Recognition of the challenge.

I haven't actually reviewed yesterday's post today but thinking back on it in general it was quite a deviation from whatever sort of style I have accumulated in my writing over the years.  Much of this deviation was likely a direct translation related to the challenge of self-imposed creative writing.  I can't say this is actually a bad thing, despite the immediate product lacking the quality I would like, but it is almost painful to realize I have left a relatively crumby representation of my writing endeavors sitting out in the "harsh, digital cold" so to speak.  Alas, I do recognize it's value, however, for every good thing was built upon it's lesser predecessors realizations.  I'm sure it could be a bit of a humbling form of dedication as well.  Who else wants to put their mediocre foot forward?

Today I think I will do something closer to my usual form.  More of a mental exploration of the fuzzy thoughts than the episodic delineation mixing fiction with reality.  And I think I should try to use less "big" words as well.  I am sometimes lacking in my handling of the simple and beautiful ways.

Something important in this whole process is timing.  Life is full of timing challenges in general and this one is a prime example of the direct effects of such.  In example, realizing that my brain is not really firing on all cylinders at this late hour of the night means that the products of my thinking will definitely suffer to some extent.  There are potentially positive side-effects as the lack of proper reasoning start to break down exposing what could be enlightening, quirky, humorous, or otherwise positive pieces of mental gibberish. And I suppose I don't mind having a form of that exposure present to whatever degree from time to time.  There certainly is not really a substitute for the properly rested, physically satiated, stress and worry free mind.

And who am I to pretend that I ever really experience a state of adequate rest?  I really like to take a nice nap during the day from time to time but only to make a meager attempt to reclaim anything I may have lost earlier that day/night.  Always running to catch up to something I could be running to prevent in the future.

The topic of self-control is likely a very prevalent one on the mind of those people seeking to improve their own level of conformity to it.  I often think of how different my life COULD be if I had somehow made so many better decisions in life long ago.  It is a difficult thing to recognize the effects of potential when they seem so apparently lacking in one's own life.  Sometimes I realize I have actually made many correct decisions about things which, my then limited perspective, tended to think otherwise.  But I, like the entire rest of the human experience, can never actually change the past in a specific meaningful way.  I do like to think that any changes I am able to make about my future BECAUSE of my past are those ways I do affect the past.  Especially in review of a person's life story... isn't it pleasant to hear that "because of this negative event in his/her life, he/she went on to become/do something better" or something to that effect?

What is creativity?  Sometimes I think I am merely twisting things I already know in a certain way, into something I simply have not experienced in the past.  I wonder if it actually can be any other way?  Do we have to build new things out of things we already know?  Can we create wholesale from a palette formerly unknown?

What seek we among the ashes of the past?  When does the future's will become replaced by now's progress?

Now for a piece of a letter to the future:

I was sitting in school the other day and I thought of all the things it might lead to... so hey, what has transpired in the interim?  Did it all have the importance it was supposed to have?

I'm not so good at writing letters I have to admit.  Though I do recognize the value of a well placed, well timed letter.  This can be the personal thoughts I have at this moment in my time intended for you at your moment in your time.  In a way I would like to reach into your life as my fingers push each keystroke in its somewhat erratic rhythm.  I would like you to realize the love I have for you in spite of the possibility I may not even know you personally.  I do this because it is part of the way I live.  Without it I truly am nothing.

So, what might you be interested in saying back to me?  In a way the only way you actually can respond is by "paying it forward."  You can send the pieces of yourself toward me if you like but, better yet, you can send them toward the people of your own affections... the people who will be most affected by your own influence.  Those are the people who are most deserving of your own exposition.

I have to admit I am quite the flawed individual.  I am sure most of this is quite obvious to any who know me well and, honestly I hope to many who are even casually acquainted with me, I hope to be nothing more than an example of actual humanity, nothing heroic or praiseworthy.  Sure, attention is nice when it comes from those whose attention I seek.  But flattery and hollow praise are nothing but a wasted effort.  Simply allowing a positive change to take root is in fact the highest compliment.

Well it's my time to call it a wrap tonight.  I hope you are well and seeking better.  The days and nights are numbered and you wouldn't want to lose count without a good reason.

Until next time,

Aaron Michael