Fun Behind the Scenes.

 It's a pretty different type of art and creativity. The main motive is to gain marketing appeal but I don't think that diminishes the opportunity to explore creatively. There are also, in many ways, opportunities to emulate the main subject of their efforts.

Back Pain is Real.

 And it's an incredible reminder of the fragility of life. Ha. Not too different from the reminders of death.

So I am still in a somewhat considerable level of pain more than 12 hours later and I don't think there's much else worth talking about here. This kind of experience really puts into perspective the needs I have to find a good relationship. I am an island... but I shouldn't be. Who really wants that?

Entitlement is Utterly Disgusting.

 To the degree that I'm not quite sure what it actually means. I'm trying to think of anything that I might feel entitled to... do I feel entitled to anything at all?

I like to think I am owed respect in some situations. I like to think I am owed a measure of love from family members and those that I serve with my own love... but am I actually entitled to any of it? Pretty much the only situation where I think entitlement should exist would be the love a child is entitled to from his or her parents. Maybe I am being hyperbolic to think that but what proof exists that would show evidence to anything else?

Anyway... I think this topic was inspired by the perception I have of many modern women's view of what they expect in the realm of dating and relationships. I only have a small slice of exposure to any expressed views, mostly in podcast media to be fair, but my peripheral experience from online dating seems consistent with that as well. Very little of it is encouraging to almost any degree. I am not entitled to encouragement, though, so I'll just write derogatory blog posts about it instead. Ha.

Learning to Accept Giving Up Lesser Things for Greater Things in the Future.

 It's hard to be more succinct in describing that concept, thus the clunky title.

I have a large suite of luxury beliefs, along with some unnecessary fantasies, that I long believed would still be something I should chase in life... or maybe that I even could still chase. But, why? What in life has led me to harbor these kinds of beliefs? I guess it's hard to answer that question without any clarity about those beliefs and fantasies... but I do believe it is something I need to work to undo. And it won't be easy. Life is never easy.

Classic Cartoons and Dinosaurs.

 On our way to the game night in Olympia we stopped for dinner at a place called Big Tom. I have no idea what inspired the decor but random classic cartoons mixed with dinosaurs is definitely one way to do it. In many ways I am impressed at the boldness of their assertion... the audacity which they embody with immaculate integrity... Oh... and there's a GIANT hamburger right in front of the ordering window that basically squelches more than half of the available space for a line. Neat!

So, what does one learn from all of this bizarrely amalgamated creativity? Maybe it's something like this: Do whatever you want to do in life... but do it by going big and going hard. Who cares what everybody thinks?

10,000 Steps Away... One Step Back.

 That's kind of how it feels right now, anyway. I will admit it feels good to be somewhat social but I know I am likely far away from something one would consider "back."

So, how did it go for me tonight? I am not entirely sure, actually. I think I made a decent impression but I don't feel like I have much more insight about where things actually can go. It was great to see her and enjoy her calm, gracious presence regardless of anything that happens from here. Tomorrow I get to join the fun for another small adventure. I look forward to it.

Death at Any Age.

 I am quite saddened by the news of two different friends today that each had a significant family member pass away recently. One lost a father and the other lost a son. Powerful feelings of somber melancholy came upon me in both instances. The first one because it is a pain I have experienced and the second one because it is a pain I can't even imagine. Death is never a trivial event.

So... what do I do because of all of this? I don't really know. I offered my condolences to the first friend as the news came from him directly. I hope it helped in some small way. My second friend's news came secondhand, though, so I have yet to send my condolences to him. I don't even know what to say... losing somebody at 12 years of age is simply not within my comprehension or experience. I simply feel deeply for his loss.

I hope to feel better in the morning.

The Fairly Serious Mistake is Definitely the Biggest Egg on My Face.

 I do believe it is fixable for sure but I'm still quite annoyed that I missed the solid baseline so easily... it will not happen again, I expect.

This is my livelihood. I need to improve and avoid these kinds of mistakes as much as possible. Pretty simple. The best methods for achieving that goal aren't necessarily simple but the goal itself is. Time to go do it, moving forward.

Baby Steps Can Still Feel Gigantic.

 And I somehow feel pretty calm about it right now. I'm imagining I'll start to feel some nerves on the night that I get to go hang with her and her crew but for now I'm doing well enough.

Part of it might be my altered perspective over the last several years regarding dating and gender relations and having a more mature view of things. Some of it might also be a bit of a low expectations for what all of it could mean or how things could turn out. Some of it could be her calm and pleasant form of communication. I am glad for the generally good feeling of trying to do the right thing.

It has been something like seven or so years since my last date, even... I think. What a sad thing to say. I am not happy I have neglected this fundamentally crucial part of life... part of my life for so long. I really need to keep moving forward with it for sure!

An Unexpected Flit of Excitement.

 Upon glancing at the latest portrait of a woman I have thought about lately, with the inclination to think she might be a great partner to pursue, I honestly had a physical reaction, somewhat of a gasp at her beauty in a way I was not prepared for. I have always thought her to be an attractive woman but I don't recall the last time I had this kind of reaction. I don't want to highlight it in such a way that blows it out of proportion but it does seem significant to me that it happened which is why I am taking the time to put this down in writing in the first place.

So... what do I do about it? I plan to reach out to her to see if she'd be interested in catching up. I've never had the idea she was ever attracted to me(I've known her for maybe close to 15 years) but she did always treat me with respect. I don't have any illusions that because of my life's journey away from the church that she would even consider me any sort of potential candidate for anything serious... but... I still think she seems worth making the attempt and if she shoots me down at least I'll know she wasn't the one for me. And that's totally okay. And such is the way of life.

Is AI dating a possibility?

 Could it be useful? Would it be ethically wrong to do it? Could it be accurate? Would it further distance humans from each other in a similar way that social media seems to have?

The basic concept of AI dating would be this: each participant would train the AI with as much personal data, communications, history, personality tests, etcetera to best understand and emulate their personalities and they could be used to both locate potential matches but also to simulate potential dates and guess what kind of compatibility potential matches would have. I'm sure there are many other things it could be used to do that might be useful in the dating experience... I'm a bit dry of ideas at the moment.

Anyway... it seems like it could be a good idea... but is it? If it was hypothetically crafted in the most thorough and accurate way possible would it truly manifest in a positive way? Would a poorly crafted version necessarily be negative? It's a curious idea to contemplate for sure.

The Drudgery of Exodus Continues.

 So I marched at a slower than preferred pace for basically the entire day. I did make some useful progress so it wasn't a total waste but I'm sure I could be much further along. What does this mean I am feeling about the whole experience?

I think the vagueness and lack of clarity about my next steps might be starting to become a bit of an emotionally weighty force. I wouldn't label any of it as specifically negative or adverse but there is an actual weight I think I am feeling now. I expect some of it will lighten once I am fully out of the bedroom and also when I get some of the larger elements into my storage unit but I am sure I can definitely find relief once I have a solid plan for where I will end up next.

In some ways this is the same challenge I faced after Pops passed and we decided to sell the house. Finding Chad's house as a temporary reprieve only delayed things and now I am facing it once again. I will be making some tough decisions over the next couple of weeks for sure.

Beginning the Labor of Leaving it All Behind.

 "All" isn't a very precise way to describe it... though, I would consider my life here as falling within that definition.

In some ways it feels good to be cleaning and organizing, especially my room. It kind of makes me sad that I had not taken the opportunity to do this sooner just to live in a cleaner environment. It already feels quite a bit less emotionally/mentally burdensome just being in there even though I still have a lot of cleaning left to do before I'm done. It's a thing I hope to maintain as I move into wherever it is that I go next.

Such is the challenge of major life changes. It is totally unclear to me where I will be heading next but I imagine it will be fairly soon and I really need to get that figured out quickly. My fun under the sun will soon be in the past.

A Cool Behind-the-Scenes Experience.

 I got to do some shooting for the behind-the-scenes production of a Hollywood-level feature today. I guess it was probably the highest budget feature I have been involved with on any level? I'm not actually sure. Either way, it was a cool, fun experience.

The director is the same guy who made the Troll Hunter film which is a film I quite enjoyed. I didn't take the opportunity to go chat with him or anything but if I end up back on that set I just might.

It was also interesting to learn about the van life, which is apparently a crucial element of the movie's storyline. They were able to get a bunch of van life extras there so we did 12 or so interviews and each perspective was insightful and interesting. It gave me something to think about for sure.

Where Did the Slang Word "Puppy" Come From?

 It's a bit of a puzzle for sure. I can't even think of a single coherent or semi-logical explanation or speculation about the etymology or source of the word. Here's a couple use cases of the word so that you, the reader, might also be confused along with me.

"Bring that puppy over here whenever you get a chance." Wayne spoke as he pointed at the vividly colored cupcake sitting on the counter next to the masked stranger.

She smiled wryly, while listening intently on her headphones, then exclaimed "Dang, that puppy is confusing and subtle!"

It's almost like the slang term "puppy" is somehow a placeholder for the generic representation of a non-specific object. I'm currently not really able to think of other such words that serve the same kind of purpose(though, I am sure there are many) but even in this case it is quite confusing as to it's origins. "Dog" or "dawg" both seem like they could be related but don't have any kind of similar meaning so it seems like a dubious guess. My only thought that feels like it could have some merit would be the idea that it somehow came from the world of jazz. I might only think that because it seems like a lot of common slang terms that are still in semi-regular use seemed to have come from there.

If anybody knows anything and can fill me in please let me know. I might take some time to do research about it if it starts to bug me too much but for now I guess I'm happy to just muse about it in a speculative way a little.

Maybe Russian Instead of Chinese?

 In my early adult life I thought that learning Chinese would be super cool and I guess it mostly revolved around my involvement and intensity with table tennis. But now... I have a new passion in life(though I still have a solid love for table tennis, to be fair.) Arm wrestling.

So much of the arm wrestling world speaks Russian and now my desire to know it has overtaken Chinese. I think it would be quite useful and pretty cool. I'm quite positive I don't have the patience or self-discipline to make that happen, though. Seems fun enough to just ponder about the possibility of doing it. Why not? It's kind of a weird dream to have, I guess.

Comedy is the Best Medicine

 Or at the least it's probably my favorite medicine. Admittedly, I would love to become adept at grinding it out with comedic quality on the regular, but I know it's a tall order. Seems like a worthy effort to make the attempt at least... though, it definitely could be a massive emotional shift in my approach to written and spoken media. I am in such a mellow mood at the end of each day. Gotta put the humorous ideas down during the day so I can maybe find the inspiration a little easier at night.

I saw a bunch of crows having a meeting in the tree outside the back door earlier today... that was kind of a funny sight. They didn't seem amused that I was capturing video of them. A surly, disaffected bunch, they were. I wonder if they scheduled that meeting beforehand?

I Drive Many Miles

 And I enjoy seeing all the beautiful landscapes as I go.

Almost the entire stretch between Montana and here was covered in snow so that's always a cool variation of how things normally look. The temperature gradually rose from about 3-degrees to around 30-degrees or so by the time I got home. It's kinda weird how 30-degrees can actually feel warmish because of the contrast.

Something else I noticed about the extreme cold temperatures... I can't really tell how different it feels... like the coldness doesn't really seem to feel colder... rather, it just seems to feel cold faster. Like, the chill seems to just sink into the core quicker. It's kind of hard to explain beyond that but I wanted to make the point anyway.

Anyway... the trip to Montana was a blast. Tons of cool people and great fun was had by all!

The Assumed Premise That I am Quite Possibly Wrong.

 I tend to think this is a great principle to incorporate into one's character. However, this principle alone could be problematic if there aren't other buffering principles in place to bolster it. I'll try to clarify my thoughts on this a bit.

Always assuming I might be wrong should create a measured expectation about the ways things might happen in life. It allows me the grace of actually being wrong, finding out I have made a mistake, or attempting to leverage my influence when it does turn out that I am right. It also increases my gratitude and confidence when things do go right and, in a subtle way, can reinforce any positive actions related to said successes.

One buffering principle that might be importantly valuable to keep said assumptions in their proper context would be the personal allowance for when things have gone wrong and the assumptions have been proven wrong. Knowing the personal value one can gain through making mistakes and learning from them is an exceptional way to balance whatever self-doubt, anxiety, and general negative feelings one would naturally incur in such situations. This principle can even embolden the courage necessary to later attempt any similar actions that can so easily be avoided or squelched by such negativity in the future.

Anyway... maybe none of this is particularly new or inspiring or even entertaining... but that's okay right now. I just thought it could be valuable to explore the concepts while they were on my mind today.

We become what we're good at.

 Or at the very least what we like a lot or what is easy to us. Though, there are some times we take the more challenging route to something new and/or unexpected.

Considering myself as an example I am inclined to see the chain somewhat clearly. My career is that of a professional visual observer(Director of Photography)... which requires my enjoyment of visual framing, my interest in empathetically estimating the things others will enjoy, my love of storytelling, and my enjoyed intensity as it relates to time and pacing. There are smaller factors involved(team work, novelty of the ever-changing scenery, intensity of focus, etc) but everything contributes and I can hardly think of any examples to the contrary. So... what's my point really? Is this a good or a bad thing?

Maybe the basic point is that people are largely guided by what they like and they become what is easiest to become. Not in a condescending way but I think that means most people basically like all the most popular things and sort of become fairly average in most ways that are the easiest things to access because of general ubiquity and support. This essentially means, if my logic is correct, that the non-average(above and below) folks become such because they truly enjoy those things which themselves are not common.

I think the exception to all of this are those who either like, or are incredibly competent at, self-discipline and consistency. Those people become whatever they want to become. They are the heroes by choice. Maybe they deserve an entire blog post all on their own.

What am I good at?

 Because this seems like the first place I should exert some of my creative energy for the vlogs/blogs I am endeavoring to make. I am still needing to get better at talking on camera so aiming at the low hanging fruit of topics just seems like the right idea. Not sure why I didn't think of it right away. So... what are these things?

I think I am pretty good at examining ideas. I make a concerted effort to see all the way to the edges in every direction possible and often try to synthesize potential ramifications of how the idea might be implemented in real life. I think this enables quality interrogation to thoroughly examine the how's and why's that are important to best understand a given thing. Along with this interrogation is the real intent to explore the correct and honest behavior involved regardless of my predisposed perspective beforehand. I am not always willing or capable to fully conform to new information but I definitely do a good job of recognizing truth where it exists regardless.

Well, I'll just leave it here for now. I had at least one more topic I thought of to potentially address here but I am now thinking that one topic per entry seems more feasible and is also less confusing in the afterglow.

Attempt at a thought or two.

 I've recently started vlogging and despite my normal ability to wax philosophical extemporaneously most of the time I seem to lack that swagger when the camera kicks on. So now I am making an attempt to generate ideas through the practice of blogging once again. I seem to have a bit more access to the thinking part of my brain when I do this. Maybe it's just because I've practiced it?

Additionally, I have started writing some thoughts down in the notes app in my phone to aid in this process as well. Today the two things I wrote down will be my main topics to address here.

Is groupthink bad? Or, when is groupthink bad? I realize it can be a beneficial thing from time to time. But is it more frequently the case that it is something one would consider bad? I had the thought today that it might be specifically anti-progressive. Not the political version of progressive specifically but I think it could be applied to that as well. Basically... when staying within the lines of groupthink does innovation become stifled? Or is there the possibility of greater exploration of the nuanced and repetitive? Does it enable a greater form of refinement and polish? I don't really know. I just think it bears some time in reflection and analysis.

Today I discovered that I somehow missed clipping one of my fingernails a few days ago. I am not sure I have ever done that before and it was quite a weird discovery! That means I missed it while clipping the other nails AND I missed it every day since then... have I become that less observant about myself? Very strange. Such is life.