Almost done with my 39.

It is a bit of a weird feeling. I have built a lot of traits, tendencies, habits, relationships, experiences, and memories over the years. They are what I am... and, essentially, what I am soon to become. It is the strange alchemy of creation and reaction all bottled up into my life experience. Maybe I'll mix up the formula a little bit as I roll into my 40s. I do feel the pressures of age starting to creep up on me. I do need to do more with my life. And I am compelled to share it with someone now more than ever. Maybe my luck with finding the right woman will finally change(despite there not really being any reason for it to change. ha)

Connection through trial and tragedy.

It is interesting to see how a group of people can become linked through the various challenges in life. Sometimes it's a challenging person but often it is a challenging event that draws people together the quickest. The passing of a mutual friend is the sort of thing I am thinking of at the moment. We all shared a common bond with our friend that was reflected in many of our lives in such a similar way. It is a pain we will all experience uniquely on an individual level but sharing the loss of our friend communally somehow feels like a privilege... we all know how lucky we were to have him in our lives... and how his life changed ours for the better.

The heavy life decisions.

So... if my opportunity for love isn't here(and I'm not saying it definitely isn't) should I consider moving somewhere else to see what I can find? It could be better for my career but it could certainly be better for my potential family relationships. And what a tremendously difficult choice to make! There are so many unknown factors... so much I just don't see and can't predict. Sure, I know life is generally unpredictable anyway but it just feels like there is so much more riding on my decisions in life these days. Is it the weight of age? I don't really know. I know that time is an important element of life these days... and it feels like it's more important than ever before in my life lately. Though I'm sure the passing of my mother and another good friend recently certainly emphasizes this feeling.

To do lists are helpful.

And even though they help me remember all the stuff I need to do I still don't always complete them before day's end. It can be a somewhat defeating feeling but just checking things off as I go feels pretty good, too. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Bringing in the business.

Tacoma is a nice place but it lacks certain appeal to the major players of the film, video production, and cinematic realms. We have a decent number of corporate entities that can/would benefit from the available local resources for the video work they need but it seems that most of it gets outsourced to bigger markets. What can we do to prove we(the video production professionals in the area) are capable of filling those needs without the need to look elsewhere? It's a tough question to answer with any feeling of substantial understanding. But I know that just hoping it comes definitely isn't the right way to go about it.

Limbo just a little longer.

I am staying somewhat busy with my study and organization but haven't done much paying work this year yet and it begins this weekend. I will spend some portion of my time over the next few days just prepping for the shoots which is always nice as well. But, generally speaking, the deep breath continues. I don't really have any major pressing responsibilities and it's nice. I am extending my break and probably enjoying it too much. Or maybe I'm not enjoying it enough since my fortieth birthday fast approaches? Ya... I'll go with that.

The ever-present ambiguity.

I never quite know what any woman is thinking or how she feels about me. I never quite know what my dad is aiming at with his commentary or why he seems actually incapable of understanding a viewpoint different from his own... or maybe just totally unwilling to accept the logic of a different idea? I never quite know how to explain how I got to where I currently am in life, whether about the current state of my career or why it is that I can't seem to find a significant other despite all my best efforts. For all these things, each with their varying levels of complexity and/or frustration, I often take guesses and form opinions about possibilities or theories to explain them... and occasionally I have a feeling that I might not be as wrong as it might seem from the outside... but it all generally feels like a helpless cause without any possibility that things could ever change or improve. I can't say this is an encouraging attitude to have and I suppose it could sound fairly defeatist of me to paint it that way... but I do have hope. Maybe it's a fool's hope but it's my hope and I'll carry it around anyway. Hope might be all one can have in these sorts of situations but it's definitely enough for me.

A good friend's loss.

It is an incredible challenge to lose a loved one. Add to that a close friend also losing a loved one... well... that's just a bonus level of pain. But, and I do think this is strange, there does seem to be some unusual solace in the simple feeling of commiseration over such things. In an odd semi-coincidence, the friend that I am referring to also lost his mother relatively recently(about one year before Mom passed) and we were able to share some empathetic moments because of that as well. I am just highly grateful to have such good friends in my life... maybe because of the similar types of trials we can each face on our own and occasionally together.

Saying goodbye is never easy.

Especially when you don't really want to... especially when you aren't even sure it is being heard... especially when you know it is for the last time... especially when it is in the same hospital that my mother recently passed away in. I have lost friends in the past(not too many, actually) but I am not sure this is something one adjusts to. Every situation is as different as each relationship. Each person who passes represents a different sort of loss. And I don't think it is necessarily good to become "good" at dealing with loss or that it is somehow good to become used to it. Each situation is a new learning experience, I suppose. A lesson to remind us of the fragility and miracle of life in the first place. It is not a right that we, the living, can claim ownership to... we are truly lucky to experience it as much as we do. I guess it does remind me how little I recognize these thing and how much time I waste because of it. I should be much more proactive about chasing the things I want in life. The time I will get to find those things can come to an end anytime, unexpectedly or not. I'm soon to turn 40... is this my midlife crisis? Ha.

Basketball three days in a row.

I don't remember the last time I subjected myself to this consistent sort of rigor. I wasn't playing 110% the entire time so I did pace myself fairly well and I don't even feel ultra wiped out, strangely. But I do still need to lose some weight. I keep saying it but doing basically nothing about it. I'm all talk in this area... I guess I just don't have the true motivation to change. It's kind of annoying but I guess I've gotten pretty used to it. Ha. Maybe next time I'll do something about it... beyond procrastinating.

The power of friendship.

Today I learned of a friend's passing and again I feel the pain of loss with a certain sting. I would not say I was as good a friend to him as I could have been but I did feel the bond of brotherhood as someone who shared many personal moments with him, helping him with his emotional challenges from time to time, and sharing the friendly jab at my unattached relationship status. He was more perceptive and wise than most understood and definitely sought to do good to those around him with a pure motivation and purpose. He was quick to smile and unafraid to laugh heartily. He was an example of persistence and a true disciple of that which he believed in. And, despite the cliche nature of this statement, the world has lost a great person... and I don't mean just my world.

You can never be compared to a kiss from a rose on the grey... you are so much more than that.

Rest in peace, brother.
Rex Willis Christofferson
April 15, 1991- January 20, 2018

Doing the work that isn't work.

I love what I do which can get me in trouble from time to time. Not "trouble" in the normal way of thinking about it... more like "trouble" in the way that just isn't necessarily beneficial to me. The experience of doing it sometimes feels like payment enough even though I should get paid for my time. It's a tricky thing for sure. I guess the love of what I do is definitely not a bad thing despite all that. I just know I should be a bit more aware of being taken advantage of when it happens.

Turnabout?

I can't claim to even feel like I understand what is happening with her but she seems oddly inviting to me whenever I ask to see what she's up to over the last few or so days. I don't know if she has sort of changed her mind about me or if she just feels relief about whether or not she's leading me on, knowing that I don't believe she was acting that way which now means she doesn't have to worry about leading me on anymore... which could just be me overthinking it... as usual. Anyway... it's nice to see her smile more and seem to feel more comfortable than before. I'll just be happy with the seeming changes and go with it for now. Maybe I'll even see if she's interested in chatting about it(which seems like a certain mistake) just to actually see if I have any clue about things at all. Ha.

Rolling right along.

I'm down to 20-something of my last days before my fortieth birthday. It's a little bit weird, strange-feeling, and a tiny bit sad all at the same time. I'm staying productive but I think I could stand to be a bit more focused. I am saddened by my lack of a significant relationship in my life despite my abundance of so many other good things... maybe because of said abundance. I don't get to share my life with the woman I will build my future with. It might be a little strange to be feeling the tick of time in this way since I expect to have so much life ahead of me... but I don't enjoy being solo guy nonetheless. Life is good, though. I shouldn't really complain. I should be honest and if I do complain that's fine, too. That's all just part of the emotional scenery, I suppose.

Better to have liked and lost.

I was thinking I was being wise by trying to avoid a situation where I might develop feelings for someone who has written off that possibility in return. I was being a wuss. Screw avoiding the pain. Sure it'll make me complain about things ever once in a while(like yesterday) but that's WAY better than the alternative... not feeling anything for anybody. What a waste of life that would be. What a waste of life that has been! Life is pain but life is also love and I am a far better lover than I am at being apathetic... which is actually just being pathetic. So, back in the ring I go. Bring your punches and pain and loss you punk! Mine is an ammunition of a different kind.

The ever elusive "connection."

Finding myself at the lame end of another female rejection(don't suppose there's any other end to that, actually) I am naturally somewhat frustrated with myself. She doesn't feel a connection with me which is certainly not anything to blame her for. It's just a frustrating thing because I don't know why I would feel a connection with her... doesn't a connection imply both sides being involved? What the hell am I connecting to if she isn't connecting back? I don't get it. I don't really even have a good guess at the moment. I guess I'm just venting. I'm glad my feelings had not gotten too entrenched and this is more of a personal annoyance with how feeble I feel because of this sort of misunderstanding on my part. I feel extremely(maybe too much) confident in pretty much every other area of life... and this one just breaks me down. I don't mind being humbled by life's challenges in general... I can pull myself through just about anything... but having had essentially zero success in this area of life has only taught me how futile it is for me to even try. But still I do. The the wall I have been endlessly banging my head into doesn't seem to show a scratch but maybe my head is tougher for having done it. Maybe that's how it all starts? I just need a sufficiently damaged skull(metaphorically speaking, of course) to somehow attract the right woman. At this rate I'll be 80 before I figure anything out... if I figure anything out. Yay for ridiculous patience! Boo for being such a picky idiot!

2017 - A Year in Review - The Year of Mom's Passing

This year has been slightly more roller-coastery than most. The highs were reasonably high, reaching greater achievements in my career than ever before, but the lows were as low as they have ever been for me which is nothing of small remark. The year could be called a "bad" year when considering the loss I have experienced... and I wouldn't blame anybody for giving it that sort of label. However, I will call it a year of learning about life and death... the year that changed my life in so many ways. Whether it is a "good" or a "bad" year might only be determined by what comes next. What will I become because of it? What will I become in the wake of this year's challenges?

The early months of the year started strong. I helped kick off the production of a podcast as well as starting work on the production of a low budget feature film which basically absorbed a full month of my time by itself. I was also called in to help with a couple pilots for Screaming Flea which was very rewarding and challenging and fun. Between work I was doing for SFCM(Screaming Flea Creative Media) and all the other projects I was involved with I only took one or two days off until sometime in the middle of the year... which was when life started taking a turn for the unexpected.

In late July/early August my business as well as the company I worked for both essentially disappeared from my life. Both of them were complicated situations that I am still not entirely sure what to do about. It was also at this time that I dove into the VFX and color work for the final push on the feature I had helped shoot earlier in the year. We were trying to meet a basically impossible deadline so I went into the editing "cave" at the directors house to crank on it for basically all of my waking hours, every day of the week until it was complete. I enjoyed taking a couple days to join the family reunion out on the peninsula but did not enjoy the beginning of the end for my sweet mother as she suffered a heart attack the night I left to get back to work. I went to the hospital to be supportive for a day or two but as soon as it was deemed she would likely survive I delved back into the "cave" to press onward with my work. It was incredibly trying at times but, after countless hours and revisions and fine-tuning, we finally completed the work in late October. During this time Mom had to head back to the hospital to deal with complications, head to a care facility when she showed improvement, then head back to the hospital where her body's complex array of issues eventually overcame her and she passed away from this life onto the next. I have never experienced such pain... something that lingers and resurfaces from time to time still... and might never disappear completely.

I needed a break... from work... from the pain... from thinking... from life. I didn't want to run away from the trials emotionally but I didn't really know how to deal with them, either. We convinced Pops to go stay with my sister and her family from Thanksgiving through Christmas so I took that as an opportunity to get away and drove him down there. I got to visit a bunch of great friends and relax and shoot a bunch of scenic footage and just be a normal person again. I visited Utah and briefly visited my old stomping ground in Northern California before coming back to Washington. I had some work I needed to get back for then I headed back to Utah for Christmas and to pick Pops back up. It was a great way to wrap up the year. The incredible level of peace and calm and quiet and solitude and nature were absolutely healing to my soul.

Now... I am back at home... home with Pops and my oldest brother. We are good for him as he needs the companionship. I haven't been working much yet but I will find plenty to do soon enough. This year has so much potential on the horizon and I intend to make the best of every opportunity. I started writing this entry days ago and, as one might expect, I had some trouble getting through the recounting of my mom's challenges. I intend to be more regular in my writing habits here again, though, and this is where I kick things off. Better late than never... and, as exemplified and stated so simply by my mother before her passing, "love is the answer."

Rest in peace, Mom. 2018 already misses you... almost as much as I do.