Fun and games... without a single lost eye!(Oreos don't count)

That is a very nice way to enjoy a Friday night after a long, hard week of school and work and more work.  I still have a decent bit of work and work to do tomorrow but I think it will end in somewhat like fashion since I have a wedding reception to go to near the end of the day.

The weather was tremendously beautiful today with all the turbulent clouds strewn across the sky!  It inspired some visual imagery in my mind that I would like to explore in my graphic design and illustrations sometime.

Beyond all that I think today's entry(technically it's the second entry, I guess) will just be a fairly short description of my general delight with the day as a whole.  Good times come to good people when they're good and ready for it... I just hope I'm good enough to be one of those good people once in a while.  If anything, today might have been such a day.(assuming I did all the things that might place me on the side of good... knowing there is only One who is truly good.)

Refreshed but out of time.

I thought doing this in the morning might be better... but I guess I need to wake up earlier to do it right.  Ha.  I don't have the time I would like to really crank anything quality out right now.

I did have a pretty strange dream that I remember a decent amount of... I was designing a website in my dream... which is sort of a bummer when I realize that real life is starting to creep into my dream world since I am working on multiple websites in real life at the moment.  Ha.  Maybe I should try to implement some of my dream ideas into one of them so people can think of it as a dreamy website?  Ha.

Anyway... Gotta run.  Got some website work to do!

Recognition of another form of opposition.

I think I probably write on many topics which are pretty seemingly obvious to many people.  Even though I will probably be doing that here as well I think there is definitely some good ideas to be culled from a few of my random thoughts(not to float my own boat or anything... I feel that if I learn something from it that anybody can also learn from it as well.)

So... Today's topic is somewhat difficult to describe but I'll give it a shot by giving it a couple sentences worth of description. - There are situations in life which naturally push people apart, and there are situations in life which naturally draw people together. -

I think that neither is inherently good or bad for the life experience.  It would seem that anything which pushes people apart is a negative sort of thing but I think there is always important purpose for these types of situations.  A simple example would be a newer perspective between said people.  Sometimes we are not able to understand each other in certain ways when we are too close to see the big picture of that person.  Distance between each other reduces the size of their influence of character and we can literally begin to understand things better because of their overall effects rather than the more focused, immediate effects which can often be misleading to the overall effect they are trying to present.  It kind of ties together with that metaphor about a large oil-painted masterpiece of something super cool.(I'm sure the metaphor doesn't usually use those kinds of descriptive words, but... hey, this is my metaphor for the moment. ha)  If your eyes are only a foot away from the canvas it is very difficult to get a full appreciation of the super-coolness of the whole image.  You might be able to scan around and actually see all the details, but man would it be hard to really take it all in and appreciate it for what it is.

Then, we have those situations which naturally draw people together.  I think this, too, is not inherently good or bad in its nature.  A simple example of this would be the powerful social effects of community and togetherness that we as a nation experienced when the 9-11 terrorist attack occurred.  This kind of thing always happens when any sort of negative thing occurs in life; natural disasters, illness or death always help bring people together in meaningful ways.  Sometimes it is just between two people through their mutual preferences, or common goals.  It can also be as simple as one shared experience.  Another negative that can arise out of being too close would be the possible cliques that sometimes form, creating alienation and separation between groups and individuals.  The list of good and bad things is immeasurably lengthy, no doubt.

I really don't know why I felt this was a good topic to write on tonight, other than the feelings I was having about it earlier.  I was thinking about this stuff while I was at work today and I'm not sure what inspired it in the first place.  I can't remember what some of the more interesting thoughts I had on the topic then were, but I came to several new ideas while exploring it tonight.  I think it might be a good topic to explore further when I am a bit more on the less exhausted side of things.  Plus, I might be able to add in some more of the humorous elements that I have been severely lacking in lately.

Perhaps I should start writing this in the mornings rather than the evenings?  Ya... I'll try it out tomorrow to see what I think of it.

The happily uncomplicated day.

And I guess I would normally have to be the only person to blame whenever it is anything else... so I'll gladly take the credit for the certain days of smooth sailing like today has been.  Ha.  Actually, I can't even really do that since I certainly have no control over the people in my life... but I am sure glad for their help in any case!  Although, I might be pushing it with this overly lengthy description of said circumstances. Ha.

Really, I am pretty sure the main complications of my life just come from my own brain most of the time.  Well, not just the brain as much as the typical conflict between my brain and heart.  They're both pretty stubborn combatants that find the common ground with little regularity.  I'm sure it's a pretty normal thing but I am sure it doesn't help that I get lots of time to think to myself throughout the course of most normal days.  I do commute a lot and sit in a car at my regular job and have two five-hour classes a week and take a decent amount of time out of every day to do some writing on said thoughts.  I'm somewhat amazed I haven't been committed to an insane asylum... yet... though, I don't think I'm crazy... but isn't that what the insane people actually think anyway?  I guess there's still plenty of life to find out the truth.  Ha.

Tomorrow should be nice.  A buncha work capped off by a bit a' play at the end.  Hope my body can handle it... or my brain can prevent my body from not handling it.

To be the mysterious me, or not to be?

That is a question that I pose to myself when I consider the typical effect I as a person seem to have on the opposite gender.  I generally don't want to be mysterious since it seems to me like a bit of dishonesty and encourages a disconnect from reality.  But, as I seem to find more and more evidence leading me to believe that I am generally intimidating to said gender, I wonder if I should climb back into the shell of obscurity so to speak.

I once thought I would do better to come out of my shell:

http://aaroncastillo.blogspot.com/2007/10/long-overduenot-library-book.html

Or maybe I appear too dramatic by merely writing on these topics as much as I do?  Ya... I'm sure it doesn't help my case.  At least not from the perspective of a possible suitor(can a girl be considered a suitor?... maybe I'll look that up later. ha.) I probably sound whiny and all kinds of woe-is-me... I hope that's not the case.  I feel pretty positive about things even though I feel totally inept about how to go about doing things the right way.  This is one of the ways I learn how to change things for the better.

Or maybe I just need to forget about the whole realization of my intimidation factor and just go on intimidating girls left and right?  I seriously don't know how that could be smart to do for any reason.  What a silly idea... I suppose the looming lethargy I am experiencing is having a greater effect than I'd like.

In any case, I will just go on as I have been until I can come up with a better plan.  It will probably take some work to formulate but so does making just the right caramel for caramel corn... one ingredient at a time.  And I can't forget the humor ingredient for sure!(even though I seem to be forgetting it every night. ha)

Oh well... There will always be tomorrow.(famous last words of the procrastination king)

School is cool... except when the A/C is broken.

Luckily it didn't really get all that hot today, and it was only a bit uncomfortable in one of my classes.  Good thing I really like my screenwriting class.

I think it is a highly interesting topic that has a lot of depth that I never knew existed.  It's kind of a strange industry(movie and television) in that for something so highly visible in everyday culture, it really has so much going on behind the scenes(literally!) that nobody ever sees or ever really finds out about.  I understand it is a major industry of some sort of immensity... but how immense is way beyond me.  Fascinating stuff.  Sorry, I won't really go into any of it here right now.  Maybe another time.

My Pop is a funny man.  Things will never be the same with him but he is still one of my greatest heroes. Life certainly has a way of helping you to recognize the big things in life sometimes.

Here's to keepin' it short once in a while!(and somewhat closer to humorous than normal)

Enlightening conversations.

I've had several good conversations with a few good friends of mine over the last few or so weeks that revolve around the whole girls/dating/relationship/marriage sorts of things.  I just now sort of put them in the order that I think most people probably think is the most logical but, through the discussions I have been having with said friends, have come to realize that my idea of logical on the topic is probably not what is expected of me(or anybody that would be considered an "older" single adult.)  And sometimes it seems that people think us "older" folk are probably more in the mode of dating/marriage as if we don't want to waste the time for the relationship part of the whole process.  I am sure I am certainly wrong in this assumption in many cases but all I have the experience I have to go on with what generally happens to me personally so that is what I am writing from.  Sorry if I offend anyone who may actually be reading this that thinks I am off my rocker!

In my experience I think I tend to scare girls away because they don't really understand my intentions despite all of my best efforts to make them as clear as I can.  I think they see me and assume I must immediately want marriage or something extreme like that which is WAY too much for them to handle... but to be honest it is WAY too much for me to handle too!  The whole situation is a very challenging hurdle to cross from the very start because of these preconceived notions.  I don't know what I do that makes a girl think these things other than the fact that I am making all my best efforts to become that awesome potential future spouse that I would hope any girl would be looking for.  There must be something I do or say that makes girls think this stuff... but I am extremely clueless what that would be since I almost pathologically avoid using any kind of speech that would lead one to think I am that way.  I know the culture I am in must be the main contributing factor to this misperception and I think I have not realized how much it has been getting in the way of things before my recent realizations.

I feel inclined to now make an explanation of my intentions regarding all of this stuff.  I want it to be as clear and straightforward as I can make it but I'm pretty sure I will mess this up too.  It is impossible to appeal to the perfect understanding of everyone but at least it might make sense to someone.  I also feel inclined to add that this is definitely not directed at any one girl since the things that have prompted me to write on this topic are literally a collection of experiences, with multiple different girls, that are all nearly identical in their results.

First, I will start by describing what I see as an ideal path to marriage: girl/lengthy relationship as a friend(with or without dates mixed in)/lengthy committed relationship as a couple(lots of dates and other shared significant experiences)/marriage to my best friend(the girl I am able to serve and make happy, the one that inspires the best in me, sharing mutual respect of each other, sharing similar goals to build a family in the gospel.)  I will also add a couple definitions to this description.

The term "lengthy" is an admittedly ambiguous term.  I think in the context of both friend and committed relationships "lengthy" would probably be anywhere between 6 months and a few years or more depending on the girl.  The sad part for me is that any girl that I have become friends with for any kind of "lengthy" amount of time has always placed me in the "friend zone" by the time it seems like we are excellent friends and I have yet to meet a guy who has ever gotten out of that zone once he has gotten into it.  To me it seems like the place I should try to avoid if I am ever to break through to the next level but it doesn't really seem to fit with my aforementioned ideal path so already I feel like I am kicking against the societal pricks, so to speak.

Second, I think the cultural pressures naturally inherent to the family-oriented lifestyle of the gospel definitely skew what people think is the way things should happen.  I have nothing against this important mentality to follow the gospel plan as best we can... but I do have a problem with the expectation that it fits for everyone the same way, because in reality it doesn't fit anyone the same ideal way.  Sure, many folks go hit the BYU scene and have a certain expectation that they will find and marry their future spouses like it's the normal way of things.  Certainly there are many success stories which arise in this fashion.  But, in reality, the percentage of folks that go through that plan successfully is definitely in the minority when compared to the church as a whole... not to speak of the minimal difference in the success rate of said marriages compared to the church as a whole.  Admittedly, it seems like a nice way to do things.  It almost makes it seem like it makes life easier and better... but I have never learned anywhere that easy is actually better... even though I want it to be sometimes.

So where do I fit in to the whole scheme of things?  I don't really know.  I know that I can look at the numbers and literally narrow myself down to a VERY rare minority of people who are in the same position as me.  Rare enough that I have never met another person in my position really at all.  At least when looking at the general life experiences I have had.  But this doesn't make me unique in the human experience of trying to find your spouse in life.  The unique experiences of my life, the atypical choices I have made, have all served to fit me for the very same roles of husband and father like anybody else's experiences and choices have.  Despite all my raving that I have a different view of this whole thing than the cultural norms, I am really just the same sort of man that many of us are... that is, the intended goals I have in the end(raising a righteous family in the gospel.)  All the experiences and choices have only serves to create my unique character which I have to hope will someday be appreciated by a girl whose affections I share.  They don't make me any better or worse than anybody else.  Just different.  The only person like me that anyone will ever find in this life.

In conclusion(this is starting to sound like an essay for a class more and more. ha) I have to sum things up like this(I do apologize if any of this seems like new information): If I want to take a girl out on a date(or a second,third,fourth, and so on) it is simply to develop better friendship with that girl.  If I tell a girl I am attracted to her it does not mean I have feelings for her(these are separate things for me.) but it does mean that I would like to see if we can build a good friendship together just in case potential feelings for her do grow out of that friendship.  If I do have feelings for a girl it does not mean I want to marry her(or even be in a committed relationship with her.) but it does mean that I would like to see if we can build a good friendship together.  If we can not build the friendship as I would hope then it's okay, no hard feelings, and this would ultimately make it easier for me(and I would expect her) to move on in our search to find somebody else.  If, after we have established a good friendship, and we have feelings for each other a committed relationship would be the next best step(although I have to say I really don't know what this is like anymore so at this point of my exceptionally lengthy exposition I am pretty much just going on what I hope could happen.) and this would allow us to further strengthen our friendship and mutual bond in meaningful, personal ways beyond regular friendship.  Then, if we recognize the importance of each other in our lives... I make a certain proposal which, if the development of our relationship has endured the immensity of my faults up to this point, I am blessed to have found the girl I commit my life to for eternity... which begins the next chapter of our lives together... which is a topic for a different time.

I hope that this is clear to others in a way that is clear to me.  And even though I have written out a very specific ideal here I know that the real plans for me are likely very different.  I can definitely accept whatever is in store(especially since I have no choice. ha) but hope that my efforts here can somehow help the cause nonetheless!  I haven't written at length in this magnitude for quite some time.  Any who read this are stalwart, exceptional friends in my book!  I hope it has been a pleasant read.  And if anybody who has read this and has any thoughts on the topic I would love to hear them anytime!  Seriously!  I would love to hear anybody's perspective on this stuff so I can get a better understanding of what people really think... FAR superior to what I think people think.

Thanks for reading and have a great week!

The longer days can sometimes seem short.

And I think that would especially apply to days like today when there is literally only two different major activities that I participated in all day long... 12 hours of work, and two and a half hours of a dance.  Yes, being at work for 12 hours certainly makes for a very long experience, but since it was all pretty much the same thing it makes the day seem very compressed in retrospect.  I know I am pretty exhausted but I think this is making sense... at least it is to me.  Ha.

I noticed after the fact that in yesterday's entry I didn't really explore the potentially comedic realm very much(if at all!) which basically goes against the prior evening's entry almost entirely.  I am pretty sure I felt alright about yesterday's entry as I was writing it, and I don't think it was a necessarily bad thing to write about, but I need to be more diligent in keeping to my commitment... even if it is a commitment to something as seemingly silly as humor!

So... here's a silly attempt at recompense.  It's a punchline without a joke: non-sequitur cow!

Tomorrow we fast and pray and later we eat.  I look forward to all three with great anticipation!

The value of praise.

I had forgotten what it feels like to be visually appreciated by a woman until today.  The sad part is that it was by a married woman.  Though I still appreciate the praise far more than I would have thought I would if I were outside of the situation looking in as an observer.

Perhaps the fact that it came without any pretense is why I respect it.  This woman didn't even tell her opinion of me to me directly and probably doesn't even want me to know.  Admittedly, it does make me feel a little odd when I consider the source as a married woman... but words of praise are still words of praise.  Especially strong words of praise.

And, as I alluded to earlier, I really had forgotten the feeling in the first place.  I have been given compliments on little aspects of my look here and there("that's a nice tie.""you look younger than your age.""nice haircut.""you have your own style.") which are all pleasant, and certainly appreciated if somewhat quaint and sometimes a bit forced feeling.  But I am pretty sure that the last time I was really given a compliment like this was well over a decade ago... I honestly can't remember who or when it was but I think it was probably one of my girlfriends(a VERY long time ago.)  I haven't thought of myself as an attractive guy for so long I stopped thinking it was something valuable to my self-esteem and changed my perspective into thinking it really didn't matter to me... but apparently it does since I am bothering to write about it right now.  Life is just full of surprises!

I can't imagine what it would feel like to be praised in such a way by somebody that I think of in a similar light.  I can't imagine it because I think it would probably knock me off my feet regardless of the other types of attraction we may or may not share.  I think it might just be a guy thing.  I can't even claim to understand it at all(lack of experience I guess.)  What a strange situation.  I guess everybody is attractive to somebody.  I guess that the few people that see me this way are so far between that the odds of me being attracted to them in return are literally like a million to one.

What have I been thinking all these years?  Maybe I'm just too tired right now to remember.  I probably need to forget about this stuff for now... it would probably only serve to frustrate me.  Like many of my pondering exploits, this is all just an exercise in futility.

Humor saturation level.

Another thing I have noticed as I have been reviewing my old entries would be the general lack of humorous elements all throughout... this is a sad feature of my former self that I would like to remedy.  I realize the value of good ol' fashioned honest writing but it can certainly be very dry without a little comedic spice sprinkled throughout.  So this might be a bit of a rough start(especially since I don't really know how to write humorously on purpose very well.)

Does this mean the things that I will write from now on will be funny?  Nope.  Does it mean that I will try to make everything I write from now on funny?  Nope.  Does it mean that I really understand what makes people laugh?  Sometimes.  So, I guess this means I will definitely fall flat a lot of the time... and I'm fine with that.  Every deck of cards only has a couple jokers.  I write every day so the odds of me having a better ratio than that are not all that great.

Any way about it I will say that this is a bit of a new commitment for me.  Witty, insightful, and fluid writing is my goal.  If I can present my thoughts according to this relatively high personal standard I will feel like I have become a success... at least for that particular entry.

I guess I really need to pay attention to the more humorous bits of each day if ever I am to succeed in this endeavor!  I almost feel like I need to write a joke down right now.  Too bad timing has never been one of my strong suits!

An extended process of reflection.

As I have been transferring my old blog entries over to this blog I have naturally been given to reading them.  Part of my purpose for writing them(as has been expressed in one of my more recent entries) is to put myself down for later review and personal understanding... or maybe I didn't express that in the aforementioned "recent" entry... anyway, that is one of the reasons I blog.  It is also one of the things I don't do enough of.  I am quite glad for practically needing to do it as I transfer the old entries over.

I have to say life is an interesting course of progression.  As I read some of them I find certain themes which have not changed very much in my life at all but I also find that I definitely have changed in some ways as well.  The nice part of this reflection comes when I see the changes I have made in life to the negative things that needed changing.  Even more so when those negative things took a very long time to change!

I guess this further inspires me to be diligent and thorough in my expression of self here in these seemingly insignificant blog entries.  I know my audience is very small based on how few hits the website records of people viewing it(which is anonymous in the first place, and likely very inaccurate since I'm pretty sure there are web bots that randomly hit my blog without any actual human interaction a lot of the time), as well as the even fewer people that take time to make any comments on any of what I write, but that doesn't take away from the selfishly personal reasons this all seems like a good idea.  I certainly always need all the help I can get!

I am glad to be writing for the future.  Perhaps if I get lucky enough to find a wife, she might enjoy reading about much of my life before she entered the picture.  Perhaps if I get lucky enough to have kids as well, they might enjoy reading about my generally humdrum life before their mother turned my life around and put my life into motion toward my greatest life goals... them.  And, just in case I do get so lucky, I have to apologize for taking so long to find you all!  I'm sure I could use a hug right now.

I hope none of this sounds particularly depressing!  I am feeling pretty good about life.  I just like to create potential conversations on occasion.  It's really quite fun and everybody should try it sometime if they haven't done so already.

Inexplicable energy levels.

This is a topic I don't think I have addressed much of at all... but I have certainly had the question in my mind on many occasions: If I have been up for nearly 20 hours(or whatever lengthy span of time it may be), have been very physically busy for much or all of that time, why is it that I am not totally crashed out in the deepest slumber my body can manage right now?

I don't even know how to speculate on this sort of thing... maybe since I have almost always been at a loss for the way to properly describe the way my energy cycles seem to defy logical reasoning.  In my research about sleep I have found that waking at the proper time during your nightly sleep cycles can have a significant effect on how easy it is to actually get up.  I don't remember learning much about how it affects the overall energy level for the day as a whole, though, and I tend to think diet might have a greater role in this topic anyway.

In any case I really need to be sleeping soon.  I have a very busy day ahead of me tomorrow and I want to make sure I am performing in tip-top shape... which would be better than tip-side or tip-bottom shape I guess.

Infused positivity.

I don't want to be a "Negative Ned" about all the challenges I have been going through lately.  I have been reviewing some of my posts over the last couple months and it practically looks like I have nothing else on my mind other than "wo is me" whenever my heart gets a little squeezed.  I am sure it is a natural thing for anybody to do when they have these sorts of feelings but turning them on their head and finding the silver lining is usually my method of attack so I would like to get back to that.  Now certainly there is a positive benefit to be gained by expelling the negative feelings through writing so I don't think what I have done is anything to regret, but I really want to be more of a positive light than a negative shadow... because who wants to read about my pains?(other than me. ha)

So... Let's try it this way.

I feel the pangs of heartfelt sorrow right now.  It is more for the challenges that my dad are going through but there is still a bit of the sadness of girl estrangement as well.  My dad make a specific request for me to come be with him(which is pretty much the opposite of the girl thing. ha) which puts my heart in overdrive when I consider when I might be able to go visit him again... which probably won't be until Thursday morning.  I know he is in good hands, though, and I have to trust the Lord is at the helm of it all.  That does make it a little easier overall... but still the heart struggles.

I like a good joke at pretty much all times of the day.  I really like the sound of laughter(at least when it is audible above my own obnoxious laughing) and even thinking about does bring a nice lightness and warmth to my heart.  Looking forward to the warmth of my bed also fits that thought chain quite nicely.  Ahh... to rest again.  Good times!

The comfort and peace of truth.

There is always a good deal of relief in the recognition of literal, actual truth.  This applies to any principle of truth.  It infuses clarity into one's perspective of that element of life.  With this clarity all of the fears, doubts, and uncertainty melt away into nothingness naturally.  We gain the benefits of truth by merely being in its presence, by witnessing its existence, or simply living it.  Truth is unchangeable and eternal... the only things that change about it is our perspective and understanding of it.

I guess I needed to relate of few of my thoughts on this topic although, truthfully, this was not where I expected my thoughts to be headed tonight.  I have had a splendid, truth-filled day to be sure but I was feeling rather more personable than this happens to be before I started writing.

I am so thankful for my friends and family.  They truly make me a better, happier human being... emphasis on "being."

Emanating gratitude.

There really is nothing like hearing the words of thanks uttered during a prayer or testimony which have their meaning absolutely evoked by the character and circumstance of the one offering them up.  Tonight, in one of the most moving moments of my life, my father was the voice of a family prayer we offered circled around his bedside at the hospital.  When he spoke his thanks for this day, emphasizing his recognition of the literal blessing to be alive on this day, in what may have been his first uttered prayer following his recent open-heart surgery, I felt very deeply the meaning of his words... as well as each of the following statements of his immense gratitude.  It touched me to the very core with great force, yet with great sensitivity as well.  You definitely gain a different appreciation for each day of life once its mortal continuance has literally been questioned in your own life.

I am a changed man because of today.  I make the statement in a less rhetorical way than I normally do.  I really am someone different.  It is not anything dramatic but I definitely feel it.  I hope it is for the best.

Writing myself into oblivion.

I can not remember all the reasons I decided to start writing my thoughts down.  It was quite a while ago and I know my personal reasons for doing it have certainly evolved over the years.

I think it was more of a self-healing sort of activity at first.  It has truly been a great stress reliever over the years and still continues to hold that sort of important personal effect for me today.  This is definitely still one of the main reasons I continue to write as I do.

It has also become a form of creative expression from time to time.  I am sure it always fills this role to some degree as the nature of writing anything at all is automatically creative.  It is certainly a great benefit to me as an artist and sometimes serves as my greatest artistic passion at some points in my life.  Writing is not just an activity of creating ideas from words, it is an adventure in the exploration of my thoughtscape in search of their meaning, when the writing itself is not formally taking place.

I do it to learn about myself.  I have great need to understand what makes me tick and how things might be working in my mind.  This does of course imply the thing are actually working in my mind... which may or may not be the case.  It is certainly an interesting process of discovery, though, as in many of the moments I take to review the things I read, it always seems to feel like I am reading the writing of a different person and learning about them.  This is somewhat true as I know that people are always evolving and changing anyway... but the core of the truths I attempt to express can still be instructive to me at later points in life.

And I most definitely do it so others can learn about me too.  I have always been a huge advocate that a book should not be judged by its cover.  This need spawns out of my empathy for those who struggle to be understood by those around them.  I know I am not alone in this feeling but I definitely feel that I am nearly continuously misunderstood.  I write to try to be as clear and honest about myself as I can be because I want people to understand who I am.  I write because I guess I think it can help people realize they are not alone in their feelings of dissonance from society.  I write to express my weak and pitiful self because I feel it can in some way build me up and strengthen me through the recognition of my faults and lowly place among others.  I write to express my grander, more lofty goals because we all need to have them and I find inspiration in sharing them.

I hope I can continue to be true to myself in my writing endeavors.  I feel like I have lost important friends to my rash exuberance in writing over the years and the sting of it certainly settles me down a lot as I now contemplate it.  I think I have been more selfish in these endeavors than I should have been and now I feel the price of that loss.  As a committed writer I really don't know what to do... I guess this simply comes of the pain I feel at the thought of having hurt anyone I consider a friend.  I really am sorry if I have offended you!

The duality of being.

I think I probably write on this topic in many different ways and probably more than I realize.  I guess it takes a lot of my brain power just to grasp its finer details to any useful extent. I think it is probably a way for me to reinforce my own desires to overcome it as well, though, since I know that actually putting the thoughts down in writing or speaking(or just about any form of communication for that matter) is a method of personal testimony on the subject.  It is also a way to commit to being better.

Anyway... that was on overly lengthy introduction to the topic at hand... namely, the duality of being.  We are all beings composed of feelings as well as intellect.  I once wrote on the topic in a different light, describing it as a battle between emotion and logic.  While I think some parts of my thinking then were definitely valid I also tend to think it was somewhat shortsighted.  I have experienced a few things in life since then which have lead me to believe there are different possibilities in the equation of determining what a person might/will do.

I realize now that, despite the deeper, even painful, feelings that one can experience, one is not always simply ruled by their emotional influences, good or bad.  I have even been blessed enough to experience this first hand on several occasions over the last few years, though not really noticing it when it was happening.  It has usually taken a retrospective glance at such situations to realize what was actually happening at the time.

Case in point: Today, and for much of the last couple or so days, I have been in an emotional pit(I can not think of any easier way to put it even though this description is not particularly apt.)  And, even though these deeply compelling emotions have definitely steered my thoughts in a somewhat unfocused form of confusion and self-doubt, I have patiently moved forward with the necessary parts of life.  I have done my job, some of my school work(no less than normal), and treated everyone around me with as much of my normal positivity as I generally can.  I know these activities have probably suffered in their quality to some degree... but I can not be apologetic for doing what I think is right regardless.

In simple terms I have still done the important things even though my feelings would have it otherwise.  Without really understanding how or why I guess I have progressed in life.  Where once I might have slumped into a more profound state of inertia, overwhelmed by the negative feelings I have encountered in the regular hum-drum of life, I now seem to persevere.  I am still far from the level of self-mastery that I would like to reach but I am happy to be somewhere closer to it now.

And even though I am sure it probably sounds like another sad chapter in my life I still move forward.  My heart has never been the enemy of my freedom to choose... even when it finds itself wanting.

The pinnacle of my faith.

I feel like I probably should when considering the current state of my life. My heart is sort of wrenching itself in my chest just thinking of it all. It is not something I want to continue and would ever want to repeat... but that is not the point of life, is it?  Times such as these will definitely find their way back again. They will put me under the same kind of stress again. I will feel the tremendous feeling of helplessness again. But it definitely will not kill me... again.

I still don't know how much I subscribe the the "that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" theory.  I don't remember any particular gospel principles that make the same kind of statement.  The closest one I can think of right now would be "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; ...for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (parts of Ether 12:27) This describes the necessity for the element of faith.  It also states the He will be the one making the strength.  This is something I of all people need immensely right now.

My unending failures to even maintain normal friendship with a woman that I have feelings for(which clearly indicates how little I know what I am doing) and the potential loss of my father in surgery tomorrow have left me in the pit of my own mortal feelings.  I do have an eternal perspective on things, put in place by my practice of faithful activities, but the heart part of my body is not ruled by logic or faith.  It only feels.  It feels the life of the body it carries and the pains it incurs because of these challenges.  Thus the struggle between the heart and mind continues.  I sometimes feel like a casualty to their war.

Tonight I will sleep.  Tomorrow I will act.  Whatever faith I have built up will certainly be spent and I hope and pray that it is enough to see me through it well.

One wacky week.

Things are certainly in a turbulent mood lately. My Pop has his serious physical challenges, I have midterms at school, and the weather can not make up it's mind in the slightest.  None of these things are really related sorts of things other than I get the privilege of experiencing them all firsthand... and it is only Tuesday!

A good thing about this all is that none of it has rolled into the negative area of things for the most part.  Despite the potential to do so they have all been more of an awe inspiring personal moment here and there. My Pop has been steadily improving, my first test of the week went well, and the snow/hail/rain/sun hasn't cut me off of any work yet.  It has made for some humorous conversation even.  I think that's pretty cool.  I wish I had the time to take some pictures of any of it.  It has been pretty amazing stuff.

In a very real, possibly metaphorical, way this just might all be the calm before the storm.  I know things can definitely get worse over the next couple days and, even though I certainly hope they don't, I hope I am prepared for the level of crumb that might get dished at me.

I am certainly glad I have so many supportive friends and family members in my life... I KNOW I would not be able to do it without there help regardless. And perhaps by the end of the week I will be able to say with nearly full alliteration that I've won the wacky week!

Is there such thing as a "super power nap?"

Because I'm pretty sure that is what I got today.  I think my sleeping habits lately haven't been too terrible but I guess my body really wanted the extra sleep anyway.  It was just as nice as you would think too.  And I even found out later that it was national napping day today!  Super cool!  Would that mean that I had more holiday spirit than all the people that didn't take a nap today?  Heck yes!

Now I just need to figure out when national grilled cheese sandwich day, national orange chicken day, and national ice cream day is!  I am loaded with holiday spirit for those days.

In other news I already got the results of my midterm test for screenwriting class and I got a 99%!  Sweetness!  I have two more midterms on Wednesday that I need to study pretty good for but doing so well on one out of three feels pretty good already. The one that worries me the most is my math one... I have been lagging all term and I really need to practice a lot over the next day and a half if I am to do well on it.

So, day one of this week has been far better than expected despite the semi-rough start.  It all turned around once I took the super power nap so maybe I should do that more often.  If only I could justify the loss of time under normal circumstances.  Ha.

Keeping expectations low.

It probably seems like a negative thing to do in most situations but I think it is probably a good idea in several of my current life situations. It also seems like a challenging balancing act, however, since expectations that are TOO low often don't produce results one would enjoy.  I am usually more inclined to go BIG or go home but I just don't think I have the heart for it right now. Especially since one of the situations might literally be a life or death situation.

I have a good deal of optimism about things though.  Some of it might be unfounded but I guess I am okay with that too.  I know the rest of life is holding up quite well so I guess I feel like I have lots of good things to fall back on if the ground falls out from below me.  This perspective seems a bit more selfish than I would like to admit since every situation in life involves other people.  I would really rather take the blow than cause any of them the grief of taking it themselves.  I guess this all becomes another life experience intended to strengthen me and, hopefully, them. Quoting the great Bruce Cockburn(who is basically quoting a cliche in the first place) "Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight." then comes his more original and beautiful lyric "You've got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight!"

I'm really glad Barenaked Ladies covered this song... I enjoy it immensely!  I'll probably go listen to it before I go to bed now.  Ha.

Help in the form of friends.

Not for the things they actually do to help but for their existence AS a friend.  I have often wondered why some people are lucky to have many friends and others are not, even though they are certainly deserving? One of the possible conclusions I have come up with is that I must have a greater need for friends than others... not just that I might want them more.  Friendship is an actual human need.

This must be one reason why I am so compelled to be a friend to others... that I might be lucky enough to gain more friends!

The role of a father.

I am not sure I have ever really understood the importance of my father in my life.  And I certainly can not express to any significant degree the thoughts I have recently had on this topic in my limited time here tonight.  I can say a couple things, however, that do hold some meaning I had not previously recognized.

1. My father is part of the reason I literally exist as I do.  Not just for his influential example, the shelter his labor provided for my family, or the genetics he lent me as one of his progeny.  A choice he made jointly, with my mother, to literally snatch me from the ante-mortal realm and claim me as one of their own... a choice has made all the difference in this soul's life, forming the foundations of my character, forged into something eternal, enduring, and unique.  A debt I can never repay in the slightest despite my greatest efforts to do so.

2. My father is definitely mortal.  A lineage I have inherited, which I hope to become worthy of.  I have always known these days would come, when we become the spectators to the foibles of man's corruptibility, but have turned a blind eye to far too much for far too long.  I must not remain the irresponsible slave to doubt and light-heartedness.  Life is far too precious.

Not knowing the outcome of this week's expected trials I am inclined to pass along a bit of a sad note.  My normally optimistic feeling for things has taken a bit of it's edge off... for I am nothing short of vulnerable.  I do have a calm assurance that if he should he close this chapter of his life soon that he is in good hands.  Something I am literally eternally grateful for.  Who could ever be glad for such a fine friend and father's passing?

Who is Oscombo?

I woke up this morning with this question on my mind.  It was the remnants of the dream I was having moments earlier.  I don't remember much about the dream other than the presence of somebody in the dream named Oscombo... who seemed like a pleasant chap.

So the follow-up question in my mind would be this: does Oscombo belong in my future life?  The basic and easy answer is, yes.  I can not say it is anything more than a whimsical idea but I think he would be fun to make into a character in one of my future writing projects.  I wonder what kind of character he should be?

Roguish? Comedic? Blundering? Suave? All of these things somehow combined into one person?

The empowering process of education.

Part of why I love going to school, especially in the realms of higher education, is because I can see a direct correlation between the things that I am learning and my future possibilities to do useful things with those skills.  It is especially delightful when those useful plans involve getting more money into my bank account.

Another reason I enjoy school is the increased freedom it brings me because of my increased abilities to express and communicate.  Communication alone is one of the greatest potential powers we have in this life.  Ask any of the ancient ones who were inspired enough to do the same.

Improving the aesthetic.

I know that I do not know much about the visual connection that is made between a couple.  I have always thought the guy is the one who is more visually attracted to the girl, but now I am tending to think it is a fairly balanced scale of attraction... though, for a girl it is not for most of the same reasons.

A man can have a very physical reaction to the mere sight of a woman he finds attractive.  Something compelling and deeply entrenched in his very psyche which often guides the way he will treat said woman.

A woman will evaluate a man's potential based on the visual elements of a man, sometimes lacking any personally physical reaction to the sight of that man. Strangely(with no offense intended to the women), it seems a more logical way to assess potential compatibility.  Men just don't seem to have this sort of logical control without having first developed it through learning and practice.

In any case, I am finally coming to understand the importance of creating a good visual representation of myself in order to attract the right woman for me.  Having little purposeful experience in this regard I feel I am quite behind the ball and recognize the immensity of my shortcomings in this regard.  I guess everybody has to start somewhere!

Learning to write in simplicity.

I have always known my writing style to be on the somewhat wordy side of things. I have also always recognized that I am generally over-analytical about just about everything.  Combine these two particular features and we get a person who has a very difficult time writing in basic description about just about anything.

I had an assignment to do just that in one of my classes this last week.  I found that even my research on the topic had to be overtly detailed despite the project's lack of need for it.  And when I needed to put my summary down of the research I could hardly make any succinct statements.  It was only time(or lack thereof due to rapidly approaching deadlines) which enabled a cursory rendition of my research to be made... and a lackluster effort it became.  I suppose I really need to practice this kind of thing more often.  It is a skill that could definitely benefit me in the future!

All that a woman can do.

I generally feel totally helpless to the power a woman can have over me.  Not just for her kinder qualities, beauty, or affable inquiries... but for how much stock I put into her opinion of me.  I simply want to do whatever I can to make her happy.  I don't exactly understand it but I think it actually makes me happier than just about anything else in life.  I could be wrong, but even making the statement feels pretty much right.

I guess I am just like all the rest... even though I don't really want to be... even though I am technically the only person like me.

The choice to become.

I have often been thinking lately about why it is that I am the way I am?  The thought that God made me this way has crossed my mind like a subtle piece of false information taken to be truthful... but I know that God has never forced me to do anything. So, instead realizing I am what I choose to be, I have to wonder... why did I choose to BECOME what I am?

This life is given us to prepare not only to meet our maker when the day of judgement becomes reality, but also to prove that through our greatest efforts that we are capable of gaining His own attributes, learning to BECOME to whatever degree like He is.  It then occurs to me that I am the only person to blame for what I AM.  I alone can claim the burden of being me.  God has simply provided the opportunity.

Workin' it.

Nothing feeds the soul like a good dose of good ol' fashioned work shift.  And, even though the work I do is on the very low spectrum of intensive labor, it still fills the core of my human needs with kindness and warmth.  The value of its beneficial distraction can not be overstated... especially when the woes of self-criticism are bearing down unnecessarily often.

The glorious pains of basketball.

I think sports are a great way to find an alternative focus even if only for a sometimes short while.  I have been riding a somewhat manic roller-coaster of thinking lately and, even though my body is in certain disarray to a somewhat system-shock kind of level, I think I really needed the diversion.  Life is full of pain and I guess it feels a little better to recognize myself as the source of this particular pain.

It also puts me into the mindset of testing myself against the harsh elements of physical fatigue and stress.  A man likes to get a sense of what he is "made" of, so to speak.  I am apparently "made" of some collapsing muscle groups, a wilting back, and a nearly useful right shoulder... with a small sprinkling of anti-inflammatories circulating in the system.  Not a bad place to be in all actuality.

Unsatisfying self-reflection.

I guess these kinds of things move in a bit of a waveform too.  I can think the loathe feelings of confusion and self-doubt are gone, and that I am feeling pretty good about moving forward in life, but they always find their way back into the cycle of my thinking.  It might be that this is the way it is intended to happen, as we struggle to overcome them each time we gain the strength which prepares us for the next coming waves.  I can not pretend to enjoy it regardless.

I still want to know what she is/was thinking about me and what has now become an unnecessary mess.  I want some sort of validation that I expect will never come given the diminished communication between us.  It feels silly saying there is even anything between us at all anymore.  What a bummer it is even thinking that.

It is very late and I am sure that exacerbates the whole topic in ways that I do not really need.  Next time I write on something this personally depressing I should probably do it in a less naturally depressed state of being... it is sort of like getting kicked in the back while peeing in a urinal... or maybe I am just saying that because, even though I would definitely be hating life if it ever happened to me, I am almost compelled to laugh audibly when I imagine such a overtly terrible scenario.  Maybe I am more sadistic than I thought.  Ha.