Current mood: good
I had somewhat abandoned this method of expression due to an overly busy work pace and readjustment to a different life. My apologies for this most egregious lack of follow up. I have had many a good thought which needed to find words in this way on several unfulfilled occasions. I will try to do better.
This particular moment sees a semi-related follow up to my last blog's manifestation. Only in the respect that it actually has something to do with the concept of seeking for the significant other in one's life(refer to previous blog entry for clarity).
I have often thought about the way I present myself. The type of persona or presence I like to have. The aspects of ME, the whole and true me, that I am willing to share with others... especially in the pursuit of a relationship with somebody I might be interested in. And in this thinking I have really started to see many glaring issues with my current modus operandi. Look at me... ha... I am soon to be thirty years old. More correctly, (because the age itself has little actual meaning to my statement) I have been available for a relationship(not necessarily ready) for several years. I need to make some changes in my thinking or else I will never find what I am looking for. It obviously has not been working so far!
One of the glaring flaws I became very aware of is the fact that I have been intending to put a partial presentation of myself up for display in the attempt to attract the right kind of girl. Let me explain what I mean here. The 'partial presentation' is basically showing the essentials and that is about it. Essentials like my personality, looks(not exactly intended to attract), and visible important values. I had a somewhat of idealistic view of how a person attracted to me should be attracted to me... by limiting others perspective of me to the few traits that were either impossible to hide(looks) or were crucially integral to knowing a person in and out. The glaring flaw in this would be that I am presenting an incomplete(and therefore dishonest) view of who I am completely... my talents, full interests, my perspectives, etc... all important aspects of me that I somehow considered lesser. I think that this also acted as a bit of a defense mechanism for me but that is a topic for a different entry.
I think I had hoped to find the right girl searching for someone like me who did not need all the other bells and whistles. Ultimately that can still be the case even if I AM presenting my bells and whistles... I just held the fear that the bells and whistles were distracting from the important and foundational aspects and I do not want the important things to be overlooked. I consider myself to have a lot of 'bells and whistles' by the way... to a potentially overwhelming degree. I am not a flashy kind of person but I have an almost
extreme level of interest in more and different areas than I find other people to have. I believe my high level of interest has led me to a high level of skill in many of my interests and it would be easy for people to take me as a cocky or arrogant kind of person if I went around telling people what I can do well at. I know not everything needs to be addressed right away but at least now I think I should take a less evasive approach to the way I put myself out there. I am sure it will take practice to even change my behavior in this way to almost any degree... I have been working at the opposite for such a long time.
This leads me to a second realization I have had about this whole topic. Simply stated I must be harboring some degree of unnecessary fear when it comes to relationships in general. There is the general fear of rejection which many people have... a very normal thing which I strangely do not share very much of actually... the fear I speak of is something more indirect - a bit harder to detect. It would play out in my head something like this: I should ask so-and-so out on a date... BUT - I don't really see any interest on
her part - We are not very similar people in a lot of ways(ridiculous, by the way) - Even though I think she is nice, funny, pleasant to be around, etc... I should not ask a girl out just because I think she is really good looking(also ridiculous, she wants me to think she is really good looking anyway) - And there are a bevy of other excuses I can come up with as the situation dictates. I am really good at this lameness.
Anyway... It is FEAR which causes me to do this. I never realized it before because it always seems like good logic at the time. What it is effectively doing is cutting off the opportunity for me to be proven wrong on any of the assumptions I so easily and so quickly make thereby eliminating the possibility of going through a potentially bothersome or painful situation... also eliminating the possibility of going through a potentially FREAKIN' AWESOME situation. I just forget to see that second possibility usually. Man, I am a dummy. I really need to grow a pair(sorry for the crude terminology but I can't be easy
on myself here)!
So what does this change? Me, hopefully. Now that I can address it as a fear I can realize it is an obstacle I should overcome. It is strange how fears disguised as 'sound logic' can so easily be accepted as okay... or even good. Anyway there has been more about this subject floating around in my head but I have been at this entry a bit too long to really pull them back into consciousness at the moment. Plus I am sure this is as boring as heck for being so long anyway(believe me I am okay with that possibility - this really is more for my sanity anyway). I do hope something positive could be gleaned by any who read this though. A peripheral benefit to the public expression of positive ideas.
Halloweentime coming up!
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