Stress is a powerful foe.

Merely coincidental in its timing were the onset of a blister outbreak on my hands over the last couple or so days. It is likely due to the overly stressed emotional level I have been experiencing lately, though it is definitely more of a combination of factors. In any case, these stupid blisters are as annoying as the dickens! And I think I might be somewhat ill on top of all that. More proof about raining rarely being less than pouring.

Fire and rain.

Today... I was actually fired from my job... whoah. That is a very strange thing to even say. I have never been fired before.

In a good way, it was not for performance issues of any kind. In fact, I worked very hard to be a positive factor in the success of the business as a whole and believe I was a key ingredient to the good that was happening there. The reasons for my termination had more to do with my lack of ability in managing my personal affairs than that of me being a poor employee. What a bummer, for that.

Now I move on. It is definitely not the direction I was expecting but I will find something good around the corner. A smile and a handshake has got to still be worth something.

Clinging to sanity.

I am really only a few days into the summer hours and am already allowing the commentary to escape a bit in the unnecessarily negative tones. Keeping it brief, however, I will only make mention of my general exhaustion.

This is a harsh schedule which I expect to make some adaptation to at some point... I hope it is sooner before later. Ha.

Trust of the world.

It does make me somewhat sad that people feel the need to be so cynical. I am sure it is nothing new but I have not been as exposed to it before as I am now. The cynicism of others can certainly be deemed a personal trial for me. Not so much because I am affected directly by other's lack of trust from me, but more because it is difficult for me to watch others harbor such fear.

It does, however, strengthen my resolve a little in my desire to become more faithful and committed to my covenants and promises. It even makes me feel better about my personal resolve to be a trustworthy person. I hope the integrity I seek in my own life can become valued by others who are embittered by cynicism and would like to stand out from that crowd of their own accord.

Degenerating quality.

I tend to think that my entries here have become quite lackluster. Some of this comes from the shear quantity of expression and the inherent challenges of continuous production. The quality would definitely be naturally better if I only wrote when I was more impressed to do so by ideas that really stood out in my mind. I think the practice of continuous production does have the benefit of increasing my quality overall, however, and it does not mean that my best quality level is totally excluded from high-quantity expression... just less common.

I still have a good quantity of interesting things run through my mind throughout the course of any given day. I just need to improve my abilities of clinging on to them when they happen so I can better explore them here on a nightly basis.

Another factor which will no doubt contribute to a lessening of my quality is the simple fact that I am now working way more hours and am forced to be smarter about my sleeping habits in the process. This probably sounds counterintuitive since better timing with my sleep schedule usually produces better results in life, in most normal areas of usefulness. I think, however, because it is induced by the work instead of being personally instigated, that it might not give the positive benefit one would normally assume it would give. Though, in all reality, I am probably just over thinking all of this since I am already pretty exhausted.

It will be a tough summer but the experience should be worth it. I need to make some good changes in my life and I expect this will be an excellent conduit for that.

Life on the other side.

I sometimes think about how different life could or would have been if I made a few key decisions differently when I was young. It can lead me to think of myself as a bit of a second-rate version of myself when, in fact, I am technically the same person either way. I would have a different perspective of challenges in general but that does not necessarily mean I would be a more valuable or better person. Mostly just safer, I guess.

So life is where it is at and I definitely make due. The Lord knew what I would be doing at this point in my life and His plan for me can never be frustrated beyond His ability to pick me back up. I am so thankful to have this kind of knowledge in my life. He is my loving, eternal father and he always wants the best for me.

I know things will be quite a challenge over the next several weeks but I am somewhat ready for the challenge. I have a decent amount of work to do but I know I have enough time to get it all done. I just need to open my mind to a bit more forward thinking perspective and planning so I do not get behind. Yep, that is all I need to do. Ha.

I love my family.

They are so good to me. They make me feel like a semi-normal person every now and then. They also help me realize what a strange person I am at times.

I am deliriously tired at the moment, unfortunately, and will have to cut this entry short. I have exceptional need for the bed under my head.

Family time in the house!

Much of the far-off family is here for the weekend and I think it is quite a treat indeed. My nephews which have recently returned from their respective missions to Mexico as well as my sister and her daughter are quite a pleasant crew to catch up with.

I am also quite glad I incidentally took the time off of work to enjoy all of this hullabaloo. It has been a hard week in its own right and the break is definitely very appreciated. I think I will actually be somewhat sad to return to my busy work pace next Monday morning.

Not even the weather can put a cramp in this weekend's style. It has all been a bit of rolling thunder so far!

Contemplating immensity.

When I consider how I feel at the moment, after a few consistently long days, I am somewhat intrepid to think about what challenges still lay in store for me over the next couple or so months of summer. It is even more daunting to think about over the next couple weeks since I have a good deal of work stacked up in that particular cluster of time. Survival seems like it should be a primary goal for me in order to just get through it all.

I know the quality of my work will definitely be affected. I really need to step it all up with my sleeping habits if I am to have a chance at maintaining my sanity. The food habits could certainly use a boost as well. This whole thing is definitely going to make something different out of me, I tend to expect, and I hope it is a positive sort of different.

Power to the future of my life, the future of my family, the future of my brain and sanity. Bonus power to the people in my life that will have to put up with me along the way!

Laying it up, knocking it down.

I think the simplicity of such a narrow-minded day can be quite nice at times. Especially when other areas of life might seem a bit on the complex side of things. There is definitely something to be said for a clear-cut path from point 'a' to point 'b'.

I also enjoy the fact that I am once again earning money noticeably beyond my expenses now. This summer should hopefully be a nice way to get ahead and if I am smart about keeping my spending habits in check I should be sitting in a fairly good spot come fall.

The quality of my blog entries has certainly gone a bit by the wayside lately. Not so much in the fact that I am actually writing things of substance, though, as it is more of a lack of entertaining substance. I think I need to start looking for a funny bone again. I know it is in me somewhere. And this is a good place for it to find life.

I suppose it falls as another somewhat long-forgotten goal to retrieve it sometime soon. Like much of my life, however, that remains to be accomplished due to my overly inundated expression of my ambitions... which is not really an excuse as much as it is just plain annoying that I allow it to be that way. I should metaphorically kick my own face just for thinking that last sentence... though, to be honest, I am not really sure how I would even go about doing that. Ha.

The long days of summer.

Most people look forward to summer as the time of the year when relaxation and hobby exploration reign. It signals the break in educational woes, the increase in sunny weather, and provides the optimal window for vacationing. It is for me, however, the time when my workload increases significantly and my regular life(if ever that could be a term used to describe it) fades into the background of a fairly intense ten or so week period. This period officially begins tomorrow.

I am somewhat prepared for it. My school workload is somewhat light at the moment since I only currently have two classes. It will be a definite challenge to adjust, however, since I am not quite on top of the proper sleeping schedule required to maximize my sanity. The transition, luckily enough, is not immediate and I will get a little more time to prepare for the upcoming onslaught.

The hiking season is upon me as well. I plan to hit a couple or so new spots this year and am always glad for the stress relief a good, solid hike provides. Nature is definitely one of the best remedies for the mad dash of a heavy-laden work fest.

Bring it on, summertime!

The unending search for completion.

Sometimes I feel like such a mess. Not in the extreme, negative, self-deprecating sort of mess as much as a highly unorganized sort of mess. A lot of it comes along with the ability to focus, or the lack thereof, but I am not too sure where else this whole thing gets unravelled. Maybe that is part of why I feel that way. Without a clear vision of the pathway through it I tend to see only chaos. How annoying.

I like the idea of possibilities. I am glad to have a very powerful imagination to fuel my perception of potential. It can be a boon all by itself. It is something I should lean more heavily on from time to time.

Where, then, is my beautiful companion? She is probably not far if I would simply open up my eyes. I do not like the idea of being alone for so long, yet I tend to resist thinking that I have any sort of possibility somewhere within my reach. It is a strange sort of existence. My nature seems to look for something that likely does not exist. What a curious creature I am.

Life is short.

This is one of those truths that become more and more self-evident the further along you get in life. It is met at first as a question of its legitimacy, next seen as coincidence of perspective in somewhat anecdotal context, finally to be fully understood when the passing of years is recognized as the passing of moments more than annually recognized birthdays. Opportunity is always formed in limited windows of time and, as people come and go through the various challenges and changes of life, each slim window seems slimmer than the last.

I am glad to be reminded of these things today. Without these reminders I am given to find myself passed by unnoticed. I need to change my behavior immediately. I need to grab the precious moments I am given and squeeze the precious drops into my favor and form. I need to wake up.

Still just a young, inexperienced dude.

In regards to the way I approach having a relationship with a girl. It has been so long since I have actually done anything of that nature that it feels like I am starting from square one completely. I do not feel like I really have any idea what I am doing at all sometimes.

It is a strange thing, a relationship. I really need to have a little faith in myself, faith in the prospect, faith in the possibility that I might not actually ruin anybody's life. I know it sounds pretty pessimistic but I have no success stories of my experience to rely on. Which, as might always be the case, happens to be a 100% failure rate up until a person gets married anyway... and even after that point sometimes as well. I do not think I should let it get me down, though, it is just difficult to avoid anything else.

Time to start writing something important... upon the stage of my mind as I slumber comfortably... waiting for tomorrow to come.

A powerful day.

And, despite it lacking any particular even which is ostensibly tremendous, I would call this day a bit of a wild ride. I think "roller-coaster" would be one of the common terms for it. Some of the challenges were spurred by my own idiocy. Some of them through disheartening news. Most of the positives were in the calendar for quite a while before today but there were certainly a few nice surprises here and there as well. I suppose all of it can not escape being colored by the most recent negative experience, though, and I think I really need to wrangle it in, emotionally speaking, to find a bit of the balance I would like.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing a battle against the world when, in reality, it is only ever a battle with myself. I wonder how often this kind of thing is ever truly fought on the physical fields instead of the metaphysical. I know my dreams can have a great variety of intensity and potency all their own.

I think I need to calm down and relax for a while. My life needs semblance and peace... not turbulence and disarray. Moving faster will only serve the former.

The nitty gritty begins.

Some of it comes in the form of deflected negativity. Most of the rest of it comes as we embark on the learnification(yep, just made that silly word up) of a new piece of computer software. It is a most gritty experience based on the immense complexity of the software, on top of all that. It makes my mind feel like a new bloom starting to open up. The beautiful expansion of skill and experience!

News of the impending financial troubles will naturally be somewhat disconcerting. I am honestly unsure how to internalize it all, even under the assumption that things will shortly become very financially troublesome, and think it is a bit of a high concept for me to grasp fully. So much of life revolves around money, unfortunately.

I am quite thankful I get to play some music tomorrow instead. I have such a grand time in the act of performance. Even more so when I get to do it for my friends!

Tons of work on the horizon.

I was recently looking at my work schedule and what I would be scheduling myself for over the next few weeks and it looks like I will be working my brains clean out of my head pretty soon. This is certainly going to be a challenging thing but I am quite looking forward to the financial ease it has the potential to bring me.

I have not been this broke in a while. It is definitely not a good feeling... but I know it is only a temporary thing. One way it really benefits me is in the added perspective of my need for money in general. I often undervalue what money really is and tend to undervalue my need for it as a consequence to that misguided perception. Then, when I have made a few miscalculations in my financial whereabouts, I end up eating one or two meager meals a day just to get by. The pains of hunger certainly teach a clear lesson: Be smarter with your money!

Odd-shaped week.

Sometimes things move in different directions and take odd forms without warning. Life is never something intended to go exactly the way you expect anyway... else, how would one ever learn to progress in life?

Today seemed to be filled with nothing but the unexpected. Some of it was obviously positive and some of it was more of a mystery as to whether or not I would call it either good or bad. I guess that is where some of the learning will come into play, and much of it after the fact.

In any case I am quite thankful for all the good people I have in my life. I have a great deal of respect for them and never quite feel like I am deserving of their goodness toward me.

Seeing past the rubble of my collection.

I have a lot of things which really do not have a particularly useful place in my life anymore. I was digging around looking for something of use last night and very quickly realized that the piles of junk I have been harboring seem to go on and on. They have become a burden to me which definitely needs to find a way out of my life sometime soon.

Organization is the key.

This is something I have been subtly aware of for quite some time, I am fairly certain. It has not come to the point of exhaustion yet, however, and I am pretty sure that is why I have tolerated it for so long. It is starting to feel closer to the workable edge of my sanity, though. I feel the need to do something about it soon. Perhaps I need to set a goal.

July 1, 2012. Time to get things a'crackin'!

I would like to fly somenight.

It is one of those things, in dreaming, that I have yet to fully experience. I have had some interesting variations of flying occur... but fully unadulterated dream flying is still only a mystery to me... at least as much as I can remember that it is, anyway.

I suppose it might only occur if I am able to have a "lucid" dream. This is something which I suppose will take some practice and determined effort in order to achieve. Does it seem worth it? Heck yes! I could decide to do all kinds of other things as well. And, why stop at flying? I could shoot laser beams from my fingers... which turn rocks into fresh donuts... donuts that hover by my side everywhere I go, like the Mario Kart turtle-shell three-pack powerup, so I can easily reach over and grab one to eat at any moment... and all kinds of other awesomeness!

Well, I better get crackin'! It might take a while to really develop with any sort of proficiency.

Age, like time, is an illusion.

I am obviously not immune to the effects of age, especially when considering the social challenges which seem to unnecessarily arise in my life tend to occur more and more as time goes by, but I still tend to think it is all less relevant than most people tend to think. I do not mind poking fun at it. It can take the place of weather in a casual, small-talk sort of conversation just fine.

I guess a part of the whole age thing that seems to be plaguing me, without any help from others, is the self-critical ideas I am now having about what age disparity could mean to any girl I might be interested in. This is particularly acute now that I have had recent(semi-recent, really) rejection in large part because of our age difference, and because most of the girls that are a part of my social environment are definitely in the age range that would likely follow suit. I suppose I yet again realize my position in life in this way... between a rock and a hard place.

Anyway, it is nice to get some of the ideas about this topic out, despite any possibility that it is actually helping my case in any particular way. Merely expressing is cathartic enough for me, in many cases.

Wild and wacky weather.

We had another one of those rain/hail/sun days again today. I rather like this kind of atmospheric strangeness. It generally draws out some fairly rote small talk... but still produces a few nuggets from time to time. Plus, it's kinda fun to see hail on the ground, glowing in the bright rays of the sun.

I am quite glad I am only working eight hours tomorrow. And the nap in the middle of the day should be quite a treat.

Testing my will.

Midterms are usually meant to test one's knowledge of a subject, roughly half-way through the term, so that one can have a decent gauge of his or her skill progress in the relevant area of study. I generally do well on tests so I do not think I give enough weight to the need I have to prepare for these tests. I somehow get by, though, and it is certainly at the cost of my personal peace and sanity.

I also seem to be determined to test my own ability to resist sleep during this time. It is a strange, totally counterproductive, way to procrastinate the things I should be doing instead. I seem to be wanting to come up with a way to fail... or at least have an excuse if such thing occurs... or something. It is quite a silly thing to do. Really, though, why do I do this? I can not think of a single satisfactory answer.

In any case, I feel like the sleep I am now prepared to get is the best next step in life. Hooray for the pillow!

Touching on the relevant.

There are often many ideas, that simply come and go, which feel pretty good from time to time. I often think to myself "Oh... I'll remember this one for sure. It's a pretty solid idea!" only to find myself grasping at the air when I am trying to recall it later. I occasionally have the wherewithal to make a note of some type which allows me to fully access the memory when I finally do have an opportune moment... but, as is more frequently the case, I let some really good ideas fall into oblivion without any good reason for it. It is a sad thing, indeed. I really am trying to do better, though!

Some of this is written partially under the auspices that I might have had such an idea come to mind at some point during the day today. This may, or may not, be true. I honestly do not remember. Either way I think it was important to point out my own shortcomings in this area of life. It helps me make better decisions about these kinds of things in the future, hopefully improving myself in the process. A certain benefit of public display is the meager form of commitment that comes with it.

So, I guess I will just leave it all at that for tonight. It is WAY past my bedtime, anyway.

Not all questions are equal.

This is something I am sure most people already recognize on some conscious level, though, I think there is very little thought as to why this is the case. I am one of the people who has generally overlooked the various differences they have but today was something a little different. Today, I was forced to think through every one of the main questioning words with a little more purpose than usual, and it forced me to see things in a bit of a new light.

Who? This is a fairly easy question to answer. All it takes is to simply identify the people/personalities/characters involved and present them as requested. Certainly, there are numerous deeper factors that can be explored on any given answer but it is the base question of 'who?' which is a fairly easy hurdle to clear. This question has a medium sort of weight to it.

What? This is nearly identical to who in almost every way. All answers in this realm are fairly concrete and easy to identify, under normal circumstances. Again, there is a possibility that deeper factors are available for exploration but, in general, this question sits at a basically medium weight as well.

When? This one is essentially identical to 'where?' and seems to me to be the lightest of all these questions. It is a literal consideration of chronological evidence and has very little flexibility to it. The answers can be confused or incomplete but the facts and reality always exist in a measurable form. Outside of an infinite continuum, this question has very little weight to it.

Where? A basic repeat of the 'when?' analysis suits this particular question fine. The only additional bonus to this one is the possibility of the metaphysical, as there are definitely places which do not occur in the normal physical realm. Thusly, it gains a slightly higher weight than the 'when?' does... but really only slightly.

How? This is where things start to get really meaty. The 'how?' of things is one of the profoundly driving forces in the world inspiring progress and exploration. Man comprehends so little about what actually is and through the manifestation of 'how?' he climbs further and further out into the realms of knowledge he comes to realize is even more incomprehensible. This is a question which by its very nature generates more questions. It can have definitive closure, yet, there is little frequency of this occurrence to true satisfaction. This question has a very high level of weight to it.

Why? If there is one question which could be considered the literal parent of all others,(which in itself is a fairly presumptuous statement) I would have to say that it is this one. This is a question which begs the motives of the human, physical, and metaphysical world. It nearly always evades closure by its nature. Even when it is answered in simple terms it still can have place for immense depth and obfuscation. There are few complete answers to it which can satisfy its demands. Truly, there is little to compare when attempting to assign any sort of weight value to it. It is heavier than them all combined.

There are always many more ideas that could be expounded on any one of these topics. Indeed, I have only shed a tiny flicker of candlelit exposure to these topics, and still then I am far from a masterful scholar thereto. I appreciate the movement they have inspired in my mind today, though, and expect a long life of learning to revolve around any of these from time to time. The never ending process of learning is quite the experience!

A ticklish laugh or two... or three.

I always enjoy a good humorous chortle from time to time. The kind of laugh that is hearty and pleasant with a solidly plastered smile on my face. Some squinty-eyed glaring usually accompanies it as well. It is especially pleasant when it has some significant momentum which carries it several minutes or more. It is like a biologically produced moment of personal hysteria. Why am I making it so hard to describe?

A good quote is often a surefire way to set the tumblers in motion. Here is one that, while it is not exactly positive, is hyperbolussly hilarious to me:

"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them." - William Clayton

I do not usually highlight any particular quotations in the course of my writings here but I think this merits a new category title. I think I will call it Quotation Station... just for fun.

The beautiful Sabbath.

There are a few things in life that are just plain awesome enough to be placed in a category all by themselves. When it comes to creating a list of my favorite overall things, Sundays definitely make the list for so many reasons. I think I will name a few of those reasons here in tonight's entry.

1. Forgetting about the world: This is pretty much awesome. It does not mean that my life on other days is totally shunned by any means. It mostly means that whatever stresses that carry from Saturday to Monday are largely absent during the time between them. It is nice to shed unwanted things whenever the opportunities arise... and getting to do it weekly without fail is absolutely, incredibly excellent.

2. Positive socializing: Almost everybody has a very positive attitude about just about everything all the time. I am not usually one to enjoy the seemingly superficial optimism on display in most situations... but, the positive attitudes on display are more efficacious in their effect than I think many people realize. Positive attitude has real effect on life.

3. Feminine beauty: It probably means I am somewhat old fashioned, but seeing a girl in a dress usually makes her more attractive to me. Perhaps, due to it only being about a once a week sort of thing, the infrequency of it simply improves my positive attraction to it. I do not really know. I am not ashamed to say I like seeing a girl in a dress, though, as I can not actually change the way I think about it anyway.

I enjoy the pleasant evenings, the opportunity to see my family, the higher quality food at meals, and a plethora of other things about Sundays as well. I am quite a blessed fellow for such immensity of awesomeness, I have to admit!

Too much lateness for my tasteness.

Which is most certainly the reason for my poorly coordinated alarm clock this morning. I knew the long day stood in opposition to my normalcy and proper functionality... yet, I just gone done and done it all again. Or something. I am quite a strange duck, even to myself.

Tomorrow will be something new and hopefully relevant and something positive that I am actually capable of appreciating. Short entry, out.

Taking advantage of the time.

My regular work stuff certainly did not flow in any normal sort of manner but I was able to do more of my client's work because of it. This kind of thing is not very unusual, yet, it is unusual for me to actually make good use of my time as productively as I did today. I am glad to have had a little more self-discipline than I normally do today.

Tomorrow will be one of the first "killer" days of the year. Eight to eight, with a one hour break for my sanity in the middle. I did a ten-hour day on Monday but every hour past eight seems to double in length for some reason. Thus, I will cut yet another entry short, for the need of more sleep in preparation.

Wendoggle's.

Though, most people just call it Wendy's. And, even though it is just fast food, I am generally always pleased with my experiences there. Today, however, went right over the top of pretty much every prior experience I have had there.

It started with a routine trip to pick up a few dinner items off of the value menu. My friend ordered something similar for himself. When we got back to the school we discovered that one of his items did not actually make it into the bag before we drove off. He decided to call them up to see what could be done. They offered him a replacement item plus one additional item of the same thing. We decided to go back to get it once we finished eating the rest of the order.

We went inside to reclaim the lost items and, much to our surprise and delight, were given even more extra items than expected(2 value Frosty's and an extra 5-piece Spicy Chicken Nuggets to be precise.) How deliciously awesome! I am never one to under appreciate the gift of a free Frosty... no matter what size it is. Yumster time!

That was the prime positive moment of the day. I quite enjoyed most of it beyond that as well. Tomorrow should be something new entirely.