The duality of being.

I think I probably write on this topic in many different ways and probably more than I realize.  I guess it takes a lot of my brain power just to grasp its finer details to any useful extent. I think it is probably a way for me to reinforce my own desires to overcome it as well, though, since I know that actually putting the thoughts down in writing or speaking(or just about any form of communication for that matter) is a method of personal testimony on the subject.  It is also a way to commit to being better.

Anyway... that was on overly lengthy introduction to the topic at hand... namely, the duality of being.  We are all beings composed of feelings as well as intellect.  I once wrote on the topic in a different light, describing it as a battle between emotion and logic.  While I think some parts of my thinking then were definitely valid I also tend to think it was somewhat shortsighted.  I have experienced a few things in life since then which have lead me to believe there are different possibilities in the equation of determining what a person might/will do.

I realize now that, despite the deeper, even painful, feelings that one can experience, one is not always simply ruled by their emotional influences, good or bad.  I have even been blessed enough to experience this first hand on several occasions over the last few years, though not really noticing it when it was happening.  It has usually taken a retrospective glance at such situations to realize what was actually happening at the time.

Case in point: Today, and for much of the last couple or so days, I have been in an emotional pit(I can not think of any easier way to put it even though this description is not particularly apt.)  And, even though these deeply compelling emotions have definitely steered my thoughts in a somewhat unfocused form of confusion and self-doubt, I have patiently moved forward with the necessary parts of life.  I have done my job, some of my school work(no less than normal), and treated everyone around me with as much of my normal positivity as I generally can.  I know these activities have probably suffered in their quality to some degree... but I can not be apologetic for doing what I think is right regardless.

In simple terms I have still done the important things even though my feelings would have it otherwise.  Without really understanding how or why I guess I have progressed in life.  Where once I might have slumped into a more profound state of inertia, overwhelmed by the negative feelings I have encountered in the regular hum-drum of life, I now seem to persevere.  I am still far from the level of self-mastery that I would like to reach but I am happy to be somewhere closer to it now.

And even though I am sure it probably sounds like another sad chapter in my life I still move forward.  My heart has never been the enemy of my freedom to choose... even when it finds itself wanting.