Returning to cross the chasm.

It stared pensively at the unusual surface of the shadowy, ambiguous barrier.  It was not something particularly ominous though it seemed to be quite mysterious indeed.  Was it something to be trusted?

Reaching forward with one hand it thought to give it a gentle touch.  Just the surface of it seemed like a good approach but as it came close to connection it found quite a surprising effect... the ground seemed to reach back!  Before contact was made it recoiled at the unexpected sight.  What was the meaning of this?

There was no harm taken and it thought to make another attempt.  This time, under the expectation of reciprocation, it reached forth its hand to inspect the surface of the place for which it had originally commenced.  The effect was the same as the hand was again extended in reply.  The result was entirely unexpected, however, as its hand simply plunged through the surface of the now rippling facade!  Catching a few brief glimpses of its own image among the ripples it came to realize the surface's newly recognized quality.  It was not the hand of someone else reaching back but its own hand reaching down into the reflective, softened pool.  It discovered the substance of liquid and was quite pleased to make its acquaintance.

Creating a cast of characters.

The concept is a seemingly obvious one but I think it was kind of a revelation to learn about in screenwriting class today.  I rather like the idea of generating a diverse collection of interesting people which are uniquely different from each other.  I also like the idea of possibly making a couple of them somewhat alike just to mess with the rule a little bit.  It is probably the rebel in me that drives that idea.

I am glad to sort of have an idea about where I am going with my script as well.  My original idea seems to get a lot of pensive, and positive reactions... which seems like a good thing.  And, yes, I know my idea is not entirely original but I think I can give it a new feel by writing it my own way.  Should be fun in any case.

The 2-hour brain.

Is far less useful than the fully rested 8-hour one.  And I expect it will likely be evident in these remarks.

I have had several interesting thoughts come and go today.  I know because the "pensive face" crossed by in between the many "blank stare" faces I was having today.  I also know that the statement I just made is not actually any sort of proof... but more of a vague conjecture.  Plus, I think this just might be the sort of ramblings a 2-hour brain likes to produce.  And "likes" are never a solid foundation for actual evidence.

I know that I need help if I am ever to make a solid connection with a girl... too bad my ramblings here will probably only widen the gap between me and the ever-ambiguous her.

Wringing out the pain.

I guess the process of purging the lesser thoughts of my recent rejection starts with the time to accept my loss.  Along with that time comes the realization of so many possibilities, usually increasing the pain and overall confusion, but I tend to think this revelatory process is a positive part of the healing.  I will move forward without her in my future, as this is what life demands, but the pain is not only in this thing.  Some of the pain comes in realizing that I had to give up.  I had to willingly relinquish my pride and throw in the towel on the matter.  That is a pain of a different kind.

I have never been one to let things go lightly.  I know how to meter the bad with the worse but I have still never become comfortable with a crumby half-hearted effort.  This is, perhaps, why I have such an immense disdain for confusion... it jumbles up my efforts beyond recognition as such sometimes.  All the more disappointing to learn about my venerable disgraces after the fact!

I really need to stop being so self-critical.  Even though I prefer to take the blame instead of dishing any her way.

Facing the music.

I have not done any research on the origin of that phrase but it seems to imply that the music has been at my back up to this point.  In most cases I love music... and, though this is a difficult circumstance, I may even come to love it when it is in my face.

Where there is love there is danger.  I feel like this is one of the greatest points of learning I can take away from this most recent flirtation in affection.  I was not actually "in love", thankfully, or this would definitely be a somewhat crushing sort of moment in life.  Even so, the "like" form of love is still a moving experience for me.  This has obviously prompted a slightly more focused rendition of "Aaron Blogs Again."

Calling it danger seems to feel inadequate.  There are many different elements beyond the description of danger, such as responsibility, expectation, and pain just to name a few.  This is not negative, as the true nature of all things denotes the need for opposition, but it has a certain shock to it whenever it finds its way into my life.  I guess I can not be surprised considering how rare it is that I find its counterpart waxing before it.

I guess I need to appreciate it all somehow.  I have wrestled with these feelings before, to generally dismal effect, but if I am diligent, consistent I might be able to make a good turn of it this time.  Having a smaller dose this time will certainly benefit the cause I am sure.

Finding a creative spark.

Sometimes the meager attempts of verbose grammatical exploration is an exemplary method to creative proliferation.  Sometimes it just takes a little jolt to the brain.

As an artist of many different things, whether it be visual, auditory, athletic(yes this can be considered art), mathematical, or written, I truly appreciate when the convergence between them is more ostensibly experienced.  I think the tendency to compartmentalize them often separates their positive influence on each other.

I need to be more open to such hybridized, useful methods of expression.

Adding more to the plate of creativity.

Thus, music has found a new form in my life again.  I am certainly not for want in any particular form of creative outlets.

It shows much promise, a great deal of room for expansion, and a future difficult to discern... but laced with hope and focus.

I am quite tired and generally lacking in my current skills to address this all with any particular clarity and creative nuance.

Bummer.

Unsettling fears.

I am feeling pretty hopeful about life.  It even said so on the Valentine candy heart I ate a little while ago, apparently printed by a dot matrix-style printer right onto the heart.  Upon this backdrop it seems a bit strange to be having such unusual, somewhat dark dreams.  I say somewhat dark because I would not call them nightmares exactly... but they are sometimes a bit intense, or even sad.  It is unprecedented for me.

Thus I will keep moving forward as life dictates.  I might discover what is causing this sort of thing but I might not and it is bound to evolve into something else at some point anyway.  Maybe even tonight!

A defined imaginary barrier.

Thus I learn the disappointment of my procrastination to an even greater degree... I should have more deeply pursued the path of a family man long ago.  I am attracted to a girl who does not share such feelings in large part because of the age difference between us.  The great divide of an offset eternity.

I have a great deal of respect for her seeming desire to at least be a regular friend still.  What does regular even mean?  I am far from a regular person.  I like living in the pipe-dreams of a different charmed life on occasion I guess.  It is a painful lot.

An interesting story is a' brewin'.

It has been an interesting evolution from my ideas about a highly altered sleeping schedule, to a society who divides by what style of sleep method is chosen, to a teleporter accident which leaves a man short of all normal senses(which also might be a part of this sleep-deprivation sort of idea), which now seems like a love story for the man, a lone entity lost in a partially obscured dimension of reality.  Hmmm... where to start?

Anyway... I felt like I should get some of these ideas out in writing so they don't get too convoluted before I am able to hash out anything substantive.  I am sure it all sounds like a mess of basically generic subplots more than anything.  I can see a different picture, though, and I think I would like to run with it at some point in the future.  Maybe I will drawn on it during my screen-writing class a bit.  That could be fun.

A question of my candidacy.

I know I don't throw very much rice at the wall(so to speak) when it comes to my efforts in finding a girl who actually appreciates me the way I appreciate her, specifically when I develop feelings beyond regular platonic friendship... but... I am always perplexed at how it is that every time I do make an attempt to climb out beyond said style of friendship I am always put back in the place where I began, relegated to exist perpetually as one of the "just friends" people of the world.

I think this could mean one of two different things: I am such an attractive "just friend" for all my friendly qualities and dedicated efforts that my value in this regard somehow outweighs my other potential offerings, or(and this is nearly always how I feel about this whole thing) I do not appear qualified to adequately fulfill the measure of a good relationship-type guy.  I am sure(roughly 100%) there are other options I am overlooking... but I am certainly too near-sighted to raise my perspective beyond this version of stewing.  Why is this so confusing?

I have worked hard, VERY HARD, for many long years to develop attributes within myself that would fit me for such a prestigious role.  The role of boyfriend/potential husband/future father.  I know work and results certainly do not always coincide.  I know that I have many unattractive failings and flaws that a lot of girls likely just can not learn to stomach.  I know that even now I am basically whining(highly unattractive) about this whole bag of nonsense to an audience barely greater than myself.(I honestly don't have any idea who reads any of my ramblings here... outside of M.S.K. anyway.) I know I am not the most visually appealing specimen around.  I know that life is not supposed to be easy, that the game of love is really anybody's guess, that men and women are from different planets, and all that jazz about the early bird catching a worm and whatever other such nonsense.  But I also know that life is not intended to be a solo project experience.  And there has to be someone out there that I DO find attractive that will eventually let me in the door.

I feel like I need to try some other sort of method for this to happen.  I am not fishing for compliments about me so if anybody feels so inclined to leave me advice on this topic I would appreciate any refrain from offering me any such notions.  I just wanna learn how to actually hook the good ones(the good ONE) in a way that does not leave me mired in the "pit of eternal friend zone."  I know I can be a good candidate if I get enough help and I practice enough, right?

Lost somewhere near the possibility of love.

This is not a topic I write about very often.  And, even though the "L" word is not the encapsulating topic in reference, it seems to consume the meaning of said topic by its mere presence inside it.  It is an unavoidable relationship I think.

As the actual topic implies I am not actually, in totality or partially, in love... just to be clear.  But I am quite taken with a splendid young woman which I would say shares pretty good chemistry with me.(not the physical kind of chemistry, people!) The concept of lost is meant to imply that, despite my communication with her letting her know of my affections for her, that I still don't know where I am at in the whole mess of ideas.  She kindly put my advances out on the back porch but has been an ever kind friend regardless.  Her honesty(despite the cold water aspect of it) makes her even more endearing.  Ha.  Is there a more powerful word for lost?

It all feels like a good step somewhere but the direction is certainly quite difficult to ascertain.  I don't really want it all to sound like a game but I guess I have no choice in the matter.  I am a contestant for anyone's affections that might allow mine to stick.

Two cars for the price of one.

But only because they seem so cheap and potentially viable as methods of reliable transportation.  Sure, I like to go the used car route, but having two of them just seems better than having one.  Especially since they always go the way of the earth at a generally unexpected time and having a backup plan certainly elicits a little more confidence in life.

Tomorrow will be step one of the process.  One trip to Silverdale, one Honda Civic.  Perhaps, if things hold to plan, a trip to Bellingham could yield one more Civic.  Oh, the possibilities!

Repetition and insanity... the foolish or the wise?

It is often said, and I will paraphrase this quite horribly I am sure, that insanity is when a person repeats the same thing over and over expecting to somehow obtain a different result.  However, and this might indicate my own level of insanity to some degree, I tend to think that this overlooks the value of practice.  Just ask any musician who has practiced scales.  Many have certainly delved into the realm of insanity during personal displays of such rote repetition, yet many have emerged from amidst it all carrying harmonious affluence of skill, far more capable of touching the beauty within than every before.  Perhaps merely describing it truly confirms my pointed notions of personally questionable sanity with immaculate clarity.  Maybe it's just fun to run rampantly verbose... an exercise of sanity and mental challenge in itself.

Internet: The living organism.

My internet access was down last night and I was thus unable to post here in daily continuity as I have been trying to do.  I could have simply written something on my computer for quick transfer once the internet came back online but I felt inclined to make a hasty exit to the comforts of sleep instead.  It was nice.  I should do it more often.

Thus, I have cause to think of the internet as something more fallible and organic than my typical view of it.  I know the "internet" is not any one thing in specific but it certainly is singularly relevant by its access. There is simply nothing else that really compares to it.  Yet, it can behave with a personality of its own.  Last night's experience illustrates a small portion of that idea.

I would like to write a story about it from its perspective sometime.  It could very easily be written from a deific perspective.  Or perhaps something closer to man's baser nature.  Or perhaps something just plain psychotic is more apt to describe it.  A highly evolutionary thing in any case.

The storyline pitch.

I have recently heard a few interesting story lines, whether for a movie or book or whatever, which have inspired me to start exploring my own ideas once again.  Not that I am all loaded with 'em just coming out of my head at breakneck speed... but I think it'd be good to sketch out some ideas from time to time.  This might be a good place to put them, even.

Let's start with a little bit of the supernatural(which tends to be the way I creatively flourish):

A man discover's a slip in time each week that seems to actually be adding an extra day each week.  What he finds is that the entire planet seems to be in stasis during this time and tries to figure out the best way of exploiting the extra time, only coming to find that it is actually the design of a curious, benevolent alien race.  Their main goal is to study everything they can about the earth because they believe the secret to their own expected extinction event is to be found among it's inhabitants somehow.

Well... sorry for such an unfinished, somewhat confusing attempt... but the super-sleepiness monster just bit my brain off... and I am barely keeping one eye open at the moment...  Until next time!

The element of surprise.

There are a wealth of things that can be said about the role of surprises in the context of a persons life.  It really is a tremendously huge topic that I am sad to say I do not have much time to explore at the moment.  I have put it on my list of things to explore in the future, however, and look forward to it at some point when I can dedicate a little more time to it.  That said, I still plan to give a thought or two on the topic right now.

Surprises: An Insufficient Commentary

Life is filled with surprises.  More than I think most people realize.  They are generally thought of as things that happen which one does not expect to happen, but I think they might be defined another way as well.  Surprises are the realization of incorrect assumptions.  The realization part is the part I think most people tend to skip and, therefore, failure to recognize any given surprise is generally more likely.  Does this matter, however?  Are surprises really only surprises when we take the time to identify their existence first?

Exploring the other theories.

It is always interesting to ingest somebody's opinions on semi-pointed topics.  I guess that is part of the fuel that has grown the blogging, bbs, forums, and social networking entities as much as they have.  The opportunity to not only learn about other people's ideas but to contribute some of your own to the conversation.  It is an interesting landscape indeed.

I wonder what part of this concept drives me to blog in the first place?  I know I do this more for myself than for anyone else, a truly self-indulgent sort of behavior, but I do get a sense of something else as well. Despite my expectedly small audience I do always hope to be producing something of my greater quality efforts.  Is it to hopefully satisfy something for them(others and my future self) that is akin to the quality of interest I find reading somebody else's opinions?

I have to admit that I do get a kick out of reading my own stuff.  I am not sure why exactly but when I read it, even when it has not been a long time since it was written, it somehow has a somewhat surprising flow to it.  It even feels like I am reading something that somebody else wrote.  And the feeling I am now describing never seems to change very much at all.  It is a sort of out-of-body experience in a way.  I really do not know how else to describe it.

I wonder if I could explore this topic more deeply?  It seems there is quite a bit of undiscovered territory contained therein.  Could it have to do with expression vs. perception?  Is it naturally alter through the effects of time itself?  Does it describe the actual changes one makes, becoming a new person nearly continuously?  Are questions the only way to go about exploring such a potentially vague, untouchable subject?

The super twisty life.

And just when you think you have it bad you read an article that proves somebody else has it WAY worse.  This is not an uncommon occurrence considering the litany of negative news one is exposed to, rather saturated by, throughout the course of any given day.  It is, however, even more potently realized when the news happens to be directly referencing somebody literally within the first degree of separation to yourself!  News on a statewide scale no less!(possibly national)

I do not want to rag on the poor guy as he will certainly be on the outs for many years to come... I guess it is kind of a surreal thing all around.  I feel somehow connected to his infamy.  I did not know him very well outside of athletics, and maybe a class or two during high school, but it is still quite a hit.  It must be as it has stirred these couple paragraphs out with relative ease.  Hmm... I should probably let it go now.  At least in writing, anyway.

Well... I feel good about life at least.  Gotta be happy with that!

Hatching different plans.

The buzz is still high, in the news and the veins, as I am still contemplating procurement of the camera du jour.  I think I see a more business-like approach, however, if I am vigilant and hard working over the next several months.

On a different topic altogether I have happily reentered the music conversation in jamming form today.  I am not entirely sure where this venture will lead but it certainly shows some excellent promise.  The guy I got to jam with is quite a musician and if I am able to keep up I think we can move it forward to spectacular effect.

This means I need to be practicing my craft FAR more than I already do... which is generally on the scale of "abysmally lackluster" lately.  It is nice to have a solid form of motivation again!

Camera envy... or camera lust?

A new camera was announced today that has rocked my boat nigh unto capsization!  Upon reading the details of it's immensity thoughts of all the sweet things I could potentially do with it began racing through my head with feverish pitch.  My current lack of significant camera has opened a chasmic hole in my affections and, as my imagination has clung to the possibility of owning such a fine mechanical creation, I find myself extending beyond the meager commitments of general envy.  I am nearly ready to make a true mortal commitment to obtain it.

To explain this obsessive compulsion would be difficult without relaying the actual aforementioned commitment.  I am literally, and seriously, considering 40 weeks of plasma donation... making "donation" feel somewhat inaccurate to describe it.  I want the money from it.  Though, more correctly, I want the 1/40th of a camera from it.  Is my plasma actually worth it?  HECK YES!  Do I have the savage level of fortitude to actually commit?  Maybe?

Anyway... it is certainly a "man challenge" if I have ever heard of one.  Just the kind of insanity that actually tickles my fancy.  I obviously can not call it a logical move in most respects.  I guess the cards of time will have to reveal this particular piece of history as it unravels.

Approaching things with a fresh mind.

I generally do my writing just prior to going to bed each night and I am certain this has a very distinct, though not necessarily negative, effect on what it is that I write about.  I have a multitude of semi-useful thoughts throughout the course of any given day but the selection I seem to garner from by this late hour of the day seems quite meager by comparison.  The efficiency of my expression is usually somewhat burdened as well. Again, this may not necessarily be a negative thing.

So, should I do anything in particular to change this situation?  I do not really know.  I know it would not hurt to mix things up once in a while... a generally good practice in just about any area of life.  I know the direct effects of daylight are certainly positive at least.

If I think about it I will start doing these at all different times of the day just to see what happens.  I do not think that tracking changes is necessary but I think there will certainly be some sort of visible, potentially positive effect.

The history of solitude.

It occurred to me today that the older I get the shorter my life as a married man becomes.  The time I get to spend with my family and children is lessened.  It is a somewhat sad sort of thought I have to say.  I am always aware of how much life I waste as a bachelor but until today I had never realized how much of my future is wasted... I really need to search harder for a wife.  My life has so much less purpose alone.

I feel somewhat decent in spite of this recent revelation, though, which is something I have to be a little glad for.  Depressing thoughts can certainly make an unwelcome path into self-deprecating thinking but I seem to be avoiding it better than normal.  I guess I have a bit of favorable momentum in my corner as of late.  Or maybe I am a little too exhausted to fully realize the gravity of it all.  Meh.

Now... the bed calls my name... somewhat confusedly... in a hauntingly calm tone... even though that doesn't really make any sense.

Touching a piece of the whole.

Sometimes it seems there are not really so many things going on in the universe.  I am not sure if this is merely a collapse of my personal focus on the big picture or if I am somehow seeing the simplicity of life with greater recognition.  It is sort of like I am making connections between important ideas in all areas of life all at once, with a great sense of realism and meaning.  Maybe it is just once of those ah-ha moments.

I can not say I am experiencing one of those moments right now, just for the record.  They are usually quite fleeting in nature... maybe too short for me to capture any of it in writing.  I do try from time to time but the greater slices of truth seem too be a capricious lot.

A fool and my money are soon parted.

In some ways this is certainly a basically dumb thing.  I have worked hard to earn all of the money I will soon be throwing out the door... but I plan to spend it all in productive and good ways.  Pretty much all of it will go to important life expenses... a car and paying off debt.  The rest of it will be quite the challenge to disburse, however, as my fancies seem to run quite a bit richer than my wallet can endure.  I might be wrong on this, since I haven't done any actual number crunching, but I think it is probably a perpetual state of fact in general anyway.  So be it.

In any case I will extend extra effort to deliberate on the topic before my spending hits its momentum.  How fun is that?

Two days, two hours.

I suppose that is the rough approximate total sleep over the last couple of days.  A terrible number.  It even looks thinly and pale.

I think in thirds when wrung about
The mind's unfashioned senses tout
A grain of ghastly gimbals doubt
In rain's torrential wicked spout

Lifting leaves all placed aloft
Which scattered to their glimmer soft
Below and round the kingly loft
Careful crafting cringing oft

Placed unrestful thinking near
The time when I will sink in fear
Its grip unbound resenting cheer
In silence wants when I am clear

I suppose I could continue this vague wandering for a while longer but, beyond the exercise of finding sentences among my thoughts, it is not likely very meaningful or particularly useful verbiage.  No worries, though... it fits a bill of some sort.