Relief in the Form of an Old Flame

 What an unexpected but amazing turn! She reconnected with someone she has known for a long time and simply didn't know how to tell me what had happened. Obviously I am sad for this turn of events as I was really looking forward to getting to know her better but I am utterly ecstatic that she actually told me what happened and my confusion has been totally quelled! I am now totally convinced that confusion might be the thing that most affects me emotionally out of anything I experience in the dating realm. Well, loss and confusion combined, I suppose. It was a bizarrely disturbing experience.

Now I feel totally unburdened by the weight of my apathetic melancholy. It's a pretty awesome feeling, really. Life resumes as it always has and I look forward to what the fates have in store for me again.

An odd bit of depressive hangover.

 I slept somewhat fitfully, I think, and the strangeness of my dream(which I'd rather not go into right now) actually woke me up about an hour before my alarm. The subject matter of the dream seems totally unrelated to my recent emotional disturbance so it was a bizarre way to kick things off for the day.

I got to my work, did the things I needed to, and even felt somewhat productive throughout the day but it all came under the unusual(for me) emotional note of general apathy and a somewhat somber mood. I still feel it, even now. Like a dull, listless humdrum has blanketed my being. It's a very weird feeling to me, truly quite foreign I have to say. In the past, I have typically slept off almost any of the feelings I expressed in my ramblings yesterday. Maybe this event has stung me deeper or in a different way than I have realized. Maybe just being older and going through it has added a different layer. Maybe I need something else to really heal from this properly. I have been ghosted before but maybe the lack of closure this time is something different? I know I am not truly apathetic to what has happened(why would I be compelled to write anything here in the first place?) but I do have a certain feeling permeating within me right now and it definitely has that apathetic feeling to it... or maybe it's just a pathetic feeling?(word play still in tact, I suppose.)

I guess I'll see if I sleep it off tonight. I have another early work day tomorrow. Should be decent. Maybe things can get straightened out in my brain and heart by then. Or, if not both of them, maybe one of them can find a bit of peace? That would really be nice.

The filled life deflated by a single action.

 I am not good at finding my person in life. The one I can truly share my life with. The one I can one day grow older with. The one, it seems, who doesn't actually exist.

I often write here as a catharsis to alleviate or transform my emotional state where possible. I am obviously feeling the sting of rejection once again and despite its general prevalence in my life it never feels any less disparaging.

In this case... I think it feels worse than normal for a couple main reasons(as well as several smaller reasons I probably won't explore very much.) Reason number one is that I was beginning to raise my expectations and hopes about where it could lead. We have not even talked on the phone but things were moving and progressing little by little and seemed to be headed the right direction. I know I am a very slow mover but our life situations seemed to necessitate slow moving anyway and it is possible it was again too slow for her. I only say "possible" because I am forced to speculate... leading me to reason number two... I was "ghosted" by this woman. Possibly the worst of all possible ways to break anything off. Literally the last communication from her was a "loved your video" response to a video I recently made that I sent her the link to. The video was essentially just a super simple piece of artwork that I put together that I thought she might enjoy. So, what am I supposed to think happened between that response and zero responses after? It is so utterly confusing to me that it depresses me quite a bit. Enough that it inspires me to vent here. It feels childish doing this, in some ways, but I know there is some wisdom in expressing painful emotions and I hope that by doing it here there is also something positive that can spin its way out of it all. Questions like "What went wrong?" and "Could I have done something different to invert this outcome?" are naturally driving my thoughts and emotions at the moment. They seem impenetrable and essentially impossible to answer without having any real feedback from her. This is the nature and pain of the "ghosting" experience. Instead, some more productive questions should now arise... what do I do to improve myself because of this? What do I need to change about myself that will inspire someone in the future to take that chance on me to truly develop that real connection we both mutually seek? Honestly they basically feel redundant to me, though. I have essentially spent my entire adult life trying to improve myself to become the kind of person someone would want in their life. I know I have many flaws but I know I have many strengths, finely developed and improved over many years. I have so much to offer... and nobody I am genuinely attracted to has yet given me the chance. What a silly vicious circle. What an unnecessarily long, probably annoying to read paragraph. Ha.

Things are going quite well in life beyond all of this. It's really quite bizarre how good everything else can be going yet it can all feel so worthless when exposed to this sort of thing. My logic says I'm still in great shape, that I have only good things to look forward to, so that's at least a little comforting. I don't know when I should start looking again but I really don't like this feeling. I don't even know if I should attempt to control these emotions or if I should just continue pretending they don't affect me... or neither?

I will say that I truly believe I was written off without being given a thorough chance. It somewhat inspires me to put something like a youtube channel together just for easy access to my personality. I know I have so much to offer and I think it all simply gets overlooked. What a waste.

A certain kind of numbness.

 I will remain in this home for a little more than a week... and then I will be somewhere else. It is not an easy thing. In a way it might be one of the hardest things for me.

I have lived in relative comfort for so long. I have essentially been coddled by this comfort and softened to the realities of life. I was once quite accustomed to moving nearly every six months on average. My life was simpler and easier to transport, much out of necessity but also because I did prefer simplicity and lacked the funds to properly disrupt that anyway. Now... I have a massive, disorganized pile of life that needs to be dealt with.

I know it will be good that something is done. I will basically be looking at so much of the history of my life to make decisions about any of its potential value. I expect there will be much of it simply stored for later examination but I really want to just throw away most of it and not have it lingering around anymore. The call of the minimalist beckons to me but I am uncertain of my resolve to heed it. It has a positively appealing allure... and a subtle, mysterious threat of regret lurking with it.

Anyway... it all begins tomorrow morning... as early as I can command my faculties to engage and conquer.

Self-Identification.

 It is a life long, ever-changing perspective. And for some(many it seems) it is fairly easy to understand. I, however, have never felt there were many stereotypes, categories, or labels that really felt like a good way to describe me... until quite recently. I had never even heard the term before maybe a few days ago. And even though I have only seen a few descriptions of it so far, they have all been quite accurate to a degree that is almost astonishing to me. So... am I a Sigma male? Is there actually such a thing in the first place?

I won't go down the lists I have seen here but, oddly, most of what is shown on the lists I have seen is extremely accurate. Some places online call this whole thing "pseudo science" or hokey but when something seems to be so accurate I tend to think there is some credence to the whole thing. I have loosely tried to define myself many times in the past and have almost reflected perfectly many of the stated Sigma traits exactly. It's definitely a weird thing but in an odd way it actually feels somewhat useful to me. Self-identification can be a powerful tool, I believe.

Anyway... I plan to explore this concept more to better understand how any of it can apply to me. Somehow, better understanding feels empowering and I look forward to what sorts of thing that can improve in me. As always, a better way of life is definitely the goal.

I almost had the motivation.

 At least, in the morning I think I did... for maybe an hour or two. But I became complacent and enjoyed the chill of laziness so that pretty much squelched all the intended activities of the day that would have been even semi-productive.

I am tired now. That is probably a good thing, I suppose. I'll take advantage of it and crash out soon. Maybe if I'm lucky my dreams will help me hit the ground running tomorrow. Ha.

Continued catharsis.

 It comes in many forms. I was able to get back to work yesterday and I have to admit the act of being busy definitely does some good things for the soul. It can distract the mind and fill the purpose of my actions a bit which is always a good thing. And the more obvious benefit is the exposure to good people and the social benefits of human interaction in general. I am lucky to have good friends to bring me into such good situations.

Catharsis can also come in the form of laziness and relaxation, I think, despite the typically un-valuable effects of such behavior. I really do think that letting the stress of importance take a break, self-imposed or otherwise imbued by responsibility, one can at least start to find a calmer center in life again. Seeing a small piece of life's rewards can be invigorating and rewarding in its own way.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am lucky for it. The beginning of a new life if I make that sort of choice. The question will always be... am I ready for it?

Isn't every day a day of remembrance?

 It is Pop's birthday today. The day we celebrate the birth of our father and friend. But now he is gone. And we can only celebrate the memories he imbued in us.

I think I have been in a bit of a depressed state since his passing. I suppose it is a natural reaction to his loss but even being aware of it doesn't really seem to affect it. I think I will just mope a little here tonight. He would prefer I did something different but he would also ask me to be truthful and honest. The pain of loss is a sting that doesn't just go away.

I really look forward to sleep now.

Emotional revival.

 The uncertain toll of losing a parent can be somewhat perplexing. Some of it is expected as the natural course of loss typically incurs a host of feelings, harsh, sad, dark, painful. There are moments of other feelings too, however, and the triggers aren't always apparent before they arrive. And it's also unclear to what depth and effect and length of duration any of these experiences become. It feels chaotic and somewhat disorienting sometimes. It tends to dull some of the positive emotions I have been experiencing even... maybe it has increased my apathetic tendencies? Is it some kind of emotional defense mechanism?

Anyway... I feel inclined to write about life again. It somehow feels important and cathartic. I am not sure I will make this a regular habit as I once did... the chaos I am experiencing lately diminishes my inclination to commit to anything in particular. But I do think it is important right now... and hopefully for a while to come. Hopefully a while to come is truly possible, at least.

Jerry Castillo - The Man of the Biggest Dreams

And now... he lives on in dreams.

Today is a sad day for me. My father has passed on after a relatively brief battle with his health. The pain of this loss stings me sharply to think about at the moment but, as I have already experienced with Mom's passing, it will dull over time. Right now there are so many feelings about what was lost but I know I will come to see the greater picture with time.

He was a simple man. He followed his heart. He treated everyone he met with incredible respect and care. He had ambitions and desires far greater than his ability to focus on how to realize them... possibly the greatest dreamer I have ever known. He worked incredibly hard for as long as his body allowed, even long past the time where the pain in his knees should have deterred him. He valued laughter above his personal pride, a smile being his default habit in any conversation not related to politics. He loved to brag about his health despite his troubles and obvious health issues. To me, his delusion in this way was endearing and somewhat humorous.

Now, as I sift through the barrage of emotions, self-inflicted or otherwise, I feel lucky to have some time this morning to reflect a little and adjust to the new form of life I will now have to live. My father is gone. My mother is gone. I am glad to have all five of my remaining siblings. I feel lucky I was able to briefly see him in person just six weeks ago. I feel even luckier to have had him as my father in the first place!

Today the world is cold everywhere, both figuratively and in actuality(it snowed in Washington, it is icy here in Texas), as the loss of my D.O.D.(Dear Old Dad) reflects the chill of life. He is already missed and will continue to be missed until the day I join him and Mom.

Farewell, Dad. I love you.

Jerry Castillo

March 8th, 1936 - February 13th, 2021

2020 - A Year in Review - The COVID way of thinking.

 I neglected to do my 2019 review and almost missed the infamous 2020 review as well... even if it is a little later than preferred. I have the day off and I am going to take advantage of the time to do some personal things. This is one of those things.

2020 might have been touted as "The Year That Never Was" or "The Year That Shocked the World" or "The Year Everything Changed" or "The Year of the Mask." There are a myriad of negative, ill-defining, half-though-out, overly sensationalized statements that have been made about the way the year was effected by this silly microscopic virus but I am generally not one to subscribe to that sort of sentiment(even if I might grab a snack off the table of the bandwagon from time to time.) It was a crazy, unexpected, bizarre, life altering year to be sure but I wouldn't call it negative. I would just call it life.

The year kicked off quite nicely for me. I started by driving out to Austin, Texas for a shoot on a feature that basically filled the bulk of the month. It was a fun, challenging experience(as is typical for a feature film shoot) and I swung through Denver, Colorado on my way home to pick up a case for my big drone and it was a bit on the wintery side with a little snowfall while I was there. It's always cool to get exposed to a bit of the authentic feel of a place, especially since I had never been there before.

I think it was late February when the United States had begun to start recognizing the potential danger of the COVID-19 virus. I flew to Hawaii(also my first time there) for a gig there and the airports were certainly in a heightened state of security. Everyone in public is wearing masks and the luggage is screened thoroughly at this point. A slight sense of paranoia and general concern seems evident. The shoot in Hawaii was a great experience and I think we really got some cool footage for a cool little short. I even had a day or two to explore a bit on the "Big Island" where we were shooting.

In early March I got to help out on a fun music video for a band called Smokey Brights and that was basically the last production I worked on for about three straight months. The production world basically went into total lockdown and I went into full troglodyte mode until the next productions figured out a way to make a come back. I basically caught up on all the Youtube, Netflix, and Amazon Prime shows that could possibly be seen(that I was interested in, that is) and I am certain my excessive inactivity instilled a grander sense of general life apathy and muscle atrophy than I am typically quite averse to experiencing. Being lazier than a sack of potatoes yet lacking all the potassium and vitamin C benefits... not cool.

I think it was somewhere in June that I picked up a day gig or two helping shoot some of the Key Arena rebuild construction. My funds were basically just running out so getting something then was quite the boon, emotionally as well as financially. In July we were able to get Hoarders back in action and I was able to do a couple shoots between July and August. Things weren't totally back in action on the production side but I began to get enough little gigs that I was able to stay afloat without too much trouble. We also started having arm wrestling practices again around that time.

In late August and again in September I was able to help out on a couple music videos for Christian Burghardt, one in eastern Washington and the other in Malibu, California, which were both tons of fun and challenging experiences. I drove to both places and always enjoy road tripping whenever the opportunity presents itself. I got to pull with the Derek Smith club while I was down there which was a cool experience. He is quite the friendly, helpful fellow.

Toward the end of September I was called to help shoot with some real life cowboys doing a cattle roundup in the southern tip of Colorado in the mountains. I got to spend about a week there, living in the wilderness high up in that beautiful environment totally off the grid. They taught me how to ride a horse so I could go out with them and film while they were rounding up cattle in the hills. I slept in a range tent and didn't shower the whole time I was there! Awesome!(almost feral, even)

I also got to pull in a couple tournaments between September and October. One at the John Brzenk Open in Arizona(on the way to Colorado) and the other was the John Brzenk Cup in Utah near my sister's place. I only had a couple or so wins between the two but they were both great learning experiences.

We moved Pops down to my sister's place around that time as well since his health was starting to decline and we were not very well equipped to help him out at the house, especially with me traveling so much for work and whatnot. She did a very good job of really taking the reigns and handling his care.

I got to work on some creative and fun shoots in October, November and December between some short film stuff and the corporate work with Microsoft. I also got to pull in a couple tournaments in December, the Total Armwrestling League #2 in Boise, Idaho and the Washington state championships. I was able to get my first win in an "Open" division at the TAL event as well as meet a ton of awesome high level arm wrestlers, including a couple of my favorites in Monster Michael Todd and Todd "Toddzilla" Hutchings. At the Washington tournament I was able to win my amateur division 205lb division which was also a first. Super cool!

The holidays were a pretty low-key time for us at the house. Just at some food with the room mates and watched tv as usual. It's a little weird not having Pops around and doing things with a larger family group of some kind. Right after Christmas I started making my way to Texas for my first shoot of 2021 on a feature film. I stopped at my sister's to see them and Pops along the way and it was good to see him in a decent mood. His health is still declining but at least he is in good hands.

And here we are at the end of my entry. What is my review of the year like? I will say this: 2020 was definitely a weird year. It was also most definitely a very good year. Trials came in all different forms but the blessings and opportunities came in greater abundance by my count... as if anybody is actually counting. Either way, I know good when I see it and I know that I am quite a lucky fellow.