Enlightening conversations.

I've had several good conversations with a few good friends of mine over the last few or so weeks that revolve around the whole girls/dating/relationship/marriage sorts of things.  I just now sort of put them in the order that I think most people probably think is the most logical but, through the discussions I have been having with said friends, have come to realize that my idea of logical on the topic is probably not what is expected of me(or anybody that would be considered an "older" single adult.)  And sometimes it seems that people think us "older" folk are probably more in the mode of dating/marriage as if we don't want to waste the time for the relationship part of the whole process.  I am sure I am certainly wrong in this assumption in many cases but all I have the experience I have to go on with what generally happens to me personally so that is what I am writing from.  Sorry if I offend anyone who may actually be reading this that thinks I am off my rocker!

In my experience I think I tend to scare girls away because they don't really understand my intentions despite all of my best efforts to make them as clear as I can.  I think they see me and assume I must immediately want marriage or something extreme like that which is WAY too much for them to handle... but to be honest it is WAY too much for me to handle too!  The whole situation is a very challenging hurdle to cross from the very start because of these preconceived notions.  I don't know what I do that makes a girl think these things other than the fact that I am making all my best efforts to become that awesome potential future spouse that I would hope any girl would be looking for.  There must be something I do or say that makes girls think this stuff... but I am extremely clueless what that would be since I almost pathologically avoid using any kind of speech that would lead one to think I am that way.  I know the culture I am in must be the main contributing factor to this misperception and I think I have not realized how much it has been getting in the way of things before my recent realizations.

I feel inclined to now make an explanation of my intentions regarding all of this stuff.  I want it to be as clear and straightforward as I can make it but I'm pretty sure I will mess this up too.  It is impossible to appeal to the perfect understanding of everyone but at least it might make sense to someone.  I also feel inclined to add that this is definitely not directed at any one girl since the things that have prompted me to write on this topic are literally a collection of experiences, with multiple different girls, that are all nearly identical in their results.

First, I will start by describing what I see as an ideal path to marriage: girl/lengthy relationship as a friend(with or without dates mixed in)/lengthy committed relationship as a couple(lots of dates and other shared significant experiences)/marriage to my best friend(the girl I am able to serve and make happy, the one that inspires the best in me, sharing mutual respect of each other, sharing similar goals to build a family in the gospel.)  I will also add a couple definitions to this description.

The term "lengthy" is an admittedly ambiguous term.  I think in the context of both friend and committed relationships "lengthy" would probably be anywhere between 6 months and a few years or more depending on the girl.  The sad part for me is that any girl that I have become friends with for any kind of "lengthy" amount of time has always placed me in the "friend zone" by the time it seems like we are excellent friends and I have yet to meet a guy who has ever gotten out of that zone once he has gotten into it.  To me it seems like the place I should try to avoid if I am ever to break through to the next level but it doesn't really seem to fit with my aforementioned ideal path so already I feel like I am kicking against the societal pricks, so to speak.

Second, I think the cultural pressures naturally inherent to the family-oriented lifestyle of the gospel definitely skew what people think is the way things should happen.  I have nothing against this important mentality to follow the gospel plan as best we can... but I do have a problem with the expectation that it fits for everyone the same way, because in reality it doesn't fit anyone the same ideal way.  Sure, many folks go hit the BYU scene and have a certain expectation that they will find and marry their future spouses like it's the normal way of things.  Certainly there are many success stories which arise in this fashion.  But, in reality, the percentage of folks that go through that plan successfully is definitely in the minority when compared to the church as a whole... not to speak of the minimal difference in the success rate of said marriages compared to the church as a whole.  Admittedly, it seems like a nice way to do things.  It almost makes it seem like it makes life easier and better... but I have never learned anywhere that easy is actually better... even though I want it to be sometimes.

So where do I fit in to the whole scheme of things?  I don't really know.  I know that I can look at the numbers and literally narrow myself down to a VERY rare minority of people who are in the same position as me.  Rare enough that I have never met another person in my position really at all.  At least when looking at the general life experiences I have had.  But this doesn't make me unique in the human experience of trying to find your spouse in life.  The unique experiences of my life, the atypical choices I have made, have all served to fit me for the very same roles of husband and father like anybody else's experiences and choices have.  Despite all my raving that I have a different view of this whole thing than the cultural norms, I am really just the same sort of man that many of us are... that is, the intended goals I have in the end(raising a righteous family in the gospel.)  All the experiences and choices have only serves to create my unique character which I have to hope will someday be appreciated by a girl whose affections I share.  They don't make me any better or worse than anybody else.  Just different.  The only person like me that anyone will ever find in this life.

In conclusion(this is starting to sound like an essay for a class more and more. ha) I have to sum things up like this(I do apologize if any of this seems like new information): If I want to take a girl out on a date(or a second,third,fourth, and so on) it is simply to develop better friendship with that girl.  If I tell a girl I am attracted to her it does not mean I have feelings for her(these are separate things for me.) but it does mean that I would like to see if we can build a good friendship together just in case potential feelings for her do grow out of that friendship.  If I do have feelings for a girl it does not mean I want to marry her(or even be in a committed relationship with her.) but it does mean that I would like to see if we can build a good friendship together.  If we can not build the friendship as I would hope then it's okay, no hard feelings, and this would ultimately make it easier for me(and I would expect her) to move on in our search to find somebody else.  If, after we have established a good friendship, and we have feelings for each other a committed relationship would be the next best step(although I have to say I really don't know what this is like anymore so at this point of my exceptionally lengthy exposition I am pretty much just going on what I hope could happen.) and this would allow us to further strengthen our friendship and mutual bond in meaningful, personal ways beyond regular friendship.  Then, if we recognize the importance of each other in our lives... I make a certain proposal which, if the development of our relationship has endured the immensity of my faults up to this point, I am blessed to have found the girl I commit my life to for eternity... which begins the next chapter of our lives together... which is a topic for a different time.

I hope that this is clear to others in a way that is clear to me.  And even though I have written out a very specific ideal here I know that the real plans for me are likely very different.  I can definitely accept whatever is in store(especially since I have no choice. ha) but hope that my efforts here can somehow help the cause nonetheless!  I haven't written at length in this magnitude for quite some time.  Any who read this are stalwart, exceptional friends in my book!  I hope it has been a pleasant read.  And if anybody who has read this and has any thoughts on the topic I would love to hear them anytime!  Seriously!  I would love to hear anybody's perspective on this stuff so I can get a better understanding of what people really think... FAR superior to what I think people think.

Thanks for reading and have a great week!