The purge is coming.

While I was packing up the truck to complete my move back to the parents house I was realizing how much totally unnecessary junk I have been hanging on to that I really need to just get rid of. The process of doing this will be a tedious, time-consuming one for sure... but it NEEDS to be done! Holy moly, I have way too much junk! I wonder how I got this far in life thinking otherwise? Probably a good healthy dose of self-denial, I guess. Ha.

Push leg further into mouth, repeat.

I think I have a special interest in self-destructive behavior when it comes to girls. I just wanted to be patient. I just wanted to give her space so she could cope with the challenges she is already dealing with. I guess I also just wanted to toss my heart in front of her shoe as she continued to walk some other direction... Why? I think(I daresay "think"), I must feel for her more than I realized. She means more to me than I thought, despite my glowing reviews over the last week, and I think my heart tends to poison my logical thinking if I am not totally diligent. And since I've been averaging around 3 or so hours of sleep each night over the last couple or so days... my diligence has certainly lost whatever fight it was trying to put up. Ha. I am surprised I am able to put together a coherent sentence right now! I am totally wasted!

I have been in the pity party of the week for most of the day... but, thankfully,(and somewhat mysteriously) I have had some moments of clarity that have kept my head above water more than I would have expected. I don't really think all is lost with her... I think she'll still have me as a friend and that's way better than nothing! I just need to give her some space for a little while. I only hope I can actually keep up the self-control to do what I am saying I should do. Ha. Sleep is an essential key to this challenge for sure!

Open mouth... insert leg.

I think I just like to eat my foot whole. It feels like most of the time I start to chase a girl I am always overly zealous about spilling my feelings all over her face when she is least expecting it. Like I've filled up a bunch of water balloons with 'em and I'm hiding right around the corner, waiting to blindside her with a full complement of emotional bombs. Ha. Sheesh, I need to get a different method... or maybe a different heart would be easier!

The weekend whirlwind is over.

Now it's time for the weekday whirlwind. Ha. It is finals week, after all.

I have quite a bit of heavy lifting to do tomorrow but I think all will go well. I am finally dialed in on my classes for next term so that's good. I will take another stab at an online course due to the lack of availability during the day in the regular classroom setting. It is a somewhat trepidatious thing for me but I know I can do it.

A woman worth a thousand more words than I could ever write.

A very high percentage of them good with a very small percentage of them landing in the realm of the realistic. I know she isn't perfect but I know she is definitely worth the effort. The motivation to become what she is looking for is nearly as high as my motivation to simply make her happy. I am not totally "in love" mind you, but I quite appreciate my feelings for her as they do improve me in many positive ways. In love could happen and when/if it does I'll be happy for that as it comes. No need to try to force anything. I only hope I am lucky enough that she one day returns my feelings back.

The beautiful Sabbath day.

I love being able to relax and take in the church experience with a mind at ease. I enjoy the people I get to see, the family I get to hang with, and the general calm feelings I get to feel. I think it is just the kind of thing I really need in the middle of a busy week of life stuff that's full of stress.

Transitioning life.

Life is meant to be about change. Much of it is pretty incremental and mostly unobservable in the moment, but the continuing sustained effects do make themselves apparent when one takes a little time to reflect on them.

Sometimes, however, we cast ourselves into a den of change. I am moving from one house to another which seems to always brings a distinct life focus into clarity for whatever reason. I am not sure why but I decided to adopt a different, and I daresay improved, level of adherence to my priority structure. Namely, I need to put big things first(family/marriage, job, college, future) before the rest of what I seek can possibly have a chance to fall in place. Walnuts in a mason jar filled with sand, I guess.

Breaking it down.

It is always a challenging thing to spill your feelings for someone, even if the feelings are only in their infancy, so to speak. I am grateful for the kindness I have been extended in this regard on this occasion, however, and hope it could only go this well every time.

Body still intact.

I guess I'm not as old as I often claim to be. Sure, my back hurts from playing basketball, but I still somehow managed to play a decent game anyway. I think I might have a different opinion over the next couple days as the real pain starts to settle in, but I don't think that is necessarily age, either. More like dumb decisions or lack of regard for my physical health... lack might be a strong term. Less regard than I should.

Brain drain.

I am really starting to notice how poorly my brain seems to function when I am running on such little sleep. It have a very difficult time getting started on tasks that require me to remember exactly where I left off. This is a somewhat uncommon thing for me. I guess I really should recognize it as a good clue about the value of proper sleep. Duh!

Learning the things of importance.

It only seems to actually come through experimentation and experience. A belief can carry us into the attempted expression of important knowledge... but I don't think we ever really know the truth until we have either been bitten by it's cold counterparts, or guided by it's safe embrace. Maybe that's just a fancy way to say I am pretty sure I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time. Ha.

Optimism and realism.

I think I have a lot of conflicting ideas about what I should do about pursuing a possible relationship with a woman. It mostly comes because I don't really seem to know what is realistic versus what I prefer to be optimistic about. It always ends in me getting burned but I don't seem to learn anyway. It is a curious thing. Maybe I like the pain? I don't really know.

Chucking plastic in the soggy of soggies.

I really enjoy disc golf way more than I realized before today. After all, what would cause me to play into the dark of night under the drizzle of the Washington sky? Simple love of the sport. That is all.

Mysterious stamina.

Other than the mental workout I engaged in while putting together a very challenging Flash assignment today(which normally exhausts me even more than keeping me awake) I am not entirely sure how I was awake as much as I was today. I only slept a couple or so hours with a few very brief naps thrown into the mix throughout the day, some intentional, some by accident.

Through it all I still come out of it inspired by some of the work I was doing. None of my optimism is derived or even related to my deliriously sleepy or exhausted state of being, either. I really enjoy the work of Flash programming and the infinite possibilities it seems to spark in my daydreaming prognostications. The general encouragement of future possibilities is always an encouraging feeling.

One of the most frustrating days in recent memory.

Yet it still ended on a good note. And how blessed I feel for such magnificent help!

I ran into several technical difficulties today and I suppose much of it has to do with the fact that I could have been more prepared for these difficulties all along. I know I should backup my work all the time and now I suppose I needed to learn its importance the hard way.

I think things will turn out fine, for the most part, but the patience it has tried has certainly meant very little to anybody else. Good times!

Feet on the ground.

I tend to think about things with a sort of dreamy, semi-unrealistic sort of optimism sometimes. I think it can be a somewhat dangerous way to be, however, I think it also feeds my sense of purpose and direction in a fairly positive way as well.

It is often the easier way to be, as well. It's fun. Day dreaming might not be for everyone but I think it's pretty awesome. I mean, I obviously have fun doing all kinds of things that are definitely not very much like day dreaming, but I think it is probably a nice balance to all of those other things.

Anyway, I don't think I need to ramble about my fanciful hobbies any longer. Even if they might be worth rambling about from time to time.

Fishing is full of fun... and a little poop.

I quite enjoyed the experience of fishing for my first time ever. Somehow it was pretty much exactly what I expected it to be, which is a sort of uncommon thing in the first place, but I suppose the act of fishing is not really so complicated that it is all that difficult to imagine with reasonable accuracy.

I will enjoy it in the future as well, despite its seemingly mundane and generally unexciting spread of events. Any time you get a strike, somewhat akin to the excitement a strike in bowling brings, you certainly realize why you are out there sitting in a boat doing almost nothing for so long... the excitement.

And when you grab a fish and squeeze it a little too hard you should be careful about what might get ejected from the fish... into your lap.

Mum's day.

It is one of those days that feels sort of like Christmas. Most of it is spent honoring somebody in our life which means more to us than pretty much anybody else ever(except Christ, for those of us who are Christian.) It is a more personally recognizable sort of recognition. Something that has immediate feedback. The palpable love between a parent and a child. Something I am most grateful for indeed.

Big shoots.

I know it was not necessarily the biggest shoot every but it was one of the biggest I have participated in and it was definitely a great opportunity and learning experience. The sun was beaming, the actors where cooperative, the mood was relatively light, and the results will speak for themselves.

Small day recharge, long day energy.

I don't know exactly how I did(or do) this, but I had a fairly draining day of work from front to back, loaded with all kinds of stuff and I only really took one nap... WAY after all the hard stuff... basically at bed time. A friend asked me, what is the secret of how you're still awake? And I had to reply that I really don't understand it myself. I should have been totally wiped out at that point of the day.

So, tomorrow should be something different. I think I will have another long first half of the day, but I am not really sure what is going on in the afternoon or evening exactly. A planned nap should definitely be in order.

Hanging with the girl.

I suppose I have more affection for the girl than I realized. After having the opportunity to do some disc golfing with her today I found myself thinking about her more than usual. It is mostly the simple realizations that I really enjoy being around her. I don't think my feelings for her are particularly deep but they are still motivating. I would like to get to know her better. I would like to do more anything with her. It would be really nice if she had a similar feeling for me, even if only a small portion, though I could never expect anything like that.

Silently productive.

Today I just went about doing my work with little noise about it and lots of progress to be made. I think it was just about as productive as I could have been which is not something I have done to this degree in quite some time. It certainly still could have been more productive but even if I hit somewhere around 75% productive for the day I think that is an accomplishment. And, other than my flaring allergies, I don't feel particularly burned out either. Nice!

Turbulent transitions.

The main software company of my productivity recently announced a massive change in the way they license their software and what they will soon be doing with their former software model of sales. It is something I, as a small business owner and freelancer, appreciate as it allows me to be a legal contributing user, albeit for a semi-sizable sum(at least, by comparison to my overall income.)

The commentary I have been reading is overwhelmingly negative, however, and I am interested to see what will come of it all. It seems that it should likely improve my situation, in any case, so I am happy to ride it out as the tide slowly changes its direction. It seems like a fairly entertaining sort of chaos. Ha.

The pains of overheating.

The weather, when it can become as hot as it did today, can actually be a bit of a challenge for me. I do enjoy what it does for the world in general. I am certainly quite the wimp about being so hot I sweat while sitting still. It isn't just the discomfort either... it seems to sap away my strength and motivation. Oh well... I guess I just need to toughen up some more. Oh, the lessons of life!

Sunny day food time!

I think summer is definitely infectious. It seems to make the food better, the smiles bigger, and the glow that people carry around brighter! I am not really a fan of the overbearing heat but I am a fan of the gently lifted attitudes.

I am even more a fan of the smiles that come from those of the female persuasion. I feel lucky to still get those sent my way from time to time.

Bumblebees ain't got nothin' on me!

Work, dentist, club, shoot, practice, and one movie later I think I can safely call this day a wrap. And I am sure I still could have been even more productive... which, I guess, is probably just about always the case these days.

Cool golf courses are all around.

There is a never ending supply of interesting new places to play disc golf. At least, that is how is seems. I think the fact that the sport is basically free is pretty much totally awesome on top of that.

I am pretty wiped out physically and my mental faculties naturally take a hit as well... so I suppose this entry will not do the personal excitement I have boiling around in my head very much justice... but I think it'll find it's way into a future entry at some point... in a more lucid state.

Super sunny supertime!

I got to play two rounds of disc golf today and, boy, what a groovy ol' time that was! The weather was pretty much so awesome that I don't remember thinking a single discomforted thought about it. The rounds were basically a pure, unadulterated golfing experience. And even though neither of us performed very well we still enjoyed the opportunity quite fully.

Now, because it actually exhausted me somewhat like a game of basketball might, I am very ready for a hopefully rejuvenative sleep.

Slowly moving progress.

It feels like I am sort of at the beginning of the end of my current schooling situation. The technically projected finish of my degree program is still a February away but I think this stretch looks to be a highly productive, future-establishing sort of stretch. Lots of potentially sweet things are on the horizon and going into the summer as it happens is a pretty fun bonus!