I am not good at finding my person in life. The one I can truly share my life with. The one I can one day grow older with. The one, it seems, who doesn't actually exist.
I often write here as a catharsis to alleviate or transform my emotional state where possible. I am obviously feeling the sting of rejection once again and despite its general prevalence in my life it never feels any less disparaging.
In this case... I think it feels worse than normal for a couple main reasons(as well as several smaller reasons I probably won't explore very much.) Reason number one is that I was beginning to raise my expectations and hopes about where it could lead. We have not even talked on the phone but things were moving and progressing little by little and seemed to be headed the right direction. I know I am a very slow mover but our life situations seemed to necessitate slow moving anyway and it is possible it was again too slow for her. I only say "possible" because I am forced to speculate... leading me to reason number two... I was "ghosted" by this woman. Possibly the worst of all possible ways to break anything off. Literally the last communication from her was a "loved your video" response to a video I recently made that I sent her the link to. The video was essentially just a super simple piece of artwork that I put together that I thought she might enjoy. So, what am I supposed to think happened between that response and zero responses after? It is so utterly confusing to me that it depresses me quite a bit. Enough that it inspires me to vent here. It feels childish doing this, in some ways, but I know there is some wisdom in expressing painful emotions and I hope that by doing it here there is also something positive that can spin its way out of it all. Questions like "What went wrong?" and "Could I have done something different to invert this outcome?" are naturally driving my thoughts and emotions at the moment. They seem impenetrable and essentially impossible to answer without having any real feedback from her. This is the nature and pain of the "ghosting" experience. Instead, some more productive questions should now arise... what do I do to improve myself because of this? What do I need to change about myself that will inspire someone in the future to take that chance on me to truly develop that real connection we both mutually seek? Honestly they basically feel redundant to me, though. I have essentially spent my entire adult life trying to improve myself to become the kind of person someone would want in their life. I know I have many flaws but I know I have many strengths, finely developed and improved over many years. I have so much to offer... and nobody I am genuinely attracted to has yet given me the chance. What a silly vicious circle. What an unnecessarily long, probably annoying to read paragraph. Ha.
Things are going quite well in life beyond all of this. It's really quite bizarre how good everything else can be going yet it can all feel so worthless when exposed to this sort of thing. My logic says I'm still in great shape, that I have only good things to look forward to, so that's at least a little comforting. I don't know when I should start looking again but I really don't like this feeling. I don't even know if I should attempt to control these emotions or if I should just continue pretending they don't affect me... or neither?
I will say that I truly believe I was written off without being given a thorough chance. It somewhat inspires me to put something like a youtube channel together just for easy access to my personality. I know I have so much to offer and I think it all simply gets overlooked. What a waste.
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