Lots to keep me busy.

Which is nice since the weather is cold and there's not really much going on in life otherwise. It's a bit of a down month outside of the Valentine's Day stuff and that isn't much for me anyway do I guess it becomes a bit of a double-bore. The gigs were both fun today so I'll take this kind of Saturday pretty much every time.

Sometimes you remember.

Some pieces of the life before she passed. There are memories of her personality and kindness and warmth that surface... and along with them are a few sparks of emotional residue. It might be the burden of every survivor from this type of loss. I am grateful for its reminder of my humanity. I am grateful for how it reminds me of the incredible blessings I have had in life.

Getting on track.

I recently implemented the use of a "to do" list in my daily goings on. I've done it many times in the past, with varying levels of proficiency and durations before eventual failure, but this time it seems to be sticking a little better than in before. I sort of eased it in over the last couple or so months and adapted the method itself to be more enjoyable for me to keep up with. It's still a work in progress for sure but I think it might become a continued tool of life usefulness. And it feels good to develop any form of self-discipline even if it is just a little thing. Here's to a new week of checking things off the list!

Expending energy in droves.

Which is just the way I like to do it. I kind of think I might have some form of hyperactivity(not necessarily severe but noticeable) and working all day and actually burning a bunch of energy in the process actually feels quite good. I really need to do the semi-physical stuff at the least. Something that involves lots of walking or movement tends to be a good place to start. Just another reason I enjoy my line of work. Not that it's all kinds of walking for days or anything but it does tend to stay active. The time just whizzes on by. And now I feel ready for a solid night's sleep!

Doing the good work.

Which basically just means doing what I love doing with my job - shooting beautiful imagery, hanging with cool people, making a client happy. This is what I really enjoy. I am quite grateful to be doing it. Tomorrow will be another solid day. All kinds of fun to be had for sure!

In anticipation of the year's loneliest day.

I honestly don't remember the last time I had a valentine. I remember having one with my last girlfriend but think I had a valentine at least once since then. It's kinda strange, really. I wonder if I avoided it more often than I think? I know I've tried and failed several times, anyway. At least I get to keep myself busy with work tomorrow. That'll be nice. I might even call it pleasantly distracting.

Scrolling through the weekend.

It is nice to work long days because it really makes the time pass by quickly. It feels like it was just Thursday a day ago... which means I sort of skipped a day or two, technically, and now it's Monday! Chuckin' weekends right out the door, I guess. And back to another solid work week!

Practicing the wrong things.

It's just a very rough working theory but... perhaps I am attracted to the women who aren't trying to impress me, who seem more authentic and relatable, despite the increased probability that they are only acting that way because they are not even trying to attract me in the first place. This would explain why I often find myself attracted to women who I later find out are married. They are the women who are not seeing me as a potential suitor so they simply treat me like a friend/normal human being. It seems to make a lot of sense to me right now, anyway. And how annoying this is if it is actually somewhat correct. Ugh.

Crashing into the lives of my friends.

I am not alone in the experience of challenges in life. I often tend to forget about the people closest to me when I am struggling with the pains of failure or that which seems like failure, at least. Maybe saying that I "forget" them is a little strong... but my focus certainly seems to become very narrow. It is probably a natural thing for most people to do. I do recognize the value of diverting my attention to helping those around me but I definitely don't always act on it. Weakness. Insecurity. Laziness. Self-indulgence. I guess there's a bunch of reasons and easy escapes from doing the better thing. Now, knowing that one of my dearest friends is going through a struggle the depths of which I have never even fathomed in my own life, I am inclined to reach out in prayer on his behalf. He faces an incredible challenge. I truly hope for his successful navigation through it... and that he can find peace no matter the ultimate result.

Burning myself back into reality.

I don't really know what that means but it feels like what is happening to me. I droop a bit emotionally and just sort of push through it into my work and other regular life things of varying importance. I feel okay. That's a pretty good place to be already. I don't know if I am simply rejecting the pain I could be feeling or if I am just processing it faster than I used to in the past. Maybe I'm just a less sensitive guy now? Age does change us all.

Followed by a swift and unexpected crash.

Something like a swan dive, face first, into a frozen lake... naked. Okay... I just added in the extra parts for comedic drama. It isn't really that bad. I truly did(do) feel something, though, and there is definitely a sting that will likely ripple around in my head and heart for a little while(hopefully just a little.) I can't say she did anything wrong other than being herself. I know she isn't perfect. I know she isn't even particularly good at communicating with me, which is a two way thing, meaning I am not particularly good at communicating with her too. I know her situation is challenging for both her and, if I was ever allowed to be more than a friend, it would be challenging for me since I have little recent relationship experience and even less experience trying to be a parental type person. I know I am basically a screw up in life, which no doubt does not impress her or fit any sort of image she has for what she is looking for in life. Heck, I know all KINDS of things that are wrong with me that she could easily write me off for... I know I am a self-critical person to a somewhat extreme measure... BUT... I know that there's a possibility I could be just the right kind of person for her. That I could be the sort of guy that really makes her life better, that makes her happy, that truly loves her for the right reasons if she even wanted to give me a chance. Which she apparently did not. Maybe didn't even want to. Which is a bummer that I either misunderstood her or she just didn't want to communicate that to me very clearly before. I can assume she wanted to spare my feelings but that doesn't really matter at this point. The point is that I now know she doesn't even want to give me a chance at anything beyond friendship. And I have finally realized that chasing a person with that mindset is not a wise thing for me to do, for both her and my benefit. I will want to spend more time with her, do more for her, give her more of myself while she will not properly appreciate me for any of that. A totally one-sided exchange of energy without reciprocation. And in truth, I'd rather do that than have nobody... but in reality I should not waste my time or hers. She doesn't benefit from what I give her, of myself or otherwise... she only gets a skewed perception of how men treat her. I need more self-respect and that would not be the way to express it. Ugh. What a drain of emotional energy! Look how it has spilled all out into this semi-large, under-appreciated paragraph. I know it isn't a total waste of time, me writing all this down, since expressing challenging feelings generally helps one work through them better... but dang this is somewhat depressing. Ha. Well, at least I have my work to look forward to.

A swooning moment or two.

Today I spent some time with a woman who has caught my interest lately. It's a bit of an unusual situation for me, having already expressed an interest before having developed any particularly strong feelings and not having a reciprocated affection, yet I continue to share time with her knowing the risks I face of developing stronger feelings that might ultimately be totally unfulfilled... yet... I would rather take that risk and actually feel something for someone that inspires me than just run away to avoid the pain. I've probably said all of this before, even somewhat recently, but it bears repeating since tonight I had a moment or two of incredible appreciation come over me... a deeper feeling than that of interest or even a crush. It was not continuous or overwhelming in a way that one who it deeply "in love" might feel but even the brief spark of it left a noticeable and somewhat unexpected impression on me. She does inspire me. I'll be happy for that for now. I hope I can someday offer that sort of inspiration for her.