Late night indulgences.

So I should already be sleeping since I do have work tomorrow... luckily it is not very early but I know I should still be sleeping already. Consistency and regularity of sleep is so extremely valuable and still a habit I have not properly formed. This is not the purpose of my writing tonight, though, so I'll just leave it at that.

I was recently given the opportunity to perform a song on guitar for an activity at church. I will normally always take these types of opportunities when they arise for a couple of reasons. There ended up being a new reason in the mix of it after reflection of tonight's particular performance. The new reason I would say is the fact that I need to learn how to take praise from others. I have been aware of my ineptitude at accepting compliments from others for quite some time but there is a different element to this particular type of praise.

The performance itself held a couple semi-unique qualities relative to other performances I have given in the past. One was the fact that I was playing guitar alone (not bass guitar.) Two was the fact that I played a piece of music that was completely my own creation (a totally solo writing effort.) I have done similar things in the past but this somehow took a different shape for me this time. It had different value and therefore changed the value of the praise I received from it.

I think that my outward reception of praise might not be so off kilter. What I believe I need work on is how to internalize it properly. It might be hearkening back to my general misunderstanding with how people really see me in the first place. When I receive a compliment or praise I don't really know what people are saying unfortunately. I really do appreciate the gift of a compliment - positive people are totally great examples - and I am sure I just think about things far too much for my own good, but what do people really say to me when they give me a compliment? I feel at a loss with this stuff far too often. (Is there a grammatically correct word in the English language with three o's in it?)

Anyway... I feel like I need practice accepting praise... uh... that sounds sooooo campy. Ha. I am not fishing for compliments here! Ha. Whoops. What I mean is that I need to learn to turn off my analytical mind about the compliments/praise people offer me.

On to other things...

I was thinking about how I am currently interested in a girl I somewhat recently met. I do this kind of thing when I become interested... think about her and all that. I so rarely become interested that I feel like I am learning about the process all over again each time it happens. I think that is normal to some degree since every person is a unique influence on me anyway, but the time factor in the disparity of interested times of my life certainly does a lot too.

So I was thinking that I am pretty sure I am awful at really being able to seperate her socially from the rest of the girls which I am not interested in. It's weird to think that I should be segregating people on purpose but I really think that is something I probably should do. I want her to feel like she is somebody uniquely important to me. I am not "in love", trying to force commitment, or trying to climb into her life uninvited or unexpected. I am simply very interested and I think there must be some way of treating her accordingly

without coming off overly aggressive or, possibly in my case, disinterested. I probably shouldn't think about such things when I am tired.

I feel like I am stumbling around in the dark as it is since I have very little idea what her interest level in me is but I don't think that is the point. I can not say she is disinterested in me just as much as I can not say she is interested in me so I guess it's like a 50/50 shot for now. Pretty good odds from where I am sitting. Ha.

Anyway... I guess this is me baring my ignorance to the world who cares enough pay attention. Thanks for listening. That is all I need once in a while.