far from glamorous, and that it may be a decent chunk of time before it really begins to pay off, but the benefits of working there and all the good experience associated with the whole job at large seem inevitably excellent. I am not sure I have made as many good moves in life as this one may turn out to be. Though, I suppose only time will tell for sure.

Super duper early.

My new job starts at 4:15am and I think it will be a bit of a challenge to adapt to. Luckily, I think the morning is my favorite time of day. Unluckily, I have not been so good at getting to bed at a good time for quite a while. Now, because this job is extremely important to me, I am quite motivated to get to bed at a reasonable time. Heck yes!

I am honestly quite excited to get used to this schedule. Life only gets better in ways I can not even describe. I guess I am greedy for a better life. Ha.

Holy, early-pants!

I have no idea where that phrase originated from within my brain... it is a simple, profound expression of exclamation, though, so that is the point I guess.

I start a new job on Tuesday morning at 4:15am and I feel quite obliged to make the early-to-bed-early-to-rise thing start to happen tonight so that I am a little better prepared for it. I really do not remember the last time I retired this early outside of any day where I was seriously ill. It feels like I might have only done this a few times in my whole life. And now, because of my new-found employment, it will likely become the norm for me. Oh, the things we do for financial security.

This week should be an interesting one. I am on the verge of good things in life. It is a tremendously excellent thing indeed!

Tie tin... or some sort of clash, I guess.

I think there are a lot of ways to make a fool out of oneself. Many of those ways are actually fun, though, and I think a lot of people overlook the simple delights of exploring the wild side once in a while.

Tonight was prime example number infinity in my book. I had a good time everywhere I went while I was in costume. Even if nobody else was wearing anything I immediately seemed to become the holiday all by myself. And all of this, luckily enough, in a fairly inconspicuous manner. What a beautiful day indeed!

Moustache is king.

Or, so I am told. And I tend to believe it for the time being. It is a good way to think at this time of year.

I really enjoyed the motivational jumping-off point that was the Movember kick-off party tonight. The people were all delightfully positive with plenty of substance to back up their smiles. I hope I am able to hold up my end of the bargain with all the panache they would hope of me.

Moving into an exciting weekend.

Tomorrow I get to start working on the video production of a potentially influential piece of work. The audience could be immense and if I am prepared well enough it could be a great opportunity for the future.

If it does not turn into much else beyond a simple, quality experience I am quite okay with that also. I just hope we can make a positive difference for other people of the world too!

School is super cool.

I am really digging my classes this term. I may have already said this before multiple times, I don't know, but I feel like the emphasis of repetition is warranted in this case. Every class looks to be something of a delightful learning experience.

I really dig all the thinking I get to engage in for ethics class. We have a very lively group of well-thought individuals. They have some interesting opinions on all kinds of topics. Much of what we talk about is somewhat related but I really enjoy looking at things from so many different angles. Especially the deep topics like good and evil, moral and ethical choices, and some of the historical figures who were generally vocal on said topics.

I have a lot of work, no doubt, but I know it will all be for my good, beyond already being fun and engaging.

Minor oversight, big repercussions.

This is how my life feels sometimes. The age of automation has its plusses but it has certainly had its share of negatives as well.

I do not expect any lenience for my automated carelessness but I would like a little automated assistance to minimize my faulty behavior in the future. That would definitely be something I would happily work to achieve. Somewhat of a strange conundrum, I suppose: work hard to automate your life.

Life doesn't need to be so difficult.

But I seem determined to make it that way from front to back. I had basically five days to do a couple or so hours worth of homework and I seemed to think that cramming it all in right as it was due was somehow acceptable... perhaps even preferable? I do not understand myself sometimes.

So... This next time I will do something different. I need to trick myself into thinking my deadline is sometime much earlier than it actually is. Maybe I need a hypnotist or something. That would be pretty handy to have sometimes.

Finding a new habit.

Habits are such a challenge in so many ways. Building a habit is difficult. Breaking a habit is nearly impossible. Is there anything in between? Perhaps the mere definition of a habit precludes the possibility that there could be anything in between.

I have been basically whining about my inability to build a good sleeping habit for I do not know how many years. Admittedly, I have not been very methodical in my approach to rectify this particular challenge. I honestly can not remember the last silly little plan I concocted in an attempt to that effect, but I doubt its momentum or positive improvement level had any serious traction to account for. It probably means that I prefer whining about it more than actually changing myself in the positive ways I expect I could.

I guess I even enjoy whining about whining. What an ugly word. Ha. I need to find a new topic next time I think I might have something cool or interesting to say about my lame sleep habits. At least I might be getting a job that improves my need for better sleep habits. THEN we will see what I do to adapt.

Not enough "do" time.

Too much "later" was in full effect today. It was really quite a disappointing thing. I have a tremendous need to improve my ability to overcome procrastination at will. I am sure simple self-discipline would suffice.

It is interesting calling it self-discipline. It sounds like it could mean that when I do not do something I know I should, that I should punish myself in some way. There could certainly be a certain level of danger in such things but I think it can be done tactfully, and appropriately, as well. I am sure I should do something to make a change... perhaps discipline is in order.

Make better plans.

And then follow through with them the best and most efficient way possible. Falling short of ideal is totally fine, though, as any action is always better than none. I need to remind myself of these facts more frequently so the paralysis and inaction keep a greater distance from me.

Round two: the unexpected acceptance.

I have never before, at least to my recollection, been told by an interviewer that I am "saying exactly the things" the interviewer wanted to hear. Without actually extending me an offer on the position(which was simply not something he was even able to do, pending background check and secondary approval) I feel like his statement was essentially just that. I think I will patiently wait for the call to come through. It will be glorious when it does.

Lively ethical treatment.

Or something of that sort. I just started my ethics class tonight and was quite impressed with not only the content that we covered but the interesting discussion that was generated because of it. It looks like this term will be quite intellectually satisfying in all regards.

We even had a sunny, clear sky thrown in for good measure today. The temperature was not particularly warm but it definitely was comfortable. A nice addition to the day's already good motif.

Thankful for the lines.

Today I had an epiphany about the importance of the lines in the road. The depth of my thoughts went pretty far down but I will simplify them a bit here. Lines are constantly saving lives. I am thankful for it.

Video games might squelch greatness.

It might be a bold assertion for how little proof of concept that I might have regarding it but there is technically a virtual mountain of evidence to support my claim. Namely, the fact that they were not even around for the bulk of human history and a myriad of great people came about all over the place. It was a pretty happenin' earth for quite a while, even. All kinds of loaded with the great people of history. What did they ALL have in common? I don't know. Except, MOST(far greater than 99% of them) never even played a video game in his or her entire life! So, what the heck am I doing lately?!

Casual fun.

Continuous planning.

It has come upon me to become a better daily planner. Each day needs to have a solid, clear outline of potential happenings. I already to some degree of this in my mind but putting things down in writing will definitely serve to leverage and improve my efficiency and commitment to getting the good things done. Making a new checkbox sort of list seems good. Maybe I can put my iPod to good use for this task. I know it will be a challenge. I somewhat wonder what the unseen benefits will be.

Lost in the music.

But it definitely could have been in the better way. The usual implication construed by the title of this post makes it seem like I was so involved with the music that it was a somewhat ethereal/soul changing experience... when, in fact, it is more that I think we were a bit "out of gas" during our set tonight and could stand to learn some covers in order to fill the space more appropriately. We certainly do not have three full hours of quality music to play, anyway. It was a good learning experience to say the least.

Beautiful musical beauty.

I am quite taken when a woman displays such wonderful musical capability. I am even more taken when her capability is also exquisite to my taste. Both of these clunky sentences feel inept to describe what I am trying to say. Needless to say, a great impression has been made on me tonight.

My band had fun playing in a show at a cafe with several other performers. They were all excellent, entertaining, and enjoyable musicians. Sincerely. The final performer was a beautiful woman with an even more beautiful gift of song. It is the second time I have seen her perform. I look forward to seeing more in the future. She is phenomenal.

Now I need to really step up my game and get some things together on my end of the musical world. More practice is required!

What can I do for brown?

I had the opportunity to meet a couple potential employers at a job fair thing at the school today. It was a fairly positive experience which leads me to believe I might soon find a new form of employment which can have a tremendous impact on the stability of my life situation. It could happen as early as Tuesday, even. The prospect is somewhat thrilling.

I have a new found motivation to simply "get things done" in a way that feels somewhat fresh and useful. I generally always have that kind of feeling but after losing my last job it had certainly become quite subdued, relatively speaking. It kind of feels like an old friend has come back into my life.

Even more tools at my disposal.

I took a stab at a new web design program by Adobe today. It has been around in beta, and recently full release, for more than a year but I have been sidestepping it for longer than I probably should have. The world is all up in commotion now that Flash has been forced into retirement/evolution and I was choosing to sit on the fence while the train was still moving. I know Flash has a good set of legs under it still, and I am frankly thrilled by the potential it still offers me, but I am now quite happy to be taking the new kid on for the future leg of the race.

Why did I get so metaphorical/symbolic with this post? I do not really know... but there it is. I guess it is something fun to do once in a while.

Back to the life.

I have been travelling for the last four days and am quite glad to finally be back home... where the internet roams... and the skies are generally cloudy all day. Glad to be back to my wandering blog postery as well.

It was a very pleasant weekend. I even went to a place essentially new to me(even though I have technically been there before) which is always a fun sort of thing to do. I really enjoyed the triple-berry shake at Sammy's, too.

Montana is a tremendously cool place. I did not get to explore any of it, per se, but travelling through it certainly made an impact on me. It is a tremendously, and uniquely, beautiful place!

Anyway... life rolls on. Gotta hit the sack soon in order to enjoy it as ridiculously much as I am planning to.

Served in service.

I am always deeply impressed by those who would offer me their personal, sincere charity. I often do not feel worthy of such blessings but am always inspired that I need to try harder to do more in return. It is an ever-losing battle but one I am happy to fight.

Finally finals.

Except, I am not quite done with them all. Though I feel like I have made nearly enough progress in the last day or so to feel okay about things. It looks like a very good chance that I will maintain my grade point average where I want it to be. This is a pleasant, somewhat unexpected turn of events, even.

Slightly less procrastination.

Even just a little bit less procrastination really helped my productivity this term. I am actually going to get some sleep tonight and that is definitely not what is normal for me. This is even more unexpected considering the heavier workload this term compared to the previous terms.

I am glad I actually found a place to be productive today. I stayed away from my distracting places for quite a while and really put my shoulder to the wheel whilst doing so. I expect it will reflect positively in my grades.

Lots of projects to do.

I think this might be the greatest concentration of finals project homework that I have had during any term up to this point in my schooling. All three of my classes require a fairly extensive final project. And I am down to the final day to complete it. Fun.

I am reasonably far along with all of them but do have a lot of work yet to do before any of them are finished. It should be a good and grainy ride tomorrow. I am not really sure what that could mean but it sounded like it fit in my mind... so there it is. Fun, again.

Back to square two.

Which is not the desired square to be on... but still better than square one, I would say. I have a good idea which direction to be heading but I am not sure exactly how to get there. Hopefully I can keep my ear to the pipeline and hear something good to follow.

The days before me.

They are certainly something different than the days behind me. I guess it is all a matter of perspective, though, as this is obviously not anything revelatory or profound. I feel like it is the middle point of some greater change in life nonetheless. And looking forward is usually more interesting than looking backward.

Super busy is actually fun.

I do not remember the last time I had a work shift that was as busy as today's was. I did a wide variety of things and did them nearly non-stop from beginning to end. It was a very fulfilling shift, needless to say, and I hope I get to enjoy more like it in the future. It is probably more of a timing thing since the end of the term is coming up as next week is finals week but I might get lucky at other times too. Good times!

Still getting things done.

I pretty much got all the footage I need for my final projects now and look forward to editing the crumb out of 'em. It was a long, semi-arduous day but the high level of productivity was right on for my tastes. Tomorrow looks to be another fine follow up if I am diligent as planned.

Rad people make life radder.

And it is likely also true that red people make life redder... but that is not really the point I am intending to make.

Today has been a unqualified great day. This is the case because of the people in my life that have enhanced it through their kindness, their examples, and their overall general awesomeness. I am quite blessed for having them in my life!

Continuous Rush.

Even though I am doing better at getting to bed earlier, and am thusly far more lucid than is normal for me during the writing of these entries, I feel the certain need for sleep and tend to prioritize it over the potential quality I might contribute to my thoughts here. This is probably not a surprise in some respects. I should probably start thinking of this even earlier in the evening to make full use of my thoughts in the future.

Super tough.

I have to say that a hard grading teacher is definitely something good for me. I am humbled every time I get a paper back full of red ink, like the blood of my soul has escaped from my meager work onto the skin of the paper. Learning through the failures is a most instructive thing indeed.

Actually doing it.

I am quite glad to be going to bed this early for once! I think it has been quite a while since I last went to bed before midnight. What a sad thing it is that I actually can not remember when that actually happened last. It probably says something about me in a way I probably should not appreciate. Ha.

It is a nice way to start the week off, however, and I intend to make the best out of this one. I have a lot of work ahead of me but I am quite up for the challenge.

Back in action.

I have to apologize for my brief vacation of posting here over the last four or so days. I was without internet, as I have been housesitting and neglected to get the network password, and could not make any posts because of it.

Today I rode a bike for about thirty-two miles, from Tukwila to Pike's Place Market and back, and found it to be a thoroughly enjoyable activity in almost every way. It felt like a nostalgic trip from my history in several ways as well as reminded me of my poor fitness level over the last year or two. I think I will feel even more of those reminders over the next couple or so days. Fun!

I could write more about the last several days but there has not been much worth writing about in my generally unenergized state of being... gotta be smarter about doing all this stuff when I am mentally more present... as if that is anything new!

Tired like a rock... might be tired.

If I anthropomorphize a rock, it only seems appropriate to make it seem lazy. I am also lazy, as indicated by my title, and will now be crashing into my bed full force. Yeah.

The joys of performance.

We had a pretty fun gig tonight. The audience was quite small, numbering roughly six or so people(excluding the employees of the venue), but they were a fun crew nonetheless. And even though it may seem somewhat a somewhat dismal situation in general, I am quite glad to see the lead man of my band happy to put on whatever show we could muster up anyway. This makes performance for the sake of performance a highly pleasant thing to experience.

This makes me more optimistic about the future of the band, which I was already quite optimistic about in the first place. I need to practice more and more and more to help make it all happen!

Learning how to do cool things.

There are many, many things one can learn which can change life in dramatically useful ways. Learning to use tools of just about any kind are some of those exceptionally useful ways and I always like the empowering feeling of finding new tools. Life just gets better every time this happens.

I guess I will leave it at that for now, since it is entirely way too late for me to be awake... as usual. Ha. Good times.

A burgeoning disc golf career.

Although, to call it a career might sound like I plan on making money with the sport, when, in fact, I have no intention of anything like that. It looks to be a lengthy, fun journey nonetheless.

One thing for sure is the fact that the next time I decide to purchase a disc I need to be smarter about the color of the disc. The first one I got is a dark red which basically disappears when the sun is starting to go down. Next time I will get a neon one.

It is a fun sport. You should go try it sometime if you have not done so already. Good times will be had!

What are the effects of sleep deprivation?

I pose the question because, even though I have ample experience in the mire of said circumstance, it does not mean I am properly qualified to identify everything that is happening to me. Especially since, as senses and thinking becomes impaired by such, it becomes more difficult to actually recognize many of the changes. Beyond the general haze which infiltrates the brain I tend to think some semi-serious sorts of things are happening that should probably be paid attention to.

Tonight I will actually get nearly eight hours of sleep since I do not have to leave for work until about 12:20pm or so tomorrow. This is an exciting prospect. I hope to take full advantage of it.

Learning to read.

It is probably a somewhat strange thing that I am terrible at reading books. It has been this way my entire life and, despite my meager efforts to improve the situation, I have increased my book reading capabilities very little. It is quite a frustrating thing to deal with. This is most true when I need to read something for school(or some other endeavor of importance).

Now, because I have slacked on my reading it has cost me a full letter grade in one of my classes. Well, that is what I expect to happen anyway. How frustrating it is to know I could have done something different and better, but did not.

One might think that I am addicted to non-reading. How silly it is that I probably write more than I read.

A basic obligation.

I feel like it is important to point out why there are holes in my consistency about posting an entry daily here. There are pretty much just one of two possible reasons:

1. The internet was down long enough for me to not have time to wait for it to come back on.

2. I pulled an all-nighter and did not actually go to sleep that night(the much more common of these two reasons).

There is the very rare occasion that I simply forget to write before crashing out that night but that has only happened a handful of times over the last decade plus, so I do not really consider that a general reason for my misses.

This all paints a fairly clear picture of my poor sleeping habits and I hope I am able to get things under control soon, if for nothing else than my sanity.

The fallacy of memory and importance.

This is one of those times where I did actually remember that thing I wanted to remember when I was thinking about things earlier. It is often the case that I have a seemingly(and I would argue realistically) useful or important line of thought running around in my head that would be good to write about, yet, when the time comes for me to actually get anything down in writing, usually at some point much later in the day, I seem to be grasping at straws and am unable to reclaim that once important line of thought at all.(sorry for the long sentence) When this happens, I almost always hear the line, "well, if you can't remember it now, it probably wasn't that important to begin with," but I am now tending to think there is not any powerful logic to support that assumption. In fact, I tend to think that the important/useful thoughts are being lost to lack of immediacy every day because of the nature of life. Good/important/useful things are met with equal resistance to their level of importance, which would naturally lead to a greater challenge when trying to retain them since life wants them to just go away. I believe, now, that the most important thoughts of inspiration need to be recorded right away in order for them to reach their greatest level of efficiency and importance. Just figuring out how to do it is now the challenge I need to figure out.

That was a long paragraph. This is a very short one.

I guess there is always a lot of room for improvement in my theory here but I am glad it stuck around for me to repeat it tonight. I was thinking of it somewhere around five or so hours ago so I am glad it had a good shelf life today. I wonder if it kind of punches holes in this whole post in the first place? Ha.

The various duties of my job.

They are fairly broad and non-specific, which is actually the way my attention deficit-mind tends to like things. Variety keeps things interesting. I feel like I have a little freedom to stretch myself a little bit in areas I am not so knowledgeable in already. It is nice to feel like the job will allow you to grow.

Narcolepsy... kicking in...

I learned somewhere that it is possible to develop narcolepsy. I also learned that once one develops narcolepsy that there has not been a cure found for it and the victim will have it the rest of his or her life. I honestly feel that I have a very minor form of it, which is already somewhat annoying in its own right, but I think it could definitely get worse if I do not change my sleeping habits soon.

The bigger question, then, might be better addressed to my motivations. What is it that keeps me up to this crazy hour?

I think I will just let that question hang in the air for now. No external speculation at the moment.

Further into the scripting madness.

The further I go with the combat system I get to program the further my mind likes to race into the possibilites of what I might do with it. I would like to create something fun, innovative, and intuitive. A definite challenge for anybody making a game. I think I am up for that challenge.

Back to the grindstone.

I really know how to waste a perfectly good day. I am sure there are varying levels of this skill... and I tend to think I am somewhere in the upper percentile as far as my capability therein. It is a little depressing but I think it can be something that might come in handy as well.

Either way... the rest of the week kind of puts that all on hold. I have so many other things to be doing. I am glad to have a job to mix in with my schooling!

An actual holiday off.

I do not remember the last time I actually got the holiday off like everyone else does. Most of my jobs have worked extra hours on the holiday because it is a day people are more available, or are more involved with retail. Tomorrow will be something different for me.

Unfortunately I have not made any specific plans for awesome stuff to be going on... but I will enjoy sleeping in nonetheless.

Hiking up the hill.

It always takes us to new elevations. It is especially nice when the view is nearly limitless once we reach the top. It is important to be careful that we do not forget the beauty on the way up as well. All it takes is putting one foot ahead of the other, over and over again, with the will and determination despite all obstacles. The reward is definitely worth it as long as you are prepared to receive it.

Too many good things.

When I was asked what I was specifically going for, as it relates to my schooling and education goals, I had to give the response that I was not sure exactly. He assumed I was trying to focus on a specific thing that related to one of the clubs we were participating in at the time. It was a natural thing to assume since that is what we were both a part of at the time. It made me think a bit about all the different things I like doing, which are a part of the degree I am trying to obtain, and I enjoy doing so many different aspects of the learning curriculum that it leaves me a little unfocused as to my main goals with the program... other than directing... which sort of incorporates all of the elements.

I have a little less than two years left to figure all that stuff out. I guess that is not really a problem I have to deal with at the moment... though, I definitely need to avoid procrastinating the time I tackle it more directly.

Time is the key.

Even though I have said it before in some form or another, I am quite certain that the key to a happy productive life is found in the ability to effectively manage one's time. Okay, so I may not have said anything like that in the past but I am sure I have said many things related to that idea that basically add to its relevance and potency.

To add a little clarity, I do not think that the time itself is what produces the desirable results but, rather, it is what creates greater opportunity to experience life in the ways one prefers to over the ways one subjects themselves to. It is yet another element of free agency and one's opportunity to express that agency through the basic decision-making process.

I should certainly work harder to become a better manager of time. This is a focus that can only have positive dividends, should I undertake such an endeavor. Everybody, not just me, gains from it in some way or another.

Capturing moments in motion.

It has been quite a while since I have video shot a band playing a gig. It is a definite challenge but an enjoyable one with the right tools. Tonight we were lacking a little bit of those tools but were otherwise fine in the driver's seat throughout the set. I am definitely in the right field.

Lackluster performance.

I have neglected to turn in a homework assignment in one of my classes and it has drastically affected my grade. Even knowing this I am still somewhat reluctant to actually do the assignment, even though I know it could mean that I am corrupting my perfect 4.0 grade point average. I suppose this goes to show that I detest doing work that makes me feel crumby inside. The work itself is quite pure, though, it is really just the fact that I feel I would be somewhat dishonest if I were to do the work as it is intended to be done. This is certainly all my fault, there is definitely no one else to blame, and I think the whole ordeal should be teaching me something important. I suppose I should pay close attention to what is happening over the next couple or so weeks.

Doing the things I love.

Between school/work and the various activities of my regular life I am starting to get more into the creative production efforts I have been seeking for many years. Some of it has to do with music, some of it is specifically audio-related, and some of it is specifically video-related. Heck, I could even be writing and drawing more if I felt the need. It makes life quite a bit more exciting than it usually seems to be.

It is a different kind of feeling, as well. Almost a responsibility that I am not really used to. It means that I have to up my game and produce higher-quality results. And, as I already have high expectations of myself to begin with, I feel quite behind the ball in some of my efforts. I guess that is part of the motivational factor to improve, though, so I do not necessarily think it is a bad thing.

The weather is pretty much awesome lately. I think it may have an effect on the positive feeling in all the other areas of life, too. This is something I generally do not take the time to notice, or even give credence to, when I look at all the various factors of success. I guess I do not like to think that the weather really makes a difference most of the time. I guess I can concede it has at lease some impact... though, I will not make the claim that it is a dramatic factor. Just enough to get a paragraph's worth of mention.

Now, a new, potentially glorious week, is ahead of me. This one will be quite a mix of high-quality activities if all goes according to plan. Oh, lucky me!

Hot summer day throwing things through the air.

I think disc golf(also known as frisbee golf) is a positively entertaining sport. I have not played more and four or so rounds in total but think I have made a fair assessment on the level of fun that it has for me. Today I realized that it is sort of a hybrid between hiking and throwing things. Both are activities that, by themselves, are quite enjoyable. They clearly gain strength in a synergistic fashion here.

I look forward to throwing things through the woods sometime in the near future.

Life after week.

Will still be just as sweet. Or even more sweet, even.

I get to sleep. I get to play. I get to learn and experience.

People make it all worth it... people, which are actually friends... not people.

Brainpower.

Some jobs require very little use of my brain throughout the course of any given shift. I would say a job like that typically requires a little more use of the physical in order to be worth the time you are getting paid... although that is certainly not entirely true. Then, there are some jobs that do not really utilize your brain or your braun in order to make things happen. Those are usually the most boring jobs on the planet. And my new job might be something like that under common circumstances. I did, however, find an unexpected solution to this potential challenge. I suppose I will simply call it superfluous effort on my part.

Today I had a medium-sized task to undertake which I decided to complicate just for the sake of higher quality output. I discovered that it affords me the opportunity to stretch myself in ways I do not necessarily need to but will definitely benefit from doing. If I stay on the course of my plan from today I might actually learn how to do some programming in order to complete the task the way I would like it done. It is a challenge I believe I am up to and I hope I make good on.

Tomorrow's shift should be fun.

New jobs are interesting.

I have posted in depth on this topic before but it still bears repeating today. Especially since I am now doing a job unlike, though not particularly special, any other job I have had. I think it will be a good change of pace. The consistency will be one of its best features, in my mind.

Some of the work will be familiar to me since I will get to tutor on occasion. This is the part I expect I will enjoy the most. I am not exactly sure what it is about teaching in general but I really dig it quite a bit. Super fun!

Thus, I am a lucky fellow. Now, I just need to pick up some hours at another new job so I can pay all my bills.

Partially employed.

Tomorrow is the first day at my new job. It is only 15 hours a week worth of paid hours but I really can't complain... it is a job, after all, and I am quite glad for it.

Now it is left to me to fill in those remaining hours doing something else. I have a good mind to find another server position since it seems fitting to my schedule and pays reasonably well. It is not very close to my desired career path, so it might not be a very wise choice overall, but I really can not say I am above any particular kind of work, given the current state of the economy. It is the kind of mess I am not very pleased about but will certainly make due somehow.

The gaping holes in life.

Due to my misbegotten attempts at a normal sleeping schedule over the last few or so weeks I have become quite inconsistent in all kinds of areas of life. My journal-keeping habits have faltered a bit, which is kind of a "first" ever since I started keeping a journal in the first place. My eating habits are so lacking I am not sure they could even be called habits at all. I have been severely slacking on my homework, too, which in itself is not unusual... it is the homework that I enjoy doing that I am still slacking on, which is unusual. I will firmly point to the source of all of these issues at hand as the recent, and highly unexpected, loss of my job. Not to make an excuse but to make a point. I am terrible at dealing with dramatic, disappointing change in life.

I figured out, sometime within the last decade or so, that I have very poor skills at coping with stress in life. Growing up I pretty much did not have ANY stress of any significance pretty much ever so I never developed any normal or effective methods to coping with stress. All this means to mean now is that I need to pay better attention to the times in my life when stress can be considered an issue and I need to react better in the future. Preparation for such an occurrence is definitely a better way to go about things.

This all means that I need to start practicing real forms of useful stress relief. I am not actually sure what ways to go about this kind of thing so I guess I will simply have to start digging around in life with this idea in mind. At least a slightly elevated focus on purpose might help.

There must be a direct correlation.

Between the quality of life and the amount of control one has over their own sleeping habits. I guess I have a long way to go as to how I will ever fully describe my thoughts on this topic. I am a little sad I am far too lethargic and mentally sapped to do any of it any justice at the moment. I will probably be mad at myself later, too. Ha.

Looking forward to sleeping in.

I feel like I have used the same title for a different blog post in the past. It is a very true sentiment, anytime that I am lucky enough to experience it, and I think it should make for a very pleasant experience tomorrow. Plus, though today was quite good overall, I have a lot of productive things planned for tomorrow and I expect tomorrow to be above average in its radness. I feel like ending this post very simply.

Boom.

Insanity installed inside.

I guess I am wandering around in "no man's" land when it comes to effective sleeping habits of a living creature. I am not sure the word habits can even be affixed to what it is that I seem to be doing lately. It is nothing but a mess.

I guess I am complaining about it a lot. Maybe that is worth something. Nah... just trying to prove that I have an idea that I am all messed up lately. Maybe I am just looking for excuses for sub-optimal performance. Ya... that is probably at least part of the reason.

So, am I going to do anything about it? Maybe. Not too sure, though. It might take an external force for this one to find a path of progress.

In need of a woman.

I think one of the reasons we all need to have a significant other is to improve our motivation to be something. Today was a bit of a wasted day because I did not really see the benefit of being something instead of being lazy. I really do hate being lazy but I suppose hatred does not actually inspire action on occasion.

The softer side of music.

It is quite interesting how many different ways music can affect a person. And, even though I could easily relate several of my own ideas on the topic, I think it is a bit too broad for me to tackle in this particular entry tonight. It is a fascinating topic nonetheless, however, and I would be well-served to explore it more thoroughly at some point in the future. I do apologize for abstaining from doing so now.

All-nighters are ridiculous.

I skipped my entry last night because I did not go to sleep... until I was driving to school this morning. Luckily, I was smart enough to pull off the road and take a brief nap in a gas station parking lot instead of the gruesomely gory alternative.

All I really do by forgoing sleep for a night(or two) is jack up my brain and screw up my living schedule. All bad things. I need to figure out how to gain self-control of this kind of thing. Really.

Commitment to creativity.

I often get a little down on myself at the end of each day, when I take the brief moment or two to scrawl out a generally underwhelming entry, and I ponder to myself some of the reasons for my deficiency. I often internally give the excuse that because I write on such a frequent basis that I generally have less energy to give overall since the quantity somehow eclipses the probability of quality... but, I am beginning to think I have been mistaken in this thinking.

It all comes down to a commitment. I am not sure if it needs to be external but it needs to be real for sure. I wonder why I have so much trouble doing homework, reading books, caring about my outward appearance, or making important personal changes in my life. I wince in exasperation when I consider my general inability to regulate my sleeping habits with any proficiency. And, yes again, it all comes down to commitment.

Recognition of my faults and devotion to correct behavior is a start but it is merely just that... a start. Commitment pushes into the uncomfortable, lackluster, sometimes painful experience of unachieved goals and extends forward into successful navigation of the challenges at hand. Simply put: commitment takes practice, too.

And a really good memory does not hurt... most of the time.

Consistency and permanence.

I am glad that I am not expected to be perfectly consistent at anything other than being myself. And I hope that I am clear about the idea that I am always seeking positive change in my life. This, therefore, should increase the expectation that as I behave in a way that would be considered "being myself" I would be ever changing, improving more and more as I reach into the future version of me.

I am also glad that I can expect perfect consistency of the world in certain ways and it is not a small list to which I am referring. These are things I often discover in life, many on a daily basis, which often help me understand the way things work in a semi-meaningful way. The predictability of human nature, the expected reactions to delicious foods, and the feeling of a certain day of the week are a few examples of this.

Today was quite pleasant, if nothing out of the ordinary, in a way I do appreciate. It set the tone for a pleasant week and I look forward to the interesting and unexpected events which will also find their way into my life. If I am good about it, I will be able to present a piece of the action here in my blog from time to time.

100-degree weather is powerful!

But not too powerful to detract from an awesome family reunion at the park! To be fair, it was mostly a sitting-and-relaxing sort of occasion anyway. But socializing is nearly always a pleasant activity for me so the weather is really more of an odd conversational bonus point.

Sometimes we learn about our environment. Sometimes we learn about politics or professional sporting events. Sometimes we simply learn each others names, only to be quickly forgotten among the thickening pile of recently learned-and-forgotten names. I am thankful for such opportunities.

Connecting to my unknown family.

Today began the first family reunion that I have attended which extends beyond the down-line of my own parents. This family reunion is basically adding his step-brother's down-line and late wife's maiden family as well. It is an interesting and richly diverse group of people. All of them are very nice, even!

In a way this is very interesting purely as an exploration of who I am actually connected to in this world, especially in ways that I could never have known otherwise. Though, it is also inspiring as a way of seeing how the world handles the folks that I would be in the different situations than my own. Solid, deep goodness is definitely prevalent and I am quite glad to be counted among them, even if more as a fringe benefactor.

Tomorrow I will get a bit more time to engage with my fine family relations before I have to return to my life largely apart from them. It already makes me look forward to the next time we are afforded the opportunity to reconnect in such a way again.

Looking forward to work again.

I enjoy the break from things every once in a while, but the momentum you lose, and the inertia it generates, is a subtly difficult thing to escape sometimes. It is through the influence of others that I usually find the clearest motivation to rejoin the living, working world.

2-Year Anniversary.

As of today I have been living where I live for exactly two years. It has been a tremendously good two years I have to say. And what do I have to show for it? I am not exactly sure... but life is certainly represented in the age of my body and mind.

Now... I need to sleep. Tomorrow is the beginning of the next year and I would like it to start with my new job activities!

The day between.

During this term of school Tuesdays will always feel like a bit of a gap more than a real day, I suspect. This is how it felt today, anyway, and I think this is what I have been projecting in my mind even before today happened as well. I wonder if such an expectation is a potentially adverse sort of thing or not. I can not say for sure at the moment.

I did have some fun ideas about a movie I think would be fun to create. A romantic comedy, strangely enough, which seems like it could have lots of potential. I do not normally think along those lines when I am in my creative mode of thinking but I suppose it is not that far from my thoughts at any given time anyway.

Class is gas.

And I find it so motivating, sometimes, that I bristle with excitement just thinking of the possibilities of what I will come to be by the end of the term and beyond. It is a generally awesome feeling to pick up on the learning very quickly. My mind sometimes races faster than the material I am learning and I seem to eat it all up faster than the Wendy's drive-thru... which is definitely the fastest of all drive-thru windows.

I am almost back to the point where I will be dedicating more time to my writing here again... at least producing multiple paragraphs per entry like I used to. I just need to get my sleeping schedule a bit more organized and it will all be better.

The end of the break.

Tomorrow I start the next term at school and I likely find out if I will be starting a new job at the school as a tutor. I have had a couple and a half weeks off and have definitely done well at "doing nothing all the time" gig. It is about time to get back to the grind stone and I am glad to be doing it with school at the very least.

A sample piece of the action.

I got to help with a video shoot today for the first time since I started my program at school for digital media production. It was pretty much how I expected it to be, which was a fairly invigorating experience, and I look forward to many more in the future. I am definitely in the right field of learning.

In need of polish.

It is one thing to know how to play a song. It is another thing entirely to know how to play music in the form of songs. The latter is the true goal of my efforts as a musician and certainly require much more time than I am currently dedicating to it. A polished piece of music as far greater feel than that which is lacking. I want that feel to be present in my playing.

Jamming is a most excellent activity.

I am not sure if I can think of anything that could replace the activities of a cooperative music experience. It gives a certainly feeling and perspective that I think I only ever get when I am doing it and it seems to be almost entirely exclusive in its quality therein. Being a part of the music is one thing, but doing it while locked into a collaborative effort is really something else.

And, in many more ways than is usual, we will get to do even more art tomorrow by playing and recording our gig at the cafe. I look forward to performing as well as editing the show into a permanent digital memory. I hope we play a solid set!

The excellent Olympic Peninsula.

I have yet to have an experience out there that is not a most splendid experience indeed. It is even true that I have not always gone out there for the express purpose of leisure alone. The few times I went out there for work reasons also followed suit with my comment of the excellence to be found there. I wonder if living there would actually make things different for me?

Throwing the anchor in the wrong place.

I do not know why I thought staying home all day was a good idea... or rather, I do not know why I accepted staying home all day as the choice for today's experience. I already know it was not a good idea. I never really thought it in the first place. It was a nice day out, too!

Well... tomorrow is something different. Gonna do a photo field-trip for the first time in a while. Should be a great break from myself.

Notes about life.

Sometimes there are important things to say about the things of experience and reality. I like to observe events from many different perspectives whenever possible and I find that simply writing my thoughts down about any given topic is always another one of those perspectives worth examining and exploring. Synthesizing information is always an excellent practice in general.

I would like to be better at laying better claim on my own interesting thoughts throughout the course of any given day. It seems to me that rarely does a day pass without several interesting thoughts to explore, though I am equally rarely adept at holding them in the queue, so to speak, retrieved for later revelations. Maybe I should carry a paper notepad like I used to do. Or maybe I should just be better at utilizing my iPod for the task.

A pleasant life reset.

This is the glory of Sunday. I find a clearer view of the important things in life, the motivation to improve my situation, and the encouragement to make some useful changes. I do not have a clear view of how things might take shape, but it is nice to expect something better... something instructive. I have a potentially awesome week ahead of me. Something I really should realize much more often than I do.

Level infinity.

Sometimes you play games... and sometimes they play you. I have certainly been played more often than I would like to admit. And, sadly, I am not usually as sad about that fact as I probably should be. The diversion could definitely be something worse. Though, and this is really where is should count, it could definitely be something MUCH BETTER!

So... if a very brief, all caps, rant is any sort of way to improve my situation I might be happy to rant more frequently about this kind of thing... but... I do not seem to get the hint at the moment. I guess I will have to do that some other time. Ha.

The dead among the living.

Sometimes I feel like a total zombie. It pretty much only happens whenever I deprive myself of a normal night's rest, multiple times in a row, and still try to wake up at normal human times. My brain was so wiped out I seriously DID crave brains... or, brain power, anyway. Even now I type in a somewhat halted manner compared to my normal mode of operation. Lots of typos to revisit tonight. I am, therefore, exceptionally happy to be crashing at a normal-ish time tonight.

I do not want to crave brains anymore. I do not even like fatty foods that much in general.

A decent interview, all things considered.

I have to say it is a very tough thing to describe the reason for my me being fired from my last job during an interview for what I hope is my next job. This is an inevitable next step for somebody in my position but it is certainly not something I have ever thought about before. I did my best to be honest and clear about the situation so I guess I at least did the right thing, even if it means I did not actually get the job. I will not know that for a couple or so days, though, so there is not use fretting about it anyway.

I really made it a long, non-productive day without any apparent reason. Hopefully, I do not have many opportunities for the this kind of non-productivity in the future.

Durdling through another day.

I guess when I do not have very many specific commitments in a given day I tend to let the day go to waste. It might be a side effect of me normally being busy out of my mind and filling up nearly every minute of my day with commitments of one kind or another. Maybe I really needed a break.

I have an interview that might get me back in the groove tomorrow night. I normally do well in interviews so I am not sweating too much but I know I need to be on my game so I hope I sleep reasonably well tonight... uh... this morning.

It has been an unnecessarily long day.

The Monday of something else.

I was actually anticipating a good start to the week with a decent amount of progress to get things going. Overall, it was not really the lack of progress that I might have initially alluded to, but more of a bland sort of experience. I submitted a couple job applications, made good contact with one of them, and started revising my online portfolio stuff. Several good steps in the right direction. I did, however, have much more time to do many more usefully good things... and will have to try to learn how to utilize my time better in the future. Something of a motivation issue, I think.

If I were to give today a grade it would be something like a "C." Just kind of average. Next Monday I will try harder for the "A" that I can easily get.

The search for a new claim.

I am somewhat excited by the prospect of a new job. It feels like I could be doing just about anything within the next few or so days and I am certainly looking forward to a change. I am also looking forward to a paycheck... even if it is only just to pay a bill or two or three.

Beyond all that I am pretty low on interesting things to say tonight. I have had a lot running through the skull all day that could have been far more interesting but I am far too tired to fulfill my own desire to reproduce it at this time. Oh, well. Better luck next time!

Funk and funk. The best of both worlds.

I now have the opportunity to learn a delightfully groovy, funk-style bass line for a song we intend to cover with the band. It is quite the tricky lick that will take a bit of work to figure out and even more time to master. This is what I call "good funk."

I also revealed what is known as a "bad funk" today. This basically manifested as my lack of motivation to do any of the cleaning I had intended to do. The day was my oyster and I did not even bother to polish it up even a little. I just did what I used to do as a kid... wasted time. It is kind of frustrating to realize it and sort of emphasizes the lameness all by itself.

So... whenever I was not working on the "good funk" I happened to be allowing the "bad funk" to rule my day. This is probably never going to happen to me again... though, I would never have expected it to happen in the first place. Maybe I will actually do something to change things up next time. Ya. We will go with that for now.

Looking for a surprise.

I am not exactly sure why I would think I earned an "A" in my last class of the term... but if I somehow pulled one out I would definitely be surprised. I did work pretty hard at the end of the term but it was a direct result of my procrastination more than the expression of my expertise and diligence. Now, the waiting begins. I guess it will be a couple days before I am rewarded with the "B" I deserve.

Say good by to my 4.0. I suppose life should not be all about the grade anyway.

Nearly finals.

Today was technically the last day of the term, and the day I had a fairly last day sort of experience for sure, but I will be reluctantly going back tomorrow to make an attempt to salvage my grade a bit... something I do not remember having to do before. And, despite my attempts to improve things in my favor, I am not really sure it will help me get the grade I want anyway. I guess that is okay but it certainly does feel a bit different than I am used to.

An additionally unusual experience came in the request of my services as a director/producer for a short film this person is working on. It is definitely the sort of request I relish as I would like to be doing just this sort of thing for my career in the future. I was not expecting this sort of thing this early in my schooling, having very little visible experience, but I am glad to have the opportunity. I look forward to the challenge for sure.

Open eyes, school, close eyes.

I have had long days of work when this kind of thing happens but an entire day filled with school is a bit of a new feeling. Luckily the stresses of work are not generally present in the environment of school, but the tension to get things done is still there. Else, why would I spend the entire day there in the first place?

I think I made some pretty good progress. After tomorrow I feel like I can really start plugging away at getting a job again, too. My hands are not exactly normal again, and my body still has a fair amount of discomfort and annoyance to deal with, but I feel like I can function efficiently again and look forward to the opportunity to reap some dough again.

One final down, one final to go.

It is always a good feeling to crush a final with the force of a bullet train... made of titanium... triple its normal size... with extra angry passengers. To be fair, I did make one little mistake. Either way, I am done with that class. No need to look back.

My next one will be something else altogether. I plan to go into school super early tomorrow just so I can work on the project as much as possible. I think I have enough time but know how easily I can be distracted and am a little worried I might not get enough of what I want to get done completed.

In any case, I am quite happy to be going to bed far earlier than my usual, self-destructive time. Early night, BOOM!

A simple day of a simple activity.

And even as simple as doing homework is, I was not nearly as involved in it as I should have been. I certainly do not need to patronize myself like I tend to do but it might have a beneficially useful effect on my motivation to not be an idiot at some point in the future.

It is the beginning of the middle of the week. It has a great deal of potential pain to be found so I hope I am tough enough to roll it well.

Learning something new every day.

Often the things I learn which truly are new to me are the characteristics or traits about people around me more than the knowable, concrete proofs of life. Learning about the people around me often teaches me about life anyway, but learning more about the people is generally more interesting and valuable information in general. People are the parts of life that I will always need to navigate through.

I am quite glad for patience and clarity of mind. I am sure it will continue to serve me well long into the future.

Butts and gears.

Something I can not seem to reconcile very easily.

I know I have so much to be doing and I just feel like procrastinating anyway. How silly. And, because I know I will complain about this again later, how annoying that it gains the weight of a self-deprecating nature multiplied by at least two times.

Now... I must not procrastinate my sleep... anymore.

What kind of music?

I really enjoy what our band is doing and where it seems to be going but the question that always comes up, which I feel generally inadequate to answer, is asking what kind of music it is that we play. I am not sure if there is a clear answer, if I am simply too biased to the music, or if there just plain isn't a definition sufficient to describe what we do. I usually say it is a rock/folk hybrid, but I know that answer is definitely lacking.

I think we are what we will eventually be labeled by the masses as a whole. I guess I will have to wait for that day to come in order to actually find out. Until then I am content not knowing. It is kind of fun that way.

End of long days.

Even when I fairly exhausted I am usually still reasonably motivated to write an entry down pretty much every day. Last night was a bit different but I guess I can blame my illness on that. I am definitely out of my element whenever I am sick like this.  Especially since it is such a rare thing for me.

It is kind of sad to say, but the level of optimism I have about life is almost directly tied to the physical condition I am in at the time. I do not think I have noticed it this clearly before. I wonder how much of it is a chemical thing? I would rather be able to control it better in the future so it would be a good thing to explore a bit.