New people freshen the optimism.

I know I can't always make it up to the Bellevue area to hang with the new crowd of folks we have begun to meet up there but it definitely feels good to be connecting with some new, totally rad people for the first time in a while. Not that any of the people from my area have not filled that 'totally rad' gap in my life, quite the opposite, but that I have been simply needing a new change of pace with a new landscape of scenery. It's the traveler's wanderlust I have been suppressing for so many years, I guess.

Hot days and the illness.

I think I have been suffering from a minor, yet persistent, cold over the past couple or so days and I have to say it has really made me quite exhausted. Combine that with the somewhat overbearing heat of the day and I am pretty much flat on my back... though I guess it's a little more metaphoric than real. Ha. Either way is fine to express my point, I guess!

Sluggish attitude.

Probably one of the more annoying casualties of the poor sleeping habits would be the positive attitude for things I am normally optimistic and hopeful about. Just feeling tired makes my attitude feel tired too, I guess.

The day was pretty good, though, despite my less-than-chipper demeanor at the moment. I am really gonna sleep hard tonight and it's gonna feel great. After work tomorrow morning I'll happily resume where I left off before work. Ha.

Makin' it quick!

My computer is totally on the fritz(sp?) today and until I can get the battery replaced I am not even sure how long it will be working at the moment... it could unexpectedly reset itself any moment and continue doing it to the point that I might not even be able to finish this entry.

Anyway, this whole computer reset thing has wiped out my whole life for reals! I have homework and regular work that I wanted to get done today but literally could not do pretty much anything since the computer just had to sit there off for most of the day. It reminded me how fragile my existence is since much of what I do is totally connected to this tiny little device. Ha. Ugh.

I could have been more productive in other ways, to be fair, but I really look forward to getting a replacement battery for this thing soon!

Some ideas about assumption.

I have been thinking about the myriad of reasons I am rejected by women over the past several years and there is a common idea that seems to come up a lot... that would be the idea that I think that girls assume too many things about me before really getting to know me or do any of their own research into who I really am. I say I think because this is really mostly an assumption on my part as well so I am equally responsible for the blame since I don't really know why I am always rejected by the lady folk. They almost never respond with their words, only with their actions... which seem to speak somewhat clearly enough. Ha.

Anyway, I would like to create a full-length, yet ever evolving, disclaimer about the things one should not assume about me(most of which I tend to think are most applicable to the girls and dating situation) in order to help people understand me better. I don't know if it could ever have any positive impact on my dating life(which almost seems like it is actually dead... or undead?.. like a zombie? Is my dating life a zombie dating life? weird.) but I feel it can have some sort of positive life benefits anyway. One might be a better understanding of myself as I attempt to describe the way I think people perceive me and the way I hope I am perceived. A self-inspection never hurts in general for that reason, I would say.

Since I do not have the time to get things started tonight I will have to start working on it another time. But, I WILL work on it soon for sure. I am quite motivated. Probably motivated for reasons that won't bear any significant fruit(namely, the feelings I have for a girl that seems to have given me the boot) but I don't think that is really a bad reason either. Motivation is motivation and anywhere you can find it is probably not a particularly bad thing(there has to be a boat-load of flaws with that logic. ha).

The long and boring daze.

Sometimes I have too much time even though I don't really have any in the first place. Today was one such day. I could have gotten so much done toward the improvement of my life... but I did more standing still than anything else today... which is essentially the equivalent of moving backwards, in reality. How disappointing. Let's not make a habit of this, shall we?(any more than it already is, anyway)

So, tomorrow will be a day I get things done. That should be a nice break in the non-action. Ha.

Still some possibilities.

I don't really know where anything goes for me from here but it seems to be closer to something I can get behind now that my attitude is a little less of a baditude. This weekend has opened my eyes to the fact that I can look in many different places for a future if I am willing to put in a little effort. It is all a very unusual sort of idea for me even though it's probably pretty normal for most people.

Anyway, I think life is still getting better so I can be pretty down with that. I never really thought much otherwise anyway but the thought hasn't been as clearly positive as it has been lately.

More attempts to catch a girl.

So, the YSA regional conference has been a highly pleasant, if somewhat unsuccessful, experience thus far. I have met a lot of cool people, and definitely enjoyed the couple or so classes I was able to attend, but do not think I have made much progress in the way of the women yet so it is still a work in progress. Tomorrow is the last normal day of the conference so I suppose all is not lost... I just need to get my 'A'-game face on, I guess. Ha.

Still in shape and getting better.

Somehow, despite my semi-lazy wanderings over the past several months, I am still feeling pretty good after coming off the court of a pretty tough night of ball. It seems to take a day or two to feel back to normal but I never feel broken down and that's pretty nice. And I am definitely grateful for it!

Get me some pink-filled hamburger.

It is always nice to be treated to a barbecue at work. Free food! Boom!

Other than that I think the crazy-weather day has been a groovy ol' time. It was fairly productive and all kinds of fun. I don't have much interesting to report on... just glad to be crashing soon!

Blips in memory.

I have been forgetting important things more and more lately and I am pretty sure it has to do with my crummy sleep habits. It has been something I have worked very hard to prevent, as I used to be somewhat of a flake about things in my youth, and I certainly don't intend to let my credibility and trustworthiness slip any further than it already has.

So, as an obvious yet important realization of fact, I REALLY need to be smarter about my sleeping habits. It is such an obvious thing that I seem to have a ridiculous level of challenge overcoming. Oh, the weaknesses of man!(the weaknesses of me, that is. ha)

A day in the shape of an inverted oreo.

Which is to say it started and ended well and the middle was something a bit less pleasant. It was a long day, a fun weather day, and an easy/hard day all in one! Not really sure if I have any other sort of day, really. Ha. Well, that is how it feels a lot of the time anyway.

Now, after many hours of non-usefulness-time(mostly fighting my computer to get it back in shape), I feel like I could get things back in action. Plus, I just called into work and really look forward to sleeping a full night's rest!(much needed)

I love my friends... even the ones without clarity.

I am always saddened by the loss of a friend but I am almost more saddened by the loss of a normal life. I have a friend who went from that of a normal life to that of a mentally unstable one, literally sidetracked by schizophrenia, and it is really a bummer to be a helpless witness to the literal madness. He still feels the emotional pangs of human nature yet is almost totally void of emotional self-control. Perhaps he is no longer truly plagued by the foibles of so-called sanity, a reprieve from the normal challenges of daily life, but I still feel his pains nearly as much as before. It is definitely a different kind of life challenge for him as well as those who know him well enough to call him a friend. I suppose I have much to learn about it for a grander purpose than I am currently aware.

Friendship and nature.

I think that might be some of the most important and excellent elements of a hike. I know it can be done non-socially, but I have a lot of experience on my side on this one.

Now, I am so tired I am falling asleep while typing this entry... so it will be cut short tonight, unfortunately. Rough.

The old table tennis crew.

And I suppose 'old' is a fairly apt way to put it as most of them were literally senior citizens. That being the case it would be reasonable to think that they are more likely to leave this life relatively sooner than most other 'crews' of my friends... and today I learned of the first one's passing. And even though I have not seen Mike for several years I am greatly saddened by his departure. It was definitely earlier than any of us would have expected, being a man less than 70 years of age I am fairly certain. And quite the athletic man on top of that.

He was a tremendous man. Truly. He was a pillar of the table tennis club from its inception and I am sure his legacy will be felt for years to come, even if it is something more based in the memories of his powerful, positive character than any of the physical contributions he may have made. I can still hear his voice so clearly in my mind. "Got to be!" he would say in positive exclamation after a good point or rally. He always smiled, even when he was having a rough day at the table. He very frequently brought food and other goodies to give away to the club patronage. He knew people and gladly shared any fascinating stories about them without provocation, yet always appreciated. He was another one of the great ones in my life... I am truly grateful to have know Mr. Michael Lewis. Truly. He was a blessing sent from heaven to this earth and I was lucky enough to share a piece of my life with his.

May his family and friends be at peace. Rest in peace, Mike.

Staying in shape-ish.

I think staying in shape would imply that I actually had a good shape to begin with... but, alas, I think that is probably a bit presumptuous on my part. But I am staying closer to shape, I guess. My body certainly does not feel like it disagrees with my basketball activity quite as much as it usually does. I wonder how much my somewhat physical job has to do with it?

Extended time to myself.

Now that I have let go of my second job, and have freed up a considerable amount of time during the course of my regular day, I find myself with a crazy amount of expendable hours with which to find my own purposes in greater focus... or something like that. Ha. And though it may have scared me before I think it will be absolutely liberating and I expect to make exceptional progress like I have not made before because of it.

Because I have committed this idea in writing(even though it is only on a blog that very few people will ever read) I am putting a higher standard up for myself. It commits me to behave as I profess and in a way helps me become what I truly hope to become. Goal-oriented, dedicated, honest, and trustworthy in my actions because I can follow through with a plan that I am willing to put down on paper(or internet... paper... ness).

Day 2 of the new term.

It's a good looking term that just keeps looking better. I know the classes should be sufficiently challenging, my schedule of availability looks to be pretty much awesome, and my fellow students appear to all be on board as well.

Now, I need to figure out how to earn a little extra money. A simple part-time job might be good but those are not always easy to find. I need to be more motivated to find some freelance gigs, I think. Well, I need to finish(or greatly advance) the current projects I am working on. That would be a good way to start!

Return to school for the third to last time(possibly).

Assuming I only have three terms left, including this one. I might not be able to get every class I need over the next two so I suppose it's possible I might need to extend a term beyond the plan but I guess that's okay too.

Beginning each new class is always exciting for me. I think I remember a time when that was not always the case but that had to be like back in high school or something. Now, I just look forward to each new experience almost knowing I will have so many good ones to enjoy that any bad ones on the way usually seem pretty insignificant.

You never truly know a man... until you see him fight. - Part 1

This is a topic that has crossed my mind in various versions over the years. I finally feel inspired to give it a bit of the exploration time it deserves.

Some of this idea comes because I feel like I have a difficult attracting the girls I am attracted to and it seems to me that some of it is simply because they didn't give me enough of a chance to get to know me very well. I am sure I am not the only guy who feels this way so I thought I might describe a little about how a guy operates and how his character, and some of his personality, are found in the way he goes through his trials.

One easily visible example would be seen in the athletic man's experiences. It is the game he plays the hardest, with the greatest intensity, which usually reveals a very specific part of his character which you will not likely see in any other part of his life without very specific digging or circumstances. There is something about the competitive nature among a man's peers which reflects a certain element of character definition. His sportsmanship, his temperament, his focus, his dedication, his teamwork, his practice ethic, his loyalty, and in a team setting where he may have a coach(or with some sort of officiating present) you can see how obedient and respectful he is to authority.

I know I have overlooked even more elements to my sports analogy which are quite telling and insightful about the inner self of a man, but I am satisfied with my meager dabblings on this topic so far.  I have other ideas I would like to explore on the topic and will do so in the next part I write about at some point in the future.

Living in my head.

It has kind of bobbled around in my thoughts over the last few days or so that life is predominantly experienced in our minds more than anywhere, or anyway, else. SO much of what we do is simply thinking about what we actually WILL do. I would guess that it is probably around 99% or more of our waking hours being spent in general thought. I know that probably sounds dramatic but when one stops to consider how long it actually takes to do the things they are doing, as well as how much thinking means nothing without the action to accompany it... it seems less and less dramatic.

Anyway, I'm too tired to give this idea a proper go for now... maybe another time, I guess.

Trading away myself for a different self.

The topic of my recent 48-hour film contest short film was one which might be closer to my heart than I previously assumed. Much of the outwardly obvious comparisons seem pretty easy to spot... the core of the matter, though, was something I think I even overlooked as it was being written all the way up to today.

I have basically been contemplating what aspects of myself I would be willing to trade away if it were somehow able to guarantee getting a wife. Strangely, even though I think of this as one of my strongest features, I was thinking that my intelligence(however much that seems to be... whether actual value exists there or not) would be one of the first things I would willingly trade away. It certainly has a lot of benefits in many life applications but it also seems to be one of my personal features which may be responsible for my currently single status in the first place. Given my personal feeling on the topic of my intelligence I suppose it would seem like a pretty obvious first casualty.

Anyway, I'm glad I can't actually do what I have been considering tonight. The gravity of such an ethical/moral dilemma is definitely more than I can appropriately weigh in on. I am fairly certain I would probably make a pretty severe mistake if I were given the opportunity. Ha.

Stuck in the wrong gear.

But at least I feel like I am moving. I kind of don't really know exactly where the wheels are pointed but the motion seems important. I really need to throw my head back in the driver's seat.

Beyond all that I am inclined to mention that I have felt the sting of loneliness a little more than normal lately. I think it comes from the unrequited feelings I have recently discovered mixed with my motivation to progress in life. Since neither are normally part of my focus in this sort of form I tend to think they are working on me emotionally in a very different way... makes me think my usual lack of these motivations are what have kept me from feeling lonely all these years. Wow, what a crummy self-defense mechanism!

Long day of film work.

I think I work better when planning is involved... that said, I do enjoy improvising a glob of ideas from time to time. And I think I do okay at it, too.

Time heals some wounds.

Which I think might be more correct than saying time heals all wounds. Some wounds might be forgotten, lost, or become painless... but the effects of some wounds are irreversible. That said, however, I feel like I have not dived too far out over any insurmountable lines. I have merely tripped on a few hard rocks and have stumbled a bit further forward than is comfortable. It feels like she still considers me a friend.

Teaching a class who teaches me in return.

I think this is something that is generally known to be consistently true but is ofter overlooked as a secondary, or even peripheral, benefit to teaching. I personally think it is one of the best opportunities related to teaching. It is something that lifts, inspires, and motivates me every time I have the chance to teach.

The learning and knowledge gained in the preparation of a lesson would probably be my other favorite feature of teaching... which makes it sound like teaching is a purely selfish endeavor for me... but that is not quite the case. I am exceptionally thrilled to see the progress of my students, as well. Though, because it is such a difficult thing to discern in any meaningful way, I can't say it is a consistently present motivating factor.

Anyway, this week should be a good one. I have a great deal of things to accomplish in so little time!

Kickin' it with the guys.

I am glad finals week is fully over and I was quite happy to take advantage of a full relaxation-style Saturday today! I slept in(after my early work shift), I played some disc golf with my boys(or dudes, or guys, possibly men. ha), and chilled in front of a television for some non-thinking and entertainment. It was quite the positive dose of post-finals non-pressure. Just the way to wrap things up for the week!