A thought and a lyric. Not something likely.

Current mood: calm

I am in the day. Sitting here in the home of my parents remembering the time, lingering on the simple, pleasant feelings of the past. I have a grand sense of family and self which I am not often privileged to enjoy as I generally reside far from any of the strong reminders found here. It is a fantastic blessing.

I have had a high number of powerful, personally relevant emotions and thoughts that I have not taken, or created, the opportunity to properly explore or express lately. I have instead turned inward. I have stifled them. I have withdrawn from my self-prescribed standard of truthful expression. I have twisted, bent and mutilated them as I have tried to eject the unfamiliar, unpleasant ones from me. This inappropriate form of rejection has corrupted them and further frustrated me as it is quite unhealthy and typically outside my personal intention. I am trying to change this.

So, in my muddled array of seemingly disconnected thoughts, I am still here. I am still the same changing, overly introspective, highly self-critical, fellow I have ever been. I am seemingly lodged in the middle of a transitionary moment of my life instruction. How well am I listening to what is being taught? I don't feel I am doing very well at all right now... maybe I am storing these experiences to be gleaned from in the future. Maybe to create a retrospective foundation needed for the particular trials found in that particular moment to come.

I have been feeling a bit of the emotion take the shape of a lyric or two so I thought I would go with it to see where I stand. It is sort of an exercise for me that I wish I would do more often.

I have a soul

it lingers in sorrow

Spoken like the doomsday prophets of tomorrow

Mine is a trial

In silence I bear it

The mask seen is comedy, the tragedy I wear it

Subdue the self

Seer darkness with light

Learning to strangle the pride beyond my might

Enduring pain

It swells and recedes

Waves roll,crash and break, repeating my misdeeds

Chorus:

Lift my eyes up

Push my hands out

Carry my burden with yours

Bring me the peace

Take off my chains

Clothing my soul with the stars

Perhaps this all sounds fairly depressing in light of the the current season. I do not want pity. I merely felt inclined to open up a piece of myself out of a feeling of obligation to my personal code of honesty. I do not think this justifies in any way any wrong doings I have done to anyone. This is my therapy. I do apologize if any of this offends.

On a side note: I am quite sad that James Brown is dead. I really am.

In conclusion... I hope you all had as splendid a Christmas day as I have had. Many have sent me well-wishes which I have not returned even though I am quite grateful for them. Thank you!

I hope the new year is every bit as good!

Wandering in the northern country...

Stir me up, me.

Current mood: indescribable

I am compelled by self-disgust to write this. Disgust and ugly are very similar words... I just noticed.

I have had a bevy of other, realistically much more important, thoughts bouncing around through my head for the last "x" number of days or weeks. But this one has the substance of emotion and preeminent

consciousness that is often lacking in what I often deem "more important" in my expressed writing exercises. This one if fueled by confusion. THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYBODY SPECIFIC

I am needing to express. I don't even know what I am expressing. I am sure it seems negative from the outside, I did start this whole thing with the concept of self-disgust, but I don't really feel it is a negative thing. I am a person just like the rest of you. I am unique just like the rest of you. I have a different perspective on things just like the rest of you. I am predictable and unpredictable just like the rest of you. I am one of you, you see, and that is the important part.

I share parts of me that you may not have considered... or even thought exist in me. I take the time to share because it fills a need I have that I can't exactly understand or explain. I want people to know me better. I don't want there to be any secrets. Secrets is an even uglier word to me than I care to express right now. Maybe I will blog about it sometime. I would use the word 'hate' before using the word 'secrets'.

I know part of why I want YOU to know me... why it is that I don't want there to be any secrets. I have this semi-abstract notion that the more YOU know me the easier it is for US to communicate. Like it somehow breathes life into understanding each other on higher, better levels. Like it can somehow put us past the level where I can still hurt YOU... like as if that level exists or something. I have ZERO desire to hurt people EVER... but I go about doing it because I, and WE, am flawed. What a bitter-sweet

learning experience.

This is not a self-pity rant. If you feel this is affecting your mood adversely I apologize! Know that I only want the best for you. And please think about that statement. 'You' does mean anybody taking the time to

read this. Plus I am in a much better mood than it may sound like. I am utilizing emotion right now. It is a crucial, purposeful experience I appreciate now and will appreciate even more so later.

Smile inside if you can't do it on the outside. Take the time to share yourself once in a while... it really is quite refreshing.

AGAIN... THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYBODY SPECIFIC AND SHOULD NOT BE PERCEIVED AS SUCH.

By the way... Self-disgust is a manifestation of my pride in this instance.

Scratch your head at these!

Current mood: weird

Weird Beird brings it to you live if you send it to him dead... and in neither case do the sentiments fold across the lines of sense or reason. It's just funner that way.

Free piece of happiness right here!

Eggs for laughing loudly.

Wise men can see it too.

All of it is inside the turban.

Wiggle it away with great caution.

Normal people live constantly.

Mires of gluttony are all around us.

Lamplight is only as good as the street you are on.

Whispers of a tortoise catching up.

Eleven dwarves may not be better than seven.

Who is the dog's therapist?

My brother sees your sandwich.

Apples and bananas, my friend.

Inquiries of a standard type fit the bill.

Lances and arms can both do damage.

Wild is often the least expected of the grapes.

Third place has nothing to do with it.

Can you feel the Tuesday before last?

Winding is not the right power to use.

Beg for the cookie loudly.

Running for a candle-lit presidency.

Throw it vaguely... it will never miss.

Every dead square only has only one coroner.

Counting to 30 only happens 11 times a year.

Eat the taco. Right before you want to.

In demand is the windy candy.

Lift it right to knee level for best results.

Shake those shells to be sure they go to heck.

A pot of coffee never wanders far.

Lingering in the lingerie is risky… or risqué?

A lemon a day just doesn't taste as nice.

Batting in the third place for freedom.

Level-headed thinking is over-priced.

Hyphenate often. You know you want to.

Listen to the end of the Nile.

Precariously overconfident he meanders.

Track them to their doom.

Grab it by the elbow and run!

Soil sits silently solving soliloquy.

To the hospitals best friends sister. She knows.

Ripened for three years strong.

Cowardly times filled with horseplay.

Writing on the wall in the west.

Laughter to the left of her.

Trance to chance is a change.

Wimps for hire. They owe us money!

Bob is a Robert in disguise.

Meetings don't taste good to vegetarians.

I heard that! That can be loud sometimes.

Funny thing… the wranglebobs whimpersnickle.

Ludicrous is Lenny's launchpad.

Winners never prosper in second place.

Cash it in… I bet it's worth a second look.

Who has a bay of electricity, anyway?

Long live the Dairy Queen!

Better men have tried the ties I wear with pride.

Seasonal sincerity suites the solemn sugarcube.

A zillion zebras! No way!

Those inside have many dimensions all around.

Poor is the new non-affluent.

The rigors of stapledom can be taxing.

Rock, paper, scissors… Superman still wins!

Lift the leg of justice lightly.

I'll see the aisles of isles.

Rip it left and lift it… 5 times fast.

Letter of the lawman Larry.

Candles for hire.

Torrid talent of twenty tiger tails.

Jump for the jingle in waiting.

Winter is only in your mind.

The center of a carrot? Anyone?

I hear you... often making sound.

Battle for the brawny. It's definitely worth it.

Ring the phone for me... dinner's ready.

Tasting that made me wince only once.

Gramma ran over a reindeer in her rubber-sole shoes.

Plastic is sometimes better than sliced bread.

Boil the burger for Brad.

Grumpy Grumperson gives great gifts gleefully.

Land a roll on my plate, will ya?

Thrice the mice with spice were nice.

The county lines are full of electricity.

My gob was stopped once. It never restarted either.

Trance in techno is totally the tastiest.

A is for the alphabet... so leave the alphabet alone.

I would love a piece... just don't light it on fire first.

Send the last one to her... she won't expect it.

Literacy in democracy is lunacy when fancy.

Random parts fly off in ringworm tarts.

The choice of the children is the charriot.

Mincing ribbons for Mother Riley's favorite cake.

Ten tons of toothpaste is too tempting!

Laugh at the lizard... he lingers in the light!

Wink if you smell ink.

But her better butter batter isn't bitter Lance.

Life in the city leaves the country clapping.

I will join for free. But only four times.

Gobble it green and gold.

Kansas is the place... Tuesday is the time.

Who really wants to "bring it" at the flag pole?

How many plates for puppies can you think of?

Ring the rung with the bell of brass below it.

Cows and moons just don't mix... they both refuse.

King Conan crushes cowards constantly!

Ordinary orders are ordinarily ours for hours.

Whip it up and spray it on that sandwhich there!

A gallon a day keeps the bathroom close.

Many have tried... few have sung while doing it.

Bigger companies with bigger budgets just blew up!

Announce an ounce and dance on Aunt's dents.

Fly far away and freeze the frail frost to play.

Chocolate in the canteen doesn't last long.

Wisdom and warriors can wait for years, I've heard.

Cut back on your length and candy time... You'll thank me.

Boys will be boys and never crickets... please.

Jump through a hoop. The hole part usually helps.

Grace is so sly sometimes. Who saw it coming?!

Fender class was a blast!

Forget the time when we shared that cheese?

Knuckle-bump for tall people! They make us feel shorter.

Ammunition is certainly friendlier than amputation.

Cannibals can. I saw it once... don't ask how.

Mickey Moose was so mad about that little rodent!

Passage to paradise is proud of it's presence.

Give the gopher a golf ball for gameday.

Tiresome Twosome tried the twinkies twice.

Bounce it off the garden gnome. He can't see you yet.

Five legs is not better than two... except for chicken.

Enter the contest of contrast... then immediately give up.

A log full of cheese suites you well.

Make it anything you want... you might need to.

Dribble a dozen down the drain with delight.

Burke's bandits bring bouncy balls before breaking Barry's back.

Limit the turkey intake and you're only limiting yourself.

Cats can do that too... I saw it before the accident.

When does the blimp arrive?

How crispy are those ones?

Terminals are only points. Some A and some B.

Plaid jello sure beats a kick to the head.

Simple solace of the service in solitude.

Free the inner pumpkin pie. It wants out now.

Fun practice in freeform thinking. Mostly uncut and unedited in order of appearance.

Enjoy!

~ Happy Halloween! ~

10 Years of Anticipation in Awkwardness A'plenty

Current mood: cheerful

So I recently took the rather splendid opportunity to return to my hometown in Washington with a couple things on my agenda. One of those things will be the main topic of my reflections here today. My 10 year high school reunion of the graduating class of Rogers High School of 1996.

My first suggestion when contemplating whether or not to attend would be to just go! I would not be concerned with many of the things I might bring to your attention here that might be construed as undesirable and dissuade you from attending your own reunion. Yours will definitely be a different experience than mine. I say "just go" because I doubt there are many social experiences in life to compare to it. It is sort of a unique situation with lots to learn from if you are open to the possibilities.

A few observations:

1. People have ten years of changing to do individually but generally tend to stick to the same old social trends and cliques that they were once familiar with when they were still going to high school. I don't think this is a necessarily negative thing... just a bit of an entertaining spectacle since people generally have changed individually and those old tendencies create a sort of awkward scene to behold. People don't always recognize each other, nervously glancing at name tags to find those formerly easily recognizable distinctions. I wonder what it feels like to search for that comfortable clique only to be mislead by your own eyes. I was sort of a nomadic figure in high school so, while I recognized many of those social conformities, I was always more content to watch them as a casual, interested observer, from within or without. Which put me in a relatively comfortable position in this entirely new, unique setting anyway.

2. People genuinely do want to find their good ol' buddies and reconnect again. This is perhaps the original intent of the reunion in the first place so it does stand to reason that this would be the goal of many of those attending. I myself quite looked forward to seeing many of the people there. Even though many of them were somewhat casual friends in high school I still feel very connected to many of them for whatever reason. A familiar face and a friendly smile is always a bonus to life.

3. Some people really take to the alcohol in a serious way. The alcohol is likely there for the purely financial benefit of the venue putting the whole event on... but I am sure they intend for a secondary benefit to those actually in the event... namely, that those in attendance can loosen up enough to put whatever nervous tensions brought about by the situation behind them and be able to socialize... sort of. It is sad to me because I know it to be a slippery slope that many don't understand how to control very well with that level of tension driving them, and it really drags me down to see somebody in such a position

of dependency. Maybe I shouldn't talk since I am not one who has any personal experience with alcohol. I only know what I have seen it do to those around me... which I have little tolerance for. Alcohol addiction is EVIL and I would never wish it upon anybody! Climbing off my soapbox now...

4. Everybody gets their preprogrammed replies going fairly smoothly pretty early into the night. This isn't necessarily a bad thing either. It allows for a quicker escape from the accidental connection to somebody in the wrong social caste... which is generally nice for both parties involved. It is kind of annoying for the people actually there for a real conversation or who are genuinely interested. A certain level of adaptation takes place, though, and they learn the game as well. It only takes a brief while to figure it out. --- Everyone is generally doing well... they want to know(audibly) what you are up to and if you are doing well... general small-talk about the oddity of the whole situation ensues... and wandering eyes keep the conversations short as each new target is acquired by one or both parties involved in order to keep the ebb and flow of the evening in motion... and onto the next participant. --- Positivity is the key. And while I did hear mention that there were a few people there actually keeping it real enough to mention the negativity of their own lives, I did not experience it first hand even once. Negativity is definitely an extremely awkward enhancement in such an already awkward environment. Tough stuff.

5. Some people look exactly like they did 10 years prior, but mostly everyone looks fairly different with some people looking like totally foreign comparisons to their former selves. This is the nature of the physical body... change happens. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. It is not something to be worried about in either case. The friends most people are really there to see are happy to see each other in either case. Everybody else's opinion likely holds whatever weight is given it but realistically does not

matter, especially since it is likely the only night most of those people will cross paths for the next ten years... and in some cases ever again.

Anyway... I had almost five hours of observation and interaction to inspire this ridiculously long installment. It was a totally entertaining time for me. I really wish it could have been longer and more people would have gone. But maybe that is just me.

To all who attended within the eyeshot of my blog: Thank you for coming! You are all awesome people! You really made an already good vacation even better! Please stay in touch as you feel comfortably inclined. For everybody else who did not, or could not, make it I hope to see y'all at the next one or sooner.

Here are some pictures from the event:

http://picasaweb.google.com/rampics96

I did not shoot these.

I snuck my way into several... think of it like "Where's Cas?" if you wanna make a game out of it.

Take care all,

Aaron

Learning to communicate - Part 2

Current mood: thankful

Nearly a year ago I started my perceivable exploration of the topic of communication. I directed those specific ideas toward the topic of my seemingly disparate communication styles of the written method versus the spoken method. In relation to that topic I can not claim the gap between the two is any closer than it was at that time. It isn't that I have not tried. I have just not tried hard enough... or the progress I may have made is just not recognizable by my own personal perception... or something.

This particular message, however, is intended to address an entirely different aspect of communication that I have been pondering more recently. I will initiate this concept with a simple statement intended to encapsulate those ponderings. Stated as such:

- Communication is inextricably connected to responsibility. -

A quick review of this idea will reveal many different ways this is true in many different aspects of both communication and responsibility respectively. I am sure many unique and relevant ideas that I have not even considered will come to the minds of any taking this statement into consideration. It really is a rich concept.

Communication represents the intentions, proficiency, and courage of those communicating. The messages conveyed become the converging point of these aspects, as all of those involved seek greater understanding or to be better understood. The imperfect, sometimes fragile nature of these aspects easily complicate the process and almost always result in misunderstanding to some degree. In short, communication is a complex and challenging thing which requires great effort to do well... it takes very

little disregard to disrupt.

The interpersonal nature of communication further emphasizes the responsibility associated to it. I am responsible to any reading this to be accountable for the things I present in it. These concepts reflect a particular belief I hold regarding the nature of communication and merely the expression of these particular beliefs establishes in any reading this a perspective of understanding into my character, and the expectation of commitment and consistency in said beliefs. Such is the case of all forms of communication. Any form of deceit, intentional misdirection, or lying is always a waste of time and a potential hazard in communication.

I actually struck out in the endeavor of this particular entry to contemplate the concepts of the responsibility tied to blogging. My mind is, as many who know me well, a bit of a scattered plate. There is so much more to say... so much more to understand. Perhaps another time.

This has been a relaxing deviation. My mind is at ease. I look forward to the days to come. I appreciate the many opportunities, the innumerable blessings with which I have been blessed. I look forward to my return to Washington this weekend.

Thanks for listening...

Keep up the good work.

I am but a man.

Current mood: mellow

I am... that I am.

Never perfect, never less.

I am what I am.

A trial in the days of tribulation.

I am what I feel.

Simple, selfish, sometimes satisfied.

I am the inside motions.

Leave them for the taking.

I am a quiter.

Only by result, never intent.

I am lonely.

The choices of the solitary.

I am a rampant, raging flash.

The pieces scattered about.

I am quite unseen.

Where do I linger?

I am boisterous and bold.

Taken as is needed.

I am a runner.

Heavy footsteps and heartache to match.

I am watching.

Not always aware of my surroundings.

I am into it.

Peace, happiness, tangible emotions.

I am a source.

Built with a desire to give.

I am right handed.

And always seeking balance, symmetry.

I am the sovereign of my will.

Fighting to defend borders of my serenity.

I am strong.

As only I am allowed.

I am of a cherished family.

Worldly wealth and riches lacking.

I am a purveyor.

Make it known from there to here.

I am a rambler.

As it may be perceived around.

I am patient.

Precious commodity to the world.

I am whispering.

When I have something important to say.

I am with my friends.

Souls to bring life and laughter.

I am of an artists touch.

Sharing the pieces in to out.

I am far away.

Unsatisfied and hard to see.

I am intelligence.

Seeking wisdom to guide me.

I am baffled and muted.

Leasing the tools of clarity and presence.

I am a craftsman.

Locking the powerful parts together.

I am aware of my time.

After it has echoed in my mind.

I am misunderstood.

Induced of imperfect communication.

I am without warning.

Unpracticed, fearless, unrelenting.

I am predictable.

Little change to confuse results.

I am loud.

In subdued white laughter.

I am what is around me.

Subjective, conformist, fallible mediums.

I am wrong.

Underprepared and without pressure.

I am of a great responsibility.

The future of infinite possibility.

I am a brother and son.

Ties that bind eternally.

I am alive in freedom.

Choices between right and consequence.

I am callous.

Whimpering untollerated.

I am unattractive.

To the ignorant and apathetic.

I am victorious.

Each step in the right direction.

I am still.

Dedication to revelation and understanding.

I am not you.

Unique, purposeful, full of potential, similar.

I am shaped by experience.

Past, present, and future.

I am happy.

Loving, together, and struggling.

I am optimistic.

Lacking fear not reality.

I am here.

I am but a man.

I am Aaron Michael Castillo forever.

I giggle with glee.

Current mood: amused

I am a deceptively large person I think. I am also a deceptively small person. "How can this be?" you might be asking yourself. Well I have a lot of evidence to support this, some of it even validated by technically respected sources, and it makes me smile pretty big inside my head... slightly below the surface of my skin. Sort of in the back of my throat in the top of my mouth. Ya... and also in the dizzy spot right in the very center of my head.

Exhibit A: I am only 5'8 and 3/4" tall. Did you think I was taller? Many people tell me that is what they thought almost every time height questions enter a conversation. I don't wear particularly large-sole shoes either. I am not sure what causes this particular misconception... maybe it is my tall forehead... which leads me to Exhibit B.

Exhibit B: I have a deceptively large head. I don't recall my exact hat size but most of the time anyone puts one of my hats on they are surprised to find it swallowing their entire head top and some of their ears. I usually get to laugh at them for their smaller head size with a hearty "Ha! Look at that tiny noggin!" And it sometimes makes me giggle even... I make myself laugh far too often for typically sane people to understand. Although it usually is not outwardly observable because of this fact. Plus I dig the feeling of laughing inside my head. It is a different kind of good feeling.

Exhibit C: I weigh just under 180lbs on most days of the week. My guess is that this seems a bit surprising to you as well. I am pretty dense compared to the standard person who appears my size. I am pretty sure the extra weight is mostly in my massive stomach which holds several large-sized meals at any given time. Most people eat small meals I guess. It is just a matter of perspective anyway. So here is a technically verifiable fact you could even check out yourself if you know where to look: My current BMI is right around 26.1, which classifies me as one who is considered overweight! HA! I am overweight! HA HA! That is soooo funny to me... oh... ha... What a good inner-smile I get out of that one. Just thinking about it... ah... whew!

Exhibit D: My arm span is roughly 6'1" in length. Yep. That makes me sort of like a monkey/ape type of person. Plus I jump high, enjoy climbing in trees, and laughing loudly in public(usually not simultaneously) but don't let that scare you away. I try not to be overbearing and I won't usually pick bugs out of your hair. I super avoid killing bugs on purpose... especially to eat them.

I am sure there are more examples of how my size is often miscalculated by most people, but I will leave the rest for you to realize on your own. I am sure non of this really matters to you anyway. I just like a good inner-laugh and I thought I would share one of my inner-laugh triggers. Good luck finding your own!

Farewell all. Even in Fairfield or not.

Santa Cruz is splendiforous... so sayeth I.

Current mood: refreshed

I must apologize for not telling anybody that I would be in Santa Cruz for a week. Oops. Really. I don't get my messages in almost any form very reliably due to various reasons but I have about five minutes to write a blog... or rather... a minor update.

So I realized the other day that I have a lot of fun teaching kids. I have always know that I enjoy being around them... but I never really realized I was not one of them until this week I guess. It is certainly a different feeling when you get the concept of the responsibility that comes in teaching the younger generation. It really means something different when you realize that they look up to you and are actually trying to glean something from you. Wow! Wow.

So take a few moments to soak that in. Really. Maybe it will even suit you as it has me.

Be back to the 'field soon y'all.

I have a personal assignment... wanna help me with it?

Current mood: relaxed

I semi-recently decided I would attempt to construct a sentence where each successive word in the sentence began with each successive letter of the English alphabet. I am only somewhat handy with the English language and set some rules for myself for this little exercise, in attempt to stretch my thinking and have a greater challenge, hopefully improving myself in the process.

Rule #1: Avoid consulting any form of word reference for ideas or help. - This rule was eclipsed when I wanted to avoid stepping on Rule #2 and could not think of any X words which filled that particular function of the sentence structure properly.

Rule #2: Don't use the easy X words like xylophone or x-ray(not really a word anyway) even if it can fit easily into the sentence.

Rule #3: Try to make it grammatically reasonable. - I am decent enough at grammar to be dissatisfied with something that sounds clunky and annoying. English majors would eat my sentence up with red-ink soaked teeth but I am shooting for the spirit of the exercise, not the letter(pun intended). (I love puns by the way... even bad ones... which, contrary to the disdain of popular culture, is not the case of every pun... be realistic, if you laugh it's funny)(Sorry about the excessive use of parenthesis)(Should I have used a footnote in this case? Someone please tell me if they know)

Rule #4: It does not necessarily have to make logical sense but if it can be poetic or meaningful that would be a plus.

So enough of the rules. Here is my third or fourth draft... a work in progress.

Any

Boy

Can

Do

Everything

For

Girls

Hearts,

If

Just

Knowing

Love

Means

Never

Overanalyzing

Past

Quarels,

Realizing

Silently

The

Underlying

View

Within

Xanthone

Yellow

Zealousness

I am not even sure if I put the commas in the right place, I did not previously know what xanthone meant, but altogether I think it turned out alright. It can always improve, though, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

*BLOG BONUS SECTION*

Some of you are aware I do this kind of thing for fun once in a while and I will award "Coolness Points" to whomever is able to construct correctly the most words consecutively in the last personal assignment I made for myself. It was the one where I constructed the longest two-letter word sentence I could come up with. I never did finish that exercise since I was not able to properly end the sentence once I got past the 12 word mark. My computer that had the file with my progress crashed, taking with it many precious files, but I can still remember the first 12 words. That particular exercise also had several specific rules which I can send to anybody interested in giving it a whirl. Fun stuff to do if you have a boring job or happen to be easily distracted by your own thoughts regularly. Focus is like a precious commodity sometimes.

So have fun all. A weekend you have not yet experienced is approaching quickly and I bet it will be chock-full of splendidness and mirth. Who says mirth is a holiday-only experience?!

The simple concepts of a binary existence.

Current mood: tired

I have been pondering the basic nature of the struggle between good and evil lately. It has crossed my mind on several occasions over the last few weeks as I have attempted to discern how to make positive changes in my life. I have quite enjoyed the simple, basic truths I have sort of stumbled into as I have done this... and it is a fairly unexpected area to still be finding any of the little nuggets of delight that I have been finding lately. What an awesome blessing! The human mind is a splendid thing indeed!

In other news:

I got a lot of overtime on my last paycheck. I doubt I will see any paychecks like that one ever again at my current job... they have a really big issue with overtime so I guess I need to somehow avoid the overtime from now on. I really would rather be working between 30-35 hours a week so I could be developing my own business ideas with more energy. To create something for me. All this work is driving my desire to play way up. In a lot of areas, too. I have been thinking a lot about music, ping pong, girls, and video production... not at all in that order(I would rather keep the order ambiguous anyway) and I quite enjoy being more motivated about all of them. Work is good for so many things.

I should keep this short. Sleep irregularity is a critical flaw I have difficulty maintaining. I must encourage positive sleep habits whenever possible. So why did I start writing this so late in the first place?

Do not forget to eat your vegetables, thank the people who open doors for you, and use your right turn signal when planning to make a right turn soon. Not exactly tips... but little bits of seemingly trivial, yet important information to know. Just thought I would part by sharing a piece of my increasingly sleepy mind. Zzzzzzzz.... Zzzz.... ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Counting down to freedom.

Current mood: indescribable

In this case freedom more specifically relates to ability... or lack of disability.

I have never been one to accept things from others. I think this particular trait of mine is pretty consistent all the way across the board. I don't take compliments well, I don't take charity from others well, I don't take things from people(their belongings and such), I just don't do the receiving end very well in general. I am sure pride is somewhat involved but I know there is something else at work here.

I think a lot of it has to do with my inadequate understanding of possession and ownership mixed with the misunderstanding of motives and intentions of others. I know I need help in all areas of my fragile, often chaotic life but I still have difficulty putting it all together. Maybe I am thinking too hard about the whole thing.

So I was playing softball recently...

We all know a softball is not soft and that there can be such thing as too competitive. I always want to do well in whatever endeavors I take on so I usually try to put forth my best effort. Sometimes my enthusiasm can hurt others in the face... sorry Chris... sometimes it can hurt me in the leg... yowza! But I love the oxymoronically named sport nonetheless. Even though the pain I currently experience is really not fun at all. It gives me a new perspective, recognition of the vast blessings I enjoy, and tweaks my concept of when good will return... like as if it ever left. I am always saddened when I recognize this last concept in others. "The grass is always greener..." or some such nonsense. What a tragically powerful lie! Wake up! Open your eyes! Open your heart! There is no time for pity!

I have been having some really up and down days for the last several weeks. I can not attribute it to much other than my general human inconsistency. It does not bother me that much, I know it's all about learning and progression, but I do wonder what has caused it to be more distinct lately. I think my fundamentals are lacking. I think my focus is askew. Something.

So if you can't tell I am a bit out of my element. I hope there can be something found here that might be even just a bit helpful to somebody. My direction through this short narrative has been a bit erratic but at least it has been fun to write... and somewhat therapeutic.

Oh... and by the way... sunburns, allergies, and pulled hamstrings don't mix well... but I ain't complainin'... I find it rather amusing. You should see me try to climb into a car.

New jobs are full of surprises!

Current mood: good

And if I could make another statement more rhetorical than that one I would probably keep it to myself... once rhetoric, twice ridiculous.

I have finally taken off the shirt of a Red Robin server for the last time, and have proceeded to make some progressive steps in my life by taking on a new job which more appropriately suites my need to move forward in life. It is a cut in hourly rate but a big boost in hourly accumulation... and, most importantly, I will shortly be eligible for benefits as a full-time employee at Office Max. Hooray for corporate America! Hmmmm.... I am sure you will not likely hear anything like that coming from me again anytime soon. Anyway, my job title is technically "Desktop Publisher" in the "Print and Document Services/ Copy Max" section of Office Max. I generally love doing graphic design and this job offers me the opportunity, as the job title does not necessarily imply, to stretch out my creative endeavors within the very setting that is paying me to do it. What a sweet bonus that is. And I have been doing it for 15 working business days now.

This story has many predecessors, and I am sure many to follow, which will basically illustrate a general idea of little consequence to most casual observers. What is contained within it is not particularly specific, or even generally interesting, but I did come to some fairly strong emotional disarray as one of the two main characters in it. I have basically recovered today but I did have to sleep that one off... very unusual for me.

On to story number one:

It was a mild, easy-paced evening of leisure and relative non-stress... or... I was at work and it was slow. Typically there are two options in such a situation. Option #1 encourages a person to relax the hours away doing little and feeling little. A general waste of time other than the acquisition of funds at the advantage of poor scheduling or unforeseen business malady. I occasionally take the low road of Option #1 as it does have the certain appeal of ease and self-indulgence. I do not, and never will, promote laziness, inactivity, or non-progression, however, and will usually strive to take advantage of Option A... or any other challenging, fulfilling Option. Option A encourages the positive atmosphere of creativity and inspiration by making games where non superficially exist, usually in ways that are not readily perceivable by the potential few patrons or other uninformed co-workers present. Option A also includes the general drive to make better the experience of all involved in whatever way possible. This description of Option A is fairly loose and is intended to leave much room for personal translation and application. And thus ends my first exceptionally verbose and semi-unimportant tangent.

So as I was trying to engage into Option A mode and doing fairly well, regardless of lacking resources, and a pleasant middle-aged woman came into my part of the store where my manager and I were keeping somewhat busy, immediately posing the question "Who here is good at unusual requests?" or something very close to that. Appealing to my sense of problem solving, and recognizing the opportunity to potentially improve someones day by accomplishing something for them they have not been able to do up to this point, I immediately announced my reply which basically put me at the helm of what turned out to be an extremely easy task. She was looking for acid-free or lignin-free paper which was light blue in color for a project she was working on. Curious about what lignin was I struck up a conversation that rambled all around various different topics of a somewhat eccentric or unusual persuasion. I am almost always interested in these types of things as they often present very new areas of learning exploration and thinking. She taught me how to count binary using my hands, among a few other interesting concepts I was able to follow up on in my own study time later that night. Anyway it was all quite interesting and edifying and then quite suddenly and unexpectedly she reacted very harshly toward me, calling me a jerk and informing me she no longer wanted to speak to me, after I laughed at a small mistake she had made while we were conversing. I laughed out of empathy for her dismay while she apparently took it as something completely different... ultimately this is the point of my story... My good intentions of trying to help, in whatever method I do, was very easily turned into something destructive and ineffective by her misunderstanding of my actions. Several minutes later, after she was finished with her work, she left without a word and in a seemingly bitter mood. I felt terrible the entire rest of the night. Not because I laughed at her but because I offended her at all. I was a large contributing factor in her poor Office Max experience. What a terrible feeling it is to offend someone, intentionally or not.

I know I am not entirely at fault for all that occurred there. I know any number of things, good and bad, could have happened in that little slice of time I have emphasized here. I know that all communication has two responsible parties involved. I still, unfortunately, abbreviate my encompassing description of the whole event with the simple, lacking statement "I have been misunderstood my whole life" in my somewhat lackluster reliance on an Option #1-type of mentality. And it is just so easy to do so.

Anyway I expect I have offended many others without knowing it and for that I must apologize. I never intentionally offend anyone.

So ends story number one. Did you learn anything? I did... in semi-comprehensive retrospect.

I had a good day at work today. No follow-up stories or anything unusual. And even though it is a Saturday, and I will not typically work on a Saturday, I am glad I worked today. Good times.

If you ever want to learn how to count in binary or what the definition of lignin is feel free to ask. I am not an expert on either topic but I can be somewhat informative and would enjoy the conversation.

Tools are good in so many ways!

Current mood: optimistic

So I was driving a far distance the other day and during that drive I was listening to the radio. I am typically tuned into the Sacramento area classical station(except Friday nights, and sometimes during Saturday too) but due to the fact that I was a bit out of the range of reasonable reception I was tuned to the San Francisco classical station.

I normally frown upon the lack of Saclassical in my listening queue but this particular span of listening was unexpectedly interesting. Not for the music but the DJ's semi-informative question posed to the listeners in the standard prize give-away fashion. The question he posed called for three of the top 10 tools listed on "The 20 Most Important Tools" list recently posted by Forbes.com. I always like an intellectual challenge and my mind immediately went to work. I had no intention of calling in to make an attempt at claiming the prize, even though it was an enticing offering to me, and was much more content just running through the possible gamut of valid answers in my head. I only had a few minutes before the answers were revealed. So where did it lead me in that short time?

My initial thoughts led me to the transistor and naturally on through the standard "microchip/computers are the best thing ever" line of thinking. I am easily distracted by shiny objects, even mentally fabricated ones, and kind of got lost on that tangent before settling back to the reality of things like "the hammer" became considered. Before I realized I was still driving down the freeway(which I realized is not actually free, with all the lame toll-booth/bridges they have around here) the DJ was congratulating the winner of the prize(somebody who had internet access no doubt) and then read the entire list of possible answers, plus the extra 10 that also resided on the original Forbes list. Oh... Oh... Of course... I can see that... wouldn't have thought of that one... etc. A fairly insightful ingestion of information. So I thought about tools for a little while. Seemed fun enough at the time. I still had a long way to drive.

So I have some yard work to do, which is waaaaay overdue, and it came to mind as soon as I got home and saw how bad my yard looks, and how reasonable the weather was, that I should go buy some weed-killing spray of some type. I kind of wandered around Big Lots thinking they seem to have lots of randomly useful things. This, by the way, is a dangerous thing for me to be doing as I sometimes suffer from severe lack of attention, and I often invent all sorts of superfluous uses for every little interesting and somewhat useful item that I see... regardless of my prior want and/or need of the item. To my benefit I stumbled into the gardening tools isle. It was filled with enough imagination-inducing things that I was able to stay there long enough to pick out several useful tools that would greatly aid me in my yard work goals.

Several minutes later, possibly more than 10 minutes later, I was standing in an extremely slow moving yet short line waiting to pay for my hardware and mango juice. I had an epiphany. Sort of a minor one. The concepts which tickled my epiphany nerve were not new to me but they had a certain glow that I could not divert my attention from. Shiny things. Anyway... My epiphany was sort of like this - "Anything you do is always going to be easier when you have the right tools for the job." I was immediately applying this concept to my present need to fix up my yard, and simultaneously understanding the benefits of personal scripture study as they are often seen as tools to understanding how to live. Then I was thinking about many other tools I often take advantage of - computer, car, brain, etc... - and before I knew it I was forking out the dough for my precious findings... the physical ones I mean. I better not get charged to think of something cool!

So I like the band Tool. They are generally impossible for me to understand on any sort of personal level but they make excellently beautiful progressive rock music in their own way. Plus they seem to be less and less conceptually offensive as the years go on. This is all more of a side note really.

I am not sure if anybody really cares about tools like I do but for those who are interested to know the Forbes.com "The 20 Most Important Tools" list and how they arrived at their conclusions I expect this link I have posted will be the quickest way to get there.

http://www.forbes.com/home/personaltech/2005/08/04/technology-toolsmethodology_

cx_de_0804meth.html(update 3-30-12- link is now dead... sorry!)

Or you could just go find it yourself if you don't like that mini-tool I just provided and want to have your own mini-adventure finding it, or possibly something even more interesting!

Tools are wondrous, helpful, dynamically useful aspects of any persons life. The more in use the better I say! The good ones anyway.

Aaron

A road less travelled, a trial, an opportunity.

Current mood: relaxed

So I have had a variety of purposeful experiences lately which I have neglected to share my thoughts on. Sometimes the answers of silence speak just as loudly. Plus, the practice of observance always brings a different perspective.

The people I admire the most are the people who just do what they believe is right. I have had the privilege of witnessing a greater measure of courage than is typically displayed and I am inspired. The inevitable changes in those lives will be difficult and in some ways unexpected. All of this is borne of great sacrifice and faith, neither of which will be unrewarded, and is never intended to be easy. What a great opportunity!

On to other things...

A couple weeks ago I recorded an audi blog-style commentary to put up here, but I decided not to put it up because it was fairly aimless and totally discombobulated. Alas, I am not a very eloquent speaker. Maybe I will try again sometime.

My day job has slowed down to the point that they are scheduling me only once a week right now. I rather enjoy the break but also the opportunity to focus on other areas of my life. It may sound like financial suicide to some but I am still floating due to my graphic design projects on the side. I really need to do some cleaning around the house, too, as I have been slacking off in the cleaning department lately.

The band has restarted our song writing process lately to further progress our simplistic motives as an interdependent cluster of fellows. I love the opportunity to express and create so it should come as no surprise that I am excited to be doing this again. I am sure most of what will be created will be going under the radar for many of my friends and family, but I think it is the process that I find more rewarding than the recognition or appreciation of what it is that is created by it.

I got to watch a video of a Frank Zappa song I have liked for many years called Inca Roads. The visual aspect of the video had it's strangely impressive merits, but the content of the music and the musicianship displayed was simply astounding! I have had glimpses of greatness like it only in small portions prior to now. I don't want to be comparative, as I know this is a debatable topic anyway, but until you experience what I did specifically you will never really understand what I am talking about. Those who have already do... and the few of us that there are would likely be smiling in an almost self-indulgent agreeance(knew I could fit it in somewhere) and the images of the experience, or atleast several strong feelings associated to it, might be kind of floating around in the forefront of our minds. Whoah.... I still have a hard time believing it.

I will now point this type of experience into the realm of my current favorite sport - ping pong/table tennis. I, and several good friends, will be participating in one of the biggest tournaments of the year this Saturday at UC Berkeley. There are at least a dozen players already registered to play in this tournament that play at a level somewhat akin to the level I previously referred to with the Frank Zappa/Inca Roads comment... except in the ping pong/athleticism realm. I should not compare Zappa's phenomenal craftsmanship to even these great athletes, as we in America do not actually get the privilege of experiencing that type of exceptional achievement in the table tennis realm, but these athletes are still top notch and every bit as exciting to watch, even to the table tennis-underexposed. Do I sound too politically correct with that term? Sorry... I am just trying to lower the possibility of misinterpretation and implication. Simply stated in whole; this will be a supremely entertaining experience for me and holds great potential to be something similar for anybody else curious enough to give it a shot and check it out

themselves.

Well... I think I have been droning on for a bit too long. I guess that is okay. I have gotten lots of physical exercise lately and I needed the complimentary mental exercise.

I love the idea of being an obstacle! That would be so cool!

Nothing like a little winter cleaning.

Current mood: satisfied

This is a somewhat unusual occasion for me. To decide I am going to do some cleaning and actually get most of it done. This typically does not happen because I am so easily distracted by the smallest things. Plus... I often make my plans in the wrong way to begin with.

I have been pondering the concept of decision versus the concept of desire for the last couple of days. It is almost always the case that my desire is fairly high to do just about anything which needs doing. The concept of decision is the necessary component added to desire which makes anything happen. That is the fairly simple explanation of it. And my simple fault with the whole process is that I usually assume that I will be naturally compelled to do that which I desire. It is true that it will, and does, happen that way every once in a while but only usually because of outside influences. So where was the decision made? When I decided to allow something else make up my mind for me... which is an extremely easy thing for me to do since I actually enjoy serving others. This is, however, detrimental to my personal progression when my outside influences are not in line with my own personal goals, which invariably they tend not to be. Plus it is somewhat weak-willed if I am putting my decision making into the hands of anything other than myself. Non of this precludes the need for good influence, nor does it discount the need for guidance, both of which are vitally important.

So I desire to do good things. I decide to do specific things among the multitude of choices in order to create a positive path reflecting my desire. I make adjustments to both my desire and decisions, based on the experience gained of good and bad judgement relating to both, and the guidance and positive influence of things aligned with my goals. Ultimately I must continue to make decisions, though, because they are crucially integrated into the whole process. I mostly say this for me. I need to remind myself of this more often. It is not, nor was it ever intended to be, an easy thing. How awesome is that?!

I am grateful I get to do some of the things I plan to do every once in a while. Sorry again... I did not set up my recording stuff. I will do it next time... You'll see.