2018 - A Year in Review - Doing Things for Me.

And potentially for my future self, family, and friends. And it all started in January, I suppose.

I was still reeling a bit from the holidays and the loss of Mom slightly before them. Not in a huge funk or anything but the beginning of the year is a bit shrouded in somber emotions, as I currently recall it. I was spending more time with a friend girl, possibly trying to see if it could become more than that, but by the end of the month(after asking said girl on a Valentine's date) I was reintroduced to the "friend zone" bouncer and tossed to the curb once again... gently enough, I must add. It wasn't as painful as it was generally disorienting/confusing. It also wasn't unexpected so that provided a bit of cushion. She's a cool gal that just doesn't know how to communicate her feelings very well. And I am sure I'm probably even more confusing to her. Ha.

Rolling through the first few months of the year I stayed quite busy with work, an incredible boon to the positive emotional(and of course, financial) direction life began to take. I did a little travel to a new place or two which was cool. I got to work on some really fun projects, as well.

The busyness with work stayed pretty steady rolling into the summer which enabled me to take a road trip across the country. After Mom passed late last year I realized that, as odd as it might seem, we never visited, or even heard much about, where she grew up in Canada. I planned then to make a trip there so it was one of the primary stops on my road trip. Even though I was only able to spend a day in the area, it was a very poignant personal moment for me. I continued the trip to a gig(shooting Hoarders) near Boston and on to my nephew's wedding down in Las Vegas(with lots of cool landmarks seen along the way) before finally coming home, but taking that brief time to visit the place of my mother's upbringing was definitely the highlight of my summer.

Swinging on into the fall things got busy with work again. I got to do some fun DP and steadicam work, working on a couple music videos and short films that are still in post-production but seem to have good promise to be something cool.

The holiday season was quiet and pleasant and nothing out of the ordinary. I stayed busy up until a few days before Christmas which worked out as a nice way to wrap things up for the year. I'm currently working on a new demo reel edit to update my old reel from about 4 years ago. Definitely way overdue. I've been lucky to stay as busy as I have as it is!

So... onto the coming year with high enthusiasm for better things to come! Life is good. Challenging, imperfect, surprising, engaging, and all kinds of normal. Happy new year to anybody patient enough to join me this far in the story of my life!

We, the human things.

It's a little weird when you become a hermit and your perspective starts to become a bit myopic... and you realize it. The world sort of starts to disappear into odd, somewhat shapeless forms. A memory of life begins to dim. Stagnant concentration. It isn't exactly darkness or emotional void... more of blandness and ultra-grey... lacking the oomph of movement. I look forward to returning to the world again.

I am terrible at self-promotion.

I have so much of my demo reel to still put together and it feels like such a drag. I have SO much footage to dig through that I think I should make a more specific plan about which footage is the smartest to wrangle. Maybe I'll actually put a creative plan together... produce it like I would any other project. At least that makes it seem a little less boring. Ha.

The head is full of ideas.

Yet... there is never a clear method of realization. So many paths and possibilities and not too much emphasis endearing me to any one in particular. I do enjoy the spectacle of potential, though... I feel lucky to even have a view in my mind of what might become. I am one of many, one of humanity with all the prospects of change and a future burgeoning, largely unknown. Self-possessed in my ways, I must admit... but I do look to share my time with those that I love... truly the important aspect of life... the most important aspect.

Things are things and life is life.

And that's just the way it is. But it's a pretty good way of being, I'd say. It has been quite good to me. The good ol' lifey it. I just keep pluggin' away at it. Staying on top of the game as much as possible, always far from the maximum amount but certainly above expectation on many occasions. Just gotta keep improving and stretching and paining the regular.

A full year has passed.

It has been an eventful, if a bit dour experience at times, lacking the presence of one so beloved as Mother. Life does move on but not without distinct, new challenges. I have missed her calming presence but Pops is a complete wreck without it. It can be more difficult trying to help him get past it but I am starting to think he never will. Not because he is actually incapable but more because he is simply unwilling... and I can't blame him for it no matter how self-destructive it seems to be. And life moves on for everyone. We are coming into the holiday season and who knows what will follow all of that. It's all part of the journey in one way or another.

I've stayed busy.

Which is a generally pleasant way to be. It could be a positive diversion from any emotional challenges one might expect for me at this time of year but it might also be called escapism... I am not sure what connotation that might even have. Anyway, I am slowly edging into the winter months which usually means my work will be slowing down a lot, relatively soonish. I suppose the slower pace will be nice.

A little consistency is nice.

Pops has been feeling decent for several days in a row now. It might seem like a somewhat trivial hope under usual circumstances but it is definitely something different right now. And I suppose it can go with saying that the little bits of consistency are highly appreciated considering recent events but the act of saying it does seem to feel important to me now anyway. Sometimes work is its own reward and I think a similar principle applies to the act of stating the obvious... the act of forming such a statement in your mind and actually making the statement seems to release a little emotional pressure. Communication is its own form of work, I suppose. There are many reasons I take any time at all to write the blog as I do. It is a blessing in its own way... even though I don't usually make much effort to really go beyond the cursory thoughts lingering in my mind at any given moment.

Dad is now home.

He was able to come home a couple days ago. He has definitely lost a step or two but seems to be doing alright. Lots of naps. A reasonable mood. I don't really get a sense of what life is for him right now. It's hard to say if he will begin to thrive again... it seems possible. I want to be positive but I really don't know what to expect. I should spend more time with him. Really.

Health is the main topic of life when things become unpredictable.

It tends to become all that you think about when somebody(or yourself) experiences adverse medical conditions due to one thing or another. Seeing mortality lingering so close to the periphery tends to magnify one's focus on every way to avoid it... really pointing the arrow forward in time. There might be a little reflection on what might have caused the current state of things but the attuned tendency to anticipate life of a different type definitely dominates the way I seem to go about it. Are we ready for it? Life is not only an equation of the living... it is the result of everything and everyone from all of time. Our story expands from the past into the future, with and without those who have gone before us. I kind of feel like I am trying to avoid potential pain just through my deliberate and mentally challenging exploration of the topic. I suppose I will make my way to bed for a rest from it all now. Maybe my morning mind will have a different take on things.

Heavy thoughts.

As my mother's birthday came and went I had much on my mind about life and the way of things these days. I had the inclination to write her a letter about life things despite her absence as a certain feeling of purpose seemed to urge me from within. I am a bit on the disorganized side of things lately, however, especially as I prepare for the big shoot next weekend and I allowed the urge to become quiet as I wandered into the existence of today. Now... even though the specific day has passed I still feel a bit of the urge to write that letter. I think just talking about it has prompted the feeling and perhaps I'll give it a shot sometime soon... just not now. I am a bit too tired to deal with those emotions and I really need to get my head on the pillow... or maybe I am just running away from it as I lack enough of the right motivation? Meh. Off to bed with me.

So many miles.

Alaska is a very cool place. And it is very far away. But I dig it anyway and enjoyed my time there. I enjoyed the work, the people, the food, and all the many challenges. I might have gained some valuable perspective, as well. I am quite lucky to have the work opportunities that I do but even more lucky to work with the great people that I do. I look forward to seeing how our shoot went and what it becomes!

I have really slowed down on this lately.

But that doesn't mean it is totally going away. I just have a hard time spending the extra energy to do this when I am away from home. I have been home several days now and I feel like I can get back to doing this with almost regular frequency again. I mostly just need to become more committed to the practice in general again. I still don't miss any days in the paper journal so tacking this back on shouldn't be too tough, I think. I suppose time will expose the truth of that last sentence.

Road trippin'!

It is great to see new places in the world. It is great to meet new people and have a little solo time in between all the action. It is great to work and play all at the same time. It is great to have increased optimism about the future things in life.

Big things on the horizon.

I'll be taking a long road trip but after that I'll be doing a big edit and prepping for a big live stream event. I am pretty sure all of this will consume all my time for the next couple months straight. I am looking forward to it all and expecting it to be an incredible opportunity and challenge. All kinds of good stuff!

Is there a word for the extreme dislike of politics? Politicism?

There's racism, sexism, ageism, heightism... weightism... clownism? Whatever... there's lots of words describing extreme bias, even hatred, against something. I feel something very deep within me, in a similarly negative way, against the realm of politics. It has twisted the social fabric I experience in life but, more importantly to me, it has corrupted individuals I care about in ways I feel helpless to improve in any significant way. I am one small voice fighting against the resounding thunder of a chorus so loud and resonant it tends to crush and align the individual wills of those who would sympathize themselves with it for long enough. A thought-machine so enticing, it's guise so seemingly trustworthy, it's aim so ostensibly honorable that the subtlety of its invasive nature is almost entirely cloaked and any cracks in its facade quickly become either hidden from sight or ignored altogether. And the pains it invokes in the imaginations of those consumed by it become manifest in all other elements of the lives of the afflicted, intentionally, purposefully, or not. People like my dad become collateral damage in a war(imagined, fabricated or otherwise) generally oblivious to him and others like him. I don't have a plan about how to extract this pervasive beast from his life but I did feel the need to at least describe a little bit about this thing I have been fighting. I would call it by something, if only to potentially give it a target, which is why I think it should be formalized... and, perhaps with a small chances push, by writing this short paragraph in my attempt to describe it in some way I hope that something can change... change and chance are nearly identical in spelling, anyway.

A dam and a beach.

Today I got to shoot construction happening in a couple different interesting and very different locales. In a strange, how-it's-made sort of way I got a small peek into the process of creation and I found it all quite fascinating. The actual processes of labor were interesting in their own ways but learning a little about the people at work was also a joy. One of the dump truck drivers mentioned that he was once sent to do that type of work in a South American country for four months. I didn't even know that sort of thing could happen. Anyway, I was continually reminded of how much I enjoy what it is that I do for work. The variety and learning opportunity is so incredible. I am quite lucky, indeed!

Basically half-way through the year.

It has been a very productive year so far. It started slow, as planned, but definitely picked up and has kept me engaged for more of my time than expected. The second half of the year has a bit on the books already but certainly has a lot more of the unknown than preferred. I am optimistic I will be able to stay busy but I know I will have to dedicate more energy to selling my services... which doesn't sound fun but might not be too bad. Ha. I should be paying better attention to my footage so I can improve my demo reel.

Payments on the way.

It seems like the bulk of the money I have earned in the last couple months is just starting to roll in now and I have to say it is a nice thing to behold. I'm not broke or anything but I certainly am much closer to it than I'd prefer. I have a good chunk of preparation to make for my upcoming trip and the improved cash flow will definitely help.

Where has all the poetry gone?

There are a lot of uninspiring days in life. Even some of the fun ones that have a decent crop of positive human interaction can fall flat in the inspiration department. Maybe it's the positive human interaction that doesn't hold enough dramatic potential for that sort of thing... or maybe I'm just making up excuses. Anyway... I miss the poetry. I look forward to its return!

I need to take breaks.

But I also need to get better sleep. I also need to eat better. I need to lose some weight. I need to figure out what's going on with my knee and hip flexor. I need to drink more water. I need to adhere to my "to do" list better. I need to finish my taxes. I need to remember the things that I need more often.

The old ping pongery.

I got to play some decent ping pong today at a club in Seattle that I have not played at before. It is more of a business than a traditional club but it was a decent setup with a solid vibe and ambiance to it. I enjoyed playing enough to look forward to doing it again despite the lack of play level that I prefer. I don't know how often I'll get to go back but I hope it isn't too long from now.

The oddities of human life.

I attended a Summer Solstice Parade in Seattle today and was immediately reminded of the immense diversity of humanity. The range of the spectacle included the very mundane as well as people who were literally nude, excluding negligible bits of color or paint("bits" intended to stress the minuscule stature of the coverage.) A generally happy parade vibe exuded prevalently... wait... the word "parade" has now gained a new meaning in this context. Ha. Not sure how I didn't notice it before. Anyway... it was a fun experience. People are weird. I'm glad to be one of them.

Still staying busy.

Which is quite more than I was thinking would be the case. It is definitely a nice thing but it does make me a little sad that I will likely be turning away a decent crop of work for the month I plan to be traveling starting in about a month's time. I will be spending money like crazy while I am gone... which is fairly annoying but that's just how vacations go, I suppose. Maybe I'll try to find work along the way.

I need better sleeping patterns.

Or any sleeping patterns at all would be nice. I generally do okay(I think) but I know there is little regularity to my life patterns in general. Now, I am so tired I am basically going to end this little entry before I can get to anything interesting. Bummer.

Road rage is real.

My life has somehow been almost entirely absent of any direct road rage until today. Sure, I have probably pissed some other drivers off without knowing it, but today I was actually confronted verbally and basically cussed out as the guy sped off. I was probably in the wrong but it was still a strange experience. It was nice to be made aware that my driving style might occasionally be infuriating to others so I now I can pay better attention to it and hopefully improve. Hooray for road rage improvement inspiration! Ha.

The theories of art.

They are as varied and sometimes opposing as one can imagine... as many can imagine? Art is, simply put, communication. It generally holds greater value than regular communication, though, and tends to pick up its own meaning and value in each person's life. It is somewhat consistent in its recognizability but almost always defies accurate descriptions that might make it a specific thing of any kind. And, to me, it's just the kind of mess that I enjoy. If my alignment were able to be summed up by an Advanced Dungeons & Dragons term it might be chaotic good.

Doing something out of the ordinary.

I have done sound work before but it is fairly infrequent. I enjoy the challenge of really getting the best quality audio that I can, though. I have learned a lot from the sound guys that work on Hoarders and feel reasonably competent these days. It should be a fun experience no matter what happens!

Retail sales is annoying.

Which is certainly a very old concept so I make no claims to its unique relevancy. I thought I'd make the statement in a basic declaration of defiance, though, as I am making the decision to save a bunch of money at the personal loss of a little time. I get that retail establishments based on in-person interaction are living in the realm of FUD(fear, uncertainty, doubt) themselves now that Amazon has reared its world-dominating head but I really despise the tactics they tend to employ in their attempts to separate me from my financial stability. Anyway... I am glad I held strong and didn't give in today. My self-discipline carried the day and now I will sleep much more soundly.

The tale of the title.

It all started with the simple suggestion from a friend that I consider buying a car from a friend of his. I looked at it, thought it seemed cool, worked out a price with the owner, then purchased said car. It needed repair in order to be operable so it was in the shop when I purchased it. The morning of it's retrieval I went straight to the DOL to switch the title over but, instead of the typically easy trip that lasts a mere few minutes, a new life journey full of disappointment and annoyance would ensue. The DOL was apparently closed for the day due to some sort of training the entire branch was attending. I decided to head to the next closest one that I knew of which was about 20 minutes drive. It was, however, not the right "type" of DOL since they no longer dealt with non-human licensing. I then drove another 20 minutes to the next closest one I could find on my GPS. While there I was told I needed an additional signature from the same person since there was another line not filled in... he literally needed to sign it twice. The DOL closed at 1pm that day so even though I was able to drive up to Auburn to get that signature I would not be able to go back to the DOL until at least Monday. I wasn't able to get to the DOL on Monday but I was able to head there during my lunch break on Tuesday. Sadly/annoyingly, they told me I needed a whole new piece of paperwork filled out by the owner so I headed back there yet another time after I was done with work. Feeling confident this was all behind me I headed into the close DOL location first thing this morning and was yet again denied! The owner now needed to fill out another piece of paperwork describing why he accidentally put the wrong date and corrected it with his initials. I was so infuriated(this is an accurate, non-hyperbolic statement) that I decided to try a different DOL(20 minute drive away) to see if they would do it anyway... which they did not. So I headed back to Auburn AGAIN to get the paperwork filled out and headed to the DOL in Auburn immediately afterward. This time I did succeed but even my visit there wasn't without it's own challenges. The teller initially thought my paperwork(nearly rejecting it) was printed off by a computer due to the neatness of my handwriting. Then after going through all the paperwork, entering it all in the computer, utilizing my driver's license as the reference for my personal information, after I paid the fee with my debit card the teller then asked me to confirm the data on the actual printed title... to which I noted an error in the numbers of my address. I was given an option to restart the whole process over or simply fill out another piece of paper stating that I accepted the change in the computer right there. I obviously took the second option FINALLY ending the travails of this whole ordeal. Now... I will basically wrap this up mentally and emotionally having taken the time to write it all out in a word-vomiting exercise intended as both a general catharsis and a meager source of entertainment to any patient enough to read all the way through it. Not enough humor, really, but certainly a bit humorous by magnitude. Magnitudinous annoyance.

So much to do on the day off.

I have a plethora of errands to run and tasks I should complete if possible. But I do get to enjoy an evening meal with somebody I haven't met in person before so that should be interesting/fun. I'm pretty sure it is my first date this year. Anyway, tomorrow should be packed with goodness. I look forward to sleeping in!

The early call time.

It would be nice to think it means an early wrap but it often turns into a really long day instead. But... thus is the way of things in my chosen industry. It is a whacky, obsessive, over-indulgent mess of artistry and intensity... which is probably why I enjoy it so much. Gotta make some rad stuff!

Something things run away from me.

Whether it's time, or people, or projects... and I have to think that it's a pretty normal thing. Sure, it can be frustrating at times. I tend to throw myself into the immensitude of my scheduling tomfoolery, however, and I really don't have anybody to blame. So I won't blame anybody. Not even me. It's just life. Things come to me from time to time as well.

Wrap on principle photography with all the kid parts.

Now we're down to a few remaining scenes with some of the adult actors. Nearly to the end of a long production journey. After it's done I am quite excited to see how it all comes together.

I bought another car.

I think I got a good price and I expect to enjoy the car once it is operating normally again. My old car is still running fine but it lacks many useful and very normal features found in my new car. Air conditioning(not a super common need in Washington), a cigarette lighter(a somewhat common need when I have my power inverter and camera batteries to charge), all-wheel drive(for my uncommon trips to unfavorable driving conditions such as the snowy mountains or the like),  a passenger window that rolls down because it isn't made of plastic(probably not necessary for anything except actual car security), and a high-powered turbo engine that gets me to cruising speed lickety split(more of a fun feature than anything particularly useful.) I still need to pay for certain repairs but I expect to be driving it within the week if all goes as planned. I am excited to have something like this despite the potential speeding tickets its nature could incur. I guess my own discipline will be its truest test of whether or not it was a good purchase. I expect there to not be any problems but who knows? I've never actually owned a fast car before.

Thus the new week beckons.

And I go to it willingly with anticipation of good things in store. I only really have the first half of the week planned out, and it's not particularly inordinate, but I just feel a good vibe on the horizon. I guess time will be the revealer of this current mystery... or whatever. Ha.

Dear Mom.

I know you are not able to put physical eyes on this text anytime soon but I feel to express some thoughts for you... nonetheless. This is likely cathartic in nature but it is also intended to honor your memory in my own way. I write to communicate the inside of me and the impulse to do so as well as gift of this expression definitely finds its roots in your parentage toward me.

You have been gone a little over half a year. In this span of time much has happened in life for me, and all of the family, as we have adjusted(with varying degrees of success) to your passing. The void left where you once were is an impossible thing to fill so we reach for whatever piece of structure, whatever familiar scrap of normalcy, whatever empathetic offering in any form that helps us to recognize our innate human power to press on. Life requires it... no matter the cost.

In many ways things have improved for me. Simply an incidental step of progress unrelated to your passing, of course, but I would have been much happier to share my successes with you here as they happened. Financially I am doing better than ever. Not where I want to be, and definitely not in a place that is ready to support a potential family, but I feel like I am gaining momentum to achieve that type of security in a relatively soonish time frame.

My focus on work has definitely challenged my general social efforts but I do feel improved in my social life despite my work. I have a great circle of positive influences in my life and consider myself lucky to be where I am.

I feel as far away as ever from any meaningful relationships that could lead to the family life I do hope to one day find. I don't feel significantly lonely, however, as I have often felt over the years as I have made failing attempts to change the situation. I am confident I am a quality prospect for the right woman and only feel that patient and thoughtful consideration will be the correct method of seeking so I am no longer frustrated by my lack of result, as I once was. I am not interested in settling for that which does not fulfill or inspire.

Mom... I miss you greatly. The sting of your loss still lingers somewhat close by and from time to time it is certainly clearer than I would expect. Who knows how to fully prepare for this sort of life event? I will continue to make every attempt to become the best version of myself in my attempt to honor your legacy, however, despite every challenge incurred by your passing.

I love you. I know you are well and I one day look forward to being with you again. Until then, thanks again for being the greatest Mom I could have ever hope to have!

Love,

Your grateful son, Aaron

Work and play mixed into one quick trip.

I just got back from a trip to Washington D.C. to do a job there. I was afforded the opportunity to spend a little personal time exploring the place as well which was quite cool since I had never been to that city before. The whole place had a very unique feeling to it that I quite enjoyed. I don't generally get any personal time when I am traveling for work so I feel quite lucky for this particular opportunity. I hope I get to visit there again sometime. It is an almost magical kind of place, as weird as that may sound. Ha.

I think I really must dislike editing.

I could have gotten an edit project taken care of today but I neglected it despite the value of getting over with it. Now I'll take care of it during the middle of next week. Meh. The rest of my day was nice anyway. Got some things done. Relaxed. All kinds of Saturdayness happening.

Five rad business days in a row.

I can't expect this sort of streak to happen with any regularity but I am quite enthusiastic about getting it this time. A couple different crews between them and they were all fun, quality folks. Positive, talented, quirky, good-humored and delightfully patient... some of the time. Ha. Anyway... I look forward to my first real day off in a long time. It is definitely overdue!

It is always nice to work efficiently.

And especially nice to work so efficiently that you basically complete three days worth of work in two days. Yes, we will have some things to do tomorrow to polish up the tougher shots but I imagine we will be getting a half-day of work in max and might even be able to avoid the rush hour on our way back. Boom!

A long day of work followed by a long day of work...

Ad infinitum. And I love it! I am quite a lucky fellow. A tired, lucky fellow. A tired, lucky, bed-owning fellow... with a pillow. Good night!

Busy as a bumbling bee.

But mostly in competent action. Bumbling is just a bi-product of my oddball humor, I'd say. Now I must sleep since the next day's worth of bumbling is only hours away!

Back from the mud.

The shoot was mostly covered by clouds and rain and as we walked from the front yard to the back we definitely made a muddy path of epic proportions. It was a tough but rewarding experience as it always is and the crew made it all that much better with their incredible awesomeness. Now I am home and back to the regular life.

All kinds of busy and preppy.

Preppish? The preparator? Preparational? Preparitive? Anyway... there was a lot of preparation to do and I pretty much got it all done. This upcoming shoot promises to be a high quality outing. Now I just need to kick it off by getting at least 4 1/2 hours of sleep before my 4 1/2 hour flight. Ha.

The swelling tide of anticipation.

Only one day of non-insanity left before I jump on a plane to dive right into it. Still lots of prep to do but at least it all feels like a manageable crop of chores. It's a good kind of excitement since I will also get to do a kind of shooting that, while very much like most of the shooting I have done before, feels like a new and exciting type of shooting with a slightly different and somewhat cooler purpose and I look forward to knocking it out of the park.

Cruising along.

Staying busy, getting things done, looking forward to the whirlwind on the horizon. It will be a grand experience, a time to connect and grow and hustle, and a memory among many that will likely be cherished. I'm all over it and grateful for the opportunities I have been given.

Back from Vegas and sort of back on track.

I leave for the next hoard in a few days, though, so I might fall off the journalling wagon pretty soon again... or maybe not? Anyway, it has been an enlightening and productive week and I look forward to the weekend as well. Hopefully get my taxes all squared up. That'll be nice.

A pleasant Saturday.

I lounged. I worked. I socialized. It was a nice chemical mix for a quality day. And I continue to look forward to the coming weeks. There is a lot to do and a lot to learn along the way. Plus, who doesn't like a trip to Vegas? I don't gamble, drink, or enjoy any of the vices for which Vegas is so famous but it's still a pretty happenin' place. One part convention, one part drone flying is also a good recipe in my book.

The whirlwind continues.

I was lucky enough to pick up another solid week's worth of work(plus a few days, even.) This basically means that once you add in my trip to Vegas next week(NAB show) I am basically booked until the end of the month. And one of my clients has even mentioned the likeliness of booking me early next month so that's another fun addition. I am truly a lucky fellow. Now I just need to make sure I smartly plan how the money gets spent. Ha.

Lots of ideas in the brain.

Mostly about different ways to make money but I wouldn't call that a bad thing. It might show my core motivation in life at the moment but I don't have much else in my life to really take it's place anyway. Plus, I love my work so that makes it an easy thing to think about for sure. So much potential!

Workin' and workin' and workin'... and a little bit of bein' lazy.

Or a big bit? Anyway, it feels good to be wrapping up on the bigger project I've been working on lately. I don't quite get to sleep as extensively as I'd like but it will be soon enough... for at least one day. Ha.

Lots of work this week!

And even though I haven't been paid for several of my recent jobs yet, it feels good to have a decent chunk of money lingering on the horizon. Plans, plans, plans. I might be a bit of a spending fanatic but I think I am almost over the hump of critical mass for gear to really get things moving on the freelance front. It's exciting. I should be a bit tempered since I know a lot of it has been luck and I won't always have so much to do but I'll take it for now.

The nebulous plans of creativity.

I am at a spot in life where I don't feel particularly tied down to what I am doing. I love my work but I feel like I could basically be doing it anywhere. It gives me ideas about going on the road and trying to find work as I go. I wouldn't call my current car the most reliable sort of vehicle but I imagine it could get around well enough. Anyway, it's all a very vague notion at this point but it seems to be rattling around in my head more and more lately.

The boringest day.

I don't like the slow days spent in the "cave" whether I'm busy editing or not. Hanging around in the house all day just isn't very healthy. It's a bit of an emotional drain. At least my next several days are booked up with the good stuff. Whew!

The expansive challenge of comedy.

I have recently been watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and have enjoyed the interesting exchange of ideas and insights they offer on the world of humor and comedy. It does in many ways rekindle my interest in creating more comedy in my expressions, whether through written, spoken, or interactive mediums. Obviously, unless you have the comedic sense of a robot, I have not done much of that sort of thing in this post but I might start taking stabs at it relatively soon. And failure stabs are just the sort of thing I expect but also the sort of thing that can tend to improve the craftwork quality if paid attention to.

Communication is a practiced endeavor.

And the less I write the less I am inclined to write. As if my actual creativity to do so diminishes somewhat. So, thinking this, I am at least a little more motivated to write more again... for now, anyway. I want to be better at the things that seem important in life and communication is definitely one of those things. I'd also want to improve my skill at finding a quality woman but I am not even sure how to practice that. Ha.

Getting out and about.

I like traveling around and seeing life. It is good to be among people and enjoy the beautiful weather and enjoy a good meal here and there. It almost feels like the Spring is actually here. It's a nice thing. Life is always better with nice things in it.

A semi-normal weekend.

Which is not a bad thing. It's nice to relax a bit and forget about some of the bigger responsibilities of life. I have a good looking week ahead of me, too. It should be a reasonably productive go at things.

Busy week. Slow weekend.

But maybe only for one day. I might have lots to do tomorrow. It was nice to kind of have the day off today, though. I got my binge on for sure. A good unwind sort of day. I need to do these more often. I can't even really remember what it was like to have weekends(or any two consecutive days) off with any regularity. How weird that would feel nowadays!

Things seem somewhat back on track.

And I am getting things done as I should. I am not a big fan of editing work since it is so easy to get distracted while doing it here at home but I've made some decent progress this weekend nonetheless. I have a solid week of work ahead of me and I look forward to cranking it all out and getting ahead of things for the coming months.

What is my life like?

Meaning, what is the substance of my life? I think it's a good life but it seems a bit out of the ordinary. Sure, I've had my struggles but I think I have largely avoided just about any dramatic tragedy for pretty much my whole life. Some of that is just luck but I am starting to wonder if I am also dodging the bullets in a somewhat subconscious way? I have had the thought that I might be avoiding serious relationships with women to avoid the pain that comes with them... but I wonder if that might also extend to the realm of regular life as well? Is it easy to stay in my current life track, complaining about my solitude from time to time, since I am largely floating through things as one who is praised on a daily basis for all the things I do well, all the people I try to serve, all the the conflict and challenge I avoid? Sure, I am always trying to improve myself by attempting to do things that stretch my skills and test me as a person, and that has some valid meaning in the perspective of a life with substance, but I think I have largely been avoiding important female relationships as well. And I think they are the things that could potentially bring my life closer to that of the more typical and still substantial life. I am missing that component of fulfillment, love, acceptance, strength, and interdependence as well as missing all the conflict, drama, pain, and betrayal, those things which truly create substantive change in one's life and character. I should try harder to overcome my fear, recognized or not, to at least engage in some sort of meaningful relationship somehow. I need to play that stupid game better. I need to play it at all.

Pain and anger are the only things to cling to sometimes.

And it makes me incredibly sad. There is no end to my personal grief about the way my father holds fixed to these poisonous tenets with the stubborn tenacity beyond even that of the ever incredulous honey badger. And I use that metaphor with all the maximum emphasis I can muster still feeling like it falls far short of the actual level of stubbornness he exhibits. It seems to me a form of bondage he is simply and utterly incapable of breaking free of. It seems to me a literal part of his character, immovable, unshakable, impenetrable, deeply infected like a disease wrapping around every system of his mind, body, and soul, warping his character and being as it conforms to the disease's fear of reality... that IT is the enemy. I feel hopeless nearly to the inverse degree that IT thrives in his system. I love my father and I continue to fight but I have yet to truly feel ANY progress in ANY direction away from the only direction IT moves him. There are very few things in life that I have ever felt so similarly helpless to cope with and NONE that surpass it's ultimate and frustrating level of annoyance. And even labeling all of this with the type of hyperbole I have laid out simply feels epically inadequate to the truth of the situation. My heart aches. Such are the challenges of life. And I will continue to fight for as long as I can because I love my father deeply.

Lots to keep me busy.

Which is nice since the weather is cold and there's not really much going on in life otherwise. It's a bit of a down month outside of the Valentine's Day stuff and that isn't much for me anyway do I guess it becomes a bit of a double-bore. The gigs were both fun today so I'll take this kind of Saturday pretty much every time.

Sometimes you remember.

Some pieces of the life before she passed. There are memories of her personality and kindness and warmth that surface... and along with them are a few sparks of emotional residue. It might be the burden of every survivor from this type of loss. I am grateful for its reminder of my humanity. I am grateful for how it reminds me of the incredible blessings I have had in life.

Getting on track.

I recently implemented the use of a "to do" list in my daily goings on. I've done it many times in the past, with varying levels of proficiency and durations before eventual failure, but this time it seems to be sticking a little better than in before. I sort of eased it in over the last couple or so months and adapted the method itself to be more enjoyable for me to keep up with. It's still a work in progress for sure but I think it might become a continued tool of life usefulness. And it feels good to develop any form of self-discipline even if it is just a little thing. Here's to a new week of checking things off the list!

Expending energy in droves.

Which is just the way I like to do it. I kind of think I might have some form of hyperactivity(not necessarily severe but noticeable) and working all day and actually burning a bunch of energy in the process actually feels quite good. I really need to do the semi-physical stuff at the least. Something that involves lots of walking or movement tends to be a good place to start. Just another reason I enjoy my line of work. Not that it's all kinds of walking for days or anything but it does tend to stay active. The time just whizzes on by. And now I feel ready for a solid night's sleep!

Doing the good work.

Which basically just means doing what I love doing with my job - shooting beautiful imagery, hanging with cool people, making a client happy. This is what I really enjoy. I am quite grateful to be doing it. Tomorrow will be another solid day. All kinds of fun to be had for sure!

In anticipation of the year's loneliest day.

I honestly don't remember the last time I had a valentine. I remember having one with my last girlfriend but think I had a valentine at least once since then. It's kinda strange, really. I wonder if I avoided it more often than I think? I know I've tried and failed several times, anyway. At least I get to keep myself busy with work tomorrow. That'll be nice. I might even call it pleasantly distracting.

Scrolling through the weekend.

It is nice to work long days because it really makes the time pass by quickly. It feels like it was just Thursday a day ago... which means I sort of skipped a day or two, technically, and now it's Monday! Chuckin' weekends right out the door, I guess. And back to another solid work week!

Practicing the wrong things.

It's just a very rough working theory but... perhaps I am attracted to the women who aren't trying to impress me, who seem more authentic and relatable, despite the increased probability that they are only acting that way because they are not even trying to attract me in the first place. This would explain why I often find myself attracted to women who I later find out are married. They are the women who are not seeing me as a potential suitor so they simply treat me like a friend/normal human being. It seems to make a lot of sense to me right now, anyway. And how annoying this is if it is actually somewhat correct. Ugh.

Crashing into the lives of my friends.

I am not alone in the experience of challenges in life. I often tend to forget about the people closest to me when I am struggling with the pains of failure or that which seems like failure, at least. Maybe saying that I "forget" them is a little strong... but my focus certainly seems to become very narrow. It is probably a natural thing for most people to do. I do recognize the value of diverting my attention to helping those around me but I definitely don't always act on it. Weakness. Insecurity. Laziness. Self-indulgence. I guess there's a bunch of reasons and easy escapes from doing the better thing. Now, knowing that one of my dearest friends is going through a struggle the depths of which I have never even fathomed in my own life, I am inclined to reach out in prayer on his behalf. He faces an incredible challenge. I truly hope for his successful navigation through it... and that he can find peace no matter the ultimate result.

Burning myself back into reality.

I don't really know what that means but it feels like what is happening to me. I droop a bit emotionally and just sort of push through it into my work and other regular life things of varying importance. I feel okay. That's a pretty good place to be already. I don't know if I am simply rejecting the pain I could be feeling or if I am just processing it faster than I used to in the past. Maybe I'm just a less sensitive guy now? Age does change us all.

Followed by a swift and unexpected crash.

Something like a swan dive, face first, into a frozen lake... naked. Okay... I just added in the extra parts for comedic drama. It isn't really that bad. I truly did(do) feel something, though, and there is definitely a sting that will likely ripple around in my head and heart for a little while(hopefully just a little.) I can't say she did anything wrong other than being herself. I know she isn't perfect. I know she isn't even particularly good at communicating with me, which is a two way thing, meaning I am not particularly good at communicating with her too. I know her situation is challenging for both her and, if I was ever allowed to be more than a friend, it would be challenging for me since I have little recent relationship experience and even less experience trying to be a parental type person. I know I am basically a screw up in life, which no doubt does not impress her or fit any sort of image she has for what she is looking for in life. Heck, I know all KINDS of things that are wrong with me that she could easily write me off for... I know I am a self-critical person to a somewhat extreme measure... BUT... I know that there's a possibility I could be just the right kind of person for her. That I could be the sort of guy that really makes her life better, that makes her happy, that truly loves her for the right reasons if she even wanted to give me a chance. Which she apparently did not. Maybe didn't even want to. Which is a bummer that I either misunderstood her or she just didn't want to communicate that to me very clearly before. I can assume she wanted to spare my feelings but that doesn't really matter at this point. The point is that I now know she doesn't even want to give me a chance at anything beyond friendship. And I have finally realized that chasing a person with that mindset is not a wise thing for me to do, for both her and my benefit. I will want to spend more time with her, do more for her, give her more of myself while she will not properly appreciate me for any of that. A totally one-sided exchange of energy without reciprocation. And in truth, I'd rather do that than have nobody... but in reality I should not waste my time or hers. She doesn't benefit from what I give her, of myself or otherwise... she only gets a skewed perception of how men treat her. I need more self-respect and that would not be the way to express it. Ugh. What a drain of emotional energy! Look how it has spilled all out into this semi-large, under-appreciated paragraph. I know it isn't a total waste of time, me writing all this down, since expressing challenging feelings generally helps one work through them better... but dang this is somewhat depressing. Ha. Well, at least I have my work to look forward to.

A swooning moment or two.

Today I spent some time with a woman who has caught my interest lately. It's a bit of an unusual situation for me, having already expressed an interest before having developed any particularly strong feelings and not having a reciprocated affection, yet I continue to share time with her knowing the risks I face of developing stronger feelings that might ultimately be totally unfulfilled... yet... I would rather take that risk and actually feel something for someone that inspires me than just run away to avoid the pain. I've probably said all of this before, even somewhat recently, but it bears repeating since tonight I had a moment or two of incredible appreciation come over me... a deeper feeling than that of interest or even a crush. It was not continuous or overwhelming in a way that one who it deeply "in love" might feel but even the brief spark of it left a noticeable and somewhat unexpected impression on me. She does inspire me. I'll be happy for that for now. I hope I can someday offer that sort of inspiration for her.

Almost done with my 39.

It is a bit of a weird feeling. I have built a lot of traits, tendencies, habits, relationships, experiences, and memories over the years. They are what I am... and, essentially, what I am soon to become. It is the strange alchemy of creation and reaction all bottled up into my life experience. Maybe I'll mix up the formula a little bit as I roll into my 40s. I do feel the pressures of age starting to creep up on me. I do need to do more with my life. And I am compelled to share it with someone now more than ever. Maybe my luck with finding the right woman will finally change(despite there not really being any reason for it to change. ha)

Connection through trial and tragedy.

It is interesting to see how a group of people can become linked through the various challenges in life. Sometimes it's a challenging person but often it is a challenging event that draws people together the quickest. The passing of a mutual friend is the sort of thing I am thinking of at the moment. We all shared a common bond with our friend that was reflected in many of our lives in such a similar way. It is a pain we will all experience uniquely on an individual level but sharing the loss of our friend communally somehow feels like a privilege... we all know how lucky we were to have him in our lives... and how his life changed ours for the better.

The heavy life decisions.

So... if my opportunity for love isn't here(and I'm not saying it definitely isn't) should I consider moving somewhere else to see what I can find? It could be better for my career but it could certainly be better for my potential family relationships. And what a tremendously difficult choice to make! There are so many unknown factors... so much I just don't see and can't predict. Sure, I know life is generally unpredictable anyway but it just feels like there is so much more riding on my decisions in life these days. Is it the weight of age? I don't really know. I know that time is an important element of life these days... and it feels like it's more important than ever before in my life lately. Though I'm sure the passing of my mother and another good friend recently certainly emphasizes this feeling.

To do lists are helpful.

And even though they help me remember all the stuff I need to do I still don't always complete them before day's end. It can be a somewhat defeating feeling but just checking things off as I go feels pretty good, too. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Bringing in the business.

Tacoma is a nice place but it lacks certain appeal to the major players of the film, video production, and cinematic realms. We have a decent number of corporate entities that can/would benefit from the available local resources for the video work they need but it seems that most of it gets outsourced to bigger markets. What can we do to prove we(the video production professionals in the area) are capable of filling those needs without the need to look elsewhere? It's a tough question to answer with any feeling of substantial understanding. But I know that just hoping it comes definitely isn't the right way to go about it.

Limbo just a little longer.

I am staying somewhat busy with my study and organization but haven't done much paying work this year yet and it begins this weekend. I will spend some portion of my time over the next few days just prepping for the shoots which is always nice as well. But, generally speaking, the deep breath continues. I don't really have any major pressing responsibilities and it's nice. I am extending my break and probably enjoying it too much. Or maybe I'm not enjoying it enough since my fortieth birthday fast approaches? Ya... I'll go with that.

The ever-present ambiguity.

I never quite know what any woman is thinking or how she feels about me. I never quite know what my dad is aiming at with his commentary or why he seems actually incapable of understanding a viewpoint different from his own... or maybe just totally unwilling to accept the logic of a different idea? I never quite know how to explain how I got to where I currently am in life, whether about the current state of my career or why it is that I can't seem to find a significant other despite all my best efforts. For all these things, each with their varying levels of complexity and/or frustration, I often take guesses and form opinions about possibilities or theories to explain them... and occasionally I have a feeling that I might not be as wrong as it might seem from the outside... but it all generally feels like a helpless cause without any possibility that things could ever change or improve. I can't say this is an encouraging attitude to have and I suppose it could sound fairly defeatist of me to paint it that way... but I do have hope. Maybe it's a fool's hope but it's my hope and I'll carry it around anyway. Hope might be all one can have in these sorts of situations but it's definitely enough for me.

A good friend's loss.

It is an incredible challenge to lose a loved one. Add to that a close friend also losing a loved one... well... that's just a bonus level of pain. But, and I do think this is strange, there does seem to be some unusual solace in the simple feeling of commiseration over such things. In an odd semi-coincidence, the friend that I am referring to also lost his mother relatively recently(about one year before Mom passed) and we were able to share some empathetic moments because of that as well. I am just highly grateful to have such good friends in my life... maybe because of the similar types of trials we can each face on our own and occasionally together.

Saying goodbye is never easy.

Especially when you don't really want to... especially when you aren't even sure it is being heard... especially when you know it is for the last time... especially when it is in the same hospital that my mother recently passed away in. I have lost friends in the past(not too many, actually) but I am not sure this is something one adjusts to. Every situation is as different as each relationship. Each person who passes represents a different sort of loss. And I don't think it is necessarily good to become "good" at dealing with loss or that it is somehow good to become used to it. Each situation is a new learning experience, I suppose. A lesson to remind us of the fragility and miracle of life in the first place. It is not a right that we, the living, can claim ownership to... we are truly lucky to experience it as much as we do. I guess it does remind me how little I recognize these thing and how much time I waste because of it. I should be much more proactive about chasing the things I want in life. The time I will get to find those things can come to an end anytime, unexpectedly or not. I'm soon to turn 40... is this my midlife crisis? Ha.

Basketball three days in a row.

I don't remember the last time I subjected myself to this consistent sort of rigor. I wasn't playing 110% the entire time so I did pace myself fairly well and I don't even feel ultra wiped out, strangely. But I do still need to lose some weight. I keep saying it but doing basically nothing about it. I'm all talk in this area... I guess I just don't have the true motivation to change. It's kind of annoying but I guess I've gotten pretty used to it. Ha. Maybe next time I'll do something about it... beyond procrastinating.

The power of friendship.

Today I learned of a friend's passing and again I feel the pain of loss with a certain sting. I would not say I was as good a friend to him as I could have been but I did feel the bond of brotherhood as someone who shared many personal moments with him, helping him with his emotional challenges from time to time, and sharing the friendly jab at my unattached relationship status. He was more perceptive and wise than most understood and definitely sought to do good to those around him with a pure motivation and purpose. He was quick to smile and unafraid to laugh heartily. He was an example of persistence and a true disciple of that which he believed in. And, despite the cliche nature of this statement, the world has lost a great person... and I don't mean just my world.

You can never be compared to a kiss from a rose on the grey... you are so much more than that.

Rest in peace, brother.
Rex Willis Christofferson
April 15, 1991- January 20, 2018

Doing the work that isn't work.

I love what I do which can get me in trouble from time to time. Not "trouble" in the normal way of thinking about it... more like "trouble" in the way that just isn't necessarily beneficial to me. The experience of doing it sometimes feels like payment enough even though I should get paid for my time. It's a tricky thing for sure. I guess the love of what I do is definitely not a bad thing despite all that. I just know I should be a bit more aware of being taken advantage of when it happens.

Turnabout?

I can't claim to even feel like I understand what is happening with her but she seems oddly inviting to me whenever I ask to see what she's up to over the last few or so days. I don't know if she has sort of changed her mind about me or if she just feels relief about whether or not she's leading me on, knowing that I don't believe she was acting that way which now means she doesn't have to worry about leading me on anymore... which could just be me overthinking it... as usual. Anyway... it's nice to see her smile more and seem to feel more comfortable than before. I'll just be happy with the seeming changes and go with it for now. Maybe I'll even see if she's interested in chatting about it(which seems like a certain mistake) just to actually see if I have any clue about things at all. Ha.

Rolling right along.

I'm down to 20-something of my last days before my fortieth birthday. It's a little bit weird, strange-feeling, and a tiny bit sad all at the same time. I'm staying productive but I think I could stand to be a bit more focused. I am saddened by my lack of a significant relationship in my life despite my abundance of so many other good things... maybe because of said abundance. I don't get to share my life with the woman I will build my future with. It might be a little strange to be feeling the tick of time in this way since I expect to have so much life ahead of me... but I don't enjoy being solo guy nonetheless. Life is good, though. I shouldn't really complain. I should be honest and if I do complain that's fine, too. That's all just part of the emotional scenery, I suppose.

Better to have liked and lost.

I was thinking I was being wise by trying to avoid a situation where I might develop feelings for someone who has written off that possibility in return. I was being a wuss. Screw avoiding the pain. Sure it'll make me complain about things ever once in a while(like yesterday) but that's WAY better than the alternative... not feeling anything for anybody. What a waste of life that would be. What a waste of life that has been! Life is pain but life is also love and I am a far better lover than I am at being apathetic... which is actually just being pathetic. So, back in the ring I go. Bring your punches and pain and loss you punk! Mine is an ammunition of a different kind.

The ever elusive "connection."

Finding myself at the lame end of another female rejection(don't suppose there's any other end to that, actually) I am naturally somewhat frustrated with myself. She doesn't feel a connection with me which is certainly not anything to blame her for. It's just a frustrating thing because I don't know why I would feel a connection with her... doesn't a connection imply both sides being involved? What the hell am I connecting to if she isn't connecting back? I don't get it. I don't really even have a good guess at the moment. I guess I'm just venting. I'm glad my feelings had not gotten too entrenched and this is more of a personal annoyance with how feeble I feel because of this sort of misunderstanding on my part. I feel extremely(maybe too much) confident in pretty much every other area of life... and this one just breaks me down. I don't mind being humbled by life's challenges in general... I can pull myself through just about anything... but having had essentially zero success in this area of life has only taught me how futile it is for me to even try. But still I do. The the wall I have been endlessly banging my head into doesn't seem to show a scratch but maybe my head is tougher for having done it. Maybe that's how it all starts? I just need a sufficiently damaged skull(metaphorically speaking, of course) to somehow attract the right woman. At this rate I'll be 80 before I figure anything out... if I figure anything out. Yay for ridiculous patience! Boo for being such a picky idiot!

2017 - A Year in Review - The Year of Mom's Passing

This year has been slightly more roller-coastery than most. The highs were reasonably high, reaching greater achievements in my career than ever before, but the lows were as low as they have ever been for me which is nothing of small remark. The year could be called a "bad" year when considering the loss I have experienced... and I wouldn't blame anybody for giving it that sort of label. However, I will call it a year of learning about life and death... the year that changed my life in so many ways. Whether it is a "good" or a "bad" year might only be determined by what comes next. What will I become because of it? What will I become in the wake of this year's challenges?

The early months of the year started strong. I helped kick off the production of a podcast as well as starting work on the production of a low budget feature film which basically absorbed a full month of my time by itself. I was also called in to help with a couple pilots for Screaming Flea which was very rewarding and challenging and fun. Between work I was doing for SFCM(Screaming Flea Creative Media) and all the other projects I was involved with I only took one or two days off until sometime in the middle of the year... which was when life started taking a turn for the unexpected.

In late July/early August my business as well as the company I worked for both essentially disappeared from my life. Both of them were complicated situations that I am still not entirely sure what to do about. It was also at this time that I dove into the VFX and color work for the final push on the feature I had helped shoot earlier in the year. We were trying to meet a basically impossible deadline so I went into the editing "cave" at the directors house to crank on it for basically all of my waking hours, every day of the week until it was complete. I enjoyed taking a couple days to join the family reunion out on the peninsula but did not enjoy the beginning of the end for my sweet mother as she suffered a heart attack the night I left to get back to work. I went to the hospital to be supportive for a day or two but as soon as it was deemed she would likely survive I delved back into the "cave" to press onward with my work. It was incredibly trying at times but, after countless hours and revisions and fine-tuning, we finally completed the work in late October. During this time Mom had to head back to the hospital to deal with complications, head to a care facility when she showed improvement, then head back to the hospital where her body's complex array of issues eventually overcame her and she passed away from this life onto the next. I have never experienced such pain... something that lingers and resurfaces from time to time still... and might never disappear completely.

I needed a break... from work... from the pain... from thinking... from life. I didn't want to run away from the trials emotionally but I didn't really know how to deal with them, either. We convinced Pops to go stay with my sister and her family from Thanksgiving through Christmas so I took that as an opportunity to get away and drove him down there. I got to visit a bunch of great friends and relax and shoot a bunch of scenic footage and just be a normal person again. I visited Utah and briefly visited my old stomping ground in Northern California before coming back to Washington. I had some work I needed to get back for then I headed back to Utah for Christmas and to pick Pops back up. It was a great way to wrap up the year. The incredible level of peace and calm and quiet and solitude and nature were absolutely healing to my soul.

Now... I am back at home... home with Pops and my oldest brother. We are good for him as he needs the companionship. I haven't been working much yet but I will find plenty to do soon enough. This year has so much potential on the horizon and I intend to make the best of every opportunity. I started writing this entry days ago and, as one might expect, I had some trouble getting through the recounting of my mom's challenges. I intend to be more regular in my writing habits here again, though, and this is where I kick things off. Better late than never... and, as exemplified and stated so simply by my mother before her passing, "love is the answer."

Rest in peace, Mom. 2018 already misses you... almost as much as I do.