A divine vision of the future.

I really enjoyed the many different opportunities to learn about the gospel today.  The spirit was strong as the feelings of peace and knowledge seemed freely available to any who would listen.  I think I could have gained so much more just for having prepared better by getting more sleep last night... though, I shouldn't really complain at myself for doing silly things that I certainly do have control over.  My self-mastery of such is certainly lacking but I know I am improving.  The time of tonight's entry is a small evidence of that.

Some of the things I learned today were more of the ways I am flawed and need correction.  I can't say this is ever an entirely pleasant form of learning but it isn't really a bad thing either.  It is always nice to know what I am doing wrong especially if I didn't understand it beforehand.  It's even nicer to get a plan on how to fix those things.

I also learned a little more about the importance and differences between the light of Christ and the Holy Ghost.  It is a deep and rich topic which still bears further examination and pondering.  I won't go into any of it here but I might sprinkle some of it into a different entry I am working on in the future.

I am definitely a different sort of person.  I hear people make statements that sound like they should be quite common to most people that I don't think I have ever really experienced and it makes me realize how far removed from normality I am in some ways.  I realize that this does not make me any more special than the next person(indeed, it probably makes me less appealing to the opposite sex in some ways) but it certainly increases my feelings of loneliness and separation.  Luckily neither of those feelings are very strong for me but they can have their peaks from time to time.  This might be one of the reasons I am so driven to meet and know other people well.

Well, this week is going to be a good one.  I have a decent amount of time on my hands to get many of my personal projects in gear.  I think there will be a different sort of rhythm to it, due to work abnormalities, which I tend to enjoy for the most part.  Plus, the weather is all sorts of unpredictable as usual.  I should be another good week!

Kickin' it with the dudes.

I have definitely been doing too much lone-wolfery over the last several months(probably longer?) for my own good and it has kind of begun to become clear to me over the last few weeks as I have been actually making a little time to hang out with people a bit again.  I really should be doing more to remedy this situation.  All the more positive if I am able to incorporate more female influence into the equation.

I quite enjoyed the folks I got to hang with today.  They remind me of the many positive social interactions and opportunities that build and inspire me.  Just gotta keep up the momentum somehow.

Tonight's entry will unfortunately be somewhat short due to my ridiculous lateness of this entry... but something better will probably come tomorrow.(well... that's the plan, anyway. ha)

A fairly friendly Friday.

I think the general quality level of this particular day was above average and very consistent.  Nothing went wrong in a way that I have any regrets about so that is nice.  I got a few important things done.  The weather was somewhat strange and a little bit fascinating.  People were all kind and easy to share a laugh with.  This is just the kind of day I highly appreciate.

I am taking a bit of a break on the vulnerability kick right now since I would like to be sleeping shortly but it is definitely still something worth delving into again.

I am almost through the first week of my spring break.  Tomorrow looks to be a nice day due to a slightly shortened work schedule.  I am just guessing the weather will be on the slightly odd side again.  I plan to do my business cards.  I'm due for another head shaving too.  All kinds of fun to be had.

The necessity of vulnerability.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Among the many beautifully illustrated ideas presented in this talk I see many elements of my life described with exceptional precision.  Tonight I will just share a couple of these ideas.

I am a person who has a strong sense of love and belonging... and I do believe I am worthy of it. And the reasons for my beliefs in this regard are directly tied to the way I was raised.  Some of it comes from the learned principles ensconced in my heart by the religion I was raised to understand, but the core of it comes from the way my parents treated each other and me as they raised me up from a small child to the person I have now become.

I am highly driven to express my authenticity as a human being, imperfections included. I do fully embrace vulnerability, as it is one of the integral parts of truly honest living.  It is a fundamental act of faith in what I believe is the correct way to be.  I am not perfect in my efforts to even adhere to this personal agenda... but I do try very hard.  And despite my personal enthusiasm for all of this I can not remember for even one second thinking that other people should be doing it my way.  I have always merely thought this is simply the way MY life needed to operate.

There are things in my life that can be described by this motivation.  I bare my testimony in church every month because of this, despite the difficulty of sharing my deepest feelings in a public forum.  I write daily in my journal and blog because of this, despite how my obvious flaws and faults are immortalized in my words.  I laugh freely and openly nearly anywhere at anytime because of this, despite what others my think of me because of this habit which is no doubt annoying to some people - even people I care about deeply.  And, though it happens extremely rarely(only twice or so in the last decade), I am compelled to tell the girls I have feelings for about those feelings for them because of this, despite the expected rejection which has always followed and the generally futile feeling I have regarding the opposite sex(which is definitely the opposite of sex... whatever that is... ha)

This talk is rich with ideas that I would still like to explore and I would love even more the opportunity to hear other people's thoughts on it all as well.  Every idea offered by anyone would be gratitudinously received!

Lessons about myself.

I have quite enjoyed today as a whole, as it has tickled all kinds of fancies from the creative to the laborious, but have truly round the day's icing on the cake in this TED talk that I incidentally stumbled into on my facebook newsfeed:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

It is nothing too fancy or incredibly earth-shattering in its presentation or information.  It goes a long way in describing much of the way I operate as a human being, though, and I've never heard it put so succinctly or clearly in this way before.  I have never been able to give it this much clarity for all my best efforts to do so over the years.  And I consider it a great blessing to have found it at all.

There is a great deal of high quality ideas to be had in this talk.  I would only like to address a couple of them in this particular entry.

I have long felt the importance of vulnerability in my life though I have never quite recognized it as such.  I regularly do things to express who I am as openly an honestly as I feel I can do because I think it allows others to know me better, thereby allowing a greater connection to be formed between me and them.  If you have read any of my past writings on the topic I am sure none of this is any sort of news.  This is apparently one of my ways of expressing my vulnerability.  It seems to be intricately connected to my ability to love and appreciate others, however, which is something I never before supposed to be the case. How enlightening and motivating just that piece of knowledge is!  It also validates much of my reasoning for doing much of what I do in this regard.  Something that I certainly have not needed(as I have not received very much of it anyway... at least in the setting of my blogging endeavors) but something I nonetheless appreciate.(Fun side note - I just noticed that the opposite of "nonetheless" is "all the more" the other day.)

Another thing this talk helped me recognized about myself was the role of shame in my inability to connect with a girl in my attempts to form a meaningful relationship.  I have never really understood it specifically as shame and thought of it more as a fear of hurting others.  I have recently(the last three or so years maybe) begun to move beyond this fear/shame and have still not made any significant connections.  I might be on a good track but it's somewhat difficult to tell.  I guess I just need to keep on pressing forward, continuing to share myself as an expression of my desire to connect, hoping that my worthy, imperfect self will one day be recognized as someone desirable and worth giving a chance to.  That is really all I have ever wanted in the first place anyway.

I hope some of this has been enlightening in a way that helps people understand me better(ALWAYS one of my biggest motivating factors in my writing efforts), but also in a way that helps you understand yourself better!  There is a great deal of highly valuable ideas which are directly spawned of actual principles of truth that anybody can learn to benefit from.

The Best Plaid Plans

Of price and pen
Often go awry...

But that's not what this category is for.  This is the place that I will declare my intent to make something happen in life.  And if they happen to do it in style all the more splendid I say.

So, thus is my quest explained.  Each time I feel prompted to seek future change in my life, and I feel like putting it out on the line, I will create a blog entry to reflect that prompting.  This makes this very description of said category a declaration of intent unto itself.  So now I need to be on my game, eh?

I guess this particular category doesn't need much more explanation than what I have already given it here, but I suppose as time goes on I might update its overall meaning from time to time as the need arises.

Transforming stress into radness.

I can't say that I really did something so appealingly awesome as that... but that's kinda what happened for me today anyway.  I finally got my final grades from both of the classes in question at the end of last term and found them both to be at the grade I wanted.  Coupled with this awesome news was the opportunity to have an excellent band practice before going into work.  There isn't anything quite like a good dose of musical creativity and expression.  Even more so when you are starting to feel like you're actually finding a groove again.

I am almost feeling like I am ready to dive back into my philosophical ramblings here in blog land.  I think it would be good for me to define my labels first so I things can be categorized a bit better as well.  I am creating a body of work that needs to have some kind of organization or it will become more and more frustrating to sort through in the future.

Peering out forward as far as one can
Seeing chilled earth below the lone man
The dust beneath his weathering feet has sewn
An unreckoned past behind his future throne

Not sure where this came from... sometimes a piece of poetry slips out unexpectedly.  I should learn to develop these kinds of things into better, more inspiringly beneficial works.  Sometime when I am much more mentally present, that is.  Ha.

The blessings of awesome people in my life.

Of all things I cherish it is the people in my life that I cherish the most.  I enjoy a great many good, positive, quality, interesting, self-improving non-human things but none of it means anything at all without the people.  Oh, the people!  They are the greatest blessings of my life and have all come without price or expectation.

They motivate me in so many ways.  They remind me of my responsibilities.  They share with me their lives and affections.  Odds are, you are one of them.  Thank you!

I am glad to have a couple week off of school.  I still don't really know how the end of the last term went but I have come to terms(ugh... unavoidable second use) with the general stress of unknown finality.  Ha. Now, I am quite happy to go sleep on it.  It has been a long day.

Trials in all sizes.

And in quite unexpected ways.  Yet they all have an important role in the life of Aaron.  Yep, even the little ones.

Today I was reminded that people fear things they don't understand.  And despite my generally overzealous efforts to bridge the ever-gaping chasm of miscommunication, I am still the victim of people's misunderstanding.  Good intentions don't even seem to matter at times like these.  I'm sure it has taught me a tiny sliver of what our Savior must feel when we fail to accept his sacrifice for us to any degree.

I secondly gained a likely much needed reminder that my patience does have a border which can easily be crossed by people who take advantage of me... even when I ask them to, even when they may not understand they are doing it... and there is no one to blame for this personal infraction other than myself... and I need the humbling reminders of this frequently.

Today I learned and relearned some valuable lessons.  These can be the gift that keeps on giving if I am diligent to remember... or they can be a silent stroke of the key if I allow the human nature to have its way.  I hope it is the former.

Stealing my soul for the night.

Tonight I got off work earlier than normal for a Friday night and I was a little concerned about actually finding something cool to do with all the available time for once.  I quite enjoy the opportunity for spontaneity whenever it arises under most normal circumstances but I have to admit I have had little practice doing so for longer than I'd care to admit.  I was quite happy to have a roommate in need of the same thing almost immediately after I arrived home from work.

He was invited to go to an open-mic night at a local coffee shop to watch some live music and extended the invitation my way.  I thought it was a sweet idea and quickly got my things together to join the fun.  It was definitely the right choice to make.

It started a little slowly since the first guy singing his songs was only so-so.  I'm not sad for his ho-hum level of quality as I totally recognize the range of variance in music performance(especially live) and am more appreciative of his efforts in even just being there doing his thing.  He's certainly doing more than me in any case.

Each successive act, however, became more and more enjoyable up until the pinnacle of the evenings musical grandeur.  I never caught her name but she was seemingly the host of the whole night's activities since she was the one to introduce each act.  The real treat came as a biproduct of the fact that some of the intended acts apparently were not going to make it for their respective performances.  She, being the good host that she was, decided to fill up some of the space with a set of her own music.

Wow!  She was one of the best live performances I have seen in quite a while and definitely the best coffee shop performer I have seen as far back as I can remember.  She had a quality far beyond even the better of most coffee shop/local gig performances I think I have ever seen.  A truly professional musician with a beautiful sound.  Quite inspiring to me as well.

It has been so long since I have seen a girl perform quite like this that I have to admit she claimed a bit of my affections in her musical performance.  It was only in the moment, but it had me drawn out in a way I don't think has happened in many years.  It even made me make a bumblingly foolish statement in my attempt to compliment her after the show. "Keep it up!" I said with a cheesy thumbs up.  Ugh... It still makes me feel like a seventh-grader just thinking about it.  Good thing I'll probably never see her again.  I don't feel like I need any more practice extracting my foot from my mouth.

Anyway... It was a good night.  Way better than I could have expected.

Music, two, the soul.

There is nothing else in life that feels like a good, solid jam with another player that has a delightfully complementary style. I have been so wrapped up in school stuff for the last couple years that it has been just as long since I was privy to such glorious musicality.

It is also nice to see an optimistically hopeful future in said musical endeavor.  It seems that the talent behind it all is quite ample and the motivation to make it all happen is ever-present.  If ever there was a limit to be reckoned, the sky would not even be it.  Who would settle for such an earthbound realm of excellence?  We'll go for the stars instead.

I am definitely looking forward to our first gig next month!

Now the wait begins.

I didn't do as stellar on my last round of finals and now have to wait for however many days to get the results.  When I say I didn't do as stellar, I really mean I don't know if I did very well at all... It is a very strange, somewhat unfamiliar feeling for me since I normally perform very well under these circumstances.  It will be a somewhat uneasy stretch of time until the results come back.  Luckily, I'm not waiting for the results of a pregnancy test or anything... because that would be weird.

The extremely nice side of all of this is the sound sleep bonus I get to enjoy once it is all over. Boy, do I loves me some sound sleep!

And, even though I am not in any particular hurry to get to bed at the moment, I actually am somewhat exhausted and the sleepy time is calling me ever so sweetly... and I feel compelled to oblige.

A pleasant day in between.

I think I could have definitely been more obsessed and stressed about tomorrow's last two classes and their respective finals tests and project... but I don't think I needed either obsession or stress to enhance my life at all.  A pleasant trip to the temple offered me a better, more highly appreciated perspective.

And, despite the greater optimism about things, I still think I will keep things short tonight.  I am up quite a bit later than I wanted to be even though I have been somewhat productive tonight.  Tomorrow will still have a bit of work to crunch together if I am to get things in order as I would hope.

Plus, dream time seems like so much fun right now. To quote the incomparable Ralph Wiggum - "Oh, boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a viking!"

Knocking out finals in the head!

Though I'm sure my grammar in describing it doesn't reflect that kind of quality very well.  Ha.  In any case I feel pretty good about how well Screenwriting class went this term.  It was one of my highest grades of any class I have taken since I started college(if not my highest.)  All of my work over the last couple days really paid off, I think.

So, two more finals to go. The one that really worries me is the Web Design 2 class.  I think I'm still at an A so far but I'm pretty sure the final project and test have to be an A for me to keep it there.  I could be wrong.  And getting an A on the final project is by no means a guarantee since the last two projects got an 85% and a 90%.  Time to get my butt in gear!

The encouraging thoughts of the gospel.

I was quite happy to feel optimistic about life all day long.  Some of this optimism might have been based in my nearly-total-lack-of-sleep wasted psyche... a nearly delusional perspective of life by most reasonable expectations.  But, I have to say the rest, and much more reasonable and reliable expectations, came from the truth and light offered me by my experience with the gospel today.  It definitely was a good one.

I get to teach next week so I'm pretty stoked about that as well.

Anyway, in the interest of keeping things brief(in my attempt to stretch the opportunity to sleep properly and in a timely fashion) I will close this entry quite a bit earlier than I would prefer.  I guess I should keep the good material I might be generating in my mind somewhere on a back burner for later consumption... since my perceptions will want to consume it at some point, and I'd rather not discard it into oblivion through my potential carelessness or apathetic reactions.

Breaking the all-nighter rule.

Okay, so there isn't really an "all-nighter rule"... but I think I'm gonna break it tonight anyway.  I usually end up doing this the night before a finals project is due(mostly because I am often a super-crappy procrastinator guy) but tonight I've decided to pull my all-nighter the night before the night before it's due.  This way I'll be finished with my project before the last possible day, and I can actually get a regular night's rest before the day I will be taking a finals test.  Oh, the joyous pains of idiocy!  Hey, at least my procrastination will not be full-blown this time.

On the down side I will have one heckuva time trying to stay awake during church tomorrow(heckuva seems extra appropriate in this situation.)  Though, I'm sure I'll manage somehow... and the nap after church will be quite delicious to my soul.  So I guess there IS some kind of upside to all of this too.

Halfway through the pain.

One expectedly tough day down, one more to go.  I say expectedly tough because today wasn't actually as hard as I thought it would be... so now I expect tomorrow to be somewhat similar, actually.

I quite enjoyed the chance to hang with some awesome friends tonight.  It was not something I do enough of for sure.  It is a great self-healing sort of activity that I often overlook the value of despite my personal enjoyment of it for all the other regular reasons.

I also realized today that I want to make a dating resume, cover-letter and business cards for myself.  Not only does it seem like fun but it seems potentially useful as well.  Admittedly, I was more motivated to generate this idea for its potential usefulness more than the humorous or fun aspects of it.

I guess I'll start with a cover letter.  I will likely post that up here... though I might not as well.  Ha.  Not that anyone would care what I do here(no offense to the less-than-handfull of people that actually read my writings here. ha.)

Exceptional musicianship.

Tonight I got to practice with more of the band members all at once than I have done previously and I have to say I am quite impressed!  It is quite a different feeling to feel like such a musical wimp compared to everybody in the band... and I don't think I'm exactly a slouch either!  The bandmeister has simply organized an exceptionally talented core of individuals and I am glad to be along for the ride.  And it definitely seems that, in spite of the fact that most of the members excel in their solo efforts as musicians, our synergy together actually exists collectively as well.  It helps that we all seem to get along so well.

I hope we are able to pull everything together and further improve upon what has already been organized.  And the sky definitely seems to be the only limit I can see with this crew.  I really need to practice hard for this one if I am ever to climb up to this groups level!  Awesome!

So begins another finals week.

I have been feeling the pressure for the last week or two already... but now it is starting to build up pretty good.  It's a solid sort of pressure... kind of below and above me... hard to pin-point, exactly.  Yet another kind that I will need to buckle down to make it through alright.

I don't think that the quantity or quality of what I have due is particularly astounding by any measure.  Not any more than my own standards of excellences are concerned anyway.  But I do feel a bit of the pressure from the level of expectation from at least one of my teachers.  This is a good thing for me, though, as I often don't feel like I am challenged by their expectations very much.  Nothing against them.  I just need to feel like the possibility of failure is real... and now(even though literal failure is nowhere in sight) the prospect of a potential "B" grade is driving me to work harder to avoid it than I normally do.  Fun times.

So... This necessitates, as was stated in last night's entry, a fairly speedy departure from my recreational writing activities this week.  Unless I have a particularly emotional experience that needs some release I expect this week to be a pretty dry one.

Maybe I'll try to find some of my concise humor bits to share... if that really is such a thing that exists for me to share in the first place.  Well, it's worth trying to find I guess.  Gotta keep all three people who read this(other than the future me) entertained somehow.

A break from the heavy thinking.

I should probably do this more often.  Despite my general propensity to attempt to explain the universe and life and all that stuff(which is really quite fun even though I can't make sense of most of it. ha) I do like to take a walk on the lighter side as well.

Taking a moment to enjoy a movie at the theater is always a great way to do this... and I have gotten the chance to do it twice in the last week.  Thank goodness for the cheapy theater!  Thank goodness for a couple highly entertaining movies to watch at said cheapy theater!

I have a bunch of things to do for my finals projects which will absorb all available moments over the next week or so anyway.  Any unnecessary time I spend doing leisurely writing might better be saved until after the term is over.  Ah... the eternal balance between things that need to get done and things that are just fun to do!

Writing dialogue is challenging.

For the final project of my current screenwriting class I have to write a 30-page screenplay for a movie that we might potentially produce later on in our schooling experience.  This in itself is a fairly exciting prospect since it means I may get to actually do some acting as a character in my own screenplay.  I have never actually done any acting but have always had the idea that it would be another fun challenge worth trying out sometime.  It seems like it is a whole different way to learn about the inner ideas of people too.  Or maybe I just don't have any idea what I'm talking about.  Ha.

As a writer of various things from time to time I have run into this challenge before, but I guess it has been a while so I forgot what it was like until now.  Writing dialogue between two people is difficult for me to do, though, and I think it could be a valuable skill to get good at.  Especially if I can make the dialogue natural and believable.

It might seem easy at first glance, as you're just writing down the things you think people would say to each other, but upon further inspection it becomes something much more complicated than that(or perhaps that's just what I tend to do to it unnecessarily.)  Since, when two people talk to each other, they are actually contributing their conversational content based on their personal character and experiences.  This means, everything they say should be unique to that person.  Else, they are simply a clone of social expectation, and are contributing little of relevance to the conversation.  Not to sound harsh or anything.  I'm sure a lot of my own actual ideas probably seem nearly identical to what I just described to some people.  Though, the point is still made through the fact that I am a unique, distinct individual.  So coming up with the entire culture, history, and nuances of an entirely fictitious person can be quite a daunting task.

Luckily, in most cases, lots of so-so dialogue can be rattled out pretty quickly just to get a foundation started.  People generally behave in a somewhat predictable, consistent sort of way.  This isn't a bad thing, either, as it simply shows their adherence to universal principles in whatever form they pervade our lives.  Once the basic elements of the dialogue are laid down the rest can be sculpted to reflect the truly unique character of that person... well... that might be the ideal anyway.  Even my theory on all of this is a work in progress.

This is a great opportunity to try to get to know somebody new.  Too bad that person doesn't really exist but I guess it might help me to get to know my real friends, and other people in general, a little bit better anyway.

Letters to the future.

I'd like to describe a category which I will be using to label some of my posts.  This is a category of my writing that I intend to do from time to time for several reasons.  It is something I have done a little of before and have always appreciated the experience on both ends, whether at the moment of writing or the moment of receiving(since I have typically only done this in writing letters to myself.)  This particular category of my writing, however, is something that I would like to do more for the other important people of my future than for myself.  I will certainly take the time to write to myself on occasion... but it certainly has a different meaning and effect than anything I would write to someone other than myself.

Here are a few of my reasons for doing this:

Writing to others is an act of faith.  Unless you actually hand a person the letter you are writing to, and sit with them to watch them read it, it is unlikely you will ever be aware if or when this takes place.  Beyond that, you never really know how it is received until you get some sort of feedback, which may or may not have the desired positive effect, and may never be given to you even if it is well-received anyway.  Thus, the element of faith is definitely increased through this practice, and I am definitely in need of increasing my faith.

Writing to others is one way I can build a relationship with them.  I am all about building relationships, not breaking them down or allowing them to disintegrate.  I know that time can come to dim the light between me and others, as we may separate and become entangled in our lives apart, but I know that it doesn't have to undo any progress which has been made prior to that separation.  I further believe that efforts extended to build any relationship while separated actually do build that relationship that much more when they are together.  This is easily represented in the role of performing temple work for those who have already passed beyond the veil of this life.

Writing to others is a form of commitment.  Every word we put down in writing should come from our honest intentions to do the right things.  And though I am definitely a flawed, imperfect person, my intentions to do the right things will hopefully remain intact, and every goal or positive notion I express in any letter will hopefully be extended my honest best effort to keep or achieve.  Certainly this is an unusual way to go about writing goals but I think it will prove productive in my life.

Writing to others is a form of honesty.  Not just for the intended recipient of the letter but also for myself.  If I am taking the time to compose something for all of the above stated reasons I definitely have to search my inner-self to produce the best possible result.  Despite my generally carefree style of expression I take this form of communication very seriously.  I honestly don't expect anybody to care about this as much, or take this as seriously as I do, and why should they?  These are written from me to the future I hope and expect to have.  Certainly I would hope that any of what I write here can be helpful to any who read it(else, why bother posting any of this on a public blog?) perhaps serving as an example of things worth trying in your own life, or clearly illustrating my own folly in my attempts to do the right things.

Altogether, I feel like this will be a good category to explore from time to time for the reasons that it can also be fun and friendly.  It is good to think of the future and excitedly try to become a part of it somehow.  This seems like as good a method as any I can currently think of and I hope it can be worth anybody's time who gives it a shot as well.

Who says that cheap isn't good?

Well... I guess I do.  Ha.  But I suppose I should differentiate cheap from inexpensive to make sense of that.  And by saying that it isn't good doesn't mean I'm calling it bad either.  Aww... I guess I'm giving it too much explanation... I got to see a movie inexpensively tonight and I really enjoyed the movie.  Good times!

So, I came across a blog yesterday that helped me to realize something about much of the way I write, and maybe even largely how I think about things.  The blog was a philosophy blog that defined itself as such and described a lot of the way that works for that particular blog writer.  It occurred to me that, even though I have identified myself in this way before, that this really is quite similar to the way I write about things of my life.  I don't always do this but it definitely is one of the major ways I ingest the world around me.  And I guess I forgot about that fact for the last however long it has been.  I know that I don't really think very much like other people about a lot of things, but when seen in this context it makes me realize even more acutely that not everybody really likes to write about the same kinds of things that I do.  Everybody has a different slice of life to offer in a different sort of way unique to themselves... and I love it!

Easter is tomorrow and I think it should be a very fine day indeed.  I get to sleep in so that is already a big plus to begin with!

Shopping without a plan.

Is a plan for shopping failure.  Ha.  No, I don't think it is as extreme as failure but it definitely demotes it somewhere near the level of a high D+ or so.  I always have those moments throughout the course of any given day when I realize that I am currently lacking something useful and I think to myself "I should get some of that next time I go shopping." and almost invariably I don't take the time to add it to any literal shopping plan and I forget to get it until the next time I realize that I needed whatever that item was!(I'm sure that sentence was WAY too long... whoops.  Ha.)

I have even gotten myself an app which I occasionally use that proves to me its worth every time I am smart enough to actually use it.  It is somewhat lacking in options and ease so I recently got another app that I need to try out.  It is definitely nice to relegate a little part of your brain's work to an app once in a while.  It kinda makes me feel like a cyborg in some ways... which is cool... in my book... which is obviously a book for geeks... and I'm proud of my geek book.  And, this seems like a fine place for my funny word of the day.

Geek: a carnival performer who performs sensationally morbid or disgusting acts, as biting of the head of a live chicken.

Of course there are several incarnations of the word which have nothing to do with the circus or chickens but I've always thought not enough people knew one of the original meanings of this word.  So here it is.  Enjoy this new found knowledge.  Ha.

Anyway... I'm glad I got some ice cream when I went shopping earlier.  I'm sad I was not able to remember the other thing which I'm sure I would have greatly appreciated having... if only I could remember what it was?!

Discovery through expression.

I was thinking about the ways I come to understand things about myself, especially as I try to understand what the ultimate motivating factor is behind any decision I make in life.  And, even though I have explored very similar ideas related to this topic before, I think much of what I was thinking about recently is actually a somewhat new concept to me, at least in to the degree that it has gained insightful meaning in my mind.  It is actually such a broad and deep topic that I think it will bear much more work than I am inclined produce in just one meager essay to describe it all. I think I will start tonight by just sort of laying out a thesis on my idea which will hopefully function somewhat as a launching point into connected branches of thinking which all build the same, original idea(which I'm sure is not really an original idea other than the fact that I can not claim it is based on anything specific I have heard or read before.)  I intend to do this in a more technical manner than I usually, or ever, have done in the past(not to please the scientific, scholarly, language, or relatedly expert crowd who ever might peruse my writings as much as it is a method which might reveal more of the essential truths with greater clarity than my usual shoot-from-the-hip method does.)

Wow... that was a long introductory paragraph.  This will be a very short paragraph which also denotes the presence of my typical self-aware style of writing... which I guess I will be including in this essay as well.

First, I will start with a description of the thought which acted as the seed to what I consider the main topic of this whole thing:  I was contemplating the way one improvises music, thinking about how one can, through the end result of any given musical piece/composition, begin to understand it's source as something expressed through thinking and conceptualization, or by means of related emotional feelings.  Music is a beautiful thing which can very elegantly mingle both expressed sources(thinking and feeling) into it's very nature almost seamlessly.  But, no matter how interwoven their sources, they can be determined to be either one, or the other, or both together.  I am not one to make bold, literal statements of hyperbole in general but I do believe that all music, and (as I will shortly state in my main thesis statement) literally everything else in life, can be boiled down to having its seeds of creation dominantly rooted in either thinking or feeling, with both always present to some degree.

Thus, my thesis alone: All actions are spawned from either thinking or feeling.

I am sure this seems like an obvious statement of meaning, indeed it seems like a simple concept at a casual glance even to me, but my mind has caught a hold of many deeper roots which come from this simple concept.

Indeed, I have already reached tonight's limit on my energy to express any of them in particular, but I am satisfied to have begun this little journey in my writing at all tonight.  It is a dauntingly large topic that I intend to expose as far as my mind can reach and I hope any who read this, and whatever I am able to muster in the time to come, might enjoy the journey that I have already started taking in my mind because of this concept(I bet I sound like a crazy person on drugs or something just making such a statement! ha)

And, PLEASE, if anybody EVER has any comments to offer I am ALWAYS interested to hear them.  I learn more by mixing in other people's ideas than I ever could all on my own.

Recognizing the different types of tools in our lives.

Any time somebody picks up a hammer I am pretty sure there is little question about what will be done with it, assuming there are nails nearby that need to be smashed down.  It is, therefore, a trivially easy thing to discern the value of that hammer when it fills that particular purpose so clearly and efficiently.  The hammer was designed and built almost exclusively for that purpose(though the ones with a claw on the back can also be seen doing somewhat of the opposite kind of work on occasion.)  And, now matter what I put my mind to doing, no matter how much training and conditioning I undertake, no matter the intensity of my desire or the resources at my disposal... I can never become a hammer.  I can never smash nails into things as effectively as a $3 hammer will.  But... should that stop me from trying?(the answer is yes, actually. That should stop you from trying to smash nails like a hammer. Don't even try to be a hammer. You just can't do it.)  You should, however, realize that even a hammer has multiple sorts of useful things it can do.

This leads me to my second point in this line of thinking tonight.  The point that, even though a hammer is a tool we can easily recognize and gain the benefit from in every day life,(assuming we need a hammer that often... which must make us all carpenters, I guess?) there are many different tools readily available for our use.  And I'm not sure why I was so compelled to go about writing on this topic in such a roundabout way, but experiences themselves can be just such a tool in and of itself.  I don't mean that experiences can be used to smash nails into things.  That's just silly.  But we are often posed with challenges through which the examination of said experiences might be our best tools to effectively navigate those challenges.  Personal review of an experience can be used to pick the lock of a metaphorical door which has been closed in our faces.  I feel inclined to point out that experiences used as a tool don't necessarily have to be our own.  In fact, in nearly all cases, one generally comes out better off if they are able to utilize the experiences of others to their own advantage, thus avoiding potential problems which could then require a greater array of tools than before just to recover from the damage.  Would this not speak to the greater value of using experiential tools?

Leading me to my final point tonight.  I am a tool.  Yes, in the sense that I am often an idiot who makes stupid mistakes, and in the sense that others might learn from my mistakes so they can avoid the same damage that I have incurred.  Perhaps this is one of my bigger motivating factors for laying so much of myself out there.  I love people and I don't want to see them hurt like I have.  I'm not sure I have thought of this as one of my motivating factors before(though, to be honest, I may have already written about this exact topic and just don't remember) but it does feel fairly accurate to me.  I don't mind being a tool... as long as somebody is using me for good purposes.  If I'm gonna be a tool I gotta be put to use!  Nobody wants to be an unused tool.

I suppose this also ties in with my enjoyment of teaching... which I love to do.  I am very empathetically delighted to see the progress of others and I can think of few things(outside of parenthood-essentially the role of a non-stop teacher) which allow me greater perspective on another person's progress in life.

There are several different ways I wanted to take this topic but I am definitely waxing on WAY too late for my physical benefit.  I hope the tangents I did take provide a meaningful route of ideas nonetheless.  They were obviously good for this tool's enjoyment!

All-night interruption.

There isn't any really good reason for why I've basically stayed up all night to get some homework done... but I thought I'd try to squeeze in a quick entry here anyway.  Quite a subpar effort in both regards but I'm sticking to my commitments anyway.

I think I'd like to start creating specific sections to this blog writing effort.  There will still be the generally disconnected blog entries dominantly populating my efforts but I think it would be good to subdivide certain types with some consistency as well.  I've thought of a couple of the easy sections so far: Prose and Poetry, Letters to my Future, Dream Log.  I've even basically used most of these already but I think giving them specific definition once in a while can be a good thing.  Plus, the "Letters to my Future" one seems pretty fun and is hopefully a new perspective on goal writing that I can find usefully motivating.  I'm sure it can have other useful applications as well.

Anyway... I should get back to the grind stone.  I'm still in need of a good deal of polish.

Edit: Here are all current labeled categories - A Fine Frenzy of Feelings, Dream Log, Excremental Expertise, FWOTD... Please hand me that incunabulum, Letters to the Future, Prose and Poetry, The Best Plaid Plans, Thinking to and from the Core, Review from the Top, Quotation Station. There will be one category called Label Descriptions which will be for the descriptions of each category specifically.

A simple moment of poetry.

The gentle steps of progress
They are so lightly trod
Near thorns and rocky places
Close to the iron rod

How quickly one can lose themselves
And fall from safety's grace
The unbound pain and injury
Contorts the wincing face

Prideful will's desires stray
One's own resented truths
Changing spirit of the self
To simply recognize "good news"

Each labored step of learning
Will reach to life's reward
The broken heart's unyielding yearning
Sings highest praises to the Lord

Transfer completed!

I have finally finished taking all of my blog posts from the first site I used to blog on over to this one.  I used to be a somewhat regular blogger but only had about 60ish total posts to transfer.  That said it still took up to about five minutes per entry depending on how long the entry was and if I found it interesting to read when I was transferring it.  I have certainly changed a lot over the last seven years!

I used to be very opposed to the use of sarcasm in general practice(ever the idealist seeking perfect communication I guess) despite its potential for good quality, even light-hearted humor.  I used to write in a more raw, sort of spontaneous way... which I think seems more interesting to read than the stuff I write now even though it is somewhat more difficult to understand.  I used to write at all different times of the day(which I tried a little bit yesterday but am not too sure how well that will work out until I improve my sleeping habits.)  I think I took the time to express some of my poetic ideas more back then than I do now.  I would like to do that more often again.  And I'm fairly certain I had much better topics of exploration back then.  Some of it comes from the fact that I would usually only blog about once every three or four weeks and naturally there is much more experience and thinking time to draw on.  My current daily commitment has a different sort of value now, though, so I shouldn't complain.

One of the things which has not changed much is my desire to become a better person.  I seem pretty bent on it back then and I certainly still recognize my need for it now.  I still seem to put the more fragile, emotional part of myself out there like I used to.  I do recognize the strength I gain from such expression... though, having done it for years I was not sure I could recognize that strength until having reviewed these entries throughout this transfer process.

I have said this before but I think it bears repeating: I have quite enjoyed taking the time to review these old blog posts of mine.  I honestly think I have a better understanding of myself which I find somewhat empowering and motivational.  It gives me hope for all kinds of reasons.  Especially hope that I actually can become the kind of person I think He wants me to be.  I know I am a very slow mover when compared to the normal social standards(who seriously waits this long to make any serious attempts to start a family?) but I also know that His standards have nothing to do with social standards and He knows where my heart is.

I am just glad to feel like He is in my corner despite my stupid mistakes and failed attempts.  I guess that's another thing that I feel has not changed much over the years(even though I totally thought it was different back then.)

Oh, and before I forget, general conference was most excellent today!  I missed a lot of the sessions but what I got to see/hear/feel was most excellent!  I look forward to hearing them on mp3 for the next six months.

People of the internet unite!

Current mood: content

Actually, I only want the like-minded ones to unite. Then a large battle can be drawn and I always like a good dose of chaos (I could ramble on that subject alone for quite a span but I do not feel inclined to address it now). I also prefer my perspective view of the world to be seen with greater contrast. Black and white. No grey or anything in between (I prefer the Canadian way of spelling sometimes). Living in an idealistic way is most difficult without clearer definition of the lines and a self-sustained portion of courage. Who cares for the anticipated reward? Doing what is right defines my chosen side to rub shoulders with. I work on many different aspects of my behavior but one of the greatest focuses I place priority on is my desire to do what is right. I am a seriously flawed individual. I often run down the path away from the truth because it is the path of least resistance. What a waste of time that is, even though I often think of it as taking a break, and how much harder it is to climb back to the correct path. My way is not the right way... I wish it was... but I am a flawed, human weakling with a strong misunderstanding of what the perfect choice is in nearly every situation. Even wanting to do the right thing is not enough. We

all need help.

I have seen it written, and often heard the sentiment, that it is not likely there is someone out there who is completely happy. That is totally false and a misunderstanding of what happiness is and how one goes about attaining it. It is a sad perspective I fear many people harbor. I am not saying I am an expert on said topic, I know a few things about the way this one in particular works though. The short answer of it is that happiness IS a decision inclusive of ALL external factors. If a person decides to react to their situation, whatever it may be, in a negative way they have chosen to overlook the things which bring positivity into the very same situation. EVERY situation or event has negative and positive elements in equal abundance. I know if any time was taken to think about potential as a real and valid factor it would bring to light the truth of my prior statement. Potential is a concept that is bound by the passage of time so I can see it as a difficult concept to apply for those who only "live for today."

I am not usually in this type of mood where I feel obliged to delineate a few of my thoughts on one of the more "foundational" type of concepts but such is the lingering note of a long day. I do not write here for any specific person, or even to address the specific comments I have read or heard, but to breath the truth of my personal testimony on this subject. I know that taking time to construct a thought in written language helps me to better solidify as well as understand the very thought itself. I already keep a daily journal to help me understand that concept. I already utilize my other creative facilities to handle various many other ones.

I recently came across a quote which has stuck out to me much more than many others in recent years.

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent." - Calvin Coolidge

This speaks to many personal thoughts I have had. I lifts and motivates me. I feel like I could be the "poster child" for this... although, unfortunately, not for the persistence part. I will change this, however, as I persist, as I become what I desire to become. One who understands how to rely on the help of one who knows. One who is COMPLETELY happy.

Nothing like a good ol' between-conference-session nap!

Which is exactly what I am looking forward to tomorrow!  Plus, I get to sleep in until conference starts in the first place... double score!

Thus, knowing that I was not going to be able to watch any of conference today due to my scheduled work-shift, I did not prepare my questions of greatest concern for conference to help me find answers to.  I will not put my questions here to be freely read(and likely misunderstood. ha) but I certainly don't do this enough and need to remember to do it every time conference comes around.  It's sort of like planning for a needed lightbulb replacement in a darkened room.  I can't wait to see what I've been missing in there!

So I'll keep it short tonight.  Kinda craving pillow softness under my head right now.